[Warning: Unless you have read Douglas Adams' novel, "Life, The Universe, And
Everything," than this fic will make no sense to you whatsoever.
Nobody Lives Forever
by
W*ING Higley
It was a day like any other in Tokyo-3. The streets were empty, the houses were
abandoned, and the buildings were demolished. In the five years since the Third Impact,
Asuka Langley-Sohryu mused to herself, every day was pretty much the same.
Oh, sure, there would be the occasional wild animal that would come loping through the
streets, or a gas main would go and a house would explode. But, for the most part, life in
post-Impact Tokyo-3 was pretty much the same.
Every day Asuka would awaken at 7:00 AM and trudge downstairs to the kitchen of the
mansion she now inhabited. It had previously been the home of the chairman of Sony, but
since the Sony chairman was now a sticky puddle of goo, the point of ownership was
moot.
Once in the kitchen, Asuka would fix herself a breakfast of whatever canned foods she had
managed to forage from one of the abandoned supermarkets. Next, she would head
outside and make the trip across the street to the makeshift grave where she had buried
Shinji two years earlier.
After saying good morning to Shinji, she would head into town and spend the day
wandering around, trying to kill time without dying of boredom. Some days she would
head to the library and read books all day, others she would fire up the movie projector at
the local theater and watch "Star Wars: Episode IX: The Return of Chewbacca" for the
millionth time.
Some days, when she was really bored, she'd head to a sperm bank and try to figure out a
way to artificially inseminate herself. She wouldn't be bored if she had an offspring,
Asuka figured.
And so it had gone like this for over two years, ever since the day Shinji had finally
succumbed to the madness caused by being one of the last humans on Earth and declared,
to no one in particular, that he was the Lord Jesus Christ and, more importantly, that he
could fly.
Of course, Shinji couldn't fly, but he didn't find that out until after he had dived off the top of
the Tokyo Tower. Since Shinji's death, Asuka had not encountered a single living intelligent
being. At least, not until today.
On this particular day, Asuka was sitting in the middle of a park in Ota ward trying to read
a book when a large, black spaceship began to descend from the clouds above. Asuka did
not panic at this site. Indeed, having bore witness to the end of humanity, she took the
whole thing rather calmly.
And she remained calm, even as a large, nine-foot tall gray/green alien emerged from ship
carrying a pen and a clipboard with some funny, alien-writing on it.
Asuka merely looked curiously at the alien as it consulted the clipboard for a moment,
before it finally asked, "Er, Sohryu? Are you...Asuka Langley-Sohryu?" The alien asked
in a thick, 'cockney' accent.
"Yes, yes I am." Asuka said in response.
The alien nodded to itself, then said, "Right. You, Asuka Langley-Sohryu, are an idiot."
"What?" Asuka asked in a mixture of shock and anger.
"An idiot. A big 'ole bleedin' idiot. That's what you are." And with that, the
Wowbagger the Infinitely Plussed made a check on his clipboard, turned around, and
headed back into his spaceship.
"You...you dumbkopf!" Asuka shouted as she waved her fists at the departing spaceship.
*****
Author's Notes: For those of you who did not heed my warning and read the story
anyways, "Life, The Universe, and Everything" features a character named Wowbagger
the Infinitely Plussed who is an immortal alien that gets so bored with living forever that
he decides to fly around the cosmos and insult every single, living, intelligent creature in
existance. It's really quiet funny, funnier than this, probably.
I got the idea for this piece from the opening of "Life," which features
it's main character, Arthur Dent, stranded in pre-historic Earth by himself
when Wowbagger shows up and insults him. C&C welcome.
C&C welcome.
Everything," than this fic will make no sense to you whatsoever.
Nobody Lives Forever
by
W*ING Higley
It was a day like any other in Tokyo-3. The streets were empty, the houses were
abandoned, and the buildings were demolished. In the five years since the Third Impact,
Asuka Langley-Sohryu mused to herself, every day was pretty much the same.
Oh, sure, there would be the occasional wild animal that would come loping through the
streets, or a gas main would go and a house would explode. But, for the most part, life in
post-Impact Tokyo-3 was pretty much the same.
Every day Asuka would awaken at 7:00 AM and trudge downstairs to the kitchen of the
mansion she now inhabited. It had previously been the home of the chairman of Sony, but
since the Sony chairman was now a sticky puddle of goo, the point of ownership was
moot.
Once in the kitchen, Asuka would fix herself a breakfast of whatever canned foods she had
managed to forage from one of the abandoned supermarkets. Next, she would head
outside and make the trip across the street to the makeshift grave where she had buried
Shinji two years earlier.
After saying good morning to Shinji, she would head into town and spend the day
wandering around, trying to kill time without dying of boredom. Some days she would
head to the library and read books all day, others she would fire up the movie projector at
the local theater and watch "Star Wars: Episode IX: The Return of Chewbacca" for the
millionth time.
Some days, when she was really bored, she'd head to a sperm bank and try to figure out a
way to artificially inseminate herself. She wouldn't be bored if she had an offspring,
Asuka figured.
And so it had gone like this for over two years, ever since the day Shinji had finally
succumbed to the madness caused by being one of the last humans on Earth and declared,
to no one in particular, that he was the Lord Jesus Christ and, more importantly, that he
could fly.
Of course, Shinji couldn't fly, but he didn't find that out until after he had dived off the top of
the Tokyo Tower. Since Shinji's death, Asuka had not encountered a single living intelligent
being. At least, not until today.
On this particular day, Asuka was sitting in the middle of a park in Ota ward trying to read
a book when a large, black spaceship began to descend from the clouds above. Asuka did
not panic at this site. Indeed, having bore witness to the end of humanity, she took the
whole thing rather calmly.
And she remained calm, even as a large, nine-foot tall gray/green alien emerged from ship
carrying a pen and a clipboard with some funny, alien-writing on it.
Asuka merely looked curiously at the alien as it consulted the clipboard for a moment,
before it finally asked, "Er, Sohryu? Are you...Asuka Langley-Sohryu?" The alien asked
in a thick, 'cockney' accent.
"Yes, yes I am." Asuka said in response.
The alien nodded to itself, then said, "Right. You, Asuka Langley-Sohryu, are an idiot."
"What?" Asuka asked in a mixture of shock and anger.
"An idiot. A big 'ole bleedin' idiot. That's what you are." And with that, the
Wowbagger the Infinitely Plussed made a check on his clipboard, turned around, and
headed back into his spaceship.
"You...you dumbkopf!" Asuka shouted as she waved her fists at the departing spaceship.
*****
Author's Notes: For those of you who did not heed my warning and read the story
anyways, "Life, The Universe, and Everything" features a character named Wowbagger
the Infinitely Plussed who is an immortal alien that gets so bored with living forever that
he decides to fly around the cosmos and insult every single, living, intelligent creature in
existance. It's really quiet funny, funnier than this, probably.
I got the idea for this piece from the opening of "Life," which features
it's main character, Arthur Dent, stranded in pre-historic Earth by himself
when Wowbagger shows up and insults him. C&C welcome.
C&C welcome.