Family Guy:
Goin' Down to Quahog
It was a normal day in Quahog, Rhode Island. A day like any other, Stewie was planning the demise of Lois, and Lois, in all her infinite motherhood wisdom, was totally unawares. Lois was busy doing the house work while her husband, Peter was out at work at the toy factory. Stewie was busy at work in his room plotting how he would render that abominable woman unconscious long enuff for him to take over her mind and rid the house of the rest of the annoyin family. "Ahh this should do the work," he said as he held up his latest invention. "I shall soon be rid of that vile woman."
"Oh Stewie are you having fun playing with your toys?" Lois asked as she entered into Stewies room.
"What the duece? Don't you knock when entering a room you wretched woman?"
"Uh oh someones cranky. I think you need a nap."
"And I think you need a frontal lombotomy but I at least keep such things to myself," he paused and thought for a second."Dammit!"
"Awww Stewie, you are a cranky one. Is your diaper full?"
"Why so you can feel around in my diappy you sicko. No my diaper isn't full you fiendish devil woman. In fact my diaper is," Stewie's face skews in a look of semi-disgust. "Quite full, but that is besides the point."
"Here let me change you," Lois said as she bent over to pick Stewie up. As she lifted him up he dropped his toy and tried frantically to pick it up.
"No i must have it i need that," he continued to reach for it long after it was out of his reach and Lois was carrying him to the changing table. "Put me down you incestious creature. I must have my mi... my, oh lord what do these infantile children name such things? Ah yes my Binky. I must have my Binky."
"Awww Stewie you can have your toy after you're changed and all fresh and clean," the maternal tyrant said as she laid him down on the table and began to change his diaper.
Just then the front door was slammed shut and crying and running could be heard. Meg ran past Stewie's room and into hers bawling and slammed the door behind her. She plopped down on her bed and buries her head in her pillow to muffle the sound of her tears.
"Aww Stewie I will be right back I am going to see what is wrong with Meg," Lois said as she turned to go see what was wrong with Meg leaving Stewie laying naked on the table.
"Get back here you and put a diaper on me!" Stewie yelled after Lois. "Can't believe that the wretched woman would leave me here laying around in all my glory for all the world to see." He then jumped from off the table and ran across the room and picked up his mind control device. "Victory shall soon be mine."
At dinner that night Stewie could not sit still and kept looking at the door. The rest of the family was too deep in conversation to notice his obvious anxiousness.
"Yeah so all the popular kids think that I like Neil, which couldn't be farther from the truth. Now i will never be cool enough to hang with them," Meg whined as she kept ranting on about her sorry excuse for a social life.
"Now Meg," Brian said as Meg sat near tears. "You can't honestly believe that you ever had a chance to hang with the popular crowd now did you?"
"Haha. Not when you look like you could be ALL the popular kids rolled in one," Stewie called out.
"Bazing!" Both Stewie and Brian say as Meg stood up and ran from the table to her room.
"Brian!" Lois called as Meg was leaving. "How can you say such things to Meg? You know she has a low self-esteem."
"Sorry Lois, but it was too good of an oppurtunity to miss. She has such extreme thoughts about being part of the 'In' crowd I think it best that someone who likes her lets her know that her dreams are futile than for her to be hurt out in the real world."
The next day as everyone was leaving the house leaving Stewie and Lois alone in the house, Lois pickes Stewie up and heads to the car.
"You're going to have to spend some time away from mommy Stewie. I have things that need to be done today and i can't keep watch over you the whole time. I'm just going to take you over to the new Center and let you stay there for a few hours while i go do what i have to get done. I will be back before you even realize that i am gone."
"What? You're going to leave me in the care of strangers again? How dare you shirk your duties as a mother to me and let other people takes care of me. I shall have you reported woman. You cannot do this to me. My plans require that I am in your care at all times. Dammit woman you will not thwart me!"
Lois drops Stewie off at the Playfully Kids Center and went off to do her work. Stewie walked around the main room of the Center for a while and noticed that there was no adults in sight. So he headed for a back room to continue devising his plans of world domination and how he would get past Lois. As he was headed for the closest room he was stopped by a fat kid in a red shirt.
"Hey. You can't go back there," the fat kid said. "That is no place for babies."
"Oh and who is going to stop me Fatso?" Stewie asked annoyed that he was being detained by such a being as this.
"Hey baby! I'm not fat! I'm big-boned!"
"Yes, keep telling yourself that you Lardo and maybe one day it'll be tue. HA! That could never happen. Even if you bones were to get any bigger you'd still be huge."
"Shut up baby! Or I will have to kick you in the nuts."
"Cartman!" a voice from the back room yelled. "Get your fat ass in here."
"Goddammit Kyle I told you I'm not fat. Im big-boned."
"Oh now isn't this entertaining? It seems that your collegue-in-arms even thinks you to be fat, Tubby."
"Dammit baby! You will respect my authoritah!"
"Dammit Fat-ass get in here," the voice known as Kyle called again.
"But what are we going to do about this baby?"
"What? Cartman shut up and bring your fat ass in here so we can figure out how we are going to finish the plans for this stupid town so we can get back to South Park," a new voice called.
"Oh all right Stan. But we have to do something with this baby."
"Forget him. He's not part of the plan. All we are supposed to do is come here, destroy this town, and save the world," the new voice said again.
"What the duece?" Stewie said as he pushed past Cartman into the back room to see three other kids in the room. "Did you just say you were going to destroy Quahog?"
"Mphmmm mnmphnnm," said a hooded figure.
"That's right Kenny," Stan said.
"What did that thing say?" Stewie asked looking baffeled at Kenny. "Is it even speaking in English?"
"Mmmmphmmm mnnmphmm," Kenny said again. "Of course he's speaking English. What else would he speak?" Kyle asked.
"Well whatever it is, and whatever he is saying matters not 'cause I will not allow you to destroy Quahog. I will not allow you to stop me from ruling the world. I shall take whatever Dooms Day device you plan on using and take over the world."
"Mmmphmm nphmmm."
"You're right Kenny," Cartman said from the doorway. "I think this baby is the reason we were sent here in the first place. I told you that we had to do something about the baby."
"Oh will you shut up Cartman," Kyle said. "How can this baby be any kind of threat? I don't think he is the reason Jesus sent us to destroy this city."
"Jesus?" Stewie said shocked. "You got a message from Jesus? Well i got a message from Death for you." With that said Stewie pulled out his laser gun that he had hidden in his diaper. "And that message is 'See you in Hell!'" With that Stewie shot at Kenny and splattered his brains all over the back wall. "Who's next?"
"Oh my God! You killed Kenny!"
"You bastard!" With Kenny downed Stan and Kyle pulled out guns from behind their backs and point them at Stewie and open fire. Stewie jumps and dodges out of the way. He gets behind Cartman and jams the gun in his back.
"Hand over the device or the fat one gets it." Stan and Kyle look at one antoher and then at Cartman.
"Oh no what are we gonna do? We can't just let him kill Cartman."
"Yeah guys, you can't let him kill me. We're best friends. I know you guys will do the right thing and help me out."
"Shut up Fat-ass," Stan yelled as he started to shoot at Stewie hitting Cartman multiple times. Stewie, shocked that they would shoot at him through their friend pushed Cartman towards Stan and Kyle and dove to the right firing the gun as he did. As the first blasts hit Cartman his body exploded in a mass of blood and gore. Limbs flew across the room, an arm skittered across the floor in front of Stan who stood in place vomiting. Kyle wiped the blood and guts from his face to see Stewie duck behind a crate as a pacifier shaped object came towards him.
"What the Fu-" he started as the pacifier detonated and blew off his legs. "Oh God. My legs," he cried as he fell to the ground and tried to crawl to safety.
Stewie jumped up from behind the crate and landed on top of it. He shot Kyle in the arm which flew from his body and hit Stan in the eye. Stan fell over crying and vomiting. Stewie returned his attention to Kyle who had reached his dropped gun and was lifting his arm to aim at Stewie. "Give it up," he said laughing. "There's no way you can stop me," he called as Kyle took a shot which flew over Stewie's right shoulder. Stewie returned fire and hit him in the head splattering the remains of his body over the room.
Stan lay curled up on the floor in a fetal position covered in vomit, blood and gore, and something that might possibly be his own defication. Stewie jumped off the crate and slowly and carefully made his way over to him. He places the gun against the back of Stan's head and said, "You have this choice: you can go theway of your friends or you can give me the device with which you planned to destroy this city and I may spare your miserable life." Stan lay still crying to himself and trying not to vomit anymore.
"We didn't even have a plan on how we were going to destroy this town let alone any device in which to do it with."
"Fool! You think to try and trick me? I know that not only did you have a plan but you have the weapon here in this back room." With that Stewie pulled the trigger and sprayed Stan's brains all over the room. "Pity for you that you didn't tell me. I might have let you join me in my attempt at world domination."
"Stewie!" Lois called from the door of the back room. "What are you doing playing back here in all this mess? Look at you," she said as she bent over and picked him up. "You are covered in filth. You're coming home right now and having a bath." With that she hefted him into her arms and walked out of the Playfully Kids Center.
"Nooooo! I almost had it. Dammit woman must you thwart all my plans? I have bestest you once when I escaped from your ovarian prison and i will best you again some day. You can't escape the age of time forever..." Stewie let the thought simmer. "Yes that is it. I shall have my revenge against you once and for all. I shall force the passage of time and you and then you will be helpless to stop me." Stewie laughs manically as he is placed in the car and driven back to the house which is his new prison.