Greetings, humble readers, and welcome to my first ever crossover holiday crackfic! This was written for one of mah besties, the *Nine voice* FANTASTIC Invader Dana as one last surprise Christmas present (which is now officially late) and was inspired by her sister telling me that since she'd likely put the Dean keychain I got her next to her Ten one, Dean was totally the next companion. It sounded like the perfect crackfic waiting to happen and thus, I have made it so!
Le side note: I'm still in Series 4 of Doctor Who and have only seen the first episode of season 11 of Supernatural, so I'm technically behind on both shows, oops. However, this will be spoiler-free as far as plot stuff from each show; I'll just be using the chars and main recurring themes from them. Rated "T" for mild language commonly used in Supernatural. Also, I haven't written fanfic in forever so I may be a bit rusty…also also, I'm starting this at almost 1 A.M. during an internet outage that has plagued me for several hours now. If you're reading this…well, obviously, it's over. :D Does it count that I at least wrote most of it on Christmas Eve and Day?
Dean studied his colorful beer bottle's label as Sam continued his rant through the cell phone pressed to Dean's ear.
"This case just doesn't make any damn sense to me, Dean. There's nothing about it in Dad's journal, I'm pretty sure Bobby never did any research on it…I mean, how hard is it to gank a freaking siren? We've done this before, but I'm telling you, there's something weird about this one. It might be a completely new creature."
"I'll say", Dean muttered under his breath as he lowered his aviator sunglasses to look at the two model-esque, bikini clad women walking by him on the boardwalk.
"What?"
"Uh-nothing, nothing. Just agreeing."
Sam furrowed his brow as he began to pack his duffel bag on the hotel bed in South Dakota. "Ooohkay. So have you found anything there yet?"
Dean shook his head before remembering he was on the phone.
"Nada. I'm about to head over to the old geezer's farm and have a chat with his wife. See if she can explain to me about the 'giant beam of green light' that shot through the window of the barn where her husband was gored to death by one of his own reindeer."
Sam threw the extra salt rock gun into his bag and scoffed. "You know, maybe it was a bad idea to split up after all…I don't know what we've each gotten ourselves into."
"Hey, at least yours doesn't sound like some low-budget science fiction movie you can only watch at 3 A.M. And who the hell owns reindeer in California?"
"Well, Garth said the guy made a few bucks off of some Christmas attraction he and his wife put up every year for the kids in the area."
Dean pulled on the tie of his suit; it was really too hot out to be wearing the thing but FBI was the chosen disguise as usual.
"Yeah and great timing for all this; it's the 23rd and they were set to open it up tomorrow. Merry Freakin' Christmas."
Sam pulled the room door shut behind him and started down the hallway past an enormous buffalo head on the wall.
"Yeah, really. Well, call me if anything comes up. I gotta get back on this."
"Yeah, I gotta get going. Let me know what you find out."
"Will do. Don't get your ass handed to you by Rudolph."
Dean went to make a comeback, but Sam had already hung up, chuckling to himself. Dean slid into the familiar front seat of the Impala, promptly burning his hand on the leather steering wheel that had been in the Californian sun for much too long. Momentarily cursing having to come to the state he was so excited to explore 24 hours ago, he backed out of the parking space and headed towards the Vyles Family Farm.
The time on Dean's phone read 11:52PM. He lazily reached for the bag of stale doughnuts on the dash, careful not to get any crumbs on his precious Baby. Talking to Evelyn Vyles had been a complete and total waste of time earlier, as the woman was hysterical and barely able to speak in complete sentences. All Dean was able to get out of her was the same details of the story Garth had told Sam about the case: Old man gets killed by pet reindeer; wife sees giant beam of green light in the barn after finding his body. She had denied anything about experiencing the smell of sulfur, cold spots, or the usual fare that was asked of witnesses and eventually just begged Dean to leave through tears. All he could do was hold a classic stakeout and watch for anything suspicious, so there he was, parked behind a grove of trees facing the back of the barn.
Thirty minutes later, a sleeping Dean was startled awake by a strange, but loud, whirring noise and the wind gusting through his open window.
"Nnyea-Serafina..!" His eyes adjusted as he disgruntledly realized the vivid dream he had been having was over. But there was hardly any time to react to this when out of nowhere, a huge blue box materialized right in front of the Impala!
"What the hell?!"
Dean practically fell out of the car as he struggled to open its door, catching his footing and standing up straight to size up the box. It was at least 9 feet tall and read POLICE PUBLIC CALL BOX across the top, with a door that had a sign with more wording on it. He leaned forward and squinted, beginning to read the sign, when the door flung open and a startled Dean jumped back and pulled a knife from somewhere on his person in 2 seconds flat, completely uncertain of what he was about to see.
A taller and ganglier man in a pinstriped suit and red chucks saw Dean's weapon and immediately drew back himself, pulling a pen-sized gadget out of his back pocket and pointing it in Dean's direction in retaliation.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on there!" The man called out in a thick British accent. "What's that for?"
Dean just gawked for a few seconds, amazed that what had opened the door to the strange box was a) apparently human/spoke English and b) hadn't tried to murder him yet. He regained his composure and looked down at his hand to remember that he was holding a blade.
"For if you try to kill me. I don't exactly trust people…or things…I've just met. Especially ones that come waltzing out of giant blue boxes that just appear OUT OF NOWHERE!"
Never missing a beat, the man inside the box began to chuckle.
"Ah, well we haven't taken the time to meet yet, have we? I'm the Doctor-"
Dean moved his hand in a "go on" motion. "Doctor…who?"
The Doctor continued as if he hadn't heard. "-, and this is my TARDIS. Isn't she a beaut?" He beamed in satisfaction and patted the TARDIS gently, the same way Dean was known to pat Baby.
"Okay, well, first of all, I still don't know what "she" is. Or who you are."
"I told you, I'm the Doctor! Just the Doctor."
"Well then, Doctor", Dean mocked in a poor attempt at a British accent of his own, "What, exactly, is the…TARDIS?"
"Oh, she's a time traveling machine. Stands for 'Time and relative dimension in space.' You can take her anywhere in the galaxy; past, present or future!"
Dean scoffed. "Yeah, and she time-travels when she hits 88 miles per hour and my portable flux capacitor is attached", he sarcastically replied as he gestured to Baby.
The Doctor's eyes lit up with excitement. "You mean you've done it? Humans have found a way to time travel? Oh, I knew this day would come, I just didn't know it would be-what day is it?"
Dean managed to work through his shock and glance back at his phone, which now read 1:40AM. "It's, uh, Christmas Eve day?"
The Doctor snapped his fingers as if he was expecting that statement. "And what year?"
"Um…2015?"
The Doctor clapped his hands together, exclaiming incoherently and finally exiting the TARDIS, turning his attention towards Baby, the apparent time machine.
"This is brilliant, incredible! Why is it that it looks like just a regular old vehicle, and yet-"
He reached out to pull the door open by its handle but barely grazed the metal before a panicked Dean rushed over.
"Hey, hey, hey! First off, no one touches Baby without my permission, and SECONDLY, I'll ask the questions here, buddy."
The Doctor wearily glanced down at the knife Dean still held on him.
"I'd…appreciate it if we could do this without the knife?"
Dean looked at the gadget the Doctor was also still holding at his side.
"Only if you put away that thing, and by the way, what is that thing?"
The Doctor held it out in his palm. "It's a sonic screwdriver; it can open any barricade and do quite an impressive number of other things, want to see?"
Before Dean could respond, The Doctor had run up to the side of the barn and pointed the thing at a rusty metal padlock on the door, which instantly clicked open upon the gadget's probe-like noises and blue light being so near it.
Dean was beginning to gather information now, slowly but surely, and a thought came into his head. "Wait, did you call me…human…as in…other?"
The Doctor chuckled to himself and slipped the sonic back into his pocket. Dean reluctantly slid the knife back into his own attire.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. I'm a Time Lord, from the planet Gallifrey. I'm the last of my kind."
Dean momentarily looked confused, but from everything he had seen thus far (and not just tonight, but in his entire life), it wasn't exactly out of the ordinary.
"Okay. Well, uh, I'm Dean Winchester, and uh-"
The Doctor started walking back towards the Impala. "Whoa, whoa, now, hold on, 'Okay?' That's it? No further questions? What kind of human are you?"
"The kind that's seen too much and knows too much. I'm what you'd call a 'hunter'…my brother Sam and I hunt down paranormal and supernatural things and save people. We're not the only ones. It's kind of like its own secret society, actually."
The Doctor nodded slowly, not having decided just how far he was going to push it with this human.
"Ever dealt with aliens?"
"Uhh…no."
"Well, now you know one, but I should tell you, they're not all good, you know. Like the ones I came here to find."
Dean took a cautious step forward. "Wait, you mean to tell me…that there are aliens here?"
"Here, specifically, yes. They're hiding out so that I don't find them. They're a destructive race, all right."
"Wait a minute, you're saying that aliens are what killed old man Vyles the other night in this barn? Not his reindeer?" Dean gestured to the structure before them.
"Both correct! It was the aliens disguised in the form of reindeer."
Dean made a motion to speak three separate times, but couldn't find the words to express what he was trying to say.
"Quite a bit to take in, isn't it?" The Doctor grinned, feeling a bit prideful.
Suddenly, the back door to the barn flew open as several reindeer stampeded down the grassy hill, sending The Doctor and Dean ducking for cover.
"Holy-!" Dean shouted some form of expletive as he dove behind the mirror on the Impala's passenger side, spreading his arms as far out over the vehicle as possible in an attempt to protect it as well.
The Doctor had leapt behind the driver's side mirror himself, sonic screwdriver at the ready.
The herd thinned out as they made their way past the two, which would have been relieving if not for the giant beam of glowing green light being emitted from the barn door.
Dean drew his knife once again and stood up, facing the silhouette of what appeared to be another reindeer, this one roughly twice the size of the others and rearing up on its hind legs to accompany the strangest cacophony of animal sounds he would only expect from an alien in disguise as a holiday-oriented mammal with antlers.
"All right, let's show this son of a bitch who's boss. HEY! RUDOLPH!"
Dean began advancing towards the barn door as the creature continually reared up and whinnied its symphony of horror.
"Dean, wait!" The Doctor yelled. But it was too late, as Dean was already facing the beast and readying his weapon.
All at once, the pitch lights surrounding the barn turned up to full blast, blinding Dean and The Doctor. When Dean could finally open his eyes, the sight before them was nothing he could have predicted.
A beefy but elderly man was laughing hysterically in front of him, holding a giant, poorly-made papier mache reindeer head under one arm and wearing the rest of the ridiculous costume on his bottom half. A boom box sitting behind him still emitted the ghastly animal noises they had just heard moments ago, and a series of theatrical lighting tools were revealed to have been hung on the rafters above him. Evelyn Vyles stepped out of the shadows, also laughing hysterically.
Dean looked between the two in utter shock, and The Doctor shared the same expression.
"DECEMBER FOOLS!" The fake-alien-reindeer yelled, who was presumably the (very much alive) Dave Vyles.
Dean pointed from one half of the couple to the other, at a loss for words the second time that night. Finally, he was at least able to come up with something.
"You gotta be kidding me, right? This was all…a prank? I came all the way to California to solve a prank?"
Evelyn Vyles stepped forward.
"Well, truth be told sonny, we never expected the FBI to get involved. Our city does one of these pranks every year at a different time, and this year we happened to pick Christmas!"
"So you…killed your husband? Via alien reindeer? For a joke? What kind of sick, twisted, disgusting-"
The Doctor suddenly stepped forward.
"Uh, Dean, there uh, appears to be a camera crew."
Dean turned around to see a small group of cameramen shooting the scene and suddenly remembered he was wearing his FBI getup. In normal garb, he would have continued the rant, cameras or not (which the Ghostfacers hadteam learned the hard way), but in this case he regained his composure.
"Uh, I mean…you uh, you guys got me really good. Everybody back at headquarters is going to get a real kick out of this. Now, uh, you folks do me a favor and clean up all this equipment…and get your reindeer back in the barn. I'll be on my way."
He flashed a signature Dean smile at the cameras and the small crowd applauded, Doctor included. The group began to settle and dissipate, just as Dean remembered the enormous contraption The Doctor had called the "TARDIS" was just hidden enough by trees to remain unnoticed. He shot The Doctor a glance and then looked back at the grove. The Doctor let out a heavy sigh.
"Well, this is an unfortunate situation. The alien race I was tracking all that time didn't come here after all. Which means they're still out there, wreaking as much havoc as ever."
Dean shook his head.
"Well, uh, tough break, man. I gotta-"
The Doctor brightened and interrupted Dean.
"Say! I could use a "supernatural phenomena" expert on this mission, you know. Someone who knows all about hunting down evil forms of life. Might make my job a bit easier."
Dean glanced between the TARDIS and the Impala.
"Well, as flattering as that is Doc, I think my brother needs my help on a case in South Dakota."
Just then, Dean's phone lit up with a text from Sam.
Bagged it. Garth helped me with some research on the way. How's Christmas from hell?
"Or not," Dean mused as he pocketed his phone again.
Glancing between the two methods of transportation once again, he threw up his arms in defeat.
"Ah, what the hell. Long as you can get me back here in one piece. And, provided I can move my car to a more trustworthy location."
The Doctor lit up once more. "Wonderful! First, let's get you and the TARDIS acquainted shall we?"
Dean paused before following the Doctor.
"Weird question; you got any pie in that thing by chance?"
"Oh, Dean-o, you haven't lived until you've tried space pie."
For the third time, Dean was at a loss for words, until he remembered he hadn't put the Doctor through the usual test.
"Oh, one more thing."
Dean took a vial of holy water from his inner jacket pocket, removed the lid, and promptly splashed it into the Doctor's face.
The Doctor sputtered and wiped at his eyes.
"What was that for?"
"Just checking," Dean smiled as he followed a confused Doctor into the TARDIS, only just beginning to marvel at the inner proportions of the contraption. He pulled his phone out once more and shot Sam a quick reply text.
False alarm. But there is a real case now. Probably have it taken care of in a few days. I'll bring you back some pie; I hear it's a specialty where I'm going. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. :P