Every Bump in the Road
Hey this is just an idea that randomly came to me. I am considering carrying on but only if anyone is interested in reading it so let me know
All mistakes are mine.
I don't own skins. :(
The first few seconds when you're between your dreams and reality are the best. That little bit of time in the morning when all your troubles are non-existent. Recently I live for those moments, I try my hardest to make them last as long as possible. When cold, hard reality hits me, I cry, every time. No one knows it but it's the only release I have these days, outside of those few minutes I never let the mask falter. No one would guess they all commend me on how brave I am, or comment on my ability to deal with my situation. The worst times are when they say they would know how to come if they found themselves thrust into my shoes, or had to bare the weight of what I go through. Not one of them understand, all their sympathies lie with me, when they should all be with her. I'm not saying it's an easy life but I chose it not her or anyone else, it was my decision and it was a very well informed one. Any pain, worry or despair I feel are incomparable to hers but she never lets it show not publicly, and not to me. Sometimes that is what makes it worst, not ever knowing how she truly feels inside, when she can single out every one of my emotions with a single piercing glance.
The cycle never ends, I have quit my job, my career isn't important now not in perspective with the bigger picture. I need to cherish every moment these days because on the outside she looks better, which ironically I can feel on the inside she is getting worse. The cold side of the bed reminds me of it every single day, everything in the house is a constant remind she isn't coming home. Each time she relapses I fear she is getting closer to final where she will never come home and never recover from her bump in the road. Each time I think it is the end.
Leaving the hospital is the worst part, the helpless look on her face shatters my heart and too much glue has ensured it will never be the same again. Days turn to nights and if you asked me the day, or date, I wouldn't be able to hazard a guess, season changes but the cycle still remains the same. The good times are fucking ace, I'm sure she would tell you, if she could, that every moment spent in the hospital is worth it for the good days. Memories is all they are now, the extended stays worry me, this is the longest yet. I worry for the day that extended becomes indefinite and she never comes home. Sometimes I feel she wants to me to leave her, just live my life without her. I know she feels guilty like she has burdened me with responsibility which is not mine, leaving her now would be worse than not being with her in the start. Every day I refuse to let her wilt in any which way I can.
My mood changes drastically from one day to the next and I know she finds it amusing, it's some sort of normality for her when I shout. Well that's from what I can gather, I'm not all seeing like her. I can't pick up on what she is feeling or thinking, that's why it hits the hardest when she won't speak. World War 3 could be blowing up in her mind and I would never know. She could be in pain, or real inner turmoil, and I could maybe help in some way or another. The truth is right in your face though, it's one of the only thing everyone that knows her, or of her, can tell you as fact. Anyone from top psychiatric doctors to young kids of Bristol that have heard the rumours, will tell you she has a gift of perception above anyone else, but no one can figure her out. Every day I learn something new about her just from watching, I have been doing it for 6 months day in, day out and I am nowhere near close to imagining what happens inside her mind. Seriously what chance do I really have of deciphering the stone cold mask that shields the beautiful face of Effy Stonem.