Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf... I know a Dwarf who is red a lot of the time though if that counts?...

Right well spur of the moment one shot - Very Crap so I have a bucket of water at the ready incase of flames...

Drunken Philosophy

Lister giggled and looked round the metal table at the other people in the mid section of Starbug as he took another swig from his can of "Leopard Larger" There was on his right Arnold J Rimmer, a cowardly weasel of a man, who thought that sewing his name on ship issue condoms was a completely non weird thing to do in his spare time.

Then there was Kryten, a series 4000 mechanoid with corrupted files and an invalidated guarantee. There was also the problem that he spoke in a rather crap Canadian accent, and felt that his devotion to Lister was completely un-needy and totally normal.

"On his left were Cat and Kira, the couple of the crew. Their little girl called Dani, was currently asleep in a shoe box nearby.

Lister's friend Cat was evolved from Lister's own pet cat that he had smuggled aboard Red Dwarf many years ago; Cat had rescued Kira a few years ago now, when they found a way to go back in time to before the radiation leak that wiped out the crew.

Kira in Lister's opinion could be summed up in just word – Female.

"Are you going to roll the dice or not?" Kira asked as she slumped over the Monopoly board – Feeling bored.

"I'm been sssstragict here." Lister slurred.

"It's monopoly bud – You throw the dice." Cat pointed out.

"Ssssso?" Lister challenged.

"You're pished!" Kira announced drunkenly.

"You're pished too!" Lister retorted, pointing.

"Think we should ring up London Zoo and tell them where their missing monkeys got to?" Rimmer asked to no one in particular.

"Shut up, Alphabet Head, at least they can get drunk with real alcohol." Cat hissed, defending his friends with venom.

"Then why aren't you getting drunk and all?"

"Because I find that it leaves me less than my usual perfect self when I awake the following morning." Cat explained as he drummed his claws expectantly on the table waiting for Lister to roll the dice.
"Remind me why we're playing this…ssss." Lister voiced as he dropped the dice onto the table.

"If I recall sir you didn't want to play childish or rude games while there was a woman or baby onboard." Kryten recited as he looked p from his manual of how to upgraded stomach pumps to "Super Suck."

"I talk smeg when I'm sober." Lister decided as he crushed the now empty can and threw it to the floor to join a mounting pile of other discarded aluminium beverage containers.

"No Lister that's not true – You ALWAYS talk smeg." Rimmer corrected smugly.

Kira shook her can, frowning at the lack of liquid, she then turned the can upside down and peered forlornly up into the darkness.

"I think the can is EMPTY." Rimmer stated as if talking to a 5 year old. Kira then responded like a 5 year old by sticking her tongue out and giggling.

"Your nose is funny." She smiled pointing.

"My god, even the smartest of people turn into giggling idiots when drunk." Rimmer sighed, shaking his head.

"Does that mean Hitler was drunk when he did the Halocausty thing?" Lister asked, pulling the ring pull on another can and wiping the froth from his hand onto Kira's sleeve.

"Hey!" She protested throwing her can at him."

"How'd you work that out?" Rimmer asked as he flared his nostrils in exasperation, causing Kira to abandon her attack on Lister and burst into giggling again.

"Well, if Hitler wanted to rule Europe. But he lost coz he didn't have all the people, Killin all the Jews and stuff was kinda stupid."

"Lister, the Holocaust was not stupid."

"So are you saying you think he was right?"

"Now I admit his plan was a little flawed, but as a dictator he was one of the best."

"Rimmer, I maybe drunk but that's still too much of a look into your phyc… head, for my liking. I meant, why kill all the 6 million people – He coulda won the war with their help first."

"And that statement isn't weird at all Lister?" Rimmer asked sarcastically.

"I were just been sssstragict." Lister defended as he flicked one of the dice across the table.

"I wanna play the point the pinnny weather girl on the stick!" Kira announced.

"You're great you are – Really really… great! You're like one of us – But with BREASTS!" Lister commented.

Kira leapt to her feet at Lister's words, her intended response unknown as she immediately collapsed, only to be caught just in time by Cat.

"I love you, you know." Kira slurred, pressing a finger to Cat's nose. "I really, really love you

"Sirs, I believe it is time that the fermented vegetable drinks were confiscated." Kryten interrupted.

"No, no, no!" Kira whined as Cat picked her up and carried her towards the metal steps.

"Yes, yes, yes!" Cat replied gently. "We don't want Dani drinking larger flavoured milk now do we?"

"That sounds brutal!" Lister contradicted as he leaned back in his chair and toppled it backwards, crashing to the floor with an almighty crash.

"He fell down!" Came Kira's giggling voice from the balcony as she and Cat disappeared from sight.

"Sir, poor Mister Lister!" Kryten moaned as loud snoring began to erupt from the lump that was Lister.

"Oh leave him Kryten, he'll be alright… Hmmmm Set an early morning wake up call for us tomorrow will you Kryten? The really loud road drill one?"

"Yes sir." Kryten replied hesitantly.

Suddenly the relative quietness was broken by Dani who at the lack of attention and continuous loud noises had chosen that moment to make use of her lungs.

"Kryten and Rimmer cringed and attempted to calm her, though unsuccessfully. A few seconds later Cat came tearing down the stairs, he picked her up and rocked her gently till she quietened before taking her back upstairs with him. Rimmer removed his hands from his ears and looked at the still sleeping from of Lister.

"Cancel the wakeup call Kryten, if he can sleep through that a road drill will be easy street."