The List of Hogwarts

by HopelessHogwartian394

The List of Hogwarts is legend amongst students. Passed around the common rooms for generations, it is a book for students to write down things they have been forbidden from doing, or even better, get ideas. For your viewing pleasure, we have found the best, the funniest and the most creative entries, so sit back and enjoy the ride.

A.N - Sorry I've been gone for so long, life happened. Enjoy this and I'll be back soon with another instalment of my main story, Hidden Flowers. Go check it out if you haven't already. As always, I don't own anything except a rather extensive book collection.

Under no circumstances am I allowed to talk to Fred and George, no matter how creative my excuse

The same goes for Peeves

Harry Potter's name is not Frodo Baggins, nor does he have the 'One Ring'

I will not refer to Professor Flitwick as Yoda

I will not make fun of Bellatrix Lestrange

Even if I do have a death wish

No matter how stupid I think his name is, I will not refer to Voldemort as Baldimort

Or Moldyshorts

Or anything else, no matter how funny

Dementors are not called Ringwraiths

I am not allowed to enchant the entrance to the Ravenclaw common room, no matter how funny I think I am

The answer to everything is not 42, and I am to stop insisting that it is

I am not to teach first years to chorus 'the amazing bouncing ferret' every time they hear Draco Malfoy

Dumbledore is not Gandalf

Or Santa Claus

Professor Umbridge is not the wicked witch of the west and I am to stop calling her that

Nor will she melt if water is poured on her

Nor does she have an army of flying monkeys

First years are not there for my amusement, and I am to stop insisting that they are

Friday the thirteenth is not unlucky, it is simply muggle superstition, and I am therefore to stop scaring the first years.

The same goes for black cats, ladders, broken mirrors and any other muggle superstitions

I am not allowed to tell Mr Weasley the function of a rubber duck

The function of a rubber duck is not to act as a secret weapon to allow house elves to take over the world

I am not allowed to give Hermione Granger sugar, caffeine or any other form of stimulant. There is a reason her parents have banned sugar, and it is not because they are dentists. She didn't sleep for a week last time.

Gummy bears are not a food group

Nor are Chocolate Frogs, sherbet lemons or any other type of sweet.

Puns on Sirius Black's name are no longer funny. Professor McGonagall has heard them all

This is not a challenge.

Starting a betting pool on the Defence Against the Dark Arts Position is not a clever moneymaking tactic, nor is it funny

Even if I did make a fortune betting on Professor Umbridge being mauled by a herd of angry centaurs.

No matter how funny I may find it, my year mates do not appreciate me changing their hair colour, to pink

Or green

Or purple

Or any other colour

I will not attempt to combine magic and Muggle science.

This goes double for Chemistry and Potions

Triple if Professor Snape is nearby

Blowing things up is not considered a legitimate pastime

I am not allowed anywhere near a potion without adult supervision

Especially Polyjuice potion. Last time I almost gave all my teachers a heart attack after they were faced with 500 Polyjuiced Weasley twins

I will not attempt to disprove the Hogwarts school motto, as it is there for a reason

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin"

I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

Enchanting the suits of armour to sing muggle pop songs was funny the first time, but not the 51st time

Giving Professor McGonagall catnip for Christmas is only funny if I have no desire to sleep for a week

I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class

I am to stop shouting "Beam me up Scotty" every time I apparate

I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.

The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.

I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.

Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.

Neither is Dracula.

Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.

Duct-taping first years to walls is extremely wrong

Especially if I leave them there

Even if it was to demonstrate how strong duct-tape is

I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?

A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy

Hogwarts does not need a "This many days since Harry has almost died," sign

I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

I will not send Dobby to Professor Snape's room with shampoo and conditioner.

Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of 'Ferret Boy'

'The Marvelous Misadventures of Ferret Boy' is NOT to be turned into a comic strip and sent to the Daily Prophet.

I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.

However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

I will not ask Sirius if his middle name is Lee

Food is for eating, not for throwing

I am only allowed in my own common room.

I will not tell Harry and Draco to "Get a room!" when they are arguing

Or Ron and Hermione

Kreacher is not looking for 'his precious'

I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the halls

I should not put a stuffed spider on Ron's bed, no matter how much Fred and George dare me to.

Fred and George are not "Thing 1" and "Thing 2"

Nor are they "Tweedle-dee" and "Tweedle-dum"

Or B1 and B2

A.N. Reviews are much appreciated, as are ideas. Keep an eye out for some of these in my main story. A special prize for anyone who spots one :)