Disclaimer: This was written without the consent of the owners, so please forgive me )! And anything that you recognize belongs to the lovely J.K. Rowling!
Summary:
I'd give it all away just to have somewhere to go to, give it all away to have someone to come to come home to. A friend's love says: If you ever need anything, I'll be there. A true love's love says: You'll never need anything, I'll be there. Those are the lessons that I have learned and am learning all over again.
A/N: Thanx so much to my Beta, Kris! Without her, this would be really bad. Hope you enjoy. Remember flamers are welcomed and compliments appriciated.
Everyone thought they knew me, but they didn't. People can only imagine what I have gone through and yet that's not enough to understand. Everyone thinks they know depression, they think they know what it's like to be alone in a crowded room, they think they know the facts, how someone acts, but the truth is, they know absolutely nothing. Yeah, scientists may have done research, surveys, tests, things that people will believe. But no one knows it. No one knows how it feels to be alone. To feel ashamed of every move, every thought they have. They say their lives are bad, that they know "what you're going through", heck no they don't. No one knows until they experience it first hand. And I, of all, have. I shouldn't have. I told my father that I'd never be ashamed of him, of having his last name, now I regret it. I wish I could take it back, after all that he's done to me, all that he's put me through. I'm ashamed of my last name, my heritage. But there is only one thing that keeps me living, only one thing I can hold on to.
I never really felt comfort after I left school. The spring months held no "romance in the air", summer was never as relieving as before, and fall never did bring "change" again. But winter, now that is something different. I loved the cold hard months, but I hated it at the same time. Everyone's jolly spirit during December disgusted me. Sure, I liked it when I was younger; I was the rich pureblood everyone knew and feared.
Everyone always expected me to become a Death Eater because of my father. They expected me to become the Dark Lord's right hand man as my father. After everything that happened with Dumbledore, most of the wizarding world hated me. But no one understood that I never did it. Snape did, but no one knew that; only Snape, the Death Eaters that were there, and me. Everyone expected me to turn out evil and such, everyone but her. Though I think that at one point she did, but I guess her perspective changed.
I never thought that she could do so much for me, and never did I think that I would repay her like that. I wish that I hadn't. It haunted me after she helped me and it still does. That's why I'm still here.
Here I sit, in the park in front of her home. I just watch her door, her windows – Man, do I sound like a stalker or what? I waited to see if she would ever notice that I always watched her. It's like I felt some sort of protectiveness over her, yeah sure, the wizarding world is as safe as it will ever be, but there were still some lunatics. No one was really surprised when Potter defeated Voldemort; I wasn't.
My father had always taught me that evil was the most powerful force of all. It was dominant over good. All that rubbish. However, my mother had taught me differently. While she was under my father's strict rule over our household, she was good, at least to me. She taught me to obey my father, but never really allow his ideas stick to me. She always said, "No matter how much darkness there is in the world, as long as there is one little twinkle of light, it will always even out." A bit lame, but it always helped me.
For me, light was always a bit like hope. I hoped that I would find my way back to the track that my father always disapproved of, back to the path my mother had always wished for me to take. I prayed that one day I would find my way back into her arms; that we could live the life that she deserved to live. She deserved an adoring husband, an affectionate family; she deserved everything that I doubt I could give her, but I still wished, wish that it could be me. And I remembered something that she had told me long ago. A friend will tell you "if you ever need anything, I'll be there". But a love will tell you that "you'll never need anything; I'll be there".
I looked up from my footsteps imprinted in the snow to her apartment building. I saw a flicker of a light turn on, down on the main floor of the apartment. Her cream-colored curtains dimmed it softly. Yes, I did know the color. I came here so often, it was just easy to tell. I could see the inside of that small area. She had turned on a lamp that rested on a petite table. I could see that she had lit the fire, too. What I would give to be in there, in the warmth. I had Malfoy Manor, but it didn't have that homey feeling, never had. My eyes lit up as I saw her walk into the room, from what I guessed she just came back from the kitchen, seeing as how she held a box of cookies and a cup of coffee. She placed them on the table that held the lamp. I saw her grab a book that rested on the table in the middle of the room. She sat on the couch and opened her book.
I watched her read for about fifteen minutes before she reached for her coffee mug. When I was younger, I never thought I would be here, watching her read from afar. I knew that she was a bookworm, but that just gave off a feeling of innocence that I always saw in her, even after she punched me in the face during third year. During the Yule Ball, she was more than an angel; she was a goddess.
But that was the past, something I could never change, though I'm not sure if I would even want to. I focused back on her. To me this would be how I'd like to spend the rest of my life, just watching her. I saw that she raised her hand to her head and I guess sighed in frustration. Then came the moment I had been wishing for to happen every time I watched her. She looked at me. Her caramel-brown eyes met mine with shock; I didn't really blame her though. But then her eyes turned warmer and she smiled the smile I fell in love with long ago when she had tried to help me. I smiled back a sad smile because how could I resist not to? Her eyes lit up before she turned back to her book and a look of concentration crossed her face.
My smile dropped, as if she would recognize me after all those years. And all that time, this time of year had been mine, the snow-covered trees, my snow-covered home. It all hurt so much that I couldn't bear it any longer. Tears slid down my cheeks, I didn't even notice until I felt one on the palm of my hand. I looked down on it as it slid over the side of my hand onto the snow; it was replaced by a snowflake. I looked up and saw that all around me it was snowing. Every little snowflake was as different from the other, just as me and her.
The sky was dark and it contrasted nicely with the winter wonderland that lay here on the surface of the ground. I knew it was late and that I probably should be getting back to the Manor, nothing was waiting me there except my neatly made king-sized bed.
I got up slowly since I really didn't want to move. A sudden gush of wind made me shiver slightly. I pulled my robe around me tighter as I took a step. I could hear the crunch of the snow being broken and just walked on. I stopped on the sidewalk and looked back at her apartment. The light was still on and she was still reading. I figured that it was safe to get a closer look at her since she seemed to be so absorbed in her book. I quickly ran across the street, though I didn't necessarily have to, seeing as there were no cars in sight.
I looked through her now close window and just admired her. That's when I noticed she was crying. She put down the book and just placed her head in her hands and cried. I wished that I could have been there to hold her, to comfort her through whatever she was going through. I knew that there was slim chance of that happening. I could hear her ever so gently asking herself, "Why can't I give up on him?" I felt a pang in my heart. I didn't know for sure who she was talking about, though I had a pretty good idea. I knew she was crying because of me.
I looked down onto the newly layered sidewalk with my head bowed and tears trailing down my cheeks. It hurt so much, all of it. I knew that I was a dunderhead during school, but no one deserved this pain, especially her. That's when I noticed that I didn't hear sobs anymore. I looked up and saw her looking at me. Her face held an expression that I couldn't read. I saw her bolt off the couch to get somewhere.
Probably scared her off just like I always did during school. Then I heard a door creak open. I turned around so fast that a hot pain shot up from the top of my back all the way to the lower part of my head but I didn't care.
Once again our eyes met; hers gold and mine silver. She looked out of breath though she was still astounding. Her hair was softly wavy and shined vividly because of the illuminating light coming from inside. She was dressed in Muggle clothing but it fit her nicely. She wore a light pink shirt under the blue jumper that she wore open. She wore pyjama pants that were covered in words and looked extremely warm and soft. I looked back at her and she smiled at me, though it was a sad smile.
I smiled back and walked up the steps of her apartment, so that I was standing directly in front of her.
"Hello Draco." Her voice sounded so angelic and gentle.
"Hey." I mentally scolded myself for giving such a bland reply.
There was an awkward silence that filled the air around us. I shoved my hands into the pockets inside my robes and leaned back on the heels of my feet, a nervous habit I had.
I looked up from the ground and saw her lean against the side of her front door. At that moment, she took my breath away leaving me astounded.
"So … what brings you around these parts?" she asked awkwardly and I just had to smile.
Mentally I told myself to reply "you", and I guess I did because I heard her gasp slightly. Obviously, she wasn't expecting that. And at that moment a wind swept through the air reminding me that it was winter. I shivered slightly and I guess she noticed.
"Do you want to come in? What am I talking about? Of course you'd like to come in, I mean after all it is winter and its freezing cold. I'm a bad host." She looked lost in thought as she continued, "Oh really, Draco, come in."
She gestured for me to come inside by stepping aside. As much as my body wished to be in the warmth of her home, my legs froze stiff. My mind urged me to enter, but I stayed still. I let out a deep breath as I reminded myself that it was here were I belonged. Out with the cold, hard months, the wind gushing outdoors; my snow-covered home.
"No thanks."
"Oh really, you should come in, it's absolutely freezing!" she exclaimed rapidly. "Ok then, if you honestly do wish to stay outside," she exaggerated, "then tell me the truth of why you're here? Out on my doorstep? In the middle of winter, especially while it's snowing?"
"I told you already. The reason is you." My voice was steady and stern at the same time.
"M-me? Very funny." With one look into my eyes she found that I was telling the truth. "You're serious?"
She saw me nod my head. She looked at me quizzically then sighed deeply.
"Why?"
"I honestly don't know."
I really didn't. I had no idea why I made myself come to wait in the park across the street from her. I didn't know the reason why I stared at her. Every day of my life after the war, I forced myself to let her go. I made myself try to forget about her. Her smile, her laugh, her beauty, her brains, and at times I did. But then, there would just be something that reminded me of her; then would come the memories that I had tried to bury deep within my mind.
"What happened?" Her voice took me out of my thoughts.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, what happened with us? After everything was the way it was supposed to be?"
"Nothing's the way it's supposed to be," I whispered.
"Draco, why are you doing this to yourself?" she questioned again.
"Doing what? Living my life?" I sucked in a deep breath. "Living my life without you?"
"Draco." Her voice was soft and gentle.
"Hermione." That was the first time I had said her name out loud in years. "This is my December, it's my time of the year, it's my snow-covered home, and you know what? This is me alone."
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" she exclaimed exasperatingly.
"After you left, I was just pretending that what I did have was all that I needed."
"I had no idea. Draco, it was just that Harry and Ron –"
"Oh yes, Boy Wonder and his sidekick!" I muttered bitterly.
"Draco!"
"What? What would you want me to say, Hermione? It was because of them that I lost you!"
"Stop it, Draco! You know that's not true!" she yelled back at me in a defending tone.
"Yes, it is! And you know it perfectly well! Just because Potter and Weasley didn't want to have anything to do with me! They didn't trust me! That was the only reason you got away!" I argued back.
"No one trusted you!" she shot back with fury.
"But you did!" And that's were it stopped.
"I know," she whispered as she looked at the snowflakes falling from the sky.
She stepped out of the doorway and down the steps as I followed. She crossed the street making sure I was behind her. She walked all the way up to the swing set that lied alongside the slide and the bench, were I previously had been. She sat on the swing, and as I sat next to her, she spoke,
"Amazing, isn't it? The one person who you called names, that you made fun of all through school, helped you." I knew that Hermione meant it to affect me in some way and it did.
"Don't give me the guilt trip, okay? You're the one that left, just barely when I realized that I needed you."
"Yeah, to nurse you back to a healthy being."
"And I thank you just like I did all those years ago,"
"Why have you come back to me, Draco? I want to know why you're making me hurt every time I see you outside my window. Why do you look like there's something that you've lost?" She looked at me.
Her gold eyes shone with the curiosity and compassion that I had learned to love long ago, and love to this day.
"It's just that I wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed, you know?"
"Yeah, I know." And that's when I truly knew that she did understand and she was going to be the only one. "But you never answered my question all those years back. Why did you ever make fun of me?" She looked me in the eye as I sighed inwardly.
"My father, that's really the only excuse. I have no other and even that's not a good one."
"Yes, it is. I don't blame you for fearing your father. I'm even scared of him and I've only met him once." She giggled slightly trying to lighten up the mood.
"Hermione, just so you know I take back all the things I said to make you feel like that."
"Don't, Draco, please don't. Yeah, sure, most of what you said to me was hurtful." That's when I tore my eyes away from her, but she took hold of my face and turned my head so I had to look at her. "But then again," she sighed as if she recalled something, "every other word that left your mouth when I helped you, I kept with me and to this day, I still do."
"It's only that I'd give it all away just to have somewhere to go to every night, not just to some lonely mansion. I'd give it all away to have someone to come home to, and to this day, I wish that that someone would be you." During my little speech I looked her in the eye the entire time so she could see that I loved her more than life itself.
"Funny, it's exactly how I feel too. I mean coming home to an empty house, just to be all alone again. It's ridiculous how people let others get in the way of how they feel." She turned away from me to look at the falling snowflakes.
"Tell me about it. It seems like we all want what we can't have…"
"But there are times when there's a happy ending, right?"
"I guess, but not everyone can have it. They can deserve it, but some just can't have it." I looked her in the eye trying to express what I truly felt.
"Would you really give it all away?"
"What? Malfoy Manor, the house elves, the status, the money?" She nodded as I whispered the words that changed my life forever. "Yeah, I'd give it away for someone to come home to."
"Draco." Her voice was filled with gentleness, with beauty, with compassion.
"Yeah, I'd give it all away for you." My voice was stern and steady and filled with truth as I looked her in the eye. "Hermione, I finally have the guts to tell you what I have been longing to tell you since the day you left."
"And what would that be?" Her features held a smile as I took her hand.
"I –"
She leaned over and touched my cheek with her hand. I leaned into her and kissed her. Her lips felt soft and gentle. It was the most incredible feeling I ever remember. My tongue softly begged to enter her mouth and she opened without protest. Our tongues mingled and she tasted like chocolate. I pulled away from her, breathless. My hands had found their way to her hair and it felt soft and silky and shone in the moonlight as bright as her eyes. Her hand still played with the short hairs at the nape of my neck. My blond hair fell into my eyes as she brushed it away from her other hand, which still held mine.
"I love you too, Draco. Never forget that and remember that you will always have someone to come home to and somewhere to go," she whispered gently.
"Thank you for everything, Hermione. For giving me the chance to live again; for giving me another chance; for being ... you," I whispered back as she leaned into me again.
And that's the lesson that I had learned before and learned again through the love of my life, Hermione, my wife. And am learning again through my children Alessandra and William. I learned that the most important thing was to have somewhere and someone to go to. And that I'll never need anything because she'll be there.
Faithfully hers,
Draco L. Malfoy
Draco L. Malfoy