Down The Rabbit Hole With No Return

The wind cuts through me, sending shivers up and down my spine. My feet make their way against the gravel, my mind racing with anticipation. I can see the top of other buildings from here, deserted, empty, and the sun setting a pinkish hue as it sets. To set out my plan on this beautiful evening would ruin the beauty but I don't care anymore. Everything beautiful seems to have something dark behind it, anyways. And this would be it. This would be the darkness. Even during such a beautiful sunset, horrible things could happen.

My cheeks and nose go numb, gooey substance hanging on to the end of my nostrils. I rub it away with my sleeve and proceed across the roof. Everyone thinks I'm in my room, watching a movie or playing a video game. My mother is most likely downstairs, cuddling next to her husband who finally came home. Drew most likely out with Bianca or Dave and the other guys. Eli would either be with Clare or typing away on his laptop with Dead Hand blasting through the stereo.

But I'm not in my room. I'm far away, where no one could reach me in time. My shoes kick pebbles each and every direction. My feet close the gap between the gravel and rail. I grip onto the solid cold rail, letting numbness mess with my nerves. It reminds me that I can still feel. My blue eyes glaze over the last strip of sunlight past the buildings before slipping away and letting darkness engulf the sky. What once was a beautiful mixture of bright colors is now replaced with pure darkness, the only light coming from the moon.

That seems to add my life up. Only the sun doesn't rise anymore, it's tucked away in a cage where the whereabouts of the key is unknown and has lost itself in the mist of the darkness that is my life. I push my upper body over the rail, looking down at the busy streets and passing people that resemble ants from this height. I wonder what their life is like. Is it like mine? Is it worse? Or do they have it better? I push the thought away. They'll have their own way of dealing with their problems, as for me, this is my way. The only way in my opinion. My eyes avert to a spot on the concrete.

What would it feel like to have my body, at full speed, come in contact with it? Will I die instantly? Will I have the remainder of agonizing minutes while my life flashes before my eyes? I look down at the people, wondering what they will think when they become a bystander of a suicide. Maybe it would affect them in some way, give them nightmares. But who am I to care? The chances of ever having met any of them are very slim.

I suck in cold air, letting it sting my throat. Tears prick my eyes, threating to pour down my cheeks but I refuse it. I keep my facial expression neutral, just like every other day. No one ever noticed, though. Except for Eli and Clare- the happy, lovely couple. I couldn't let them know what was going on; I couldn't let them throw away their happiness for me. The two had been through a lot, months of being lost, and had finally touched the light to happiness. The light to regaining themselves and I couldn't bear destroy that. I would be too much of a burden, anyways. Too much to handle. But they would always say that they would do anything for me, because they love me…so would that mean wasting their days helping me back on my feet? I highly doubt it. Maybe some help with school, or girl trouble but maybe not this. Eli has a mental illness, he was an exception, but for me, it doesn't seem like I even have an excuse.

I know others would say there would be other ways to deal with my problems. Talking to a friend, an adult, or even seeing a therapist. But when I think about it, I don't want help. I don't want to have to go to someone weekly who is only doing it for the money. I don't want to get the same responses they would give to anyone. They wouldn't understand, they wouldn't understand. Not at all! They would say they do, but they don't, not in the prescriptive of the victim. The most common lie anyone could say is 'It will get better'. Nothing ever gets better. Nothing has gotten better and it never will. I'm still in the same position, just deeper in and trapped.

I let a sob escape my lips, gripping onto the rail tighter. This is better, I tell myself. My absence will be good.

Everything begins to cram into my mind, bringing out every little horrible memory in terms to torture me. I squeeze my eyes shut, wanting it all to go away, to finally escape. One memory strikes me hard as it unfolds.

It was the very incident that started it all; the news that spread like wild fire. Bianca ripping open my shirt, revealing the bandages flattening my chest. This stupid chest.

"Freak!" Her words echo in my mind, refusing to stop. I am a freak. I am not normal. My knees begin to buckle but I support myself by leaning further over the rail. I should be blaming her for this, but I don't. I could never. In my view, it was never her fault, it's mine. For ever thinking I could get a shot with her, for ever getting too close.

There was the incident where Owen threw me through the glass door and another where a group of boys beat me up behind the school. Outside I am a girl, but inside I am male. I didn't know insisting I was male and not a female would result in getting beat up on a daily basis.

"If you say you're a guy, we'll treat you like one." The words weren't any better. In fact, they hurt just as much as the physical wounds, but those were temporary. As for the names…those were permanently stitched into me.

I am a mistake made by god, they said. I am not meant to be alive, they said. I should kill myself for the sake of others, they said. And what they said is what led me here, to fulfill their wish. I do deserve this. Eli and Clare suffered more because they were my friend. They, too, were called names just because they hung out with me. They didn't take it to the heart though, didn't take it at all actually.

They said nothing in the world would ever stop them from being my friend, but I couldn't help but feel guilty. Guilty for the suffering I have put them through. I never said it though, because I know they'll throw a big fit about it and begin to worry deeply.

This went on for months; so did my mother's ignorance to the real me. The FTM me. Adam me. Not Gracie. She thinks I'm absurd, thinking I'm a guy and not a girl. So I never approached her with the subject. Somehow she manages to doge it.

Is it that bad? Is my problem really having that much of an effect her? Where she let's out a tear here and there. She always wanted a girl…

Guilt, sadness, anger, and desperation all hits me at once- doubling me farther over the rail.

I push myself back, and swing my legs over the rail. The wind continues to send shivers through my body, raising goosebumps on my arms. My heart pounds loudly, drumming in my ear and I know this is it. I'm scared yet ready, calm in a way. I let my arms fall to my side. My hands are stinging but I clutch them close anyways.

They're pointing now, up at me. Someone must have seen me and pointed it out because a small group begins to form. Then a couple more join and then more and more. I don't want a show though. I don't want them to see what's about to happen, to have it replay over and over again in their memories. But there's no turning back now. This is what it has come down to and I'm determined to finish it.

My toes hang over the edge. One more step and I'll go tumbling down. Down into a dark hole, just like Alice when she went down the rabbit hole. Except I won't be returning.

A cop car arrives and I know I must do it now, before anymore come to rescue me. Before more people join to see what has attracted a crowd. There are many other ways to kill myself. But I couldn't bear the thought of my mother finding me in a brutal state. This isn't any better but at least she won't see me up close.

Pictures of Drew, Eli, Clare, My mother, my father, and Fiona flash through my eyes.

"Good-Bye." I say, taking the step that will have me falling to my death. I hear the shrieks; I feel the wind fly past me, and the sensation of falling.

One second I'm plummeting to my death, the next I feel myself dangling; the yells from below are still bouncing against the building's walls. I feel a pair of arms wrapped around my chest. I don't take time to see who it is because I'm thrashing around, screaming my head off.

"Let me go! Let me die!" Tears stream down my cheeks as I continue to struggle against the person's grasp. This can't be happening…this can't be happening. Anger and fear rush through me.

"Never!" The person yells into my ear. I stop kicking and screaming to acknowledge the voice for a second.

"Not in a million years!" Another voice calls out.

"We would never dream of it!" And another.

My neck cranes up to see a teary eyed Clare, holding me as tightly as she can. She buries her head into my neck, bringing me closer to her. The girl who's trying to save me once again.

Through her curls, I can make out a sobbing Eli and Fiona, holding Clare by the legs, her upper body dangling over the building. Confusion rushes through me. How did they know?

I look back up, seeing Clare's feet being the only thing that's connected at the rail. It dawns on me, that Clare most likely threw herself over the building to save me. Same goes for Fiona and Eli, they're practically over the rail too. But they all have a reason to be here, on this planet. They all have a reason to stay alive.

I want this, though…I want to die…I go back into panic mode. I can't go back and face the bullies again. The consequences for my failed suicide attempt could be worse than what I got before. I can't go back into the house where I am only known as Gracie instead of Adam.

"Let me go!" I fling my arms around. I can feel myself lowering inch by inch. Clare's arms slip for a bit but they catch me again. Her sobs become louder.

"Adam! I'm begging you, please don't do this! We'll help you!" She yells into my ear, pleading me to stay, to stop fighting and rejoin them at the top. But I'm set into overdrive.

"I want this! Just let me die!" I cry out, tears running down my cheeks, my vision seeing blurry versions of buildings and lights. I can hear Eli screaming as well, his voice pouring with desperation and pain. So does Fiona's. They're pleading, saying they'll do anything to change my mind. Perhaps I'm too selfish…

"I'm going to be reborn." I whisper before I manage to bring down my arms and yank myself free. There's a tug on my left arm before I feel the wind flying past me. I hear screams, from below and above. And…a high pitch one beside me. I catch a glimpse of Eli and Fiona screaming loudly, their hands empty. Eli's attempting to jump over too but Fiona drags him away from it. And just before I fall into darkness, I see a pair of blue eyes and curls falling next to me in the air.

Two weeks of no internet and I finally have it. I will not sleep until I am satisfied. I also thought since I got internet, I'd be able to watch the two weeks, and tonight's, episodes of Degrassi I missed but nope…hehe…Close to having a degrassi mental breakdown because as I was drooling with excitement, as the video loaded, as the advertisement played, this is what came after it:

This video cannot be viewed in your location.

SIGH. I'm going to have to wait until 3pm today, then two more hours until I'm back in the U.S. And no one better interrupt my Degrassi moment.

Anyways…

UGH. This actually sucks in my opinion…And how it ended …Grrr. Probably not the way you wanted it to end. But this is it! :I But, I wanted it to go like this. I've read this over and over and over again. So I hope there aren't any mistakes.

Reviews…?