Author: Whimsy
Title: Tomodachigai
Pairings: 1+R, 2+1, 3+4/4+3 lingering somewhere in the background
Rating: PG-13 for language
Notes: Well, this started out as a humor fic. Really, it did. Heero gets the chicken pox--ha ha, how funny. It didn't wind up being all that funny, but it's still kinda sweet. Heero's chicken pox experience is based on my own rather dim recollections of what chicken pox is like rather than any clinical stuff. Re: the title--I played with a nice online English-Japanese dictionary, so if it's wrong, I plead complete ignorance. Some days, I can barely manage English--Japanese is far, far beyond me. Anyway, the nice dictionary said "Tomodachigai" means "True Friendship." It's just less lame in another language, hence the translation.
Warnings: OH MY GOD!! WHIMSY WROTE A 1+R!!! THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH!!! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!! Er... right. Yes, this is 1+R. It's also 2+1 and 3+4/4+3, since I can't not write shounen ai in some form or another. So if either of those things (Relena or shounen ai) bugs you, don't read. *pauses* I may have just eliminated my entire audience... Um. Anyway, OOCness. Sticklers beware.
Disclaimers: If I were Hajime Yatate, or any of the others involved with the creation of Gundam, and could therefore lay claim to it in any form, I wouldn't be sitting here writing fanfics on a six year old word processor. 'Kay?
Tomodachigai
The mission had gone off without a hitch--Duo and Heero had handled the destruction of the OZ base while Trowa and Quatre concentrated on retrieving and then destroying all the mobile suit research the facility had housed. The four boys rendezvoused by their stolen vehicle and watched as the place went up in flames. After a few minutes Heero commented succinctly, "Hn," and turned away. The others followed, Duo climbing into the back of the truck with Heero while Trowa took the driver's seat and Quatre settled in the passenger seat. As they started off, they could hear the wailing sirens of the approaching emergency vehicles. They would be far too late to salvage anything from this base.
Duo slouched comfortably in the rear of the appropriated laundry truck. He leaned against the wall, well satisfied with their performance on this mission. The base was completely destroyed, and there hadn't been a single civilian casualty. He would've preferred it if there hadn't been any casualties at all, but that was probably too much to ask in the middle of a war. Further contemplation was cut off as he was distracted by Heero squirming next to him. He glanced at the other boy out of the corner of his eye. What was his problem? Heero shifted again and Duo looked at him curiously. "Heero? Is something wrong?"
The Japanese boy straightened, staring straight ahead, and shook his head once. "No."
Duo frowned, studying his partner. There was something off about the boy, but Duo couldn't quite put his finger on it. He seemed almost... fidgety. Of course, being Heero, he wasn't actually fidgeting, but Duo had the distinct impression that he _wanted_ to. His posture was just too straight, his hands too carefully still in his lap. Just as Duo was about to give up he noticed something... there. On Heero's shoulder. He leaned closer to look and Heero drew back, glaring at him. Unmindful of the certain death headed his way, Duo reached up and poked the small red spot on Heero's shoulder. Heero growled and batted his hand away, turning to glare fully at the American boy. Still heedless, Duo grabbed Heero's hand, turning his arm over to reveal more small red marks dotting the underside of his arm. Heero tried to tug his hand away, only to find it caught in Duo's surprisingly strong grip. "Duo..." Heero warned, "let go of my hand."
Duo looked up from Heero's arm, concern written faintly on his features. "Heero, what the hell did you do to yourself?" He could see more small red spots on Heero's chest and neck, now that he knew what he was looking for. "What are all these marks?"
Heero growled and yanked his arm from Duo's grasp, turning to stare ahead again. "They're nothing. Drop it."
Duo poked the mark on Heero's shoulder again. "C'mon, Heero. Gimme a break. They're noth--"
Heero made an inarticulate noise of frustration and pushed Duo's hand away, then attacked the spot with his fingernails, scratching furiously.
Duo blinked at him. "Heero?" he asked intelligently.
Heero halted his scratching, looking almost sheepish as he said, "I don't know what they are. They... they _itch_."
Duo paused, staring, then burst into laughter, cackling and clutching his sides.
Heero glowered, feeling unaccountably defensive. He managed to keep the defensiveness out of his voice, though, sounding merely irritated when he asked, "What are you laughing at?"
Duo seemed to be regaining control when he met Heero's angry, confused gaze and collapsed into laughter once more.
Heero scowled and faced forward again, pointedly ignoring Duo. He didn't know what was wrong with him, and Duo was being no help.
Several minutes later, Duo had calmed down enough to speak. He even managed to keep the laughter out of his voice, although he couldn't suppress the amusement shining in his eyes. He faced Heero, studying his angry profile. "Chicken pox."
Heero turned and blinked at him, a blank expression on his face. "Nani?"
Duo struggled not to grin. "You. Have. Chicken pox."
Heero glared at him, half suspecting this was just some joke. "What are 'chicken pox'?"
Duo's grin finally struggled free. "A kids' disease!"
A childhood ailment? _Him_? Heero stared at Duo, obviously waiting for more information. Duo was happy to oblige.
"See, a few weeks after I got to Maxwell Church we got hit--all of us kids got the chicken pox. There were, like, thirty of us, all confined to bed and covered with itchy spots... it was actually kinda fun. We ran Sister Helen ragged." He smiled wistfully, his eyes cloudy with memory. Heero watched him silently, his own discomfort forgotten. This was the most he'd ever heard Duo speak about his past.
Duo shook himself slightly. "Anyway, most people get chicken pox when they're little." He snorted in amusement. "The Perfect Soldier has chicken pox!"
Heero glared at him. "What can I do about it?"
Duo shrugged. "Nothin'! It's caused by a virus--you'll just have to wait it out, like everybody else." He sounded thoughtful as he continued, "I wonder if Q-man has any calamine lotion..."
When they arrived back at the safehouse, Duo bounded out of the back of the truck and announced, "Guess what, guys! Heero has chicken pox!"
Quatre immediately rushed to Heero's side, all sympathy and commiseration. Trowa merely raised an eyebrow as if to say, "You? _Chicken pox_?"
Heero growled at all of them and just barely restrained himself from stomping into the safehouse.
**********
Several hours later found Heero sitting propped up by pillows in bed while Quatre fluttered around him and Duo dotted watery pink stuff on his naked torso.
Quatre's voice was a static of background noise: "Can I get you some juice? Water? Tea? Do you need another pillow? Blanket? Heero? Do you feel all right? Do you want something to eat? Can I get you anything at all..." while Duo, surprisingly, offered more helpful information. "The calamine should take care of the itching, but whatever you do don't scratch! You'll just spread the virus over _more_ of you body. Everything should clear up in about a week, and after that you'll be immune. I can't believe you've never had chicken pox..."
However, Heero still had the impression that Duo was laughing at him. "I was never sick as a child. That would've interfered with my training."
Duo just gave him a look. "Riiiiight." He reached the waistband of Heero's shorts and paused awkwardly. "Um... you might wanna do this part yourself." Duo sat back, cheeks slightly pink, and handed the calamine to Heero. "We'll just, uh, be back in a few minutes." With that he herded Quatre out of the room, leaving Heero alone. Heero stared after him, wondering about the blush, then dismissed it and turned his attention to applying calamine lotion to his lower parts. Several minutes later Duo reappeared, sans Quatre, and settled in the comfortable armchair he'd brought to Heero's bedroom from his own, looking like he intended to stay a while. Heero looked at him curiously, but Duo didn't explain his presence; instead he launched into one of his "Having a Conversation With Heero" monologues. Heero sighed in resignation and sat back, listening with half an ear to the relentless patter of Duo's voice.
*********
Duo felt his cheeks burn as he ushered Quatre out the door and down the stairs. Damn him and his teenage hormones. He couldn't help picturing it in his mind, though--what it would be like to run his hands over that scarred, golden flesh, to be allowed to touch, for real, the sleekly muscled limbs and tangle his fingers in the tousled dark hair, push it away from Heero's eyes so he could watch the other boy go mad with passion...
He cut his thoughts off abruptly, again. It was too easy to get caught up in those fantasies. Thankfully, Quatre was too concerned and Heero too dense to catch on to his discomfort. At least, he hoped Heero was too dense. The Japanese boy had no experience as far as Duo knew. Of course, he wasn't an innocent--Heero probably knew more about sex than *he* did, even. But knowledge and experience were entirely different things.
After depositing Quatre in Trowa's lap with many assurances that Duo could look after Heero's needs on his own, Duo returned to Heero's bedroom. He stood in the doorway for a second, just watching as Heero scowled at the calamine lotion on his chest. Suppressing a fond grin, Duo entered the room and crossed, as casually as he could with Heero's eyes drilling holes in his back, to the armchair he'd brought in earlier. He slouched comfortably in the chair, ignoring Heero's questioning look--how could he explain his presence without getting his ass kicked?--and started babbling. Maybe, if he did all the talking, he could avoid the question in Heero's eyes a little longer.
***************
Heero shifted uncomfortably in bed. Duo had gone to run some errands, and Heero was alone at last. And suppressing the urge to squirm. He resolved not to mention this to Duo. The other boy was getting far too much enjoyment out of his illness as it was--he didn't need to know Heero was going nearly insane with the urge to itch. He studied his pink-spotted torso--this 'calamine lotion' that Duo claimed would help with the itching didn't seem to be doing a damned thing. However, Duo was right--if he scratched he risked spreading the infection. So he was reduced to sitting carefully immobile so the brush of the sheets against his skin wouldn't exacerbate the problem.
He shifted again. There was one particularly maddening 'pock' on the bottom of his left foot... it would be so easy to scratch it, just a little, with his right big toe.... Iie! He kicked his left leg out from under the covers, resting it on top of them in a vain attempt to ease the temptation of his right foot so very close to the unbearably itchy sole of his other foot.
He caught his right hand creeping up his left arm, reaching unconsciously for that first red mark that had caught Duo's attention and drew it forcefully away, fisting both his hands in the sheets in an effort to keep them still. His skin was crawling--even the feather-light whisper of the pillowcase on the back of his neck was driving him mad. He supposed he should be glad, at least, that Trowa had found a way to occupy Quatre while Duo was gone. He understood Quatre was concerned, and it was in his nature to want to help, but the little blonde's solicitousness was wearing on him. If he had offered to fluff Heero's pillows one more time, the Japanese boy was sure he would have strangled him on the spot. A very angry Trowa was really the last thing he needed right now.
He rubbed absently at a spot on his leg through the blanket and wondered when Duo would return. He thought he would be glad to have a few minutes alone, without Duo's constant presence, but the American was unexpectedly soothing. It must have been the talking. Duo's constant stream of seemingly aimless chatter kept him distracted from the horrible _itching_. He noticed what his hand was up to and stopped rubbing, only to have that spot erupt in fierce itchiness--it was even worse than before! Heero glared at the undoubtedly small, round, red spot on his leg beneath the blanket, as if the heat of his glare could burn these 'chicken pox' out of existence.
As he glared, he caught himself wondering again when Duo would return. He held back a sigh, but rolled his eyes at himself in exasperation. Impossibly, he missed Duo. He was surprised at the boy's patience--he had answered all of Heero's questions about his illness as well as he could, and when his own meager knowledge had failed to satisfy the Japanese boy, he had willingly fetched his own laptop to conduct an internet search for further information. He had waited on Heero hand and foot, although Heero hadn't asked for much. And in the meantime he had talked to Heero, drawing the other boy out of his shell to the extent that they had some real _conversations_, with Heero making contributions of his own rather than just listening. He had been surprised, as well, at the American's far-ranging and surprisingly complete knowledge. He had questioned Heero intelligently on points of Japanese history and culture, comparing it with what he knew of other cultures. Heero had been startled at the accuracy of Duo's analysis. He hadn't thought the noisy American could possibly understand him--or his culture--so well; apparently, he had underestimated the boy. He resolved to keep a closer eye on his partner in the future--he was curious to know what else was hidden behind the joker's mask.
He heard the front door slam and Duo's cheerful tenor ring up the stairs: "Honey, I'm hooooome!" Apparently, pondering his partner's unexpectedly eclectic nature had kept Heero sufficiently diverted--the itchiness had quieted to a dull murmur in his mind. And now Duo was here. Duo would make it easier.
*************
Duo wandered the aisles of the grocery store aimlessly. They didn't really need anything--he just couldn't spend another minute in Heero's presence without jumping the other boy and kissing him wildly, or just confessing everything he felt for the often stoic boy. They'd talked for hours... it was wonderful. Every time Heero's dark eyes had sparked with interest, or he'd lost himself in a particular anecdote, every moment Duo felt his steady gaze on him, listening intently or assessing and reassessing his idiot partner, had been both torture and paradise. He'd finally caught Heero's attention, and he'd had to run away because he couldn't handle it.
Heero was his best friend. The other boy may not have realized it, but Duo felt closer to him than to any of the other pilots. He snorted at himself--if he'd been smart, he'd've latched onto Quatre and been *his* best friend. It would've been so much easier with someone of a similarly open and trusting nature, but he was, after all, Duo Maxwell. He never did things the easy way, and he loved a challenge. Heero Yuy was nothing if not a challenge. He thought Heero might even feel something for him in return. But these feelings, and his own inability to control them was jeopardizing their precariously balanced relationship. If he lost Heero's friendship, he didn't know what the hell he'd do.
Grabbing several items at random, Duo made his way through the store, thoroughly distracted by his thoughts. He was roused at the checkout lane by a nasal, cracking voice calling out , "Paper or Plastic, sir?" He looked up to find a gawky, pimply faced boy waving a plastic bag at him. He nodded absently without answering the question--he always got plastic even when he asked for paper, anyway--and turned to the cashier, a pretty middle-aged woman with a nice smile. She worked swiftly through the items Duo had piled on the belt, which Duo was truly seeing for the first time. He'd been so out of it, he didn't even know what he was buying! He scanned the items she had yet to check and blushed furiously. Midol? Summer's Eve? He'd even, somehow, picked up a home enema kit. A two-pack, on second glance. The woman must think him a real whack-job. She told him his total and he handed over the money without meeting her eyes. He just wanted to get the hell out of there, now. The pimply-faced boy leered at him when he took his bags, and Duo left the store, head down, as fast as he could. After that, he was looking forward to a nice, long conversation with Heero, with the other boy's unnervingly direct gaze on him the entire time.
He drove home quickly, and burst through the door, calling in his best Ricky Ricardo, "Honey! I'm home!" He grinned as he deposited the bags in the kitchen and headed for the stairs. Let Trowa and Quatre wonder.
*************
Duo kept Heero company through the rest of the day, and slept in the armchair that night, "Just in case you need anything." When Heero awoke in the morning, the chair was vacant and his covers were pulled neatly up to his chin. Before he even had time to wonder at Duo's absence, though, the American came bouncing through the door carrying a tray with toast, fruit, juice, and coffee on it. "Good morning! Broughtcha some breakfast."
Heero sat up and leaned back against the headboard when Duo set the tray over his lap and fussed briefly with the arrangement of plates on the tray. Heero scowled at his bent head. "I'm not an invalid, Duo. I could've gotten my own breakfast."
Duo grinned up at him, "Get up on the wrong side of the bed, Hee-chan?" and continued to arrange Heero's breakfast things. When Heero growled inarticulately at him Duo merely laughed and reached to fluff his pillows.
Heero didn't understand Duo. He knew that the American, inexplicably, liked him and claimed him as a friend. But why was he so... _nice_? And to Heero, especially? Heero knew he wasn't particularly endearing--he was a soldier fighting in a war; he wasn't out to make friends. He wasn't certain he'd be able to make friends even if there wasn't a war, but that was beside the point. Duo, however, and that Relena girl, seemed... _attached_ to him somehow. Why?
He munched his toast thoughtfully and watched Duo putter about the room. The other boy was distracted--good.
"Why are you doing this?"
Duo froze in his tidying of the bedside table. "What do you--oh, shit." As he turned to face Heero he bumped a glass of water, which tipped over, spilling its contents across the table and soaking the litter of calamine-covered cotton balls. Duo snatched Heero's napkins and began mopping up, avoiding Heero's thoughtful gaze.
Heero waited patiently for Duo to finish. He had startled the boy--ordinarily, Duo was almost preternaturally aware of his surroundings. Heero knew he could navigate an unfamiliar room in the pitch dark without tripping over or bumping into anything. He would never have knocked that glass over under ordinary circumstances. There was definitely something up.
Duo gathered the sodden mass of napkins and cotton balls together and shot Heero a brief, uncomfortable look, "I'm just gonna, um, get rid of this," and darted out of the room.
When he returned a few minutes later he was smiling, but the cheerfulness sat uneasily on him, and looked false. He watched Heero a little warily from the door. "Leave it to me to make a big mess, ne, Heero?" He laughed, but it sounded hollow.
Duo was still uncomfortable, and Heero thought he might have an idea why, now. The way Duo hung around him, showed up wherever he was, insisted on interacting with him, no matter how callous or cold Heero was--it reminded him a little of that Peacecraft girl.
He thought he knew what Relena wanted from him--could it be possible _Duo_ wanted the same thing? If that were the case, Heero would have to say something. He couldn't allow Duo to think there was anything between them, or could ever be. He had to grudgingly admit, now, that he liked Duo's presence. If they had been normal people, he might've called Duo a friend. But that would be all, even if their situation was remotely ordinary. He steeled his resolve and took a deep breath. "Duo, I... if you..." he stumbled over the words and ground to a halt. There was no easy way to do this. "I'm not attracted to you."
There was a flash of surprised hurt in Duo's eyes, but he covered it quickly. "Yeah. I--I know." Both boys were silent for several minutes, then Duo asked, in a slightly bitter voice, "Am I that obvious?"
Heero shook his head. "No. It's just... you remind me a little of that Relena girl. I just didn't notice it until today." Heero scowled at his hands, which were fisted in the covers in his lap. "I'm sorry. It's not you. It's just, I'm--"
Duo tugged on his blanket and Heero relaxed his hands, allowing the other boy to smooth the covers. Duo wouldn't meet his eyes. "It's okay. I know you're not... like that. And yeah, I'm attracted to you, but I'm not gonna throw myself at you, or anything. We can just be friends."
Heero stared at him. "You knew?"
Duo finally moved back and raised his eyes, his lips stretching in a faint grin. "Sure!" He tapped his own forehead. "Gaydar! It never fails."
Heero blinked, mystified. Gaydar?
Duo saw his confusion and clarified, "I could just tell. I'm usually pretty good at that. I think I knew Q and Tro were an item even before _they_ did." He shrugged dismissively. "Anyway, you've got nothing to worry about. Your ass is safe from me," he joked halfheartedly.
Heero frowned. Was that a note of regret in Duo's voice? "I'm sorry I can't--"
"Heero." Duo cut him off. "I said don't worry about it. As long as we're friends, everything's cool." He smiled, a crooked grin unlike his usual million-watt smile, and quietly left the room.
He didn't return for several hours, and Heero could do nothing but wait for him. It wasn't that he couldn't get out of bed and find Duo--he felt fine, aside from the itching, and was certainly well enough to track Duo to wherever he was hiding. But when he found the braided boy, what would he say to him? He was at a loss in this situation. He knew he'd hurt Duo, unintentional and unavoidable though the hurt may have been. He wanted to _fix_ it, but he simply didn't know how. This was the first serious hurdle they'd faced in their unusual, but intense, relationship. Heero couldn't see a way around it, but he trusted Duo would find a way. He'd said they could still be friends--Heero found himself suddenly desiring that very much. Faced with the prospect of losing Duo's companionship, he admitted how much it meant to him. This was more than a mere partnership. It was almost like family.
**************
Duo left Heero's room as quickly as he could manage without looking like he was running away. His heart clenched in his chest and his eyes burned. There was a lump in his throat the size of the moon; it felt like it would choke him. Duo ran from the house to the hangar where their gundams were kept, viciously suppressing his tears. He refused to let them fall. Boys didn't cry. Heero's words rang in his mind--"I'm not attracted to you,"--his flat voice lending them an air of terrible finality. He knew--he told himself he'd known all along, but that didn't make this any easier. He shimmied up his gundam with practiced ease and threw himself into the cockpit. It powered up automatically, the tiny screens giving him views of the hangar from before and aft, above and below. He shut them all off, cutting himself off completely from the outside world. As if that would help. A low, keening cry rose in his throat and he cut it off abruptly. If only he could cry, just let the tears come. He sat back in the seat, pulling his legs to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, then resting his head on his knees. He needed to get himself together before he could go back. He'd told Heero they could still be friends--he *needed* to be Heero's friend. He couldn't let him go completely. Heero had seemed faintly relieved when he'd said that. He was glad of that, at least. It seemed he hadn't scared Heero off completely. He berated himself for his foolishness. Whatever made him think he could have love? What made him think he could love someone and have it returned without any complications like death or sexual preference getting in the way? Wasn't it just so... _him_? He rocked slightly in his seat in an unconscious effort to comfort himself. Wasn't he the one who always screwed up, always got caught, couldn't even blow himself up without failing? What made him think this might work out?
He'd screwed up again. He would have to go back eventually, try to salvage what he could of his and Heero's relationship. He laughed mirthlessly at that. That was what he did, wasn't it? Salvage things. Nothing new and shiny for Duo, oh no--he only ever got the leftovers, what other people had abandoned or given up on. He wondered if there was anything left to be saved. Heero had seemed genuinely sorry that eh couldn't return Duo's feelings. That gave him some hope. And he'd seemed a little relieved at Duo's promise that they could still be friends. That gave him a little more hope.
But still... he doubted his own ability to follow through on that promise. Could he set his feelings aside _forever_ and content himself with mere friendship from Heero?
He'd have to, he decided. He couldn't just leave Heero. He needed his friendship, needed to be able to talk to him about everything and nothing, needed even to hear that nasal voice say, "Baka," with humor in it that was just for him. Heero would never love him, but there was _something_ between them, and he didn't want to give it up. No matter how much it hurt to be with Heero, no matter how it would kill him to see him go off with Relena. He was sure it would happen eventually.
***************
When Duo finally stepped into his room again he heaved a silent sigh of relief. He studied Duo as the boy stood in the doorway. He looked weary, and there were faint dark smudges under his eyes, but he'd come back. The other boy crossed the room slowly to settle gingerly on the edge of Heero's bed. "Hey, Heero," he said tiredly. "'Sup?"
Heero smiled slightly, only a brief lightening of his expression, as he responded to the familiar greeting. "The ceiling."
This brought a faint smile to Duo's face, but it faded quickly. Heero frowned, concerned. "Duo. Daijoubu?"
Duo nodded and responded, "Aa. I'm just, y'know, havin' a bad day."
"Gomen, Duo. Gomen nasai." He didn't know how he'd ever make this up to Duo.
Duo just shook his head. "Don't apologize. I knew all along, but as long as you didn't actually _say_ it, I could still pretend maybe I had a chance. It kinda sucks to find out you lost before you even started playing the game." He was silent for a long time, and when he spoke up again his voice was hesitant. "Do you... do you like that Relena girl?"
Heero stared at him in astonishment. He thought Duo wanted--why was he asking _that_?
Duo leaned over and poked him, asking, "Well? Do you?"
Heero contemplated the question. He thought he might. He didn't know her well, but there was just something about her. He acknowledged that Relena was pretty. The way she looked at him unnerved him, though. Those big cornflower blue eyes, following his every move (rather like a certain pair of big cobalt blue eyes, a tiny portion of his brain noted). It was like she saw something in him. But _what_? He glanced up to find Duo watching him intently. Apparently Duo saw the same thing.
"I--I don't know. She's attractive... but... she makes me feel strange."
Duo tilted his head and continued to regard him. "Is it a good strange?"
Heero's brow puckered. When Relena looked at him--it was unnerving, yes, but... not _bad_, exactly. He thought he might be able to get used to being looked at like that. It looked like... like she _believed_ in him. He nodded his head slowly in response to Duo's question.
Duo's expression shuttered briefly, then opened up again. "I kinda thought so." He sounded a bit more resigned than he had earlier. "Listen... do you want some help?"
Heero stared at him. Help... with what?
Duo sighed and ran a hand through his bangs. He muttered under his breath, "God, you're so clueless sometimes," then continued more loudly, "Do you want someone to hook you two up? Do you want us to set you up on a date?"
Heero answered flatly, "No."
Duo sighed again, exasperated. "Why not? You like her, right? So don't you wanna see her?"
Heero shook his head. "Not now. Not during this war. I can't afford distractions."
Duo grabbed Heero's shoulders and shook him gently. "There may not be any other time, baka. You could _die_. Hell, _she_ could die, the way she keeps wandering around, risking her life for her total pacifism thing. This could be your only chance!"
Heero looked pained suddenly. He pulled Duo's hands away from his shoulders and spoke quietly. "I know. But ending this war is more important than any of that. Relena will survive. I'll protect her. She's too important to let die. But I'm not. I have to remember that. If I start thinking there may be something for me, after all this is over, I won't be able to do what's necessary to insure the end of the fighting."
Duo's hands were clenched into fists in his lap. "'What's necessary,' Heero?" he said tightly.
Heero met his angry gaze evenly. "We have to be prepared to die at any moment. You know that, Duo."
The American looked down, his fists clenching so tight his knuckles were white. Suddenly, he exploded, jumping from the bed and staring furiously down at Heero. "Bullshit! That's bullshit and you know it, Heero! You and I, and maybe even Wufei, may not have much to look forward to after all this is over, but what about Trowa and Quatre? They've got family, people who care about them--they've got places to go after this!"
Heero answered calmly, "And that's why you and I and Wufei are better soldiers than Trowa and Quatre."
Duo shook his head. "No. _No_. I refuse to believe that. Trowa and Quatre are _damn_ good soldiers, and you know it. Just because they have people who care about them doesn't mean they're not willing to do whatever's necessary. Hell, they might be _more_ willing than us! They're not just fighting for some intangible ideal. They've got people, _homes_, to protect! They're fighting for something concrete, something _real_!"
Heero sighed. They'd had this argument, in various forms, many times, but Duo had never been quite so vehement before. Heero looked at him, perplexed. "Duo, why are you doing this? Why is this so important to you?"
Duo sat back down and stared at his tightly clasped hands in his lap. "Why am I doing this?" he repeated softly. "Why am I trying to get you and Relena together when... when...." He swallowed. "I just want you to be happy. Relena's a nice girl--she might be able to help you. I'm not good at all this, y'know, interpersonal shit. In my own ways, I'm as screwed up as you are. She'd probably be good for you. So that's why I'm doing this. Why is it so important to me?" He met Heero's eyes then, and Heero's breath caught at the tangle of powerful emotions he saw there. "You have a chance with Relena, and I don't wanna see you waste it." He didn't go on to say Heero had a chance that he didn't--a chance to love, and be loved. He didn't have to. Heero understood.
Heero stared at him, looking stricken. "I'm sorry, Duo. I just _can't_. I'm sorry."
Duo held his eyes a moment longer, then sighed and looked away. He ran a hand through his bangs in a familiar gesture of frustration. Still staring at a spot just to Heero's left he said, "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry I'm so pushy. You know me--can't leave well enough alone."
Duo looked depressed. Heero knew he hadn't done enough--Duo was still hurting. He may never be able to do enough, he reflected. It might even have been selfish of him, to want Duo to remain his friend given the other boy's feelings for him. He just couldn't help it. Duo was the only person he could comfortably call friend.
Tentatively, he reached out and wrapped his arms around Duo. This might be bordering on cruel, but it was all he could think to do. It always worked when Duo did it for Quatre--he could only hope it would work now, too.
Duo stiffened in his arms and sucked in a quiet breath, then slowly relaxed and wound his arms around Heero's shoulders, resting his face in the crook of Heero's neck. After several seconds he pulled back and took a deep breath. When he met Heero's eyes again he looked a little better. It may not have been the kindest thing he could've done, but apparently it was effective. Heero felt the coil of tension sitting in his gut relax slightly. Duo sat back and eyed Heero.
"I bet you're tired of sitting in that bed. Why don't we go out for dinner? I found this sushi place--you can give everyone there the chicken pox."
Heero relaxed a little more. Duo had sounded nearly like himself just then. Maybe this would work--maybe he and Duo could be friends, despite everything. "Aa. That sounds good."
Duo smiled and bounced to his feet. "Great! I'll get Q-man and Trowa!" And with that he vanished.
Heero thought he knew what Duo was up to. The last several hours had been fairly intense. Duo probably needed a little time out, and was probably using Quatre and Trowa, and the restaurant with all its patrons, as a buffer between himself and Heero. But he didn't seem to be pulling away altogether. He wasn't running, or hiding, and Heero knew if Duo really wanted to get away he could. He could leave, and cover his tracks so well that no one, not even Heero, would be able to find him until he was ready to be found. Heero acknowledged to himself that he had been half afraid Duo would do just that. He still wasn't entirely reassured.
Heero got dressed and went downstairs. Duo was in fine form, chattering and grinning maniacally while Quatre and Trowa looked on in bemusement.
He saw Heero standing in the doorway and paused, his smile shifting to something less manic, something more genuine. It only lasted a second, but it was enough to reassure Heero. He was certain their discussion was not over, and the subject of Relena would come up again, but their friendship would survive.
Duo bounded across the room and slung an arm around Heero's shoulders. "C'mon Hee-chan! Let's go see how many people we can infect with you!"
Heero snorted at him. "Baka."
Duo grinned easily and replied, "Yeah, but you wouldn't have me any other way."
Heero surprised them all when he answered, "No. No I wouldn't," voicing his complete acceptance of Duo. Duo's eyes widened and his grin faltered before he recovered himself and turned a warm smile and glowing eyes on everyone. "Well, let's go!"
owari
Author's notes: *shudder* Yes, they do sell home enema kits. And yes, they do come in two-packs. And no, you don't ever want to see one. They're... icky. _
Title: Tomodachigai
Pairings: 1+R, 2+1, 3+4/4+3 lingering somewhere in the background
Rating: PG-13 for language
Notes: Well, this started out as a humor fic. Really, it did. Heero gets the chicken pox--ha ha, how funny. It didn't wind up being all that funny, but it's still kinda sweet. Heero's chicken pox experience is based on my own rather dim recollections of what chicken pox is like rather than any clinical stuff. Re: the title--I played with a nice online English-Japanese dictionary, so if it's wrong, I plead complete ignorance. Some days, I can barely manage English--Japanese is far, far beyond me. Anyway, the nice dictionary said "Tomodachigai" means "True Friendship." It's just less lame in another language, hence the translation.
Warnings: OH MY GOD!! WHIMSY WROTE A 1+R!!! THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH!!! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!! Er... right. Yes, this is 1+R. It's also 2+1 and 3+4/4+3, since I can't not write shounen ai in some form or another. So if either of those things (Relena or shounen ai) bugs you, don't read. *pauses* I may have just eliminated my entire audience... Um. Anyway, OOCness. Sticklers beware.
Disclaimers: If I were Hajime Yatate, or any of the others involved with the creation of Gundam, and could therefore lay claim to it in any form, I wouldn't be sitting here writing fanfics on a six year old word processor. 'Kay?
Tomodachigai
The mission had gone off without a hitch--Duo and Heero had handled the destruction of the OZ base while Trowa and Quatre concentrated on retrieving and then destroying all the mobile suit research the facility had housed. The four boys rendezvoused by their stolen vehicle and watched as the place went up in flames. After a few minutes Heero commented succinctly, "Hn," and turned away. The others followed, Duo climbing into the back of the truck with Heero while Trowa took the driver's seat and Quatre settled in the passenger seat. As they started off, they could hear the wailing sirens of the approaching emergency vehicles. They would be far too late to salvage anything from this base.
Duo slouched comfortably in the rear of the appropriated laundry truck. He leaned against the wall, well satisfied with their performance on this mission. The base was completely destroyed, and there hadn't been a single civilian casualty. He would've preferred it if there hadn't been any casualties at all, but that was probably too much to ask in the middle of a war. Further contemplation was cut off as he was distracted by Heero squirming next to him. He glanced at the other boy out of the corner of his eye. What was his problem? Heero shifted again and Duo looked at him curiously. "Heero? Is something wrong?"
The Japanese boy straightened, staring straight ahead, and shook his head once. "No."
Duo frowned, studying his partner. There was something off about the boy, but Duo couldn't quite put his finger on it. He seemed almost... fidgety. Of course, being Heero, he wasn't actually fidgeting, but Duo had the distinct impression that he _wanted_ to. His posture was just too straight, his hands too carefully still in his lap. Just as Duo was about to give up he noticed something... there. On Heero's shoulder. He leaned closer to look and Heero drew back, glaring at him. Unmindful of the certain death headed his way, Duo reached up and poked the small red spot on Heero's shoulder. Heero growled and batted his hand away, turning to glare fully at the American boy. Still heedless, Duo grabbed Heero's hand, turning his arm over to reveal more small red marks dotting the underside of his arm. Heero tried to tug his hand away, only to find it caught in Duo's surprisingly strong grip. "Duo..." Heero warned, "let go of my hand."
Duo looked up from Heero's arm, concern written faintly on his features. "Heero, what the hell did you do to yourself?" He could see more small red spots on Heero's chest and neck, now that he knew what he was looking for. "What are all these marks?"
Heero growled and yanked his arm from Duo's grasp, turning to stare ahead again. "They're nothing. Drop it."
Duo poked the mark on Heero's shoulder again. "C'mon, Heero. Gimme a break. They're noth--"
Heero made an inarticulate noise of frustration and pushed Duo's hand away, then attacked the spot with his fingernails, scratching furiously.
Duo blinked at him. "Heero?" he asked intelligently.
Heero halted his scratching, looking almost sheepish as he said, "I don't know what they are. They... they _itch_."
Duo paused, staring, then burst into laughter, cackling and clutching his sides.
Heero glowered, feeling unaccountably defensive. He managed to keep the defensiveness out of his voice, though, sounding merely irritated when he asked, "What are you laughing at?"
Duo seemed to be regaining control when he met Heero's angry, confused gaze and collapsed into laughter once more.
Heero scowled and faced forward again, pointedly ignoring Duo. He didn't know what was wrong with him, and Duo was being no help.
Several minutes later, Duo had calmed down enough to speak. He even managed to keep the laughter out of his voice, although he couldn't suppress the amusement shining in his eyes. He faced Heero, studying his angry profile. "Chicken pox."
Heero turned and blinked at him, a blank expression on his face. "Nani?"
Duo struggled not to grin. "You. Have. Chicken pox."
Heero glared at him, half suspecting this was just some joke. "What are 'chicken pox'?"
Duo's grin finally struggled free. "A kids' disease!"
A childhood ailment? _Him_? Heero stared at Duo, obviously waiting for more information. Duo was happy to oblige.
"See, a few weeks after I got to Maxwell Church we got hit--all of us kids got the chicken pox. There were, like, thirty of us, all confined to bed and covered with itchy spots... it was actually kinda fun. We ran Sister Helen ragged." He smiled wistfully, his eyes cloudy with memory. Heero watched him silently, his own discomfort forgotten. This was the most he'd ever heard Duo speak about his past.
Duo shook himself slightly. "Anyway, most people get chicken pox when they're little." He snorted in amusement. "The Perfect Soldier has chicken pox!"
Heero glared at him. "What can I do about it?"
Duo shrugged. "Nothin'! It's caused by a virus--you'll just have to wait it out, like everybody else." He sounded thoughtful as he continued, "I wonder if Q-man has any calamine lotion..."
When they arrived back at the safehouse, Duo bounded out of the back of the truck and announced, "Guess what, guys! Heero has chicken pox!"
Quatre immediately rushed to Heero's side, all sympathy and commiseration. Trowa merely raised an eyebrow as if to say, "You? _Chicken pox_?"
Heero growled at all of them and just barely restrained himself from stomping into the safehouse.
**********
Several hours later found Heero sitting propped up by pillows in bed while Quatre fluttered around him and Duo dotted watery pink stuff on his naked torso.
Quatre's voice was a static of background noise: "Can I get you some juice? Water? Tea? Do you need another pillow? Blanket? Heero? Do you feel all right? Do you want something to eat? Can I get you anything at all..." while Duo, surprisingly, offered more helpful information. "The calamine should take care of the itching, but whatever you do don't scratch! You'll just spread the virus over _more_ of you body. Everything should clear up in about a week, and after that you'll be immune. I can't believe you've never had chicken pox..."
However, Heero still had the impression that Duo was laughing at him. "I was never sick as a child. That would've interfered with my training."
Duo just gave him a look. "Riiiiight." He reached the waistband of Heero's shorts and paused awkwardly. "Um... you might wanna do this part yourself." Duo sat back, cheeks slightly pink, and handed the calamine to Heero. "We'll just, uh, be back in a few minutes." With that he herded Quatre out of the room, leaving Heero alone. Heero stared after him, wondering about the blush, then dismissed it and turned his attention to applying calamine lotion to his lower parts. Several minutes later Duo reappeared, sans Quatre, and settled in the comfortable armchair he'd brought to Heero's bedroom from his own, looking like he intended to stay a while. Heero looked at him curiously, but Duo didn't explain his presence; instead he launched into one of his "Having a Conversation With Heero" monologues. Heero sighed in resignation and sat back, listening with half an ear to the relentless patter of Duo's voice.
*********
Duo felt his cheeks burn as he ushered Quatre out the door and down the stairs. Damn him and his teenage hormones. He couldn't help picturing it in his mind, though--what it would be like to run his hands over that scarred, golden flesh, to be allowed to touch, for real, the sleekly muscled limbs and tangle his fingers in the tousled dark hair, push it away from Heero's eyes so he could watch the other boy go mad with passion...
He cut his thoughts off abruptly, again. It was too easy to get caught up in those fantasies. Thankfully, Quatre was too concerned and Heero too dense to catch on to his discomfort. At least, he hoped Heero was too dense. The Japanese boy had no experience as far as Duo knew. Of course, he wasn't an innocent--Heero probably knew more about sex than *he* did, even. But knowledge and experience were entirely different things.
After depositing Quatre in Trowa's lap with many assurances that Duo could look after Heero's needs on his own, Duo returned to Heero's bedroom. He stood in the doorway for a second, just watching as Heero scowled at the calamine lotion on his chest. Suppressing a fond grin, Duo entered the room and crossed, as casually as he could with Heero's eyes drilling holes in his back, to the armchair he'd brought in earlier. He slouched comfortably in the chair, ignoring Heero's questioning look--how could he explain his presence without getting his ass kicked?--and started babbling. Maybe, if he did all the talking, he could avoid the question in Heero's eyes a little longer.
***************
Heero shifted uncomfortably in bed. Duo had gone to run some errands, and Heero was alone at last. And suppressing the urge to squirm. He resolved not to mention this to Duo. The other boy was getting far too much enjoyment out of his illness as it was--he didn't need to know Heero was going nearly insane with the urge to itch. He studied his pink-spotted torso--this 'calamine lotion' that Duo claimed would help with the itching didn't seem to be doing a damned thing. However, Duo was right--if he scratched he risked spreading the infection. So he was reduced to sitting carefully immobile so the brush of the sheets against his skin wouldn't exacerbate the problem.
He shifted again. There was one particularly maddening 'pock' on the bottom of his left foot... it would be so easy to scratch it, just a little, with his right big toe.... Iie! He kicked his left leg out from under the covers, resting it on top of them in a vain attempt to ease the temptation of his right foot so very close to the unbearably itchy sole of his other foot.
He caught his right hand creeping up his left arm, reaching unconsciously for that first red mark that had caught Duo's attention and drew it forcefully away, fisting both his hands in the sheets in an effort to keep them still. His skin was crawling--even the feather-light whisper of the pillowcase on the back of his neck was driving him mad. He supposed he should be glad, at least, that Trowa had found a way to occupy Quatre while Duo was gone. He understood Quatre was concerned, and it was in his nature to want to help, but the little blonde's solicitousness was wearing on him. If he had offered to fluff Heero's pillows one more time, the Japanese boy was sure he would have strangled him on the spot. A very angry Trowa was really the last thing he needed right now.
He rubbed absently at a spot on his leg through the blanket and wondered when Duo would return. He thought he would be glad to have a few minutes alone, without Duo's constant presence, but the American was unexpectedly soothing. It must have been the talking. Duo's constant stream of seemingly aimless chatter kept him distracted from the horrible _itching_. He noticed what his hand was up to and stopped rubbing, only to have that spot erupt in fierce itchiness--it was even worse than before! Heero glared at the undoubtedly small, round, red spot on his leg beneath the blanket, as if the heat of his glare could burn these 'chicken pox' out of existence.
As he glared, he caught himself wondering again when Duo would return. He held back a sigh, but rolled his eyes at himself in exasperation. Impossibly, he missed Duo. He was surprised at the boy's patience--he had answered all of Heero's questions about his illness as well as he could, and when his own meager knowledge had failed to satisfy the Japanese boy, he had willingly fetched his own laptop to conduct an internet search for further information. He had waited on Heero hand and foot, although Heero hadn't asked for much. And in the meantime he had talked to Heero, drawing the other boy out of his shell to the extent that they had some real _conversations_, with Heero making contributions of his own rather than just listening. He had been surprised, as well, at the American's far-ranging and surprisingly complete knowledge. He had questioned Heero intelligently on points of Japanese history and culture, comparing it with what he knew of other cultures. Heero had been startled at the accuracy of Duo's analysis. He hadn't thought the noisy American could possibly understand him--or his culture--so well; apparently, he had underestimated the boy. He resolved to keep a closer eye on his partner in the future--he was curious to know what else was hidden behind the joker's mask.
He heard the front door slam and Duo's cheerful tenor ring up the stairs: "Honey, I'm hooooome!" Apparently, pondering his partner's unexpectedly eclectic nature had kept Heero sufficiently diverted--the itchiness had quieted to a dull murmur in his mind. And now Duo was here. Duo would make it easier.
*************
Duo wandered the aisles of the grocery store aimlessly. They didn't really need anything--he just couldn't spend another minute in Heero's presence without jumping the other boy and kissing him wildly, or just confessing everything he felt for the often stoic boy. They'd talked for hours... it was wonderful. Every time Heero's dark eyes had sparked with interest, or he'd lost himself in a particular anecdote, every moment Duo felt his steady gaze on him, listening intently or assessing and reassessing his idiot partner, had been both torture and paradise. He'd finally caught Heero's attention, and he'd had to run away because he couldn't handle it.
Heero was his best friend. The other boy may not have realized it, but Duo felt closer to him than to any of the other pilots. He snorted at himself--if he'd been smart, he'd've latched onto Quatre and been *his* best friend. It would've been so much easier with someone of a similarly open and trusting nature, but he was, after all, Duo Maxwell. He never did things the easy way, and he loved a challenge. Heero Yuy was nothing if not a challenge. He thought Heero might even feel something for him in return. But these feelings, and his own inability to control them was jeopardizing their precariously balanced relationship. If he lost Heero's friendship, he didn't know what the hell he'd do.
Grabbing several items at random, Duo made his way through the store, thoroughly distracted by his thoughts. He was roused at the checkout lane by a nasal, cracking voice calling out , "Paper or Plastic, sir?" He looked up to find a gawky, pimply faced boy waving a plastic bag at him. He nodded absently without answering the question--he always got plastic even when he asked for paper, anyway--and turned to the cashier, a pretty middle-aged woman with a nice smile. She worked swiftly through the items Duo had piled on the belt, which Duo was truly seeing for the first time. He'd been so out of it, he didn't even know what he was buying! He scanned the items she had yet to check and blushed furiously. Midol? Summer's Eve? He'd even, somehow, picked up a home enema kit. A two-pack, on second glance. The woman must think him a real whack-job. She told him his total and he handed over the money without meeting her eyes. He just wanted to get the hell out of there, now. The pimply-faced boy leered at him when he took his bags, and Duo left the store, head down, as fast as he could. After that, he was looking forward to a nice, long conversation with Heero, with the other boy's unnervingly direct gaze on him the entire time.
He drove home quickly, and burst through the door, calling in his best Ricky Ricardo, "Honey! I'm home!" He grinned as he deposited the bags in the kitchen and headed for the stairs. Let Trowa and Quatre wonder.
*************
Duo kept Heero company through the rest of the day, and slept in the armchair that night, "Just in case you need anything." When Heero awoke in the morning, the chair was vacant and his covers were pulled neatly up to his chin. Before he even had time to wonder at Duo's absence, though, the American came bouncing through the door carrying a tray with toast, fruit, juice, and coffee on it. "Good morning! Broughtcha some breakfast."
Heero sat up and leaned back against the headboard when Duo set the tray over his lap and fussed briefly with the arrangement of plates on the tray. Heero scowled at his bent head. "I'm not an invalid, Duo. I could've gotten my own breakfast."
Duo grinned up at him, "Get up on the wrong side of the bed, Hee-chan?" and continued to arrange Heero's breakfast things. When Heero growled inarticulately at him Duo merely laughed and reached to fluff his pillows.
Heero didn't understand Duo. He knew that the American, inexplicably, liked him and claimed him as a friend. But why was he so... _nice_? And to Heero, especially? Heero knew he wasn't particularly endearing--he was a soldier fighting in a war; he wasn't out to make friends. He wasn't certain he'd be able to make friends even if there wasn't a war, but that was beside the point. Duo, however, and that Relena girl, seemed... _attached_ to him somehow. Why?
He munched his toast thoughtfully and watched Duo putter about the room. The other boy was distracted--good.
"Why are you doing this?"
Duo froze in his tidying of the bedside table. "What do you--oh, shit." As he turned to face Heero he bumped a glass of water, which tipped over, spilling its contents across the table and soaking the litter of calamine-covered cotton balls. Duo snatched Heero's napkins and began mopping up, avoiding Heero's thoughtful gaze.
Heero waited patiently for Duo to finish. He had startled the boy--ordinarily, Duo was almost preternaturally aware of his surroundings. Heero knew he could navigate an unfamiliar room in the pitch dark without tripping over or bumping into anything. He would never have knocked that glass over under ordinary circumstances. There was definitely something up.
Duo gathered the sodden mass of napkins and cotton balls together and shot Heero a brief, uncomfortable look, "I'm just gonna, um, get rid of this," and darted out of the room.
When he returned a few minutes later he was smiling, but the cheerfulness sat uneasily on him, and looked false. He watched Heero a little warily from the door. "Leave it to me to make a big mess, ne, Heero?" He laughed, but it sounded hollow.
Duo was still uncomfortable, and Heero thought he might have an idea why, now. The way Duo hung around him, showed up wherever he was, insisted on interacting with him, no matter how callous or cold Heero was--it reminded him a little of that Peacecraft girl.
He thought he knew what Relena wanted from him--could it be possible _Duo_ wanted the same thing? If that were the case, Heero would have to say something. He couldn't allow Duo to think there was anything between them, or could ever be. He had to grudgingly admit, now, that he liked Duo's presence. If they had been normal people, he might've called Duo a friend. But that would be all, even if their situation was remotely ordinary. He steeled his resolve and took a deep breath. "Duo, I... if you..." he stumbled over the words and ground to a halt. There was no easy way to do this. "I'm not attracted to you."
There was a flash of surprised hurt in Duo's eyes, but he covered it quickly. "Yeah. I--I know." Both boys were silent for several minutes, then Duo asked, in a slightly bitter voice, "Am I that obvious?"
Heero shook his head. "No. It's just... you remind me a little of that Relena girl. I just didn't notice it until today." Heero scowled at his hands, which were fisted in the covers in his lap. "I'm sorry. It's not you. It's just, I'm--"
Duo tugged on his blanket and Heero relaxed his hands, allowing the other boy to smooth the covers. Duo wouldn't meet his eyes. "It's okay. I know you're not... like that. And yeah, I'm attracted to you, but I'm not gonna throw myself at you, or anything. We can just be friends."
Heero stared at him. "You knew?"
Duo finally moved back and raised his eyes, his lips stretching in a faint grin. "Sure!" He tapped his own forehead. "Gaydar! It never fails."
Heero blinked, mystified. Gaydar?
Duo saw his confusion and clarified, "I could just tell. I'm usually pretty good at that. I think I knew Q and Tro were an item even before _they_ did." He shrugged dismissively. "Anyway, you've got nothing to worry about. Your ass is safe from me," he joked halfheartedly.
Heero frowned. Was that a note of regret in Duo's voice? "I'm sorry I can't--"
"Heero." Duo cut him off. "I said don't worry about it. As long as we're friends, everything's cool." He smiled, a crooked grin unlike his usual million-watt smile, and quietly left the room.
He didn't return for several hours, and Heero could do nothing but wait for him. It wasn't that he couldn't get out of bed and find Duo--he felt fine, aside from the itching, and was certainly well enough to track Duo to wherever he was hiding. But when he found the braided boy, what would he say to him? He was at a loss in this situation. He knew he'd hurt Duo, unintentional and unavoidable though the hurt may have been. He wanted to _fix_ it, but he simply didn't know how. This was the first serious hurdle they'd faced in their unusual, but intense, relationship. Heero couldn't see a way around it, but he trusted Duo would find a way. He'd said they could still be friends--Heero found himself suddenly desiring that very much. Faced with the prospect of losing Duo's companionship, he admitted how much it meant to him. This was more than a mere partnership. It was almost like family.
**************
Duo left Heero's room as quickly as he could manage without looking like he was running away. His heart clenched in his chest and his eyes burned. There was a lump in his throat the size of the moon; it felt like it would choke him. Duo ran from the house to the hangar where their gundams were kept, viciously suppressing his tears. He refused to let them fall. Boys didn't cry. Heero's words rang in his mind--"I'm not attracted to you,"--his flat voice lending them an air of terrible finality. He knew--he told himself he'd known all along, but that didn't make this any easier. He shimmied up his gundam with practiced ease and threw himself into the cockpit. It powered up automatically, the tiny screens giving him views of the hangar from before and aft, above and below. He shut them all off, cutting himself off completely from the outside world. As if that would help. A low, keening cry rose in his throat and he cut it off abruptly. If only he could cry, just let the tears come. He sat back in the seat, pulling his legs to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, then resting his head on his knees. He needed to get himself together before he could go back. He'd told Heero they could still be friends--he *needed* to be Heero's friend. He couldn't let him go completely. Heero had seemed faintly relieved when he'd said that. He was glad of that, at least. It seemed he hadn't scared Heero off completely. He berated himself for his foolishness. Whatever made him think he could have love? What made him think he could love someone and have it returned without any complications like death or sexual preference getting in the way? Wasn't it just so... _him_? He rocked slightly in his seat in an unconscious effort to comfort himself. Wasn't he the one who always screwed up, always got caught, couldn't even blow himself up without failing? What made him think this might work out?
He'd screwed up again. He would have to go back eventually, try to salvage what he could of his and Heero's relationship. He laughed mirthlessly at that. That was what he did, wasn't it? Salvage things. Nothing new and shiny for Duo, oh no--he only ever got the leftovers, what other people had abandoned or given up on. He wondered if there was anything left to be saved. Heero had seemed genuinely sorry that eh couldn't return Duo's feelings. That gave him some hope. And he'd seemed a little relieved at Duo's promise that they could still be friends. That gave him a little more hope.
But still... he doubted his own ability to follow through on that promise. Could he set his feelings aside _forever_ and content himself with mere friendship from Heero?
He'd have to, he decided. He couldn't just leave Heero. He needed his friendship, needed to be able to talk to him about everything and nothing, needed even to hear that nasal voice say, "Baka," with humor in it that was just for him. Heero would never love him, but there was _something_ between them, and he didn't want to give it up. No matter how much it hurt to be with Heero, no matter how it would kill him to see him go off with Relena. He was sure it would happen eventually.
***************
When Duo finally stepped into his room again he heaved a silent sigh of relief. He studied Duo as the boy stood in the doorway. He looked weary, and there were faint dark smudges under his eyes, but he'd come back. The other boy crossed the room slowly to settle gingerly on the edge of Heero's bed. "Hey, Heero," he said tiredly. "'Sup?"
Heero smiled slightly, only a brief lightening of his expression, as he responded to the familiar greeting. "The ceiling."
This brought a faint smile to Duo's face, but it faded quickly. Heero frowned, concerned. "Duo. Daijoubu?"
Duo nodded and responded, "Aa. I'm just, y'know, havin' a bad day."
"Gomen, Duo. Gomen nasai." He didn't know how he'd ever make this up to Duo.
Duo just shook his head. "Don't apologize. I knew all along, but as long as you didn't actually _say_ it, I could still pretend maybe I had a chance. It kinda sucks to find out you lost before you even started playing the game." He was silent for a long time, and when he spoke up again his voice was hesitant. "Do you... do you like that Relena girl?"
Heero stared at him in astonishment. He thought Duo wanted--why was he asking _that_?
Duo leaned over and poked him, asking, "Well? Do you?"
Heero contemplated the question. He thought he might. He didn't know her well, but there was just something about her. He acknowledged that Relena was pretty. The way she looked at him unnerved him, though. Those big cornflower blue eyes, following his every move (rather like a certain pair of big cobalt blue eyes, a tiny portion of his brain noted). It was like she saw something in him. But _what_? He glanced up to find Duo watching him intently. Apparently Duo saw the same thing.
"I--I don't know. She's attractive... but... she makes me feel strange."
Duo tilted his head and continued to regard him. "Is it a good strange?"
Heero's brow puckered. When Relena looked at him--it was unnerving, yes, but... not _bad_, exactly. He thought he might be able to get used to being looked at like that. It looked like... like she _believed_ in him. He nodded his head slowly in response to Duo's question.
Duo's expression shuttered briefly, then opened up again. "I kinda thought so." He sounded a bit more resigned than he had earlier. "Listen... do you want some help?"
Heero stared at him. Help... with what?
Duo sighed and ran a hand through his bangs. He muttered under his breath, "God, you're so clueless sometimes," then continued more loudly, "Do you want someone to hook you two up? Do you want us to set you up on a date?"
Heero answered flatly, "No."
Duo sighed again, exasperated. "Why not? You like her, right? So don't you wanna see her?"
Heero shook his head. "Not now. Not during this war. I can't afford distractions."
Duo grabbed Heero's shoulders and shook him gently. "There may not be any other time, baka. You could _die_. Hell, _she_ could die, the way she keeps wandering around, risking her life for her total pacifism thing. This could be your only chance!"
Heero looked pained suddenly. He pulled Duo's hands away from his shoulders and spoke quietly. "I know. But ending this war is more important than any of that. Relena will survive. I'll protect her. She's too important to let die. But I'm not. I have to remember that. If I start thinking there may be something for me, after all this is over, I won't be able to do what's necessary to insure the end of the fighting."
Duo's hands were clenched into fists in his lap. "'What's necessary,' Heero?" he said tightly.
Heero met his angry gaze evenly. "We have to be prepared to die at any moment. You know that, Duo."
The American looked down, his fists clenching so tight his knuckles were white. Suddenly, he exploded, jumping from the bed and staring furiously down at Heero. "Bullshit! That's bullshit and you know it, Heero! You and I, and maybe even Wufei, may not have much to look forward to after all this is over, but what about Trowa and Quatre? They've got family, people who care about them--they've got places to go after this!"
Heero answered calmly, "And that's why you and I and Wufei are better soldiers than Trowa and Quatre."
Duo shook his head. "No. _No_. I refuse to believe that. Trowa and Quatre are _damn_ good soldiers, and you know it. Just because they have people who care about them doesn't mean they're not willing to do whatever's necessary. Hell, they might be _more_ willing than us! They're not just fighting for some intangible ideal. They've got people, _homes_, to protect! They're fighting for something concrete, something _real_!"
Heero sighed. They'd had this argument, in various forms, many times, but Duo had never been quite so vehement before. Heero looked at him, perplexed. "Duo, why are you doing this? Why is this so important to you?"
Duo sat back down and stared at his tightly clasped hands in his lap. "Why am I doing this?" he repeated softly. "Why am I trying to get you and Relena together when... when...." He swallowed. "I just want you to be happy. Relena's a nice girl--she might be able to help you. I'm not good at all this, y'know, interpersonal shit. In my own ways, I'm as screwed up as you are. She'd probably be good for you. So that's why I'm doing this. Why is it so important to me?" He met Heero's eyes then, and Heero's breath caught at the tangle of powerful emotions he saw there. "You have a chance with Relena, and I don't wanna see you waste it." He didn't go on to say Heero had a chance that he didn't--a chance to love, and be loved. He didn't have to. Heero understood.
Heero stared at him, looking stricken. "I'm sorry, Duo. I just _can't_. I'm sorry."
Duo held his eyes a moment longer, then sighed and looked away. He ran a hand through his bangs in a familiar gesture of frustration. Still staring at a spot just to Heero's left he said, "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry I'm so pushy. You know me--can't leave well enough alone."
Duo looked depressed. Heero knew he hadn't done enough--Duo was still hurting. He may never be able to do enough, he reflected. It might even have been selfish of him, to want Duo to remain his friend given the other boy's feelings for him. He just couldn't help it. Duo was the only person he could comfortably call friend.
Tentatively, he reached out and wrapped his arms around Duo. This might be bordering on cruel, but it was all he could think to do. It always worked when Duo did it for Quatre--he could only hope it would work now, too.
Duo stiffened in his arms and sucked in a quiet breath, then slowly relaxed and wound his arms around Heero's shoulders, resting his face in the crook of Heero's neck. After several seconds he pulled back and took a deep breath. When he met Heero's eyes again he looked a little better. It may not have been the kindest thing he could've done, but apparently it was effective. Heero felt the coil of tension sitting in his gut relax slightly. Duo sat back and eyed Heero.
"I bet you're tired of sitting in that bed. Why don't we go out for dinner? I found this sushi place--you can give everyone there the chicken pox."
Heero relaxed a little more. Duo had sounded nearly like himself just then. Maybe this would work--maybe he and Duo could be friends, despite everything. "Aa. That sounds good."
Duo smiled and bounced to his feet. "Great! I'll get Q-man and Trowa!" And with that he vanished.
Heero thought he knew what Duo was up to. The last several hours had been fairly intense. Duo probably needed a little time out, and was probably using Quatre and Trowa, and the restaurant with all its patrons, as a buffer between himself and Heero. But he didn't seem to be pulling away altogether. He wasn't running, or hiding, and Heero knew if Duo really wanted to get away he could. He could leave, and cover his tracks so well that no one, not even Heero, would be able to find him until he was ready to be found. Heero acknowledged to himself that he had been half afraid Duo would do just that. He still wasn't entirely reassured.
Heero got dressed and went downstairs. Duo was in fine form, chattering and grinning maniacally while Quatre and Trowa looked on in bemusement.
He saw Heero standing in the doorway and paused, his smile shifting to something less manic, something more genuine. It only lasted a second, but it was enough to reassure Heero. He was certain their discussion was not over, and the subject of Relena would come up again, but their friendship would survive.
Duo bounded across the room and slung an arm around Heero's shoulders. "C'mon Hee-chan! Let's go see how many people we can infect with you!"
Heero snorted at him. "Baka."
Duo grinned easily and replied, "Yeah, but you wouldn't have me any other way."
Heero surprised them all when he answered, "No. No I wouldn't," voicing his complete acceptance of Duo. Duo's eyes widened and his grin faltered before he recovered himself and turned a warm smile and glowing eyes on everyone. "Well, let's go!"
owari
Author's notes: *shudder* Yes, they do sell home enema kits. And yes, they do come in two-packs. And no, you don't ever want to see one. They're... icky. _