Author note: If anyone reading this feels triggered or unstable or is going through anything, don't read this.
I was gonna die here, I was definitely gonna die here, George was holding my head underwater in the school pool along with four of his friends, my heart was beating, racing, too fast, oh god I'm having a panic attack.
I breathed in a large gulp of water trying to get air to my head, I felt the world go cold, and everything went black, but I could still hear the shouts of the kids holding me down, I slowly sank to the bottom of the pool and felt the hard tiles against my head.
Next thing I know I'm having CPR performed on me by the "hot" lifeguard all the guts in my year crushed on, but I had no preference to.
I coughed up at least a gallon of water and my vision came back, the harsh black hoodie I had on, covering my arms clung tightly to my skin.
I looked at circle of bullies worriedly staring at me.
I got up and ran away, still panicking and finding it harder and harder to breathe.
I ran to the connected locker rooms and opened the cold red door, found the little orange bottle of pills and took one dry.
The Xanax helped calm me down and I sat on one of the benches just trying to slow my breath.
"Oi, freak, what was that about," George said as he entered the room.
I couldn't deal with him, I was hardly dealing with myself.
I painted and tried to block his voice out, but that meant letting in all the other voices, the ones that whispered, the ones that shouted, the ones that screamed.
"HEY, I'm talking to you," he moved forward and grabbed my shirt, holding me up against the lockers," if you tell anyone else what happened, you're dead," what he didn't realise is I'm already dead and by the time this is all over, I'll be dead, properly this time, I know from experience that one bottle isn't enough to kill you, just enough to put you to sleep for a while, to put you in a state of blissful unawareness, I wish I never had to wake.
"O-okay, I swear," he let go and I fell abruptly to the floor.
They walked quickly out the room and I opened my locker and grabbed the bottle of vodka stashed in the bottom of his locker.
I opened my door and found my parents on the couch opposite the front door, huddled up under a blanket in the dark watching a film, I had no desire to join them, instead I headed to the basement and was about to get the alcohol out of my bag when I saw my brother, Mikey making his way through my draws looking for something.
"MIKEY," he almost jumped as he spun round, "What are you doing."
"I know you have drugs, okay and I'm not letting you take them," who the fuck does he think he is trying to boss me around, he's the younger one.
"GET OUT," he looked at my like a puppy, begging me not to make him leave, " NOW," it didn't work.
He stood his ground and looked angrily at me.
"No, your not staying," I said as I walked over him and picked him up reluctantly, he struggled but was weaker than me so I just took him upstairs and locked the door, and proceeded to lock the extra locks I put in place to stop accessions like this arising.
I flopped face first on my unmade bed, it probably stank but who cares.
I got the bottle of vodka and the drugs which I corse he didn't find as I had hidden them underneath a loose floorboard.
I cut a line of coke with an old razor blade that had been spared from the task of cutting fleshing, instead, it cut cocaine.
I used a rolled up $1 bill to roughly snort the loose white powder and chugged the entire bottle of pills before chugging the bottle of vodka empty, in my haze I heard Mikey banging in the door, I didn't care, but I knew I wasn't going to do it tonight, after a while of not answering the door, Mikey would break in and send me to the hospital, and I couldn't do that to him.
I just lay there quietly, just let the voices die out, let all the rage and the hate and the sadness subside.
The day drifted into night, the staggering footsteps to the bathroom began, and the razor called louder and louder.
Mikey banged harder and harder in my door, it was only six and he was up and dressed, he finally broke the one of the locks attached, as he leaned on the door and it gave way, it flung open and he tripped down the stairs.
"GERARD, GERARD wake up," he looked around the room for me," GERARD, Gerard?" He couldn't find me, he finally opened the bathroom door and found me," Gerard," he said worriedly," wake up, please wake up," he said guard as he gently shook me awake, I saw the glass bottle neck in my hand and the body had been smashed, leaving tears of glass all around the room, and all up my arm. I realised the cause of Mikey's worry, there was blood all around the room.
"Jesus Christ Gerard, what have you done," he said as he helped me up. I opened the cabinet above the sink and grabbed a couple of bandages, I washed the cuts and wrapped them, that's when Mikey saw it, my pills, my bandages, my plasters.
"Gerard, what are those for," he said, his eyes watering.
I didn't turn to see him, I just leant on the sink and dipped my head, I couldn't explain all of this, I wouldn't.
"They just help okay," I said bluntly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" He said angrily as he grabbed my arm, forcing me to look at him.
"They help me."
"How?"
"They, they just do okay."
"Bullshit, Gerard, B U L L S H I T , I know your lying, I found the alcohol, I just haven't found the drugs, they don't help you, they mess you up, I love you and I won't sit by and let you destroy yourself like this." The worst but is I knew he wasn't lying, I knew he really did care about me and was just trying to get me somewhat sober.
"Get out Mikey, just leave." I couldn't bare for him to find my stash
"No, your using all your money on stupid things, they aren't going to last, your gonna run out and your whole world is gonna come crashing down. God, you are so fucking stupid, you are so goddamn stupid, those things are killing you."
"THAT'S THE POINT MIKEY," I shouted as I pushed him out the bathroom.
I sat on the floor, and breathed, in and out, I cleaned up the glass and the blood, had a shower, and looked at myself in the foggy mirror, I had dark red rings around my eyes and my bright red hair had begun to show my dark roots.
I dried myself, put on my cleanest pair of jeans, put on a top and hoodie to hide my arms and grabbed my phone, most days I didn't have time for breakfast so I was used to it by now.
To say that everyday is a repeat of the last is an understatement, my life consists of one thing, repeated again and again and again, until I make it stop, until I make everything stop.
I walked slowly up to my locker, trying to stay off the radar, of George or any of the people that idolised him, I was not so lucky.
"Hey dickweed, I was wondering, how much more of those magic little pills you got?"
"What? I-I don't know you're on about," I said quickly realising he meant my Xanax.
"Dong play dumb, I know you got it, and your gonna get me some," he said as he pushed me back, his friend held his foot out and I tumbled to the floor, I couldn't give him any, I-I needed those, why did he want them, how did he know I had them.
"No, I don't know what your talking about," I muttered from the floor.
He swiftly kicked me hard in the ribs, sending pain through my whole body, he kicked me in the stomach and some kid stood firmly on my neck.
"Don't lie, I know you've got them," I felt my pipeline closing and my breath fluttering.
"Okay, Okay fine, I'll do it," he let go and I gasped deeply, crutching my stomach.
"Let's go," he said as he grabbed my hoodie and pulled me up.
I walked to my locker by the school pool and opened it, hoping they couldn't see the other stuff in there, I found my Xanax, got out five pills and gave them to George.
"Come on, give me the rest,"he said reaching for the bottle, but I pulled them away and slammed my locker shut, locking them away.
"Come on."
"No, no those are mine," I said staring at my feet, hoping to receive minimal beatings. He didn't know it but my panic attack were a regular thing for me, and without those pills, I could die, I just loose all control, choking on air and I slowly suffocate myself, and last time I ran out pills, I did in fact almost die, it was only because I was at home and had other drugs with me that I could make it through the ordeal.
"What'd you say," he said as he stepped closer.
"Those are mine, I need them, you can't have them, okay beat me up, break my arms, kill me but the rest are mine."
"Bad choice of words," he said as he threw me across the room, straight into a hard concrete wall, I heard a small crack and the familiar feeling of cool blood running from my skull to the floor.
"Dude stop Okay you got your pills let's go," his friend said worried at the amount of blood coming from my head.
"No, I'm not leaving without the rest," he said, stepping on my wrists, sharp pains from cuts arose and the crunch of bone sent shivers down my back.
"DUDE, you're gonna kill him stop!"
"Fine I'll stop," they said as they left the room, each taking two pills, I kinda hoped that the last pill would tear them apart over possession.
I lay there, just watched as my blood filled the room, maybe this was going to be how I went, maybe I would never get to write the notes, never get to say goodbye to Mikey, I loved the kid but for some reason being harsh on him is just easier than letting him in on all my worries, I don't know whether I could do that to him, when we were little we were close, we were best friends, but then I grew up, I lost friends and gained some, I was bullied for being unathletic, he was tagged as relatable for his ability to come last in every race he competed in.
When no one came, I pulled myself dizzily off the floor and headed for the nurse, which was luckily next door, I knew I wanted to die, but I wanted it to be in my terms.
"Oh my god," she said after opening the door to see me, she rushed my to the bed and fixed my head, it was over three hours later that I woke up.
"Hey honey," the nurse said as she held an ice pack on my head to accompany the one on my ribs and my wrists.
"Can u tell me what happened," I desperately fought back tears.
"They, they got me," visits to the nurse were a regular thing for me, as I was the designated punching bag.
"Okay, that's okay," she said stroking my hair.
She was like the mother I wish I had, she always cared about me and gave a shit about what I was going through.
She would pull me from lessons and we would talk, because my parents thought I needed a therapist but I refused, we met in the middle, I get to miss lessons, and they get to claim they tried to help their son.
We talked about everything from lord of the rings to George, she knew what he did, but he was rich and his parents practically were the only thing keeping the school open, as the donated regularly, meaning, no one could lay a finger on him, which by know we had excepted, so, she always had extra bandages and lollipops for me.
"Gerard I need to tell you something," she said after I stopped crying.
"I'm moving to Alaska tomorrow, Friday is my last day here."
"What, what do you mean you're moving."
"Well, exactly that, I'm moving away, a new nurse will come in, and she will be just as nice, and she will be just as good and it will be fine."
"I don't want a new nurse," how could she leave, she knows me better than everyone here, she was the first on I came out to, I was the first pupil she came out to, she was the only adult I trusted at this point and she was leaving me.
"I don't want you to go," I said as tears began to fill my eyes.
"I know honey, it will be okay, you'll be okay," she said as she strolled my hair and hugged me.
I walked to my shitty car and saw Mikey angrily waiting.
I got in the car and drive home in silence.
When I got downstairs to my room, all I wanted to do was die, it was gone, my last reason to still be here, it had run away from me, run away to butt fucking Nebraska of all places.
And to top it all of, the voices were back, I heard them and I listened, I know that was a mistake.
"Just do it." "They won't miss you." " your doing them all a favour," "it'll be peaceful," "no one will ever hurt you again."
I listened to them, walking slowly to the cold bathroom and pulling out a sterilised razor, I sat in the bathroom floor and slowly cut my wrists, letting my cool blood pour out, until it seemed to form scabs and stopped bleeding. I put on a hoodie and headed to bed, they would be scars in the morning but it would shut everything up.
But they were too deep, and the morning never came, however Mikey did, Mikey shook Gerard hoping to wake him up, he never did wake him up, he did scream, he never said goodbye, he did cry, he never said sorry for the petty arguments, he did look at his brothers dead glassy eyes hoping for them to magically spark back to life, he never did dye his brothers hair one last time, he did have a nervous breakdown in class after someone mentioned my favourite band, he didn't get to sleep in the basement, scared out of him mind because of the storm raging outside, he did watch his mother stare blankly like she was burying a part of herself with her son.
I did regret it