Hermes vs. Legolas

By: Kari Herbert

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, The Iliad, The Odyssey, Hermes, Greek mythology, movie theaters or any country in the world, much to my displeasure. I do, in fact, own Ri and this fic. My friends own Asmeroff (Sandy), Reala (Bekki), and Lea (Laura). This was my first LotR fic and it isn't as hentai/perverted as my GW fics! Wow. 'Mazing. Very innocent… sorta. SAFE for virgin eyes not already tainted by my GW fics. Have fun! And remember, Reviewing is NOT a critical overview. Buh bye!

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Hermes was in medius res. On one hand, he loved all the female fans he had. On the other, he was afraid of death by asphyxiation in the trample of admirers. Currently, he was desperately trying to crawl out from under a dog pile of about 500,000 female fans while the other million or so women screamed and begged for his autograph. Managing to disentangle himself, he pleaded with them to go watch the new "Lord of the Rings" movie. He claimed that if they went, he would join them after the movie started.

There was a minor earthquake as millions of ladies swamped their local movie theaters.

The girls entered the theaters swooning over Hermes. They left wanting Legolas' body…

*** The next day…***

Hermes prepared himself for the usual stampede of women when he heard the screams. After a couple of minutes with his eyes closed, and he was still standing, he opened an eye. There was another man who was being physically attacked by Hermes' fans. Random shards of clothing were being fought over as the owner climbed a tall tree and tossed the clothing.

"I WANT HIS KNICKERS!"

A Brit screamed madly.

"I WANT HIS UNDERGARMENT!"

A polite, but crazed, Italian screeched.

"I GET HIS BOXERS!"

A blonde haired American girl hollered, reaching for the poor man's boxers.

"IF YOU GET HIS BOXERS ASMEROFF, THEN I GET HIM!"

Another crazed blonde- blue tip haired American girl screamed.

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU GET HIM LEA! AS LONG AS I CAN DO HIM ALL THE TIME, ANY TIME!"

Another brown haired American girl said, tugging on Legolas' foot. "Come DOWN here!"

"REALA!!!" Asmeroff and Lea yelled, beating Reala, and occasionally Legolas when they missed, with random objects.

After a few weeks of this behavior, Lea suddenly came to a realization.

"With all the Legolas stuff, Hermes has been forgotten!"

"No shit Sherlock."

An annoyed, and blue- silvery haired, American girl said, glancing at Legolas trying to shake Reala off his leg, Asmeroff off his arm & keep his pants on. He lost his belt to an Englishman… don't ask.

" Legolas is a fucking sexy bitch Ri!"

Lea informed her couldn't-care-less-about-Legolas companion, before glomping him in the head.

This proved to be too much for Legolas, who proceeded to drop his pants, lose his balance, and topple over backward with Reala, Asmeroff and Lea clinging to him. Ri shrugged, headed for a short, young man walking toward her, and FLIPPED.

"FRODO! AW! YOU'RE SO SAMLL AND CUTE AND HOBBIT-LIKE AND HOT LOOKIN'! I NEED YOUR BOD! GIVE ME YOUR BOD!"

Needless to say, Frodo's eyes went huge and terrified by this strange person gasping out strange and terrifying thing while making a beeline for him. She then glomped him around the waist in mixture tackle/bear hug. They flew about 20 feet back into Pippin, who was knocked to the ground, unconscious.

Legolas wasn't the only one to toss and lose clothing. A brown vest, white button shirt (missing all the buttons), green cape, brown loose pants, a belt, shiny electric blue shirt [with spagheeti straps and a slit up the middle, about the 4 inches…], blue jean short shorts, white ankle socks, and tennis shoes, were littered about the meadow/clearing. Two figures were lying amid the tall grass and wildflowers, making an indent in the grass. The figures were still clothed ib their undergarments [You perverts…]. The pale bluish- silvery wavy back length hair and dark brown curly neck length hair was sticking slightly to the faces, necks, and foreheads of the two hobbits. [A/N: Hobbits are tricky lil devils when it comes to secrecy, hiding, and boinking, for a lack of a better word thereof.]

While Ri and Frodo were… uh… indisposed, playing tounge hockey, you get the idea… Legolas was desperately trying to wrestle his shirt away from Reala, keep Asmeroff from removing his boxers and keeping Lea from alternatively glomping/kissing him. Hermes was depressed. Half of his fans had returned to him, but the other half stayed with Legolas.

The End…

Or is it?

Coming up later on…



(EX)CHANGING SEXY MEN!!!

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Well, this is it! It was real short, to the point & dumb. Many things have changed since I've written this. For example:

Reala now loves Boromir.

Ri isn't a fangirl persona, she is a hobbit-elf.

Lea is an archer from Mirkwood.

Hermes has lost all fans and works for the postal service.

I've seen the movie.

I have written major and extended fics, including Frodo's Friend.

That's all. See you!

3 Ri