A/N: OK, this is my second attempt at writing a OTH fic, and hopefully not the last! Thanks to everyone who reviewed my first fic, it definitely gave me the push to start this one. So this has been sitting on my computer nearly done all summer, I just haven't had the time to finish. Then when I did try too, my computer lost the file. Needless to say, its taken longer then I could have expected.

--This is pretty much a futuristic AU, that will probably be 2-3 parts. *Again any type of review/criticism is very much appreciated.

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Wait, I'm wrong
Should've done better than this

She had been doing the same thing since she was a little girl. When she was fifteen and a half it became her sole responsibility.

She would walk up the front driveway to the home she had lived in all her life, the one her father had lived in all his life, and she would collect the mail from the mail box.

When she little it was exciting. She would love to check to see if she had gotten a postcard from her Aunt Lily, or a letter from her Grandma Karen as they traveled the world. Sometimes she would receive a new picture from her Cousin Jamie who lived no more then a few hours away in Charlotte. Of course she talked to all of them when they called, and sometimes her Mom would even let her use her computer to send them a email. To Sawyer though, regular mail was just more fun.

It was like a brand new surprise everyday. She loved that.

But in her senior year of high school, Sawyer checked the mail everyday for another reason. She didn't get letters or postcards from anyone traveling the world anymore because everyone that Sawyer loves all lives in Tree Hill. Well Almost everyone.

But when she checks the mail and finds that there is nothing but junk mail and sale ads, she realized that the mail is not as fun anymore. Sawyer figured out that the mail wasnt as fun because now its just waiting and disapointment when nothing she wanted would arrive. She hated that.

But she decided that this waiting was just a part of life, it's a normal waiting.

Sawyer had been waiting on acceptance letters to arrive from all Universities she has applied to. Well she's hoped for them to be acceptance letters. Last November she sent out over a dozen different applications to schools, thinking if she got into at least half it would mean she could have some options to choice from.

Her family wasn't too thrilled when she started to talk about schools that were half way across the country.

Sawyer had a check list though, of what the school she decided on needed to be.

According to her, it was important that whatever school she choose be near a beach. She loved the beach. Sawyer said the right school for her was close to a big city, in case she ever got too bored. Apparently you could never get bored when you lived in the city. She also decided that the school she choice would have to be one that had a beautiful campus, to her that meant it would be easier to get in inspired if she was around some place beautiful.

But the most important thing on the list, the one that was a must-the item on her check list that she kept to herself-was that the school be farthest away from home than she could get.

Finally in late April when she went to the mailbox and found a letter from Stanford University, an acceptance letter, she figured it was sign.

Stanford was close to the coast to be near a beach. Well close enough. As for cities, San Francisco wasn't too far away, and really Los Angeles was less than a days drive. But most importantly, Stanford wad literally on the other side of the country from Tree Hill. She thinks that's reason enough.

She didnt't bother checking the mail anymore, waiting for any other letter that might be from a school closer to home, even if all her family tried to reason with her, that California is just too far.

Her family all in one not so subtle way or another make their opinion on the matter clear. California was just too far away.

Sawyer tried to reason with them right back that Stanford is one of the best schools in the country, and it has everything she is looking for. Did they not know about her list? It was near perfect.

She doesn't say that the only reason she is going so far is because its too hard to stay home, in this town. She doesn't bring up her parents, or how she has been faking being ok since she was fifteen and a half.

None of her family argue right back that they know she wants to go so far because she is still dealing with what happened, and it's the exact same thing her mother did when she was her age. They don't tell her that she won't move forward until she has looked back. They don't warn her of all her parents had to go through because they chose very similar choices as she is doing now. They want to, but they don't.

Eventually all her family just concede. They know that regardless of what they say or do, she still will go, just like her mother did.

They just don't want her to be away for years and years just like her mother did.

Sawyer knows none of that, she's just really glad that its not brought up again, because then she wont have to argue the real reason she is going that far.

The real reason why she is even leaving at all.

Too bad they know. And what's worse, too bad they don't tell her they know.

Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for

Before she left for college Sawyer decided to double major.

Really it was a no brainier. All her life she had only had two passions; Art and Literature. So naturally she decided to major in both subjects.

It's not lost on her that both things held such great importance to her parents, of course she knows about the epic meaning each carried for them as individuals and as a couple. Well at least she thinks she knows everything.

From all she has heard over the years, Art was a gift her mother used to express herself when she felt no one could understand.

To her mother Art was a form of expression that transcended all meanings, creating free interpretation, and helped to provoke any individual to think for themselves.

She used to go with her mom to visit her Grandma Anna when she was little. She remembers the somber yet studious way her mother would sit and look at the lettering of the last name that is her first name. The way her mom's eyes gazed over each letter, as if the name as a whole carried the entire memory of her past.

SAWYER.

Thinking back on it, the artistic way her mother looked at life made her sketches all the more real, tragic, beautiful.

Sawyer might not have seen them all, but she has looked at some pretty amazing sketches of some of her mom's most life changing moments that she wasn't yet born to witness.

The cartoon-ish sketch of a boy with spiky hair dressed in a jersey with a number 3 on the front, and a girl with curly hair carrying pom-poms in a cheerleader uniform, with simple worlds bubbled above them, is framed and sits atop her nightstand.

She knows there is more pieces her mother has drawn, not to mention the massive amount of work she did with music, but Sawyer just doesn't think she can handle looking at any drawings or listening to any music when she knows they will remind her of what's missing.

Sawyer had also learned, after a few conversations Grandma Karen, that Literature was an escape for her father when his understanding of things was too powerful to comprehend.

After one long talk with her Uncle Nathan one night at the court by the river, she realized that her father's childhood was more then hard. So hard in fact that he used books and words to turn his focus on what he didn't have to prove that he was more then good enough.

Good enough to play basketball with a half brother who hated him for existing.

Good enough to a town who only saw him as the illegitimate son of the Mayor.

Good enough to a father, who frankly wasn't good enough to be her dad's father.

The four books her dad did publish also sit on her nightstand. She is more then certain that each one is amazing and brilliant, and they tell the story of who her parents were, and the epic love story they shared. So she has been told.

Because she has never read them. Not one.

And she doesn't plan too.

Upon considering all this, she decided early on that her parents passion for her passions is not the reason why she decided the way she did.

Really it can't be, because their influence in her life is nothing more then incomplete second hand accounts from other people that are not her parents and far too distant memories of her childhood. A childhood that has long been over since before she even turned eighteen.

Instead she thinks that she choices Art and Literature because of the great importance both things carry in her own life.

She had always used art to help explain who she was.

Sawyer had always like to draw about her likes. She liked to draw her dislikes, and opinions, and dreams, and just about everything a person feels when they are on the cusp of joining 'the real world'.

She thinks that some people might just see her as a teenage girl who doodles in a notebook, but to her, her work had always meant much more then that.

She draws for herself.

She draws to help her remember and help her forget all at the same time.

And just as much as her love of Art captivated her time, Sawyer loved literature because words fascinate her.

The idea that a piece of work that was written hundreds of years ago can still matter not only to the world around her, but that it can mean so much to her personally, amazes her.

She loves to read Faulkner. The Sound and the Fury is one of her all time favorites. Updike's work has her spinning. And Elliot and Fitzgerald constantly challenge her to question her own life.

When she thinks about it more she knows that her reasons sound a lot like why her parents loved both things so much, but she tries not to dwell on it.

She tries not to think of it like that, because when she leaves for college, Sawyer all but tried to forget her past and what she is leaving behind in the little town she grew up in.

A little town that would always be filled with memories and moments that would stay with her even after left the state line.

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you.
I'll pay any cost,
Save me from being confused.
Show me what I'm looking for...

She tried. She really did.

She tried to never go back to tree hill, the little town she grew up in, the same one her parents lived in for the better part of their lives.

She went away to school. She went all the way to California for goodness sakes! And much to her families disliking never came home for holidays and summers. Hell she never came home period.

She would make up every excuse she could think of to stay away, even when big events seemed to be the perfect excuse to return.

When she got a call from her older cousin six months into the school year, telling her he was getting married that coming summer, she almost booked a flight. Almost.

"Sawyer, you have to be here. Its my Wedding Day. How can I get married without my cousin, who happens to be one of my best friends. I mean really, how can you not make it?"

She eventually convinced him that she couldn't get out of work- she worked part time at a small book store close to campus- that it was just impossible for her to get the time off. Like always, Jamie understood, although it was evident that he was hurt, even if he never said he was.

A year later when her Aunt called her in tears telling her that her Uncle Nathan had collapsed during a morning practice he was coaching, she began to tear up before her Aunt had finished retelling what happened.

As soon as she hung up, she was already packing her bags.

She might of had finals, and of course she never wanted to go back to town, but it was her Uncle-the man who had helped raise her, who she had counted on more times then she could even count-it was no question that she would go home.

She was almost out the door, when her other aunt-the aunt that wasn't technically her aunt, but had been in all the ways that matter-called and let her know it was a false alarm, her Uncle was just fine, and all he needed was a better diet and less stress on his heart.

She began to unpack, relieved that her Uncle is fine and well, but even more happy to know that she wont have to make the dreaded trip home. She reminds herself, going home is inevitable, just for the time being has been put on hold.

There is still a problem though as she puts her jeans back in her dresser and her jacket back in her closet.

She feels guilty, really guilty.

She knows she's being terribly selfish and inconsiderate.

Her family, the people she loves and admires so much, the ones who have been through all of it with her-need her- but…she just cant go back. She won't.

But they know she wont, and that's the tragic part.

So after a few years pass, they don't ask her to anymore, not because they want her too not come, they just know she won't.

Each one of her family at one time or another want to try to reason with her, try to convince her that she still has so much in Tree Hill, but they don't. They know she doesn't quite feel that to be true, and they understand why.

And they also know that Sawyer Scott is not thing but sure of her choices and she is beyond stubborn. She has integrity, and pride. She's smart, and creative and just a little frustrating sometimes.

And honestly she's been hurt more times then her family wish she ever has had to experience. They never mention it, but she's more like her mother sometimes then she'll ever know.

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long.
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse.
Please show me what I'm looking for

She might not have physically set foot in her hometown in over three and a half years, but Sawyer still knows all that goes on in her absent.

She stays in contact with all the people who are important to her. She has a schedule worked out that that ensures she talks daily to someone back in that small town. And even though she might not be there with them everyday, sometimes it feels like she's never left, but in a good way.

She has talks with the people she loves, about things that are less then important, and not once about things that are far too important for a phone call ever brought up, even if they should be.

Every Sunday morning she gets a wake up call from her Grandma Karen.

When Sawyer was eight her Grandma and Aunt Lily returned to Tree Hill, along with Andy. Upon their return, Sawyer's bond with her Grandma grew, and when everything happened with her parents, Grandmother and granddaughter only grew closer.

So even though it might be early when her Grandma calls, really early, and Sunday might be Sawyers only day to sleep in, she never minds. She loves talking to her Grandma about just about anything, so she figures losing a little sleep is worth it. But every Sunday morning when her Grandma asks her how things are going, Sawyer just doesn't have the heart to tell her the truth.

"I'm fine Grandma, really…You have enough to worry about, you don't need to worry about me too.."

Every Sunday when Karen hears her granddaughter tell the exact same thing as the week before, she wants to tell her that shes the only thing she worries about.

Mondays she's riveted by her Aunt's stories about the current artists and musicians that are signed to the now famous record label in town.

The record label that to this day is still named for the unceremonious color of her mother's childhood bedroom. They talk about how great music used to be fifty years ago, even if neither of them were alive back then. Aunt Haley asks about school and work and if any boy has swept her off her feet yet.

But somehow every Monday her Aunt Haley manages to ask how she's doing. How she's really doing. And just like the Monday before, Sawyer answers the same.

"Aunt Haley…I'm fine. Really. I am."

Tuesdays she listens to her Uncle Nathan tell her stories of his old glory days on the court.

He tells her about specific games and plays that change his career, some that quite frankly changed the sport. He tells her about the games he now coaches, and the plays he makes to ensure yet another championship win. And somewhere in all the talk about point averages and greatest number of all time assist, and the potential center he has lined up for next season, he always seems to throw in the same question.

"So how are things going for you? I don't need to punch any boys do I?"

And just like every Tuesday, Sawyer's response is the same laugh and quick reply of:

"No.. Uncle Nate.. I'm fine. Really. I am. No need to resort to violence.."

On Wednesdays it's all about her Uncle Julian.

He loves to retell her stories from whatever set he happens to currently be working on . He always finds out the latest backstage gossip and insider information to share. Apparently nothing ever gets past him, well that according to him.

Each story seems to finish the same, with him reminding her, "I know everything that happens on the set. I've lived it all, and had way more fun doing it too.. Well before Aunt Brooke of course." And every time he tells her that, she can almost hear the grin he is wearing as he says it.

And just like always in between him telling her about who's dating who on set and who said what to who, he asks about her. He asks about how she's doing up there at that school that's 'so far away..' And she always answers the same;

"I'm fine. Really, I am Julian.. Now please get back to the good stuff. Who's dating who now?"

Thursdays its Aunt Brooke's day.

Every Thursday afternoon and well into the evening the two talk about the basics. Well what Aunt Brooke considers the basics; Money. Clothes. Boys.

They usually talk more about the later.

For as long as Sawyer could remember, she has always shared a special relationship with her Aunt Brooke. She has always been completely honest and trusting in her Aunt, and although that fact is something Brooke brags about, Sawyer thinks it's the way it should be. She knows its what her mother would have wanted.

And its because of that connection, that bond, that every week when Brooke asks Sawyer how the world is treating her, how she is doing, how she is really doing, Sawyer gives her the most honest answer.

"I'm doing the best I can.. I'm trying Aunt Brooke…"

The rest of the week, are usually the days Sawyer's on her own. Friday she works till closing at the book store and on Saturdays she spends time studying or with the new friends she has made at Stanford, or every once in a while she'll go out with a boy. Her family understands though. They've always understood.

They get that she is growing up, and she has school and work and new friends and hopefully finding the right boy to love. They understand that she's just trying to find her place in the world, that she's just like every other 21 year old.

They still love to hear from her every week though. To know that she's learning and experiencing new things all the while still being the same amazing girl, now young woman, that she has always been.

Because they know that Sawyer Scott is more then beauty and bright. She's kind and generous and compassionate, and just.. Brilliant. And they all know that she's going to change the world someday.

And the fact that she is so consistent and persistent to call each week, to be so thoughtful…Well they never mention it, but she's more like her father sometimes then she'll ever know.

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you.
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused.
Show me what I'm looking for,
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord...

After four years of hard work, Sawyer Scott graduated from Stanford University with a degree in Art. And a degree in Literature.

Her whole family flew in to see the ceremony.

Dressed in her burgundy cap and gown, she walked across the long platform of dignitaries and faculty members, as a whole row of her family cheered her name and was then handed a piece of paper, and she felt, absolutely nothing.

She should have been happy, or excited, or maybe relieved even. But she didn't.

Honestly she didn't feel like graduating from one of the most best schools in the country was a accomplishment at all, it was just walking in a silly gown and ridiculously looking hat to receive a very expensive piece of paper.

Really she was more happy to see all her family, excited to see then after so long, and just a little relieved that they didn't resent her from staying away from Tree Hill for 4 years.

That's when it hit her, as she walked off the stage, it was like a moment of perfect clarity. She didn't belong in California. She never had.

Of course past four years at school had been good for her. She had been given the chance to grow up and learn and become the person she thought she should be, who she wanted to be. She had learned amazing things, and made some pretty great friends. And that expensive diploma had just made it possible for her to receive a very coveted internship in New York.

But there was another part of her that had missed Tree Hill.

On her first day of class she was touring the campus and a complete stranger bumped into and kept on his way. Not once stopping to apologize. That never would have happened at home. Back in Tree Hill everyone knew everyone, and they were kind and polite. She thinks back now, and she knows that since that very first day she missed home.

But did she really belong in Tree Hill?

It was a question she had asked a lot over the past four years away, when she felt like she was missing all the big events in her family's lives. Every time she never made it home for all the big things, missing the little things like late night basketball with her cousins at the river court, drinking root beer floats on roof top of her Aunt's boutique, or talking town gossip with her Aunts was all the more harder to forget.

But then again she had lost so much there. More then she cared to admit. When she went to California, she didn't tell anyone. She thought that she didnt have too, because her past would have any hold on her future. So she never shared the story. Not to anyone. Its only until that moment on stage as she is walking down the stairs back to her seat does she realized how much it did matter. How much it still does.

It happened when she was fifteen. Almost fifteen and a half actually.

A car accident.

Her parents were coming home from some parent-teacher meeting, and they just, never made it home.

She thinks about that day everyday, the fact that they had to go to that dumb meeting because she had been struggling in Pre-Cal and kept insisting she didn't need any help. Now she is more then willing to admit she needs all the help she can get. Not just in Pre-Cal, but in life in general.

She thought back then that it had been her fault. She still thinks about how unfair life is, and how much her parents still had to do in their own lives.

Everyone tried to convince her that it wasn't her fault, that 'these things just happen', but not for one second did that make her guilt go away. But really how could she not feel that way. Everyone loved her mom and dad, almost as much as she did.

Her mom was this amazing producer that had artists coming from everywhere just to seek her help. She was always so busy, but she never put her career before Sawyer or her Dad. Some of the best times Sawyer ever had was when it was just her and her mom.

Their spontaneous drives in that same black vintage convertible, or when they would sit on the back porch and draw for hours. Her mom was an incredible friend, and aunt, and wife…but to Sawyer she was the greatest Mom.

Then there was Sawyer's dad. She can still remember how they would spend every Saturday together. Waking up extra early and 'sneaking' out of the house to play a game of one-on-one at the river court.

When it came down to it, Sawyer had always been a daddy's girl. She used to love to sit and watch her Dad work. The way he kinked his brow as he watched the players on his team, thinking of a new play just by watching them play or when he would sit at his desk and write. And there was all the people who depended on him. Family, friends, students, Her.

So yes, she knows now that technically she's not responsible for what happened nearly seven years ago, but that just doesn't take away the pain and hurt she still feels.

It was so hard back then. Freshmen girls are supposed to be worried about making it on the cheering squad, and wondering if the older guys even notice you. Not things like funerals and regretting the last things you said to the two people that you loved the most. The two people who mattered the most.

Now things aren't has hard, but it still hurts, it hurts a lot.

Tree Hill might still be filled with family, and amazing memories, like Sunday dinners at her house, or when her and her parents would sit in the living room and listen to music and read together, or the million times she played ball on that old court by the water. But its also filled with never being able to walk past their bedroom without thinking 'what if' and going to the cemetery and passing by so many gravestones that belong to family members.

But really its wishing for them to just be here. For whatever, or whenever she needed them. And that's the hardest part.

She wishes she could just have them back, even if it was for a day. To talk, and laugh, and just be. She still has so many questions, about herself, and about who they were. She doesn't know why it hits her then, maybe because she wishes that on a day like this, they could be here. But if she's being completely honest, not a day goes by when she doesn't think that.

There were so many people still in Tree Hill to answer her questions, to try to fill in what she didn't know, but it wasn't the same.

When she was younger, she just didn't want to hear it. After the accident, she didn't want to know what they had been like at her age. They didn't want to hear 'their story' because back then she was just angry. Angry that they weren't there to tell her these things. That they weren't there for anything, that they would never be again . To Sawyer, no story or memory or lesson learned could bring them back, so it didn't matter much what words were or weren't said.

When the graduation ceremony is over, and Sawyer is rushed by aunts and uncles and cousins and her grandma with teary eyes, and all the happiness and excitement and just plain relief hits her, she starts to think that she is finally ready.

Sawyer thinks she is ready to finally know who her parents were, like more then just being her parents, but like what they were as Lucas and Peyton Scott. Its not like she didn't know her parents, of course she did. She just thinks that maybe she took them for granted a little when they were still here. Like she didn't listen enough or pay attention enough for all the big stuff. The life stuff.

Now though, she wants to hear about all those things. She wants to know what they were like at her age. How they even got together, and stayed together. She wants to hear stories that will probably make her laugh, and some that will make her cry too. Of course it won't be the same hearing from other people who they were, but its taken four years to realize that sometimes, you just have to take what you can get.

So she wants to hear about stuff like her parent's first date. And how her Dad proposed. She wants to read her Dad's books, and listen to the music her Mom helped make, and finally go through all of her Mom's art.

Sawyer hopes that just maybe it will help give her some perspective on her own life. Because to be honest she'd be the first to admit that she is not very.. happy with how things in her life are now. Of course she has always tried to be the person she knows they would want her to be, and she tries her best at being that. She just thinks she could be doing a little better. She knows she can be doing better.

Afterwards as Sawyer and her family are enjoying a celebration dinner at one of her favorite places by school, she finally makes her decision.

Sawyer Scott is going Home.

Wait, I'm wrong,
I can't do better than this.
I'll pay any cost,
Save me from being confused.
Show me what I'm looking for,
Show me what I'm looking for,
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord...

To Be Continued... (song: "Show Me what I'm looking for"-Carolina Liar)