How Stupid Can I Be?

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Goodnight, Gail.

Those words echoed in my head long after my shift had ended, long after I found myself somehow at home, in bed, staring at the ceiling.

Goodnight, Gail.

And I thought about going to sleep but then instead I was going through everything in my mind over and over, every interaction we'd ad today because I had to pick apart every excruciating detail of my life. I'm Gail Peck. That's what I do.

I probably shouldn't have tried to convince Rodney to do the thumb, to leave Holly alone, out of this whole thing. But I also wish that I'd tried harder or that he hadn't been a complete and utter failure and incompetent. He was probably older than Holly! He should be capable of getting a print from a thumb for fucks sake.

Truth was, I hadn't been ready to see Holly. Or rather, I was ready. I desperately wanted to see her. And I underline, bold, and capitalise the word desperately. But I'd hurt Holly and I'd stayed away and that had hurt her even more and I couldn't, I didn't…I never wanted to hurt Holly. Ever. But I'd started to feel things and I was scared and then hurt and then I'd done something stupid and I couldn't take it back and I didn't know how to apologise and every time my phone flashed with the name Holly I could feel my stomach twisting and my heart pounding so hard that I was afraid I would die. And every time, just when I was thinking about reaching out and just getting it over and done with because really, who cared if I died anyway, Holly was gone and my phone was silent.

But back to the matter at hand. Analysing every stupid thing I'd ever done.

Izzy Shaw. Teenage delinquent. Stupid, I berated myself. Why did I always blurt out stupid jokes? They weren't even funny. And in that breathy, high-pitched way that made it way too obvious that I couldn't breathe properly. But was Holly fazed at all? No. She was cool and professional. She was the best. So she'd just said, cool as anything, 'no food or drink' and

It's so good to see you. What was that? Oh, right. Stupid. That's what that was. Because it really, really was. It had been deliriously good to see her. It was sunlight and rainbows and a fucking child-angel choir singing good to see her and then I realised it was bad. Very bad. Because I remembered I'd been stupid and we weren't together anymore and we weren't happy and I was still smiling like an idiot – when did I ever start smiling at people? Never. It was painful. It didn't feel right. Maybe that's why Holly ignored me – and in turn my completely uncomfortable smile – in favour of the thumb.

Plus, you know, she was doing her job.

Plus, the thumb was kind of cool in a gory, disgusting way that I liked because I'm me and weird and Holly liked because puzzles were her favourite thing in the world. God. Puzzles. Holly was such a dork. My dork. No, not my dork anymore because I am a stupid idiot who said stupid things and did stupid things and smiled stupidly to cover up the fact that I was awkward and weird and I felt like I was in physical pain from being in such close proximity to Holly and knowing that I had to fix it but just not knowing how. And I really need to find a new adjective because stupid wasn't cutting it any more.

Yup. That is a thumb. Way to go, genius. I decided to resort to mental sarcasm, scolding myself. Because calling myself a genius sarcastically is exactly the same as calling myself stupid. Which is what I am, having told the incredibly smart, holder of like seven billion degrees Doctor Holly Stewart something that she clearly already knew. And then Holly had said some mumbo-jumbo about rehydration that she knew I knew nothing about and instead of explaining it to me with that cute, excited smile because science was fascinating to her and she was happy to explain it, she walked out. Leaving me to watch her go. Which I did. And then that kid said 'you two used to bone' and I remembered that, oh joy, there was someone else there to witness every second of my humiliation and stupidity and I felt myself shutting down ice-cold.

And Holly had done her thing, getting us a print, and I did yet another stupid thing. Big surprise. I actually really liked kids, you know? And if Holly hadn't spent the last god knows how long completely ignoring me and doing her work and not caring that I was there and using all her big fancy medical words instead of Gail-speak that she used to do, and if I hadn't then been staring wistfully after Holly and feeling like I was being ripped apart every second that I stood there and wasn't apologising, wasn't touching her arm, wasn't getting even a single tiny bit of eye contact or something to tell me that we were going to talk, that Holly was prepared to give me a little leeway or just a minute opportunity… anyway. I wouldn't have said anything cruel to Izzy at all, if I hadn't been freaking out. She was a nice enough girl with a devious streak that I admired. But babysitting and mournful longing really didn't go together, especially when the 'baby' was like sixteen years old and could tell you to your face that you were being a stupid idiot.

And I'd thanked Holly. And smiled. And Izzy had been lingering behind me but I had to do something because Holly was right there and if I didn't do something then, I would have left and I would probably never go back of my own volition so then and there was the best time I was going to get.

And I was presumptuous. Talking about going out. Drink. Apologising. Never actually saying the words but making damn sure that Holly knew I was trying. Stupid idea, really. The stupidest. Not trying, that wasn't stupid, that part was something I had to do. It was the waiting. It was the walking out on her and not apologising straight away, or the day after, or anytime that Holly had called me – as Holly said to my face, cutting me down into tiny, regret filled little pieces just like I deserved. And of course she was seeing someone.

Because Holly was amazing.

And Holly wasn't stupid. Cut you loses. She'd tried, I would gladly give her a point for that. She'd tried to work with me but know she knew what I was like and she moved on. Good. Holly was happy so I was happy.

I wasn't happy. But Izzy had gone and I'd screamed after her and that was stupid, letting the girl leave. I'd literally been given one job and failed at that. More proof of my rapidly growing idiocy. I mean, I found her but losing her in the first place wasn't good.

Brought you a thumb, Holly had said in greeting. And then, because she was sweet and thoughtful and a good person, did you find her? knowing that stupid Gail had lost a girl. But yes, I'd found Izzy but I couldn't let Holly know, could I? Even if Holly had wanted to hear from me, which surely she didn't, it wasn't appropriate. She'd moved on and being texted by an ex wasn't fun. Plus, what would I have said? Found the girl I'd lost because I was an asshole to her. Have a good shift? And then Holly was funny and kidding around like everything was fine and her eyes – I'd always thought they were so beautiful, so expressive – begged at me please Gail just let it go, joke with me, everything is fine just let me go.

And I, stupid Gail, opened my stupid mouth and let stupid truths drop out like they mattered at all.

I still act that age. Come on, it's true. I tried to say it lightly but I knew that my eyes were showing anything but light or joking. And I'd looked away because I couldn't keep eye contact. Holly looked uncomfortable so I couldn't look at her while I said it. I needed to say it because it was true and at the very least Holly deserved this truth. I'm, I'm impetuous. I'm self-destructive. I'm a brat. And Holly tried to interrupt and I just, god I remember being so terrified that if I didn't get it out I never would.

It's not okay. And I don't wanna end up a sad, sorry woman who… I didn't know the right words. I didn't know them but the moment was ending and I had to say something, even if it wasn't good enough. Who threw away the most wonderful person she's ever met.

And Holly had smiled at me and said Goodnight Gail and walked away and I watched her leave and then I drifted into the locker room, threw up in the toilet, changed into my day clothes and found myself at home.

And it was stupid, I realised alone in my room with the lights off and cocooned in my blankets, to think that anything would have changed because I'd finally admitted that I was wrong. Because we'd both known that already.

Too little too late, right? Holly had moved on and left me and the worst part was that I had no one to blame but myself. The only thing I could possibly blame her for was not believing me when I told her I would ruin this, us, and bring us down. But that, again, wasn't her fault.

Nick. Nick I could blame for leaving me and for falling in love with Andy and not breaking up with me like a decent human being. Chris I could blame for not trusting me when I told him there was nothing between me and Dov. For telling me more recently that I'm a cold lesbian and I have no regard for people's feelings. I could blame Dov for reminding me that I was an uncertain sexuality and mediocre compared to the brilliant Holly Stewart. I had my mother to blame for incredible self-doubt, terrifying Pecks-pectations, and abandonment issues.

And I only had me to blame for stupidly, stupidly letting Holly go.

Dov woke me with a sharp rapping on the door. "Come on, Gail! We're going to be late if you don't get up right now." He banged again when he didn't hear any movement and I obediently grunted to let him know I was awake.

There was coffee and a stale something pastry-ish for me when I got into the car. No Chris though.

"Chris sick again?" I asked around a mouthful of an ambiguous pastry. Dov scowled at the road.

"Something like that."

"This about why he's super jumpy and untrustworthy and probably on drugs?" I said off-hand. Then Dov scowled harder and his hands clenched on the steering wheel and I remembered one, his brother had been on drugs and killed himself so I probably should have censored myself a little and two, he didn't disagree which meant… "Crap."

"Gail," he said warningly.

"What is it?"

"Gail."

"What is it?"

Dov glanced my way and I let him know with my iciest of icy stares that I wasn't going to let this go. "Coke."

"Fuck." He nodded. I nodded. We had to do something. "Shit. Okay. I'll make some calls."

His hand whipped out towards me and latched onto my bicep, hard enough to leave a bruise. "No, Gail, we can't. He's got to do this by himself. And we can't let anyone know – he's a cop."

"He's also our friend. And I'm not stupid. If you would give me a second, I would have told you that someone owes me a favour, I wasn't going to name Chris, and of course I would help you bully him into doing this by himself. I'm a cop too, Dov, and I'm not an idiot." He probably would have understood all of that from a simple 'oh shut up' but I felt the need to say all of it. I was working on my communication skills. All part of being a better person or whatever. Also I was still feeling antsy over the whole 'I'm a stupid idiot who let the best thing in my life go' so I was determined to at least not let my best friend destroy himself.

"Okay," Dov sighed, letting me go. "I know. Sorry. I'm just…"

"Yeah. Me too."

I survived two more rants from Dov "he's a cop", "I just don't understand", "how could he do this?", "why didn't he talk to us?" and then fled when we reached the station. Parade was in five.

I checked the board and tried not to be too relieved when I wasn't paired with Dov. It was easy because I was paired with Nick and as much as I didn't quite hate him anymore I still wasn't overly fond.

"Hey. You and me today, partner." He smiled. I didn't smile. I wasn't a smiler. Unless, of course, I counted the time that I smiled atrociously and uncomfortably at Holly and since that didn't work out – it was creepy and weird and, as I mentioned before, uncomfortable, so of course it didn't work out – I had decided I was never smiling ever again.

"Yay," I said flatly. "You and me."

It all happened in a bit of a blur. We were answering a call. Stepping out of the squad. And then I couldn't hear anything because something was too loud. And I could see Nick's mouth moving but he wasn't saying anything, why wasn't he saying anything? And then I could only see the sky and hey that cloud looked a bit like a puppy. And that's when I realised something was wrong. Because I had never in my life likened a cloud to a puppy.

That was when I felt the pain in my skull. From hitting the ground, most likely. And then it was like a rush, starting from my head and moving down my body and I could think and hear and feel properly. Immediately, I wished I couldn't.

Because my first thought was fuck. I've been shot.

Because the first thing I heard was the ringing in my ears and the thumping of my pulse and Nick's worried voice asking me to look at him, look at me Gail, Gail, look at me! And officer down, I repeat an officer has been shot. Requesting back up. Shooter has not been apprehended.

Because the first thing I felt, after the pounding in my head, was white-hot pain and then cold and then hot and then cold again and then not enough oxygen in my lungs and a gasping, drowning sensation that I knew was shock and fear and Nick's hands pressing down on me.

And my last conscious thought was Stupid. Should have stayed in bed.

Continue? Let me know. I just had to write this after the new episode. I hope I did okay. Happy reading, readers :)