A/N: Something I wanted to try out. Probably 2-3 chapters.
That forehead kiss, she couldn't stand the thought of it. After she was finally able to get her mind working and feet moving she went back to her day as normally as she could. But she kept rubbing at her forehead in the exact spot he had pressed his lips. She is sure that at this point all the makeup that had been there in the morning has since disappeared.
Olivia is furious with Rafael. How dare he just say what he said, kiss her on the forehead and walk away. Bastard she thinks pulling her keys from her jacket pocket.
Liv has made the decision to hold onto her anger for now, no matter how unhealthy it may be. She isn't prepared to think about the feelings the anger is actually masking. Not with him gone. At the thought Olivia chokes on a sob. Rafael Barba is gone. He has said his goodbye and it apparently doesn't matter to him that she didn't say hers.
Making the decision to shower the moment Noah is asleep she will hold her tears in until then. The water can drown out the sound of them, along with the feeling of them slipping down her face.
Mumbling angrily to herself Liv tries to reign in her emotions as her heels click down the hallway to her front door. She is pulled up short as the soles of some well worn oxfords meet her eyes. Following the path from the bottom of the shoes to the face of the person occupying them she feels all her anger return full force.
"Get out of my sight." Olivia grits out between clenched teeth.
It seems as though the decision to be angry has very much settled in her and not even the sight of the source of her anger could quiet it.
Pushing hastily to his feet Rafael's mouth opens and closes time and again. Seeming to find his train of thought he pushes some syllables out to occupy the space between them, "Olivia," Well four syllables was better than nothing.
"If you want to move on so badly Rafael I need you to just do it already and get out of my life." She was cursing herself as the tears she planned to save for the privacy of her shower leak out now.
"Please Olivia, I made a mistake. Please," he sounds pathetic really.
"I love you," apparently her mouth has disconnected itself from her brain and instead connected to her heart because that's certainly not what she intended to say to him.
He seems confused by her too, "I love you too Olivia, that's the only thing I know right now. After I walked away from you on the street earlier I got as far as the end of the block until I couldn't bring myself to take one more step. By the time I worked up the courage to turn around you were gone."
Her mouth opens but Rafael shakes his head and steps toward her. Olivia steps back to maintain their distance. "It's not, I didn't, I didn't expect you to be waiting for me to figure out what a complete ass I was being.
"I hurt you, not the other way around. But I knew I couldn't step foot into your squad room, not anymore. So when you were gone I came here. I was outside the building pacing for about an hour before I let myself in. I couldn't bring myself to go into the apartment though, I didn't have that right anymore." Both Olivia and Rafael can't seem to catch their breath by the end of his speech.
She is still crying when it's over, "I don't know what you want me to say Rafa. You didn't even let me say goodbye. You said your piece and didn't give me a chance for mine. What's it going to matter what I say now? You're still leaving."
Rafael feels his eyes burn and his throat closing but he ignores his own discomfort to assure Olivia, "no Liv you don't understand. I can't move on from you, I have never been able to.
"I don't know why I thought I could now. I was breaking and thought I could save us both by walking away but I simply would have crumbled.
"Please believe me when I tell you how sorry I am. I never want you to hurt, for any period of time, long or short. Please." The strain in his final plea is too much and he can't bare to utter anything else but sobbing breaths. His crying, unlike Olivia's, breaks free from him like water from a dam. It is sudden, unrelenting, and powerful.
Liv feels panic take her for a moment. It's still relatively early, so she ushers him to her door with a hand on his back. Before she places the keys in the lock she takes Rafael's chin and her hand and begins to wipe away the tears as quickly as they fall.
"Rafa, I need you to breathe. Noah is still going to be awake. If you want to come in you're welcome to but I don't want Noah to worry." There is a tenderness in Olivia's gaze and her words, she isn't trying make him feel bad, just letting him know what he is going to be walking into.
Taking a shaky breath in Rafael does his best to control himself, he leans his face into one of the hands Olivia has on his face. Nuzzling it like a child would, then, bringing his own hand to hers Rafael links their fingers together and leaves them against his cheek while he sorts his emotions out.
Nodding sharply once Raf says, "okay I'm ready."
When they enter the apartment Lucy looks between the pair and sees the intensity hanging around them. Seeing all she needs to in just one look she smiles and goes on as normal. Hearing the door open Noah comes bounding down the hallway the greet his mother only to divert his course upon seeing Rafael.
"Rafa!" The boy yells then launches himself at his legs.
But Rafael intercepts him and instead scoops him up into an embrace. He doesn't let go, electing to shimmy out of his coat as best he can with his arms full.
"Hi Noh, como está?" Rafael greets.
Noah's reply is enthusiastic, "muy bien now that you and Mama are home."
Rafael knows it's not how Noah means it but he can't help but think how true that is, he is home here.
Not setting the boy down until he absolutely has to, relishing in the soul and spirit he sees in Noah, Rafael feels all the emotions continue to bubble under the surface but tamps it down for Noah's sake.
At bedtime Rafael is the one to read Noah his bedtime story, which of course turns into two stories. He stops it there knowing Olivia doesn't want Noah to be kept up.
Returning to the main part of the apartment Rafa's eyes scan the rooms looking for Liv. He finds her in the living room, reading, and likely waiting for him to come to her. Rafael is struck by two overwhelming and entirely conflicting feelings as he observes Olivia. He wants to run, hide and never face the world again. But more than that he wants to hold onto this woman, and that boy, and never let go. This feeling wins out, it was always going to, Rafael could never deny Olivia something, anything. She loves him and if that's all he has right now he thinks it is more than enough.
Approaching the couch Rafael clears his throat gently so he won't startle her and begins talking, "I meant what I said in the hallway, I love you, so much, and it's all I know, all I'm sure of right now." A long breath billows out his cheeks as it leaves his mouth, "I don't have anything to give you right now, it's part of what made me want to walk away." Olivia hasn't moved until now, her head drops sideways and her stare becomes more intense, "you deserve better than me Liv. I'm nothing, not right now."
As he was speaking Rafael moved himself so he was positioned directly across Olivia's place on the couch, sitting on her coffee table.
Liv puts her book off to the side, not caring that it closes and she had no marker. Placing her feet on the floor, and her elbows on her knees she stoops low so she can meet the eyes Rafael has dropped to look at the floor.
Upon catching his gaze Liv speaks, "you're not nothing Rafa, there is so much more to you than ADA Barba. Maybe you don't see it, but I do. I taught you how to see color, now I will teach you how to see yourself."
It's all she feels she needs to say, as the last word leaves her mouth Olivia takes Rafael's face in her hands and looks at him long and hard, finally speaking again, "today has been long and exhausted and I just want to go to bed okay?"
He seems to think she must be dismissing nods and stands, "um, yeah, sure. I guess, I don't know…" The hesitation in his voice carries over to his body language and it breaks Olivia's heart.
"Rafa come to bed with me, I don't want you away from me anytime soon, I'm not letting you go anywhere." Liv takes one of his hands and drags him back to her bedroom. "Get comfortable and get in." Olivia demands.
Finally he smiles, and lets out a small chuckle, "whatever you say Liv."
Without ceremony Olivia removes her clothing until she is down to her bra and underwear, moving to her dresser she withdraws a NYPD shirt that's old and faded. As she unfolds it to put it on she notices the lack of movement from Rafael.
Rolling her eyes Liv says, "we already admitted our feelings Raf, I do plan on having sex with you at some point in the very near future, now hurry up and get underdressed."
Dumbfounded Rafael can only follow her instructions.
A/N: I am going to make sure they get all fixed up and happy again.
x