The streets of New York were lovely, always filled with illumination despite the fact that they were embraced by night. All different colors glowed and sparkled against the dark, glassy pavement beneath his feet. All those lights shone around him as he stood still in the middle of the road, but he felt only the darkness around them, as if they weren't even there. It didn't matter that they reflected off his tear tracks and illuminated his pale skin. The light couldn't touch him right now. He played the words over again in his head, as though that would make them change form into something he could accept.
"Blaine! I just got out of Voice & Speech! You will not believe what our professor had us-"
"Kurt."
The voice wasn't anything. It wasn't anger or sadness or exasperation or- or anything that he could have expected. But it wasn't joy or excitement or determination or the hint of a smile Blaine always seemed to talk with either. It was nothing. It was apathy, and it left no room for argument, because why argue with someone who doesn't care? It was horrible and left an icy feeling of apprehension somewhere deep inside.
"B-Blaine?" Kurt asked, and hated how scared a word could make him. He hated how anyone could hear the tremor in his voice, though he could make it sound so flawless onstage despite the adrenaline and nervousness pumping through him. He hated the pause before Blaine answered in that same, distressing tone.
"I can't do this anymore."
"What?"
"I can't do us anymore. I can't handle not seeing you and touching you and looking into your eyes every day. I can't stand not singing with you in the car and not going for coffee dates and ordering for each other and splitting cookies. I can't do it. It's over."
"Blaine, why? We thought- it's only for a little while and-" Kurt said, almost incoherent because how could Blaine say that in that voice like he absolutely didn't care? All he heard was, "I can't, I can't, I can't," over and over again?
"Kurt," Blaine replied, "It's only been two months and I'm already going crazy without you! When did I become this dependent on you? I just- I can't anymore. Goodbye."
And there it was. The faltering in Blaine's voice and the shift in his tone that proved there were emotions somewhere behind that wall he was using to hold them back. It was only there for a split-second before it morphed back into apathy, almost like it hadn't even existed in the first place, but it did. Knowing it was there and was so easily erased, did that make it better or worse? The click of disconnection rang in Kurt's ears, so much more than a simple noise. It was like the end of everything.
That was a week ago, and he still didn't know what happened, still couldn't stop going over it repeatedly, hoping for something to make sense. The words turned to gibberish in his head because, to him, the only thing that made perfect sense anymore was Kurt and Blaine. Together. Apart, they- they made nothing, and he couldn't wrap his brain around the concept.
He'd called and called and called again, trying Blaine's cell number and his home number and once, desperately, even Blaine's father's cell phone. No one answered. He'd sat listless through his classes, not paying attention, pouring words back and forth through his mind, jumbling them and putting them right again without them saying anything different. He felt like his heart wasn't even broken, just- away, together with the logic that would make everything fall into place. And so he stood, in the middle of the road, feeling like something should have come back to him by now, replacing the dark emptiness. A song came unbidden to his lips, overdone and familiar, but somehow it was perfect. Maybe he didn't know what perfect was anymore. His basis for comparison was shattered. When he sang, the song was slower and more forlorn than he'd ever heard it. It didn't even sound like it was coming from him. But it was there, and it was real.
And now I'm all alone again, nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to
Why was he here, all by himself without anyone he cares about, so far from home? (Blaine), his father, (Blaine), his stepmother and stepbrother, (Blaine), and even Rachel were back in Ohio, Rachel having made what Kurt thought was the biggest mistake of her life by rejecting NYADA to be with Finn. Maybe his was coming here, alone. Leaving Blaine. Causing this to happen.
And now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here
Kurt certainly knew him well to picture him, knew every inch of his body better than his own and all of his little personality quirks and the way his eyes lit up when Kurt smiled that made Kurt want to kiss him over and over again- until they both ran out of breath and had to lie still, holding each other and gasping. It was so easy to pretend he was here, body heat radiating from an arm around Kurt's waist, lovely words whispered into his ear together with lips quirked upwards against his neck. But it was so hard, because Kurt knew exactly what the real Blaine felt like, and it couldn't even compare to anything his imagination put in place.
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
There were plenty of people walking through the streets. There always are. But Kurt's eyes looked through each and every one of them. He didn't know them, they didn't care about him, and he felt more alone than he ever had before, even though he'd been in the city for months. It was worse than middle school, after everyone had begun to taunt him for his differences and before any had bothered to overlook them. It hurt, and he wasn't the type to be easily hurt anymore.
I think of him and them I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside… my… head…
His head was a mess, a whirlwind of confusion and regret and sorrow tearing through it, making it inhospitable, but at least Blaine was there, like he wasn't in reality. Was it worth the buffeting to find himself there? Was it worth being bombarded with emotions he had a habit of burying?
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he's found me
Blaine had always found him. Ever since that first day on the staircase. Kurt always thought that he had found Blaine, that finally life had handed him something amazing, but he saw the truth now. Blaine was the one who had discovered him and led him, hand in hand through the hallways, then through the worst time in Kurt's life. Blaine had found his weak spots and instead of pressing on them with intentions to break he touched them and cherished them, building them up and exposing his own in return. Blaine had found him after prom and given him enough courage to go back in, despite probably being terrified himself. Blaine had found him with Advil and a kind smile after he'd been shoved into lockers and kind words after being tormented with jeers. Blaine had, simply found him. He'd said, "Oh there you are, I've been looking for you forever." Kurt wondered what would happen to that forever part. Would Blaine look for him again, or would the word fall by the wayside, like so many other broken promised Kurt had received?
In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights
Are misty in the river
In the darkness
The trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me
Forever and forever
Kurt hadn't mentioned it, but he'd had a whole beautiful future planned out for them in his head. They'd talked about it- just speculation and things mentioned in passing- how many kids they might want and where they would get married and where they would live. He hadn't expected everything to happen, but it had always been their future he saw in his head, no matter how often it changed. He didn't know what to do with his future, when half of what he'd planned wasn't applicable, and the other half had lost its gleam of excitement and expectation in his head.
And I know
It's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him
And although
I know that he is blind
Still I say
There's a way for us
There had to be a way to fix this. A single phone call couldn't end what had been the dearest part of his life for upwards of a year and a half. He didn't think he would be able to get used to "single" instead of "taken" and not talking about Blaine and noticing what he would and wouldn't like. But what could Kurt do, without talking? What could he do, hundreds of miles away and in the middle of his semester? He could just- get on a plane, drive, drop in from a helicopter screaming, "I love you." But he absolutely couldn't.
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
Strangers, previously walking past on their own business, were staring at him, wondering why he had those tears pouring down his cheeks. Wondering why he wasn't moving. Wondering why he was there, in the middle of the road, ruining their perfectly good city night. He would have too. But the lights, once his favorite part of the city, didn't seem to really matter anymore, nor did the people walking through and past them. The world had seemed less vibrant the past week, like all the color had somehow been contained in the words rolling off Blaine's tongue every day when he called.
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have ever known
Those lines in the song- something broke. The song wasn't perfect anymore. It wasn't right. He had been happy; so many times that he couldn't count, most of them with Blaine. He'd been the happiest in his life over the past two years he'd known Blaine, even when things had turned awful that time during his junior year. And with that indefinable shattering, something returned to him, something that felt a lot like perspective he didn't quite know he'd lost.
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own
The notes didn't fall in tune like the rest, sounding odd and feeble in the night air. He didn't even really want to sing them, but Kurt Hummel always finished a song- at least that's how he hoped to be known. The one that didn't get stopped in the middle. The one that the director chose to play the part, because no one else could even compare. Breaking up with Kurt because he couldn't stand him not being there every day- Blaine had to still love him. Kurt looked around at the people, a different set than before- New York was always moving, and wiped at his still-falling tears, smearing then across his cheeks. He spared a brief glance for the lights around him before walking back to his tiny, empty apartment and turning on his laptop.
He stared at the cost of the plane tickets for a second longingly, then snorted and closed the tab. Instead he opened a new one, inspired. After thinking for a long time about what he could say, he clicked the order button.
Irises weren't Blaine's favorite flower, or Kurt's, but in his visions of the future, they'd always been sitting on the kitchen table in a long, clear vase, white and red and brilliant purple lighting up the pale room. He'd sent them to Blaine's address with a simple, one-line note, "I miss you and I still love you," and no signature, but assumed Blaine would know who was behind them. It occurred to him a little while later that it might hurt Blaine, reminding him, not leaving him alone during the breakup, but he was crying alone in the streets of New York less than an hour ago and he decided Blaine could deal with it.
There were never any calls or return notes, and at first he worried about the flowers not being delivered to Blaine, or Blaine somehow hating irises and Kurt having ruined any chances he may have had by sending them. Soon, though, he stopped expecting anything happen. Later, he stopped hoping. Eventually, he even stopped thinking about it- mostly.
He looked around anxiously as the incoming freshmen signed in the next year, unsure as to what he was doing. Why was he here? Why did he stand up a little straighter each time he noticed a shock of curly, dark hair in the crowd, slumping back down in disappointment when it wasn't the one he was looking for? He and Blaine had talked about attending the same school in what was surely another lifetime- it seemed so long ago. Kurt didn't know if Blaine had gotten in. He didn't even know if he'd applied; they hadn't spoken in almost a year. Would the presence of an ex-boyfriend turn Blaine away? Did he ever really want to go here in the first place, or was it just to be with Kurt? With each disappointment Kurt became more and more discouraged, eventually heading back to his apartment and burying his face in the downy pillows of his couch.
Almost asleep, he nearly didn't hear the tentative knock on his door. He groaned as he stood up, rubbing his eyes blearily as he walked towards the entryway, pulling the door open. He barely took in a bunch of irises dropping to the floor before arms were wrapped tight around him and a face was buried into his neck and, oh, he still remembered exactly how those arms felt. They were finally real again, hot and wonderfully extant against his skin.
The familiar mouth pressed against his neck whispered, in a voice so full of feeling it almost hurt to listen to, "Oh Kurt, I'm so sorry."