Balthazar knows Castiel. He knows Castiel better than anyone else ever has or will.
As far as he was concerned, that wasn't even a matter of opinion, just simple fact; he's spent eons at Castiel's side, and it's unquestionable that their relationship is unrivaled. Even in the midst of so much bloodshed and hatred Balthazar wouldn't hesitate to say he loved all of his brothers dearly, but he knew they didn't understand this. The other angels only truly knew love and loyalty to God, not to each other, and they certainly didn't hold any one angel in higher regard above the rest. For all their judgments of Castiel since the war had begun, there was simply no way any of them actually knew him well enough to have the slightest grasp of what was going on in his head.
And for all the absolute bullshit Castiel spewed about some fabled bond between him and his charge, their little debacle with the Titanic had proven that Castiel could spit out as many boldfaced lies to Dean Winchester's face as he wanted, and the human would eat them up, clearly not knowing Castiel nearly well enough to know when Castiel was keeping secrets.
So yes, Balthazar knew Castiel better than anyone, and that was why the second he returned from the mission Cas had sent him on and was informed by Sariel that Rachel had betrayed them, forcing Castiel to kill her, he knew something was wrong.
He was Castiel's ear now, the one the other turned to on the rare occasions he allowed himself to unload and have a release, and just as much, he used Balthazar as a mouthpiece to the other angels more often than not these days. As the fight grew more desperate and Cas was forced with each day to be less of a brother and more of a general, the other angels questioned and feared him all the more- it was just simpler to pass word along through Balthazar, viewed by most of the angels as Castiel's much more mild-mannered other half. It was unlike Castiel to send a message through someone else, especially when he seemed to have no intentions of zapping in anytime soon to personally deal with the repercussions this would have for their side.
"And he didn't say anything further?"
"No, he was very brief. Rachel aligned herself with Raphael and attempted to kill Castiel, but he won the fight- I don't know anything further. We had…questions," Sariel admitted uncomfortably. "But Castiel didn't seem receptive, I thought it unwise to push at this time."
"And where is Castiel now?"
"I'm afraid I don't know, he didn't speak to me in person," Sariel answered, looking more nervous about being unable to answer than Balthazar liked.
Castiel had been forced to become much rougher on his soldiers in recent days, and it seemed the growing uncertainty towards him was quickly spreading to his righthand man as well, Balthazar's attempts to remain connected to the other angels undermined by the fact that they all knew he'd choose Castiel over anyone else in a heartbeat.
"Idiot," Balthazar muttered.
Really, Cas should understand by now that whatever reasons he might have believed he had for hiding, Balthazar would always find him, whether he liked it or not.
Taking a deep breath, Balthazar focused inward on his grace, currently cloaked and buried deep inside this vessel; it had been a risky gamble, as limiting his access to his grace left him greatly weakened and unable to use many of his powers, the same way an extended absence from Heaven did, but it also prevented him from broadcasting a signal on angel radio, so to speak, and guaranteed Raphael couldn't crash his little visit to the remaining Pagan Gods.
It had done the trick, but it had been very disquieting to be cut off for so long, and he didn't like that he had been so separated from Castiel as to not feel when the other's life had been in danger. He was eager to feel his grace pulsing throughout him again, and more importantly, to feel Castiel's presence and be able to find him.
Brow furrowed in concentration, Balthazar restored his grace, expecting to feel the warmth of his bond with Castiel kick back in at any moment, only for a sharp pain to abruptly slam through both his true form and this human body, leaving him gasping for air as his vessel's chest constricted, and an agonizing ache went screaming through his grace, sending Balthazar to his knees as pure agony overwhelmed him.
"Balthazar!" Sariel spoke in alarm, quickly grabbing him by the arms to keep him from collapsing completely
"Castiel," Balthazar choked out, gasping roughly through the pain.
Panic immediately filled every fiber of his being, unwanted memories of the last time this had happened flashing before his eyes, and oh Father, please, no, he had barely survived this once, pushing through the blinding pain to search Castiel out, in denial of what he'd felt only to have it shattered when Balthazar dicovered he'd been killed, and he couldn't do this again. Leaving with the weapons and trying to bury the angel he'd been in the past had barely been enough once, he couldn't survive knowing he had failed Castiel and Castiel had suffered alone for it twice, he-
"Balthazar," Sariel called his name firmly, giving him a rough shake, struggling to get his attention and draw him back out of his own mind and the pain he was feeling through the connection. "Balthazar, Castiel is safe, you know this, you kno wI just spoke with him, focus. You're only now momentarily feeling what he did long ago, it will pass just as it has for him, calm down."
'Castiel is safe, Castiel is safe, Castiel is safe', Balthazar repeated to himself in a mantra, clinging to it desperately as he waited for the pain to dull and fade. He hadn't failed all over again, not currently.
"What the hell was that, Sariel?" he snarled breathlessly when it eventually passed, shakily managing to rise to his feet, a hand still unconsciously curled over his abdomen to protect from phantom pain.
"Castiel mentioned that Rachel had managed to injure him in the fight- I didn't realize the wound had apparently been so severe."
"You knew he'd been hurt and didn't think to pass that along?" Balthazar demanded through gritted teeth.
"My apologies- the information didn't seem pertinent. I didn't realize that the two of you have shared grace so often that you would feel his pain as your own, I would have warned you if I had known," Sariel replied uncomfortably, his growing fear of Castiel apparently not enough for him to hide the distaste in his voice when he mentioned their bonding.
Balthazar was no longer even bothered by it; he knew the other angels would watch him and Castiel take their leave on the nights they took time to recharge their grace by sharing themselves with each other in disgust, seeing it as an example of how they had both come too close to humanity, to now be so brazen about indulging in such a level of intimacy. More than anything, it simply made Balthazar sad on their behalf that so many of their brothers couldn't understand wanting, needing, to be as close to another as possible, to connect as deeply as you could and share every last bit of yourself.
"Not quite the point," he sighed, frustrated by the continuing proof that their brothers would truly never understand. "I still can't feel him, something's wrong. You can go now, Sariel, I'm just going to track down our idiot general." Sariel allowed a rare smile over the comment.
"Good luck with that."
Sariel left to return to his garrison and whatever work Castiel had them doing now, and Balthazar pulled out the phone he was now grateful Cas had suggested they have in the event that they were ever unable to use their grace to communicate. Not that it wasn't currently an option, Balthazar could have reached out to Castiel with his grace, but human voices were so much more expressive, and he wanted to hear Castiel's-he wanted to know if his brother was lying when he said he was okay.
And though Sariel had seemed confident that the injury wasn't severe and Castiel was okay, Balthazar couldn't stand the thought of reaching for Castiel through their bond again and getting no response, not after the last time it had happened and Balthazar had gone searching for answers only to discover their dear brother Raphael had just killed him- needless to say, this wasn't a feeling he was comfortable ever experiencing again.
"Balthazar?" Castiel answered a split second after the ring, voice tired and weak in a way that didn't comfort Balthazar at all, filled with confusion over the human form of communication.
"One, are you alright? Two, what happened with Rachel? And three, where the hell are you?" Balthazar demanded in greeting, wasting no time. There was a beat, and then…
"How were your discussions with the Pagans?"
"That sounds remarkably unlike an answer to any of those questions."
"I'm clearly in good enough health to be speaking with you, I trust Sariel followed my orders to pass along all pertinent information, and I fail to see how my location is of more import than this alliance."
"You are stubborn to a truly obnoxious degree, I hope you realize that."
"Balthazar."
"Yes, they were very receptive," he snapped impatiently. "They'd rather not get involved in angel business, but the fact that you're trying to preserve their playground here on Earth apparently makes you less of a tosser than Raphael in their eyes, and if it becomes a dire enough situation, they'll throw their hat into the ring, you can thank me for suggesting we broaden our horizons later. Happy?"
"Yes, in fact. That's very good to hear- a rare break for us."
"Indeed, and we can use one more than ever now, with the loss of Rachel." Castiel didn't respond, and Balthazar could practically feel his brother's discomfort along the line. "I'm still having a little trouble understanding how Rachel could just turn on us, Cas. She, more than anyone, seemed so dedicated to this cause- strange."
"…yes," was all Castiel mustered up in response, and Balthazar resisted the urge to slam his head into the table. Balthazar didn't exactly think highly of the Winchesters' intelligence to begin with, but the fact that they could buy Castiel's hideous attempts at concealing the whole truth had him questioning how they even formed complete sentences.
"Sariel seemed wary, Cas, I don't think he found your explanation satisfactory. When your general suddenly kills your lieutenant, you're bound to have questions, but apparently he and the others are too uncomfortable with you and I to dare ask them."
"It's war, Balthazar," Castiel reminded him, immediately picking up on the frustration in his brother's voice. "We don't exactly have the time to coddle our soldiers."
"I understand, but I don't like that our own brothers are afraid of us, Castiel- the entire reason I didn't want to bother fighting for Heaven in the first place was because of all this suspicion and anger and mistrust," he spat bitterly, tiredly running a hand across this face. He tried to have faith in Cas's viewpoint, that things could be changed and they could make a difference, but so often, it felt like eternity as an angel would always be this vicious cycle of war and betrayal and disloyalty.
"I'm not holding you to anything, Balthazar, you know you can choose to leave this at any time," Castiel told him softly, trying to state what was only fact, but sounding like Balthazar had punched him in the gut all the same. He knew what 'you can choose to leave this' meant- 'you're free to leave me, to give up on me', as so many others had done to Castiel. Balthazar flinched.
"That's not what I was trying to get at Castiel; I chose you, I'm in this for you, and I'm not leaving," he reiterated; even if Castiel would never say as much, Balthazar knew it was important for him to hear. "I intend to see this through to the end no matter what that may be. It's just…this feels wrong. They want to ask you more, but they're too afraid to question you or show doubt, and I can only imagine Raphael's soldiers suffer the same silence out of fear- I don't feel comfortable with the comparison. Does it not bother you?"
"Why would you even ask that?"
"Because I have to wonder if there isn't some part of you that enjoys that the brothers who once hunted you now fear you, if you like having that kind of power over the angels who left you so alone and helpless," Balthazar questioned, his voice not accusatory- it was a genuine question.
He certainly wouldn't blame Castiel if he was feeling that way. Hell, Balthazar himself frequently had to resist the overwhelming urge to stuff a knife down someone's gullet when Cas would just casually mentioned how strange it was to be giving orders to someone who'd once tried to rip his wings off two years ago, as if it didn't matter. Father only knew he had every reason and right to feel similarly after the last few years.
But, all the same, he couldn't say he'd be comfortable with it if the answer was yes either. That just wasn't Castiel, and the only thing Balthazar wanted from this war nearly as much as Castiel's survival was for his brother to survive intact, to not lose himself along the way like Michael had during his war.
"Of course I don't, Balthazar," Castiel replied, his voice not sharp or defensive, but simply exhausted. "I'm fighting this war for free will, not power, that's the entire point."
"Though that apparently has it's downfalls too- had Rachel not experienced free will, she never would have made the choice to betray the side she'd dedicated herself to, right? Because I know the Rachel we've spent the last few eons fighting with never would have turned on her general like that," he added pointedly with no attempt to be subtle, wantin gCas to understand that he was digging for further answers- Balthazar didn't care for being underhanded with Cas. Everyone else, yes, but not Castiel, never Castiel.
"Balthazar…"
"Castiel, please just talk to me," he pleaded, far beyond caring about appearances. "If there's something you need to confess, just be done with it."
There was a long silence, and then Balthazar was disturbed to hear Cas emit a small, strangled noise, as if whatever he was feeling right now was too much, as if it were choking him.
"Balthazar, I can't…I don't…"
"Hey, hey, it's alright, whatever's going on, we'll handle it," Balthazar immediately soothed him, horrified by how weak and frightened Cas sounded as he stumbled over his words. "Just come to me, Cassie, just come back and we'll deal with whatever's going on, it'll be fine."
"I can't," Castiel finally admitted tiredly "I exhausted myself retrieving Sam and Dean from the past." Balthazar barely managed to bite back the questions about just what the hell they'd been doing in the past or why Cas hadn't asked him to retrieve them, wanting Cas to continue. "If I tried to go anywhere right now, I can't guarantee I'd have the energy to get more than halfway there."
"Damn it, so you aren't alright," Balthazar snapped, irritated by Castiel's inability to admit he needed help when it came to his own well-being. "You should have told me that immediately, what are you thinking? What if Raphael found you now, too weak to fight or run? I swear, Castiel, I sometimes question how you ever survived without me."
"I frequently wonder the same thing recently," Castiel admitted softly, voice full of doubt in the way only Balthazar was ever allowed to hear from him.
Oh, damn it; he was supposed to be mad at Castiel for nearly getting himself killed and suffering alone, putting himself in unnecessary danger, all because of his own damn stubbornness, Cas wasn't supposed to make him want to forget all about that anger and just swoop in and take care of him, overcompensating for disappearing on him for a year and being the reason Cas had learned to be so damn self-reliant in the first place.
"Just tell me where you are, Castiel."
"Bobby Singer's house," he answered after a beat of hesitation. "I have wards up, I'll ask Dean to break them."
"Reassuring- he's always so eager to be helpful."
"Balthazar," Castiel replied tightly, merely saying his name conveying everything it needed to, as usual.
"Sorry, sorry, righteous man, savior of the world, blahblahblah, understood. I'll be there shortly."
"Thank you, Balthazar," Castiel said softly. Unsurprisingly, Balthazar felt an immediate urge to go beat Cas's precious humans senseless for treating him so thoughtlessly that he felt a need to thank someone for actually wanting to look after him.
"I'm still not thrilled with what a dolt you've been, Cas," he warned, hanging up.
Balthazar focused on his grace and the connection to Castiel's again, pressing on the wall keeping him blocked until a moment later, it was dropped, and he could sense his presence at Singer's house, where he immediately zapped off to.
"Son of a bitch, you have to be kidding me," Dean's angry snarl was the first thing he heard. Delightful- nothing made Balthazar want to shove his own sword through his ears quite the way the human's voice did. "Cas told us to drop the wards for you?"
"Nice to see you too, Dean," Balthazar returned, glancing at where the man was crouched by the sigil on the fridge; he realized instantly it had been drawn in Castiel's blood and felt ill. "Adorable outfit, by the way, glad to see you've been having fun playing Cowboys and Indians while Castiel nearly kills himself for you, again."
"What are you even doing here? No other major world events you felt like screwing up for shits and giggles today, Cas finally revoke your Netflix account?"
"Dean, don't," Sam interjected before Balthazar could reply, glancing to the angel hesitantly. "You're here for Cas?"
"No, I'm obviously here to have a few drinks and catch up on your lives because I find you so very fascinating."
"Just get him well, okay?" Sam requested quietly, ignoring Dean spluttering indignantly, a sound that only grew worse when Bobby chimed in to second that.
"I didn't let that idjit shove his fist through my chest only to have him die anyway," Bobby added with his usual gruffness.
Balthazar glanced between them, momentarily startled, before offering a simple nod; apparently, the humans cared about a little more Castiel's life more than he'd given them credit for. Including Dean, since even Balthazar couldn't pretend all this bluster was about anything but his jealousy over Balthazar helping Cas where he couldn't.
Not wanting to waste any further time with them, Balthazar snapped himself upstairs to where he could feel Cas's presence, ready to give the other angel a piece of his mind until he actually saw him and the words died in his throat, momentarily choked by horror over the state his brother was in, looking so weak and fragile where he was collapsed on the bed, so bloody, so utterly human were it not for the light strands of grace still seeping from his abdomen now that he wasn't cloaking the injury from weak human eyes.
"Oh, Cas," Balthazar whispered. Castiel smiled grimly, though it appeared even the simple facial expression exhausted him.
"It looks worse than it is," he said roughly.
Balthazar quickly strode over to his bedside and dropped down beside him, tugging the trenchcoat out of the way and hissing when he saw the extent of the wound, everything inside of him suddenly feeling very cold as visions of how this could have ended so, so much worse flashed through his mind.
"Rachel did this?" he demanded, voice steely. Cas nodded wordlessly, his eyes clouded. "All earlier questions retracted, I don't need to know more."
"What?" Castiel asked, startled.
"She could have killed you, Castiel, that's all I need to hear. I don't care what else might have happened between you two before then, I'm just glad you killed her first- and she's lucky you did before I saw this," he added gruffly.
"You shouldn't say that," Castiel told him uncomfortably. "Rachel was an important lieutenant and an asset to our side, Balthazar. There's nothing to be glad about- her loss may be a great blow to us."
"And your death would have been a great blow to me. Besides, if she betrayed us for Raphael, then there was no true loss, was there?" Balthazar asked pointedly, giving Castiel one more chance to let go of whatever secret involving Rachel he seemed to be clinging to.
Castiel was quiet for a long time, and though he wasn't without disappointment, Balthazar decided to let it be. It wasn't that he didn't care, far from it, but this was Castiel; there was no reason to worry over any secrets he might be keeping, no reason to question his judgment.
"She called herself my friend, and less than a day later, I shoved a blade through her chest," Castiel finally broke the silence minutes later, his voice mournful. "None of the other angels view me that way. They're my brothers, my soldiers, but not my friends. Perhaps this is why."
"Have I suddenly managed to become incredibly forgettable?"
"You don't count," Castiel sighed. Balthazar tried not to reel back from him, let on how deeply that stung. Castiel cocked his head to the side, seemingly confused by how tense Balthazar had suddenly grown.
"Been taking sweet talking lessons from the Winchesters, Cas?"
"You misunderstand," Castiel said quickly as he realized how what he said was being taken, placing a hand over the other angel's, still resting on his wound. "You're not my friend because you are so much more, Balthazar," he explained quietly, catching his eyes. "I don't know that I have a word for what you are to me, but friend would seem insulting in its understatement."
Balthazar smiled warmly, pleasure surging through him; hearing Castiel felt that way was an unexpected joy after he had accepted the moment a ring of holy fire encircled him that Cas would always place the humans and his duties above everything else, including and perhaps especially Balthazar.
"Goes both ways, just so we're clear," he informed him affectionately, turning his hand to lace his fingers through Cas's, linking them in one of the ways these limited human forms would allow. Cas offered a tired smile, and the weariness behind it made Balthazar focus. "Right, back on track. Just what the hell were you thinking with this, Castiel? Why didn't you find me immediately?"
"Your mission was important, Balthazar- I couldn't have you running back here before it was completed for something so unimportant."
"Don't ever call your life unimportant, Castiel," Balthazar snarled. "And that's bullshit- you know good and well that I'm in this war for you and you alone. If you ever risk your life again so I can stay focused on some damn mission I only bother with in the first place for you, I will have to beat some sense into you the second I'm done healing you."
"That seems highly counterproductive."
"Don't get cheeky. And where was your head at, retrieving Sam and Dean yourself? Even at full strength that kind of time travel is exhausting, but when you're already bleeding out grace? Were you trying to get yourself killed? You're a general, Cas, have a little more strategic sense in relation to the war if you're not going to simply have concern for yourself."
"I couldn't just leave them stranded."
"Debatable," Balthazar muttered. "And you couldn't ask Sariel or any of the others?"
"I'm a general, as you said, and the loyalty of my soldiers is far from a sure thing, particularly not when we always seem to be two steps behind- do you think it would have done any good for them to see me in such a weakened state after a fight with a mere foot solider, that it would have instilled confidence in our cause?"
"What about me?" he pushed, not pleased with Cas's excuses for risking himself. "That's hardly a concern with me. You've trusted me with their fate before, and while you may not think your own life is worth interrupting a mission, clearly theirs is."
"It still seemed pointless to draw you away for something I was perfectly capable of doing."
"Ah, yes, you were capable after you apparently used Singer's soul as jumper cables."
"Are you trying to imply something, Balthazar?" Castiel asked wearily.
"I thought the souls were our big last resort move to give the weapons a little extra power if it came to that, that the entire point of the Titanic debacle was to avoid using living souls. Now it just seems like you were a little quick to turn to the nearest soul for a solution. I'm not judging you," Balthazar added firmly, catching Cas's eyes so he knew the point was getting across. "Father knows I'm in no position after how I spent the last year," he scoffed. "But this just doesn't seem like you."
"It was a dire situation, and he offered- I have no intentions of ever repeating that solution."
"Okay. But just for the record, don't ever think I'm somehow not available to help you."
"I understand, but…I don't like when you, above all others, see me this way, Balthazar. If I can avoid the situation, I prefer to."
"Is that why you didn't ask for help, why you didn't wait to tell me about Rachel yourself, so I wouldn't see you hurt?" Balthazar demanded incredulously. "You what, thought you were going to sleep it off before you came back and I'd just never know you'd been injured?"
"Yes."
"Because I shouldn't care more about you than our efforts," Balthazar understood with an irritated sigh, wishing Castiel could realize that had been the case for eons and wasn't going to change so he could quit fighting it, quit trying to make Balthazar care just a little less. "Is this where we have the big lecture about how I should be more willing to put Heaven's needs above your own?"
"Not quite."
"Then what?"
"It's not so much that you care more for me than the war. It's more problematic that I enjoy it," Castiel whispered shamefully. Balthazar looked at him sharply in surprise, this human heart suddenly feeling very tight inside his body. "I try to convince you to put our duties first because I know it's what's right, but despite that, I'm selfish, and I find myself wanting more of it. I don't want you to see me when I'm injured so I don't have to acknowledge what a hypocrite I am, telling you to care less when I know how much I would miss it if you ever really changed."
"Well," Balthazar cleared his throat after a moment, genuinely shaken by Castiel's confession, the realization that whatever it was between them might not be as strongly geared toward Balthazar's side as he thought. "Good thing I won't then, right?"
"Maybe not," Castiel responded quietly.
Balthazar forced himself to shake his head out the haze that confession had put him in- it seemed it was time to be a little more insistent with his questions.
"You've been awfully vague today, Castiel, it's not like you. Something you're trying to tell me? Because I am the one person you can say anything to, the one person- you know that. But you have to give me something to work with."
"Balthazar…" he began slowly, clearly searching for the right words.
Balthazar was tempted to just glance inside his mind, but resisted, refusing to violate Castiel that way, treat him like he had some right to know anything more than Castiel offered, the way the humans and many of Castiel's own soldiers did. He trusted Castiel to tell him what he needed to at the right time.
"You understand that winning this war is the only thing that matters to me? The only thing I can let matter?"
Balthazar nodded; if there was any doubt of that, Castiel actually agreeing to his plan and allowing Balthazar to place his precious Winchesters in any possible danger for the sake of their mission had erased it.
"There are regrettable things are required of me in this fight, more than even you know, and as time passes, I'm less and less hesitant to do them, and it troubles me. Balthazar, if I was truly losing sight of my purpose, if I was going too far and turning myself into something just as monstrous as what we're fighting…would you stop me?"
"Stop you?" Balthazar repeated tensely, everything in him suddenly screaming for this conversation to stop. Cas just looked at him evenly, silently refusing to retract the question. "You're asking questions about an impossible situation, Castiel, this is pointless."
"It's far from impossible. I think you're the only one who believes that at this point, Balthazar, you're the only one who doesn't doubt me- including myself."
"And I'm the one who's right! The others can go screw themselves, one of them can step up and take this burden off of you if they believe they can do better. Hell, I encourage it- you and I can let the chips fall where they may and blow this planet altogether."
Castiel smiled sadly; if only Balthazar understood just how much Castiel longed for things to be so simple.
"But I know you'd never give up this responsibility, even though it's killing you, because our Father chose you for this, and that's important, that means something, and that's what you need to remember, Castiel. God brought you back for this because he has more faith in you than any other, just as I do. Forget what everyone else thinks, forget what you think- Father believes you can do this, even when you don't."
"I'm not certain that should be such a point of pride- the last two angels our Father favored are burning in eternal damnation for where their mistakes in the name of war led them, Balthazar. If these past years have taught me anything, it's that nobody, not humans, not archangels, is infallible. Everyone can lose their way, everybody has a breaking point."
"You're not everybody," Balthazar stated firmly, desperately trying to keep from having to entertain this line of thought. "You've always had a better sense of justice than the rest of us, Castiel. You know the line between right and wrong."
"That line blurs every day fighting this war passes," Castiel admitted, his voice bleak. "Sometimes I worry I won't be able to see it anymore, that I'll cross it before I even realize I've approached it, and I need to know you can let go of your emotions enough to stop me if it comes to that, because you are the only one I trust to do it. You're the only one I would want to do it," he admitted, looking upon Balthazar with tender eyes, like he expected this to be some heartwarming moment of bonding, as if he expected Balthazar to be touched by his confession- well, fuck that.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Castiel?" Balthazar exploded, rearing back from his brother, pushing off the bed and storming across the room. "I'm the only one you'd want to kill you? That's too damn bad, because I think you just found the one thing I'm not willing to do for you. Give up the weapons, put myself on the front lines of a war, unsink the Titanic, tell Fate and Raphael to go fuck themselves, that's all fine, I did it in a heartbeat and I'll do a hell of a lot more, but I won't kill you, not ever. If you're looking for someone to sign your death certificate go ask your favorite primate downstairs, I'm sure he'll agree in a heartbeat," Balthazar thundered, trembling with anger.
Castiel looked like Balthazar had just struck him, but he pressed on, too furious with Castiel for laying this on him to care. Could he really not see how twisted this request was? What a slap in the face it felt like that the humans could treat Castiel like he had no worth outside of what he could offer them and get nothing but his loyalty and protection in return, while Balthazar had given everything to Castiel but he had a horrible burden like this thrown on him?
"You have no right to ask that of me, you're a complete bastard for saying any of this. I'm not going to bother answering these questions because it's not ever going to be relevant. I know you better than anyone, and I know you could never lose yourself that way. You're not Lucifer, you're not Michael, you're not Raphael, and you won't go too far."
"I appreciate your faith, Balthazar; I only wish I could share it."
Castiel's voice was barely a murmur, his eyes heavy and gazed downward, body slumped as if the mere effort it took to hold himself up was just too exhausting to bear, and everything about him seemed so truly broken in that moment that Balthazar wanted nothing more to zap him back to the world he'd hidden the Winchesters in.
A world where there was no Heaven for there to be a war over, no Raphael for Castiel to face and be beaten down by over and over again, no Michael and Lucifer to have to keep locked up, no God to place impossible burdens on Cas's shoulders while he stayed hidden and useless, no Winchesters to make endless demands and for Castiel to get himself killed for time and time again. If he didn't know Cas would fight every step of the way to return to his responsibilities, he'd do it an instant, sacrifice anything to guarantee Castiel was never found.
"And I apologize for making such a request of you. You give so much, and I have no right to ask for more, especially something of this weight, I understand. I simply don't share your certainty, not about myself, not about anything anymore," he explained slowly, voice strangled, as though it were a battle to get the words out. "Every day, Balthazar, I feel so weak and useless in this war when Raphael seems to gain the upper hand no matter what I resort to, and I question every move I make, every move I don't make, the reasons I make them. I'm just so tired, and it would be helpful to have one less uncertainty, one thing that I know will be taken care of, and you are the one only I…" Cas trailed off, sucking in a shuddering breath before his lips were clamped together tightly, trying to contain any further display of emotion.
Balthazar was stunned by the momentary breakdown; he'd gotten so good at reading Cas when he didn't say a word because you had to if you were ever going to understand Castiel. He'd always been so damn stoic, insistent upon the whole 'suffer in silence' concept, and to see him suddenly give up, to let himself be seen, even just by Balthazar, falling apart and losing his composure even slightly, was disquieting. Balthazar had already softened, but if he needed one final push to forget his anger over Cas asking such a thing of him, this was it.
He could tell Castiel was fighting for control over these feelings and the uncomfortable way they manifested in this human form, trying to lock himself behind his usual wall again, but that wouldn't do at all, Balthazar didn't wan thim trying to suffer alone again.
Not knowing what else he could possibly do, Balthazar took a deep breath and focused on his wings, allowing them to physically manifest on this plane instead of keeping them tucked away in his vessel with his grace, shaking them out with a sigh of relief
Next to the sharing of grace, touching wings was as intimate as angels could get. It was the closest thing they had to any kind of sexual act when done with that purpose in mind, but it wasn't always about that, and for once with Balthazar, that wasn't what he had in mind now.
Kneeling before Castiel, Balthazar simply wound them around his brother's shoulders, embracing him within warm golden feathers, the gesture speaking of trust and above all else, deep affection.
It was difficult for angels to describe, but as extensions of their grace, wings carried feelings in a way- Castiel could recall how being encased in Balthazar's wings after a fight, when his brother's adrenaline was racing, almost felt like being in a lightning storm, the energy of his grace reflecting in his wings and pulsating all around them, the very air around them electric.
But now, with Balthazar gazing at him so intently, it simply felt like peace, as though his wings were a shield that could block the rest of the world from Castiel, and they felt like love, as though it were a physical thing he could reach out and touch- the only comparable sensation Castiel could think of was basking in the light of Heaven and just feeling that their Father loved them, feeling it so deeply that even never having met Him didn't leave room for doubt. He was immediately heartened by the experience, warmth beginning to spread throughout him, and Balthazar smiled to see it.
"Castiel," he began, looking him directly in the eyes, tone low and serious. "I didn't join you in this fight just because I wanted to be at your side; no matter how much I may have missed you and hated the distance between us, I had no intention of watch you lose and die, or watching you fall apart like so many of our brothers did in the last war. I came back because I had faith those things wouldn't happen, and I still do, that's never wavered. But, if it'll humor you, I swear on our Father to give you a swift kick in the ass the moment you go too far, alright? For your sake, I will do what needs to be done," he offered gently, tightening the embrace of his wings
Castiel allowed a soft, reassured smile, leaning back into the embrace comfortably and running his fingers familiarly through the down as he drew his own wings out, laying them over top of Balthazar's, brushing his own black feathers firmly against the gold in a display of warmth, companionship.
"Thank you, Balthazar."
Balthazar just nodded, reaching out to pet his wings and straighten out a few stray feathers, managing to contain his usual burst of anger over the places where they'd been left burned and bare from Castiel's multiple fights through Hell to save the brothers downstairs. The Winchesters time in Castiel's life would be over in practically a heartbeat, but they had left one of the most beautiful parts of him scarred for the rest of time, and the sight of it never failed to fill with Balthazar with fury, hating that his eternity with Castiel would forever be filled with a reminder of how Sam and Dean had almost caused him to lose Castiel forever.
"Yeah yeah. Now that this hallmark moment is over, will you please let me heal you and get you charged back up already?"
Castiel nodded and Balthazar reclaimed his spot next to him on the bed, eager to get started- he couldn't stand the sight of Castiel so run down.
With no hesitation, Balthazar opened the bond between them and plunged in deep, intertwining every last bit of himself with Castiel, pouring himself into the other angel, filling up his empty spaces with himself, leaving traces of his own grace inside to join with and strengthen Castiel's.
In an instant, the lingering pain and exhaustion Castiel had felt was gone, the warmth of the other angel's grace burning it away in a heartbeat along with every cold bit of doubt, hate, loneliness and fear that had been gripping him.
All he could feel now was BalthazarBalthazarBalthazar all around him, inside him, every bit of his brother's trust and confidence in Castiel, his affection, his desire to be near Castiel always, his wish to be able to protect him from this war, his fierce longing for him when they were separated, and more than anything, his love, slamming into Castiel like a tidal wave, drowning him in the rush of positive energy and pure contentment; it was enough to leave one breathless, but just the opposite, it felt like breathing easy for the first time in ages to Castiel. He was surrounded by Balthazar's grace, and for the first time in so long, Castiel felt safe, he felt cared for, and more than anything- he simply felt good, in a way he'd never known before.
It was as though all his nerve endings were on fire, a slow, pleasant burn consuming every last bit of him from the toes of this vessel to the tips of his own wings, and Castiel had begun to shake without even realizing it, the combination of incredible physical sensation, and intense raw emotion rocking him to his core
"Balthazar," Castiel moaned desperately, allowing himself to be overwhelmed by the feeling of his brother's grace surging through him, all but collapsing into the other angel's arms as he buried his head in in the crook of Balthazar's shoulder, fingers digging tightly into his shirt. Balthazar held him protectively, folding his wings around Castiel's trembling form and quietly murmuring reassurances against his ear.
Balthazar couldn't resist the surge of satisfaction he felt as Castiel's whimpers and soft, pleasured moans of Balthazar's name continued while he healed, knowing what the Winchesters must be assuming was happening in this room. Good. If it meant a little more respect for his claim on Castiel because humans thought a relationship needed physicality to be truly valid, let them think he was screwing Castiel into this mattress just a floor above them.
Besides, if Balthazar had his way, that'd be the reality sooner or later. He loved Castiel, more fiercely than he could understand himself sometimes, and while the intertwining of their grace and affectionate brushes of feathers had been more than enough for him once, after a year of experiencing all the carnal pleasures humanity had to offer, he wanted more- he needed to know Castiel, to have him, on every single level possible. He wanted to bury himself in this form and know Castiel's human body every bit as intimately as he knew his grace, wanted Castiel to feel how thoroughly Balthazar loved him in every possible way it could be expressed.
But Balthazar was in no rush; there would be all the time in the world for that after this war, when all of Castiel's decisions didn't carry the possibility of being tainted by his constant state of desperation these days. Balthazar had the luxury of literally endless time with him- he could wait, he could let Castiel come to him on his own.
But if Castiel thought their grace sharing felt good, he couldn't wait to introduce him to human intimacy, to watch the ecstasy on his face as Balthazar slid into him for the first time, to hear all the beautiful sounds he made when he was actually being fucked, to show him how many ways there were to be joined as one, to share pleasure, to be connected; he was sure they'd more than make up for lost time once that moment came- that was something worth waiting for.
Balthazar allowed the connection to go on longer than truly necessary, hating to let go of seeing Cas like this, of giving him such peace and pleasure even briefly, but he realized that too much longer and he'd be overextending, leaving himself weak and in need of assistance, defeating the purpose.
He reluctantly unwound himself from Castiel, gently and slowly beginning to pull all the way back into his own form, and Castiel reflexively moaned in disapproval, tendrils of his grace clutching Balthazar's, sending across the feeling of desperation for him to stay as his body echoed the idea, fingers digging into Balthazar's shoulders even tighter.
"Shh, you're fine; it's always there, Castiel. Even when you can't sense it so clearly, it's always there, I'm always there," he promised, continuing to babble reassurances for a moment until Castiel came down enough to release him.
Castiel remained in Balthazar's arms for a moment, breathing heavily as he was still shaken from what he had felt being shared with him, before regaining himself enough to glance up, a rare, boneless smile on his face.
"Thank you, brother," Castiel sighed blissfully, pure euphoria like a drug still sweeping through him in waves. Balthazar just ducked his head and grinned, knowing this probably wasn't the most appropriate time to be picturing Castiel in the afterglow of sex.
"Of course, Castiel. So, now that you're cleared for take-off, I'm guessing it's time to get back to work?" Balthazar asked regretfully.
"No, Balthazar, wait," Castiel said urgently, clutching Balthazar's wrist tightly before he pulled away. "I need to-"
"You don't need to do anything."
"You need to know," he declared wildly. Castiel knew he wasn't able to show emotion enough, show Balthazar how much his dedication and feelings were returned, and that was usually just something he couldn't allow to bother him, but right now, on the absolute high the grace sharing had left him on, that suddenly seemed inexcusable and he felt a frantic need to make sure Balthazar knew he wasn't alone in whatever this nameless relationship between them was.
"I know, Castiel. I know," he repeated, brushing a light kiss across Castiel's forehead, a human gesture of affection to match the angelic. "I'm not something you need to concern yourself with, trust me."
"I always do," he sighed, struggling to regain his focus, unaware of how much he had just lightened Balthazar with that simple response.
"So, where to next, General?"
"Back to the drawing board with the issue of souls, I suppose," Castiel replied, his brow already furrowed with concern now that he'd thought of it. "If Fate is going to keep us from using historical events to our advantage, we'll need to find another source of power…"
"Hey," Balthazar chided, nudging Castiel with a wing and shooting him a quick smile. "Don't fret- we'll figure it out."
He spread his wings, ready to take flight, but Castiel abruptly reached out and caught the edge of a wing with his hand, stilling Balthazar as he looked to him with a sudden desperation.
"Balthazar, wait. Before we're done here, I need to know that you will remember your promise," Castiel requested. "If I ever go too far, you will pull me back, however necessary- I intend to hold you to your word."
"Damn; thought I'd made you forget about that nonsense," Balthazar muttered.
"Balthazar."
"You know what? How about you make me a promise that you'll never give me reason to have to keep mine?"
"I don't intend to make a promise to you that I can't follow through on," Castiel replied regretfully.
Balthazar had no such qualms, and while Cas may have been an awful liar, he certainly wasn't. So for his brother's sake, Balthazar looked Castiel in the eyes and assured him he would be stopped if he ever went too far, all the while knowing the truth was, there was nowhere Castiel could fall where Balthazar wouldn't follow him down.