Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the songs Taylor Swift sings.
Setting: During New Moon. They're broken up.
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Chapter One
- Breathe -
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Edward POV
It was one of those rare times I was going to visit my family. I could barely even bring myself to face them anymore. The raw pain in Carlisle and Esme's faces when they see me, the sadness in my adoptive siblings, and the pity in Rosalie's – all of it – just made it harder to bear.
I had left her. She was safe now. She had probably moved on – she was human after all, and human hearts will mend.
My dead heart clenched in pain at the thought, even though I was the one who had left her. Bella – my Bella – with someone else? I tried to convince myself it didn't matter to me anymore, that I'd never see her again, that it was better for her if she wasn't with me.
But Bella was special, a part of my argued. She wasn't like any other human. She didn't shy away from us, she wasn't afraid, she was so brave, so warm, so loving … if she was so different from other humans, then surely her heart wouldn't mend like a normal humans, that voice said.
Edward will be here soon, Esme's thoughts rushed into my head, snapping me from my inner conflict. I hope he's okay … poor boy … it's tearing him up. I wish he would see things clearly … my poor Edward.
I felt a pang of guilt flow through me as I listened to her motherly thoughts. She was right – this was tearing me apart. It was like I had left part of myself with Bella and all that was left was this shell. I did what I had to do, nothing more. I didn't socialise anymore. I didn't laugh – I hadn't even smiled since I'd last been with Bella. Or, more accurately, the days before her birthday. I know I had hurt her in those last few days together. We'd hardly talked – I had forced myself to be cool and distant … I'd watch the pain in her face grow daily, felt it wrenching me apart inside.
I shook my head, hoping to clear it, but of course it was no use.
I could smell the trails left by Carlisle, Esme, Jasper and Alice around the house. Rosalie and Emmett's trails were much older, telling me they had came to visit the family days ago since they were living by themselves as husband and wife.
He's here … Alice said he would come today, but I didn't think he would … Edward, Carlisle's mind called. I'm so glad to see you. We've all missed your presence sorely.
Another wave of guilt.
Edward! Edward! Edward! Alice thought excitedly. Then her thoughts turned disapproving. You haven't even changed your clothes since last time! What am I going to do with you? I could tell she wasn't really bothered by it though – she was trying to give me some semblance of normal, to brush past the worry and desperation churning insider of her. To distract herself. I felt my mood slip further.
I jumped up onto the balcony instead of going around the back. I opened the double glass doors and slipped inside the house. It was much like the house we had in Forks and it instantly sent another fresh wave of pain crashing through me as I remembered all the memories I shared with Bella in that house, holding her, making her laugh, kissing her, the red stain of her blush on her cheeks as I complimented her … Once the memories started it was hard to stop them.
"Edward!" Esme exclaimed, appearing before me and dragging me temporarily out of my depression. "You're here!" She pulled me into a motherly embrace.
"I've missed you!" Alice said as she bounded up and hugged me to. It's just not the same without you, her thoughts added sadly.
"Edward," Carlisle clapped me on the back. "Nice to see you, son."
"How have you been?" Esme asked as she towed me downstairs, the others all following anxiously, and trying to hide it.
I couldn't tell her how I was really feeling. Even if I wanted too I couldn't put that emptiness into words. So I lied politely, "Very well, thankyou." She frowned at me but let it pass.
I sat down on the couch, more out of habit than need. They all talked while I mainly listened. I was to hurt to contribute much. I had sat with my Bella on this couch. She had curled up against my side, despite the chill of my body, and fallen asleep. Was I just imagining it or was there a faint trace of her irresistible, throat-burning scent left on this lounge?
"See if there's something on," Alice told Jasper. He reached over and picked up the black shiny television remote. It contrasted sharply against his alabaster hand. He pushed the red power button and the plasma flickered into life. I sighed and turned my attention back to Esme and Carlisle
But what the host of MTV was saying straight away caught my attention. " . . . Bella Swan's hit Breathe coming up next."
"What?" I rasped out, not sure I had heard correctly. Bella Swan? My Bella? My voice was half strangled and laced with pain. Esme shot me a pained look.
"I'm not sure," Alice said, frowning. "I haven't seen anything from Bella in awhile. You told me not to look." She looked pointedly at me.
Bella Swan. Her name sent jots of raw pain through me. It was the first time anyone had said her name around me since – I clenched my teeth. No one had even so much as thought it.
"It could be someone else," Esme suggested. "There may be another Bella Swan."
"Bella didn't strike me as the singing type," Jasper said. He sent soothing waves of calmness at me. They only partially worked.
"We'll have to wait and see," Carlisle finally said.
We were all quiet for the next few minutes. Jasper did his best to try to soothe us but it wasn't working particularly well. I listened to their anxious thoughts to keep my mind off my own thoughts. My Bella. I was probably going to see my Bella. The thought sent warmth through me as if I was climbing through her window again instead of waiting for a video clip on MTV.
"Here's Breathe, sung and written by Bella Swan," the bubbly host said and the screen dissolved into the music video. I was no longer breathing. It was my Bella. I'd recognise her anywhere. The sight of her sent mixed feelings coursing through my unbeating heart.
And then the song started and my dead heart broke again with a pain I could never have imagined. It was worse then anything I had ever experienced, and I had been through hell and back since I'd left her. It was so much worse because I could hear her pain, the meaning, in her voice and words.
I see your face in my mind as you walk away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm,
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm,
Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh
I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
She was sorry? I thought. I nearly smiled. She hadn't changed – always shouldering the burden on her own, even if she hadn't done anything wrong and it wasn't hers to bear. But I'd put that burden there and all traces of a smile vanished. Her song, Breathe, told me that she was feeling exactly how I was feeling – torn, empty, dead. She felt that constant, ever present, raw pain.
My dry sob echoed through the room. If I could cry, I would have been. I'd never felt like crying so much in all my years, human and immortal.
"Oh, Edward," Esme said sadly.
"Edward …" Carlisle said. "She …"
Another dry sob. I couldn't keep it in. I didn't care, either, what my family thought of me in that moment. I only had one thing on my mind. "Bella …" No one seemed to know what to say. I could hear their thoughts, though.
The poor girl, Esme thought. She must have been crushed. Oh, Bella, Edward.
They feel the same way. It's tearing them both apart, Jasper thought. I bet if I were near Bella now, she would feel exactly like Edward. I didn't need my ability to hear the pain in her voice … I quickly shut his voice out of my head. I already knew what he was thinking and it was tearing me apart.
"Alice," I begged, picking up in her thoughts. . "Please don't."
"But Edward –"
"It's better for her. I'm dangerous. She'll get hurt," I said, throwing the same excuses at them as always. But I could feel my resolve weakening … I didn't know whether to feel despair or to be overjoyed.
"Edward," Carlisle said softly. "She's already hurt. You can fix that."
I dropped my head into my hands. I could feel myself shaking. "Fine. Do it, Alice," I told her.
Alice sighed and I listened to her thoughts as she searched for Bella's future. I gasped. She gasped. Bella was lying in her bed on her side, huddled in a ball, sobs racking her body, red eyes and tears streaming down her beautiful face. The vision dissolved.
I couldn't stop the dry sobs and shaking now. As if from a great distance, Jasper's voice reached me as he asked Alice what her vision was.
"She was lying in her bed, crying and sobbing," she told them. And then she mentioned things I had failed to notice. "She's underweight and has dark circles under her eyes. She looks like hell."
Alice turned to me. "You have to go back to her, Edward. It's killing you both."
"We're not dying . . ." I protested weakly, but mentally I was wondering if it was true. That image of Bella . . .
"On the inside you are," murmured Esme. "Edward, we all know you want to. We all now see she needs you back. Go back to Bella, Edward. If not for yourself, then for her."
I flinched away from my mother. I couldn't help it and I regretted it as soon as I saw the pain in her eyes. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "It's just . . ."
She reached over and placed an arm around my shoulders. "I know."
We sat in silence for a while. I knew they knew I was thinking. I could go back, I could be happy, I could be with Bella, make her happy . . . my heart nearly burst at the prospect. Or I could stay away, and I'd feel empty, she'd be left crying herself to sleep. But she'd be safe, safe from me, my world . . . I was selfish though, and my chest tightened at the prospect of another moment without Bella.
"I don't know," I whispered. "I just don't know what to do."
"Edward," Jasper said. "You need to go back."
"She'll forgive you," Alice added. "I know it." I knew from her mind though that she hadn't seen anything. I was doubtful. After what I had done . . . but Alice was firm in her belief.
"We can't bear to see you like this any longer," Carlisle whispered.
I listened to Alice's thoughts as she searched my future, then Bella's. In my future I saw myself roaming a forest pointlessly, much like I had been since I had left Bella. Bella was still curled up, sobbing, broken. I needed to do something to change that. Then suddenly the image shifted as I subconsciously changed my mind. Now I saw myself driving, at more then twice the speed limit towards Fork's.
"Oh, Edward," Alice said and threw her arms around me. "It'll be okay. I know it."
"What?" Jasper asked. He must be going back, he thought.
"He's going back."
"When?" Esme asked, eyes bright with hope.
When? I'd already decided to return to my Bella … how could I not when I'd seen her lying like that, broken, in pain, all because of me? I wanted to fix that, make her smile again, make her happy, make her feel loved.
"Soon. Now. I can't leave her like that . . ." I said, the image from Alice's vision dancing behind my eyes. I shuddered. "I did that to her." I was appalled with myself.
"Take my car," Carlisle offered. "It has the darker tinting and I filled the tank yesterday."
I nodded. I felt determination settle in my alongside the fear and hope. That desperate, desperate, hope. "I will." I ran out the back and jumped into Carlisle's car, grabbing the keys out of his outstretched hand as I went by. I turned the key and the engine roared to life.
I'll get my Edward back. He'll be okay, she'll be okay, everything will be okay, Esme thought, ecstatic.
Good luck, Edward, Jasper thought.
Edward, just be cautious. She wont be expecting you and you're not as accustomed to her blood as you used to be. It may as well be as bad as that very first time you saw her at the high school. Be careful.
"I will, Carlisle," I said. "Thankyou, Jasper."
"Tell Bella I said hello," Alice shouted as I drove away. I drove on and on without stopping. I was going at more than twice the speed limit, feeling satisfied and anxious as the miles between Bella and I disappeared under my tires. I was greatly annoyed when I had to slow down to the speed limit when a police car was on the side of the road. I needed to get to my Bella; I didn't have time to go at human pace.
As soon as I was past the police officer, I was flying along the blacktop faster then before. I turned on the radio and flicked between stations until a song caught my attention – I'd only heard it once but I new that from now on I'd know every line for the rest of my existence. My Bella had written it, sung it. Breathe. Pain laced through me again. Every word was because of me. I put her threw this pain …
Night came and went and not once did I stop driving, except to get petrol. I didn't stop until I was at the turn off for Forks. I pulled onto the shoulder of the road and rested my head against the wheel. What was I going to say? I would tell her I lied, tell her the truth, but what would she say? How would see react? What would she think?
I smiled bitterly. I had no idea how she would react – everything about her was unique. But I couldn't help the anxiety, pain, fear and the slight dread that I felt. What if she didn't want me back? The thought was unbearable, but acceptable. After all, just look at what I had done . . .
I turned back onto the road to distract me from my thoughts. This time I drove at the speed limit but it didn't matter. I was parking on the curve outside of Bella's house within minutes.
I listened for Charlie's thoughts. He wasn't home. It was Saturday morning after all, I thought to myself. He's probably fishing.
I could hear a guitar being played somewhere. The song was sad. It took me a moment to realise it came from the Swan residence. That meant Bella must be home . . .
I pulled myself out of the car. I was nearly happy. I was so filled with hope that I felt like Bella had already accepted me. I walked towards her front door, breathing deeply, preparing myself.
And then the scent hit me: it was as strong and appealing as ever, setting my throat on fire and adrenaline coursing through my body. I ignored my predator's reactions and knocked on the front door, hopeful, fearful, feeling everything under the sun all at once.
The guitar cut off upstairs abruptly. I heard thumping as someone walked downstairs. I felt as if my unbeating heart had suddenly leapt for my throat. "Coming!" I heard Bella's voice call and then I heard the sound of her falling down the last few steps and her cursing under her breath.
I wasn't breathing anymore. My muscles were tensed. My heart, I'm sure, would've been pounding like a freight train if it still beat. I heard the lock slide back in the door and heard the doorknob twist. I could smell her intoxicating scent from here. She was very nearly irresistible.
The door slid back and revealed my Bella. She was rail thin and had bags under her eyes, just as Alice had said before. She looked completely different to how she had looked in the music video. She looked like she did in Alice's vision. Actually, now that I took in her clothing, I realised she was wearing the same clothes. Jeans and a dull grey jumper.
I heard her sharp intake of breath and pain pierced my heart like ice shards when I saw the raw hurt in her eyes. Her mouth dropped open in shock and she clutched the doorframe, shaking uncontrollably. Tears streamed from her pain filled eyes and she open and closed her mouth, trying to say something. I waited for her to say something, anything. But she didn't. She just stumbled back and leant against the wall, slowly sinking to the ground and looking up at me with tears running down her cheeks.