Don't Follow Me
A fic by Marauder-Girl
A/N: Yet another darkesque fic. I seem to be having a thing for the moment. Anywho… this one actually has a long and winding background, which I'm not gonna go into as it dredges up some bad memories. But needless to say that plus this poem are what inspired me.
Dis: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! Not the characters, poem, nadda. Capice!
Dedication: To Dragon Mistress… For dedicating a fic to me! And you're very welcome about the comic! LOL! Also to Remecial (Aka Kagami) For the fabulous illustrations to Oysters!
A/N2: Italics are thoughts. Just thought I'd clear that up!
'Ode to a best friend'
(Don't follow me)
Hide your eyes from the monster before you.
Run to the light while you still have dreams.
Keep your robe so snowy white
For once don't try to follow me
I succumbed to the pressures and evils,
That ravage my world and threaten yours
And even though I've lost hope and feeling
It would break my heart to see you fall.
With my last ragged breath I whisper a warning,
In hopes that you'll hear it and listen to me.
There's no love in destruction, my comfort in hiding,
No reason for darkness when you can still see.
Stay strong in the face of seductive temptations.
Give me reason to smile, it's been so long.
Live and love blissfully in serenity,
Fix your eyes straight ahead when everything is wrong.
Hide your eyes from the monster before you.
Run to the light while you still have dreams.
Keep your robe so snowy white
For once don't try to follow me
J.M.R
The common room was quiet, uncommonly quiet. The usual jovial atmosphere had dissipated, vanished into nothing ness. It had been that way for several weeks. The once happiest of all the houses, had become a den of melancholy touching all that entered with its gloomy grasp. The thing was none could understand why things were like this, nothing had truly changed. That is of course to the untrained eye; to those who looked deeper they could find a problem and in centred around four boys, usually the life and soul of the party, but now sombre.
Three of them sat together, meticulously nit-picking over a game of chess. Two light haired boys and a brunette, they seemed happy enough, but you could sense the tension in the air around them. The happy serenity was just an act, a ploy so others wouldn't pry deeper. Never once did their eyes stray to the fourth boy, whose slim form was perched in the corner furthest away from the others, his whole persona, which once exuded happiness, was now dark, withdrawn depressed.
Sirius Black was not known as a person to feel guilty, mope, or be depressed. His very nature rebelled against it. But recently he had been experiencing large amounts of them. Not without good reason of course. He had almost killed someone, and in the process almost killed two of his best friends, sorry correct that ex-best friends. He had betrayed a brother, not of blood, but of love, betrayed his biggest secret. And that hurt deep, more than any Crucio spell ever could. They had ever right to hate him, he, like every other member of his cursed family had ruined everything that was good and pure between the four of them. They would be better off without him, he wasn't needed. They were doing well enough. Sighing he stood up, a small scrap of paper falling to the floor behind him as he exited the Common room.
"He's gone." Said a gruff voiced James Potter, examining the chessboard with the eye of professional.
"Good!" replied Peter, a look of hatred burning in his eyes "About bloody time."
The third member of the party remained silent, looking at his rook as though it were the most valuable thing in the world. His mind was elsewhere, where James and Peter couldn't quite discern but they knew it wasn't a good sign. Remus had become more withdrawn lately, ever since the… incident. He just seemed to shut off as soon as anyone other than the Marauders, or at least what was left of them, spoke to him and of course whenever Sirius was mentioned.
James looked on worriedly "Rem are you okay mate?"
Remus snapped out of his daze and looked at the distressed face of one James Potter.
"I'm fine" he replied looking away, he was lying he knew it deep down. He was far from fine; he hadn't been this far from fine in over twelve years. Just when he thought he had it all, it came tumbling down on top of him, as usual. Why was life so unfair to him?
"You're not Moony!" snapped James in frustration. Peter nodded his assent, still concentrating on the chessboard.
Remus felt a wave of anger and nausea crash over him as that nickname echoed around his brain. Moony was the wolf, and he was not the wolf. The wolf was a killer; he didn't want to be a killer.
"Moony?"
Finally all the anger spilled out.
"Don't call me that!" Remus snarled, "I do not want to be associated with that THING! I don't care what you say! I'm going deny its existence until I have no choice but to!"
Both boys jumped, startled at their usually mellow friends angry outburst. They were even more surprised when he knocked the chess set to the floor and stormed out, no word of apology, no nothing. The pair looked on totally speechless as the portrait hole swung shut and relative silence reigned once more. The other members of the Common Room looking at the two with annoyed looks on their faces.
"What?" Said James, shrugging and picking up the discarded pieces.
Outside Remus fought for control of his emotions, the full moon was once again approaching and wolf inside him was gaining power. Finally calming down he turned and slumped against the nearest wall. Raking his hands through his hair he tried to rationalise the situation like he usually did. But he was having no such luck. His mind was scattered all over the place, but they all seemed to focus on one person, the cause of this insanity.
"God Sirius, why did you have to go and mess everything up, just when I was starting to figure things out."
He sighed and closed his eyes, horrible realisation hitting him hard. He was in love with a traitor, someone who had known his deepest secrets and had exploited them, flaunted them, just to get back at a Slytherin. He had figured out at the beginning of the year that his feelings toward Sirius weren't exactly plutonic, and as the year had slowly progressed they had become more potent. But now, he was now stuck between love and hate. He loathed Sirius, loathed him with a passion only fitting of a Gryffindor, but also his heart refused to give him up, it still whispered words of love and beauty into his soul.
Frustrated and annoyed beyond belief he slid down the wall and buried his face in his knees. Why was life so complicated? It was then with his head rested on his knees he noticed something that shouldn't have been there. Furrowing his brow he retrieved the piece of paper from the bottom of shoe and was curious to find it was addressed to himself, James and Peter. With a quiver of trepidation he recognised the handwriting.
'Sirius, what the hell?'Remus examined the slip of parchment and then broke the seal and opened it, he didn't see why he shouldn't. After all it was addressed to him as well as the others. Slowly and carefully as he normally did he scanned the contents of the parchment, his eyes widening in horror and heart contracting with grief and guilt.
'No…. 'Remus quickly jumped to his feet and ran off toward the astronomy tower his heart hammering, hoping that once life would play him a fair hand.
'Please don't let me be to late…..'
Sirius stood alone in the Astronomy tower, carefully arranging all his things.
'Now where was that damned letter?'He rummaged through his cloak but could not find the little epistle he had written. Curiously he wondered if he had dropped it somewhere, wouldn't matter in the long run the outcome of the night would still remain the same. Sighing he stood and looked out the Astronomy Tower window, he knew this would be the last time he would gaze upon the pristine grounds. This was the only option left, all other had been exhausted. He had begged and pleaded for forgiveness, to no avail, and without them his life had no meaning. Disowned by his family and now disowned by his friends.
Slowly and carefully he clambered onto the window ledge and looked down at the drop. He gulped slightly, heart pounding in his chest. There was a quiver of fear but none of doubt, this was what needed to be done, to atone himself for his sins, to make himself pure once again.
Taking a deep breath he stuck his foot out in front him and prepared to step. Behind him he heard a sudden intake of breath but it was too late, his balance had already shifted forward and he fell from the ledge….. and then stopped. Something had grabbed hold of his arm and was preventing his suicide attempt. Slowly through red raw eyes he looked up and saw who his saviour was.
"Remus?"
The golden haired boy looked down with a look of deep horror and anguish on his face. He was clinging onto Sirius's arm with an almost vice like grip.
"Sirius you fucking idiot! What the hell are you doing!"
Sirius smiled grimly "What does it look like I'm trying to do Moony, I'm trying to commit suicide."
"Now is not the time for jokes! Give me your other hand, I can't pull you up with just one hand."
"No…. I, this is what we both want and you know it." His voice was hollow but resolute.
"You can't be serious. I don't want you to die! This is the last thing I wanted!" Remus mumbled through gritted teeth. He was finding it difficult to keep his balance, his friends weight was dragging him over the edge himself.
"Why is it? You hate me, you have every reason and motive to let me go."
Remus processed this statement surprisingly quickly and his reply came out even quicker than he thought, except it wasn't exactly the one he wanted to come out.
"I don't hate you bloody stupid prat! I fucking LOVE YOU! And I know you feel the same I found that bloody suicide letter!"
Sirius' eyes could not have possibly gone any rounder in shock and disbelief.
"What…."
"I found the bloody letter when I ran out of the common room. I red it and came straight here, I'm so sorry I made you feel like this. I…."
"Shut up Remus!…. you have nothing to be sorry for…" Sirius interrupted, growling slightly.
"Come on Sirius give me your hand, I'm starting to lose my grip."
Sirius flung his free arm up toward Remus and allowed the amber eyed to pull him up. When he finally made it back into the tower, he quietly gathered his things and went to leave. Remus however had other plans.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, voice quiet and solemn.
Sirius just stood at the entrance to the door his heart pounding even harder than when he was standing on the ledge. He knew Remus had only been trying to save his life, he had only said those things in order to get him to give him his hand, it made no sense what he had said. Remus was straight. End of story.
"Sirius…." Came the quiet voice again, but now it was tinged with hurt.
"Just drop it Remus…. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to push you away. I know you only said what you said just to get me to come in…. it's okay…. I understand. I'll just go now…" The defeat in his voice was palpable.
Sirius went to open the door and then stopped at the sound of a…. sniffle? Was Remus crying? But Remus never cried. It was a well known fact, even after harsh transformations, brutal bullying he never once shed a tear. He turned to face his friend a look of shock on his face. Remus was crouched down hugging his knees trying vainly to stop from sniffing, but it was a losing fight. He felt rotten, totally rotten because the one time he had finally been truthful with his feelings he had been taken for a liar. That on top of the scene he just witnessed was just too much for him and he couldn't hold in the tears of pain any longer, a lifetimes worth that had never been shed.
"Remus..?"
Sirius carefully approached and crouched down beside his friend, studying him intently. Remus gave a hiccough and spoke in a shaky voice.
"I didn't just say it to get you back in….I really meant it…. I don't care if you don't believe me, because I believe me and that is all that matters. I love you Sirius…"
And as quickly as the thought had passed his mind Remus had moved in and placed his lips upon those of his best friends in a gentle kiss. After a few seconds they pulled away, blushing deeply. Sirius felt his lips burn from the chaste touch and he lifted his hand to them, to be certain they weren't on fire.
"If I didn't mean it Siri… I wouldn't have done that…"
"I know."
"Tonight is going to be a long night, we have a lot of talking to do…"
"I know."
"And if were serious about this were going to have to take it slow…"
"I know"
"Ther…." He was cut off as Sirius clamped his mouth over his kissing him firmly. When they broke away Sirius smiled.
"I know, I know…."
And so the night was dwindled away with a mixture of conversation and kisses.
The next morning they returned to the Common room to find that their two friends had fallen asleep on the sofa, apparently waiting for Remus to come back. They shook the two awake and glared as soon as they saw Sirius.
"Don't!" Interjected Remus shaprly "We had a long talk last night and I've forgiven him, and so should you."
James closed his mouth and nodded, clearly not overly happy with the situation, but the other boys knew he would come around in time. After all the Marauders were not complete without the four of them, at least for now the rift between them was mended.
The End