When Love Strikes
I am so lonely. I am no good. I can't save anyone, not even myself. Lonely. This is why I'm lonely, Superman thought. This time of the year was always a rough one- Valentine's day. Lois Lane, his beloved, had been captured by that deceitful god Loki of Marvel Cinematic Universe. He hadn't seen her in five years. Superman decided to go out about town and see what was up. Maybe he would find a lovely lady-or lad- to warm his lonely nights. He got dressed up in his finest attire and set out about town in his purple 2007 Nissan Versa, a real chick magnet.
The first place Superman went to was a popular hangout for abandoned cats and the elderly: Walgreens. He went inside the store, and immediately heard Creedence Clearwater Revival. Man, I love CCR. "Down on the Corner" is literally my jam. I remember this was our song, me and Lois. Superman began to tear up a little thinking of his beloved. So he purchased eighteen bags of Reese's Pieces and bought two 25 pound Hershey's bars. I guess I will go home and be fat tonight. Lois, forgive me. But suddenly Superman's pity party was interrupted. "Get on the ground you foul elderly folk!" A burglar had entered the store. "I am here to burglarize Walgreens! Mwahahaha!" I don't have time for this, I really don't. But I must, for science! "Burglar of the Walgreens, surrender now or prepare to fight!" Superman boldly declared. "No way man. I am here to steal childrens' toys to bathe with and then sell them at a markup to the elderly!" the burglar cried out. "What a foul beast thou art! How heinous is the crime you mention. Is it a result of suppressed tension?" Superman retorted. "Yeah man. Yeah. You got me. I just want to love people but they don't want to love me. I am so sad!" Superman recognized that feeling of loneliness, a feeling he had felt before he felt what he was currently feeling. "Beast, burglar, mortal, peasant, friend, foe, family, lover. What are you called?" "I am called Spider-Man".
Spiderman? How did Spiderman get into the DC Universe? How is this possible? But do I even dare question? He was obviously sent to me by my Lord and Savior, Nicolas Cage. Thank you, dearest St. Nicolas, for bringing me this obviously handsome specimen of man to make my Valentine's day less lonely. "Spiderman? It's me, Superman. I am also lonely and I want to love. Do you want to help me?" Superman questioned. "Sure man, just tell me what we need to do!" Superman thought for a little while. "We need to go to Asgard of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and reclaim my babe Lois from that Loki person! Are you in?" "Uh yeah sure I uh have uh some... unfinished business with Lok-I, I mean I have some unfinished business in Asgard." Spiderman replied. "Well then. Off we go! Hoorah! Yeah Wait, how do we get to the Marvel Cinematic Universe?" "Well, I crawled through this magic vortex that appeared in my toilet." Spiderman was sure in his words. "Vortex?" Superman wondered if Spiderman was looney. "Yeah like this vortex kind of opened up in my toilet and I decided to crawl through it." "So you just, umm, crawled through your toilet?" Superman was confused. "Yeah man." Spiderman was confident. "Did you know where it led to?" "Well no" "But you still crawled through it?" "Well, yeah." Superman realized how lucky Spiderman was to be alive, but then he realized that this vortex coupled with Spiderman's stupidity was a gift sent to him from his Lord and Savior, Nicolas Cage. "Thank you, Nicolas Cage, my Lord and Savior, for sending a vortex to this idiot to come save me!" Superman proclaimed to the world. "Um Superman what the mess. I thought we were in this together!"
Spiderman began to cry sad tears of sadness that were like a person who was sad who is crying tears that are similar to the tears Spiderman cried. "I didn't mean it, Spiderman! You know how much I love you! You know I would never hurt you!" Superman felt bad about hurting Spiderman's feelings. He knew those feelings, too. But he also knew love, lasting, sweet, eternal passionate love. "Spiderman, before we crawl through the portal to save my wifey, I have something to say to you." Superman walked up to Spiderman and gazed into his beautiful chestnut colored eyes that were colored in a way similar to a chestnut. Suddenly, Superman crashed his lips onto Spiderman's trembling one in a passionate kiss that would put Leonardo DiCaprio to shame. Superman grabbed onto Spiderman's luscious mane of hair, freshly released from that red spider mask. Spiderman fully reciprocated the kiss, and pushed his lips deeper into Superman's face, and took his hands and wrapped them around the Kryptonian hunk. Love, Love it feels like Love! Is this love? Is this life! Superman could hardly contain his joy until he was stopped by one of the abandoned Walgreen's cats who was peeing on his foot. "Shoo, kitty kitty!" Superman screeched. He looked back at his partner. Spiderman's hair was a ruffled mess. "Well Spiderman I guess we should go on to your world, and then to Asgard!"
The two men walked up slowly to the spinning purple vortex. "Here goes nothing!" Superman yelled as he stepped into the vortex. Dark, it's dark I am going so fast oh look a unicorn OW! Superman was deposited in a small, porcelain throne. "Gross! I'm covered in toilet water! This is so nasty!" He stepped out of the toilet, and walked over to the mirror. "But I still look good!" Suddenly, Spiderman popped out of the toilet. "Let's go!" yelled Spiderman. "Wait do you even know how to get to Asgard?" Superman questioned. "Well yeah I used to go there all the time when me and Loki were dati-I mean, best friends five-ever, which is more than forever." "Oh okay man. Well, no time to waste, right?"
Superman and Spiderman walked out of the apartment complex and to a train station. "How is this supposed to get us to Asgard? These are Midgardian trains!" Superman was once again confused. "Calm down. All I have to do is press the magic button. There is a special train that runs from Midgard to Asgard. Loki showed me where the magic button is hidden." The arachnid gentleman walked over to a pole, and pressed what appeared to be a random spot. Suddenly, the world shook. Superman looked around. Time had frozen still, like ice that is also frozen. A rainbow train magically appeared. "Welcome to Bifrost Lines: Midgard to Asgard. We hope to see you somewhere over the rainbow!" What the actual mess? Superman thought. "I seriously hate that part. I told him it was cheesy!" a disgruntled Spiderman said. The duo boarded the rainbow, sparkly train and were greeted with a rainbow, sparkly interior. "Wecome to Bifrost Lines. Please enjoy your journey while you listen to Journey!" The song "Open Arms" by Journey began playing, and Spiderman began crying. "This was our song! Loki knew this was our song! He used to ride with me back to Earth and we would make out to this song! We were going to play this at our wedding!" "Wow I didn't know you had such a passionate history with Loki. Why did you end it?" "Well, he said he had found a new hunk in the DC universe and he wanted this new guy instead of me, and so he concocted this evil plot to steal the guy's girlfriend, what was her name. Louise? Louisa? Lola?" "Lois!" Superman was shocked. "Yeah, that was her name." Spiderman was still crying. A deep anger stirred inside Superman. Loki had stolen Lois because he had a crush on Superman? Spiderman looked at Superman, and looked deeply. Suddenly he grabbed Superman's faced and pressed his tear wet lips onto Superman's supple ones. They kissed, in a kind of passionate kiss that ends all passionate kisses. Superman pulled Spiderman on top of him. They kissed harder and deeper and harder and deeper until they heard "Welcome to Asgard! We hope you enjoyed your ride!" come over the intercom.
The men stepped off of the train. "Where to next, Spiderman?" "He lives in that huge castle over there!" Spiderman pointed to a gorgeous golden castle in the distance. "Well, let's a go go!" The perfect pair rushed off toward the castle. when they got to the steps, they were shocked to find Loki already there waiting for them. "Come, peasants. I have lovely surprises for both of you!" the God shouted. They followed the leather-clad man into his personal corridors. "Please, sit yourself down on my bed." Spiderman did as commanded, but Superman was more hesitant. "Where is Lois? I want to see her!" Superman roared. "Ah yes, dearest Lois Lane. The object of affection of my object of affection." Superman began to blush. "She is fine, I assure you. I, on the other hand, am not. I have been lonesome for quite some time now." "Loki, please! Please take me back! I'll do anything! Anything!" Spiderman cried out. "Shush peasant!" Loki roared. Superman was upset with Spiderman. Had they not just been through things together? "Hey bruh what the heck I thought we had something special!" Superman yelled at Spiderman. "Hush now, both of you!" Loki began swaggering over to Superman. "Hey boy toy. You wanna piece of my tesseract scepter?' Superman knew he could not resist the power of Loki. He leaned in and kissed the pale God, softly at first then more urgently. Loki then pulled back. "I knew you couldn't resist my charms. No one can! Especially your precious Lois!" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Superman yelled, much like Kirk after Spock's death in Wrath of Khan. "Oh but yes. Lois and I have been having much fun!" Loki snickered. "That's impossible! She only loves me!" Superman was at the verge of tears. "That's not what she said!" Loki laughed menacingly. The God then walked over to his scepter, which was lying on the floor, and picked it up and stabbed Superman through the heart. "Haha peasant! This sceptre is made of solid Kryptonite!" Loki cackled as Superman's lifeless body plunged to the floor. "Good work, my gentle servant." He said to Spiderman. "Did you get rid of Lois?" Spiderman asked. "Years ago, my love!" The lovers began to laugh hysterically, and then kiss passionately. "Oh Spiderman, I love you." "I love you too, Loki!" And they lived happily ever after.
The End