Full of Grace
Summary: "In sorrow we must go, but not in despair. We are not bound forever to the circles of the world, and beyond them lies more than memory." An Aragorn and Arwen story.
Rating: PG-13 for some implied events.
Catergory: Angst. Incredibly heavy angst. Romance. (Ah, yes. After the one pure fluff fic, I have sunk back into my habit of writing angst. I can't help it!)
Disclaimer: They're still not mine. And the song 'Full of Grace' belongs to Sarah McLachlan. Go listen to it; it's a beautiful song.
Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed my last story! I felt very giddy for a prolonged period of time!
*~*~*~*~*~*
~~~~~~
The winter here's cold and bitter
It's chilled us to the bone
We haven't seen the sun for weeks
Too long, too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground
Pulled down by the undertones
I never thought I could feel so low
In all darkness, I feel like letting go…
~~~~~
There are many in this world who would call the power of foresight a gift. I was given this ability. Many say I should count myself blessed. But, nay, I consider myself cursed.
I am conscious of Aragorn's intent. I perceive that he is subtly saying goodbye to his kingdom with every passing day, every hour, every second. He means to die soon. And there is naught I can do to halt his decision. My curse has told me this much.
Every time I chance to look into his eyes, I see the age and the weariness that are enveloping his spirit. Outwardly, he shows no sign. But his eyes have forever mirrored his soul.
Suddenly, the need to be with him is overwhelming. But he is not to be found. For many nights now, Aragorn has not come to bed until late. I have often questioned him concerning his whereabouts, but all I receive for an answer is a soft smile, tinged with almost imperceptible sadness. I know he is saying goodbye, but to what?
Letting out a breath of frustration, I stand away from my vanity and cross the room so I am looking out of the windows. Glancing to the sky, I take in that there is no moon, and ergo the stars are countless. Then understanding dawns on me. Stars. He is saying goodbye to the skies.
Crossing the room again, I push open the door, and set a path for the tallest tower, and the one most appropriate for star-gazing.
And there he sits, half-cloaked in shadow, with grey eyes now fixed on me. With an almost indiscernible smile, Aragorn stands up and draws me close. Sighing softly, I lean into him, listening to the steady rhythm of his heart. Is he aware that I know? I wonder.
Backing up a step, Aragorn takes my hands in his. "Beloved," he whispers, "At last, my time is drawing to it's end. A lifetime of bliss we have procured, and now the time of payment is at hand."
My eyes close. He means to go soon, then. Otherwise, he would not tell me his intentions. "Is there naught I can plead that would have you stay, if only for a while?"
"My dear lady, if I do not leave now, then I must leave soon."
I know that, love. "When?"
His eyes look past me, to the Heavens above. "Tonight shall be the last night I spend in Minas Tirith as King."
Unbidden and unnoticed, tears began their descent down my face. His hand reaches up to brush them away, callused fingers sliding lightly over the wetness of my cheeks. "Pray, lady, do not weep while I still breathe. It pulls at my heart."
Trying my best to stop the moisture seeping down my face, I dare to look into his eyes. The tenderness I see reflected there, as well as the love, is enough to make me cry again. He pulls me into his arms in an instant. And there I would stay for all of Eternity, if Fate would allow it.
Fate, however, seems to have Her own way of doing things. Far too soon, I hear sounds of booted feet on the tower steps, and know that our solitude will be interrupted momentarily. Aragorn obviously has the same thought, because he releases his hold on me and moves toward the door, offering me an apologetic smile. I hastily wipe my tears and follow him.
As it would be, the booted footsteps belong to Tower Guards on their night-time rounds. Passing them with minimal dialog, Aragorn sees me as far as our chambers. There, after promising he would be back post-haste, he turns down another hallway, in the direction of the Steward's office. He has some last goodbyes to make, it would seem.
~~~~~~~
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
Full of grace, full of grace, my love
~~~~~~~
Sitting myself at my vanity for the second time that night, I stare at my reflection. A tear-stained face, under-toned with some unnamable grief, looks back.
Releasing a breath I wasn't aware I had been holding, I stand up, blow out the candles that illuminate the room, and cross to the window. From my vantage point, I look over the city. On my left, the Silent Street lies. Casting my eyes anywhere else, I look Heaven-ward, and the breath-taking beauty of the stars makes me forget my troubles momentarily.
Somewhere behind me, the door opens. Aragorn, of course. Standing behind me, his hands slide down my arms before locking over my abdomen. Resting his chin on my shoulder, he follows my gaze to the stars and smiles, before pressing a small kiss on my neck.
Turing around to face him, I reach up and brush his unruly dark locks away from his face. Even after all this time, his hair refuses to be tamed. Many say it makes him look too wild for a king; I have always maintained that it was endearing.
Resting my hand against his cheek, I smile softly at him. If this is our last night together, I would not have it spent with myself in tears. Aragorn smiles back, and leans into my hand briefly, before turning his head slightly to kiss my palm, his gaze never leaving my eyes.
Bending down, his lips catch mine, and I lean forward, desperately trying to bring him closer. He gives in to the kiss for but a moment, then pulls back, smiling slightly.
"Slowly, beloved, slowly," he breathes, backing toward the bed and pulling me with him. Then, laying me down with tenderness radiating from his touch, he lowers himself onto me and closes the space between us.
~~~~~~~~
It's better this way, I say
Haven't seen this place before
Where everything we say and do
Hurts us all the more
It's just that we stay too long
In the same old sickly skin
Pulled down by the undertones
Never thought I could feel so low
In all darkness I feel like letting go…
~~~~~~~~
When it was over, and we both lay breathing heavy, my head on his bare chest, I cried. I cried for the fact that this was the last time I would ever feel so complete. The last time I would ever see euphoria cross his silver eyes. The last time we would ever be together like this.
Aragorn shushes me gently and kisses away the tears. "Shh, Arwen. No more tears while the night lasts."
My sobs taper off, and sleep begins to take hold of me. But, before darkness envelopes me, I feel something damp on my skin. Half opening my eyes, I look up, and my heart breaks as I see my husband.
He's crying.
*~*~*
The next morning, I awake to find my husband perched in the window sill, his watchful gaze taking in the whole of Minas Tirith. Hearing the bed covers rustle, he turns towards me, and no traces of tears mar his cheeks. He wants me to remember him as the person whom I met in Rivendell, but on the whole, I believe I prefer to remember the man who wept into my hair when he assumed I was asleep.
"Good morning, beloved." He smiles quietly, and his eyes are soft. A fresh wave of sadness hits me as I realize I will never wake up with him by my side again.
"Good morning, Estel." Standing up, he walks the few feet it takes to bring him to our bed.
"I know this is indeed difficult, but the hour of payment is nigh." Looking away, I nod. "Will you come, or shall I say goodbye to you here?"
"I shall come," I say in a slightly constricted tone. I will not have him die alone in silence.
He nods in silent acceptance. "By your leave, Evenstar, I believe I will say farewell to Eldarion and our daughters separately."
"Of course," I whisper.
He brushes his lips to my temple before going off to seek our children. I stand up and proceed to twist my reflection until it resembles the way the Queen of Gondor should look. Then I remember I will not be the Queen of Gondor after this day.
*~*~*
Making my way down towards the Silent Street, I notice that the sky is overcast, and rain can be seen in the distance. The entire world is grieving for you, Estel. Will you not stay?
Opening the door to the House of Kings, I can hear voices in the distance. Before I can follow them, a company made up of rather important individuals in the kingdom emerges from a chamber, followed shortly by my son, who now wields the Scepter of Arnor and the crown of Gondor.
Passing them with nary a word, I let myself into the chamber that will the final resting place of King Ellesar. Upon seeing me, Aragorn seems to relax, although he does not smile.
"Estel-" I begin, but he cuts me off.
"Lady Undómiel, I would not have you plead with me to stay, if only for a short while. The hour is indeed hard, but after it all, when we pledged our troth on the hill of Cerin Armoth, all those years ago, we made a choice. And with that choice, fate we accepted, and our doom was appointed in that moment. "
He speaks the truth, and I know it. But it does not make it easier. Sitting on the side of his bed, I reach for his hand, before he begins to speak again.
"I can offer you no comfort, beloved, as there is no comfort for pain such as this within the confines of this world. But you now have a choice before you: to renounce your vow, and sail for the Havens, where your days will last forever, but never more than memory will our days be, or to abide my same fate."
Even now, he offers me a way out. I do not answer him for a time.
"Arwen… if I had the power to change time, to go back to Cerin Armoth-"
"Then you would still find me by your side. And there is now no ship to bear me to the Havens, so I have little choice but to accept the Doom of Men. But I say to you, my love, not until now have I tasted the bitterness of the mortality I have taken upon myself. I do not believe that it is my doom to die until all that I gave up my life for has been lost. "
His hand tightens around mine, and his gaze is imploring. "It indeed appears that way. But we shall not be confuted in the moment of the final test, we who forsook both the Shadow and the Twilight of long ago. In sorrow we must go, but not in despair. We are not bound forever to the circles of this world, and beyond them lies more than memory. Farewell, my dearest lady. My love for you shall not be sundered, and it will last all of Eternity."
This is the end. As he raises my hand to his lips, my resolve breaks, and tears fall unbidden. "Estel!" I sob, but there is no answer.
Trembling, I lay myself down next to his still warm body. Now in death, he seems more beautiful than in life. But never more than an image of kingliness shall he be forevermore.
*~*~*
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
Full of grace, full of grace, my love
*~*~*
Hours later, tears still running freely down my face, I leave the House of Kings. Walking through the rain, in the now empty streets of Minas Tirith, I realize I cannot stay here any longer. Everywhere I look, the essence of Aragorn haunts me. And every time I close my eyes, his image materializes before me. And behind me, his body lies. I will find no rest tonight, nor ever, while I dwell in this city.
*~*~*
After a sleepless night, filled with tears, I call Eldarion and my daughters to me. Saying goodbye to them is nearly as hard as saying goodbye to Aragorn. The spirit of his father dwells within Eldarion. I can offer him no higher praise.
Upon passing through the gates of Minas Tirith, I look back, just once. I once thought that the city was the epitome of grandeur and magnificence. Now it looks foreboding and ominous.
Several days later, I reach Lothlórien, where none now walk beneath the golden-leafed trees. My mind quickly takes me back to a night so many years ago, when I stood on the hill of Cerin Armoth and pledged myself to the Lord of the Dúnedain. And now that all has been said and done, I would do it again, without question.
As I walk alone in the now-silent land, the memories that surround me are bittersweet. Here is where I found my heart; but I left it in Minas Tirith, in the keeping of the only Man I could ever love, who is now lying in the arms of Death and Silence. And so shall I.
Casting myself onto the golden leaves, I feel the last measures of life leave me, and I say goodbye to the world where I have dwelt for longer than I can remember.
Suddenly, I am aware of another presence. From behind a wall of trees, Aragorn walks, clothed and white, and from somewhere inside him, a light glows.
My eyes open wide and questions explode inside my head. But he only smiles.
"Did you truly think I would ever really leave you, beloved?"
Leaning down, he catches my hand, and pulls me up to his side, and I see that I am cloaked in the same raiment as he is. Casting my gaze around, I search for an answer to any of my questions, but my eyes land on Aragorn's face.
"I told you that beyond this world was more than memory, Evenstar. And that which is more than memory can never be sundered. "
And with that, he pulls me into his arms and I know that in a single moment, every dream I have ever had has come true. And as his lips touch mine, I know for certain that real love is truly forever.
*~*~*The End*~*~*
One little side note: Happy Birthday to Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King Ellesar, Strider, Wingfoot, Longshanks, Stick-at-Naught and whatever else he may go by.