Something was wrong with Cas. He noticed it a while ago, about 2 months after he had professed his love for Dean and they had finally started seeing each other. He had woken up shivering and fevered, chills running down his spine and goosebumps erupting on his skin. He didn't tell Dean of this, however. It was probably nothing. But as it happened more often and the fevers became more frequent (with aches beginning to spring up in his muscles, sometimes rendering him immobile) Cas was getting worried. He had researched as best as he could, asking the few angels he was still on good terms with for information with no luck, all the while keeping it from his lover. Dean worried too often anyway; Cas needn't add this on top of it. So Cas had tried to ignore it, figuring his vessel would heal eventually and it was a passing illness. He sometimes wondered if Dean could see through him, however, not missing the worried glances he gave him from time to time, but Cas sincerely hoped not.
Still, it came as a bit of a shock to Cas when his head started to spin when he showed up in their motel room while Sam was gone. The transport had him feeling a bit sick and he leaned against the wall, not aware of just how bad he looked. He stumbled over to Dean, who stood up immediately at the sight of him. He opened his mouth to reassure his lover and ended up collapsing into his arms, the dizziness finally getting to him.
"Cas?" Dean's head shot up as he heard the familiar flutter of wings. "Cas!" His question turned into an exclamation of fear and concern as he rushed towards the angel, terrified of how sick he looked. "Cas?!" Fucking great vocabulary you got there, Winchester, A+ "Cas!" But it was all he could say as the angel fell against him, making him stumble to his knees. "Cas, wake up!" There, finally some real words, fear lacing every letter. "Cas, are you okay?! Talk to me! Cas!" No response. He hauled Cas to the bed somehow, getting him settled and then looking for his phone so he could call every goddamn person he knew until someone fixed his angel.
Cas took a few minutes, but he managed to bring himself out of unconsciousness. He stirred slightly and licked his lips, swallowing thickly before he spoke, "Dean?" he asked, his voice barely audible. He was laying down now, his head no longer spinning but a dull throbbing emerging instead. He was covered in a thin layer of sweat, and his muscles ached. He was having another one of his fits. Cas gripped the sheets tightly as he became aware of his shivering, gritting his teeth as he tried to control it. The effort was futile, and Cas cursed internally; great, there was no hiding from Dean now. He put a hand to his forehead, trying to cool off the skin while also hiding his expression from the hunter.
"Cas!" Dean practically threw himself down next to the bed, hanging up on Sam mid-hello. His brother could wait. "Cas, are you okay? What's wrong? You scared me half to death." He talks fast, hands moving restlessly as he looks for something to do to help and comes up empty handed.
"Wet a rag," Cas mumbled, another wave of violent shudders rolling through him. He had found that it usually helped his fever die down, whenever Cas could get to any source of water in the middle of one of them. He didn't answer Dean's question, finding it best not to let him know just how much pain he was in. Cas tried in vain to get a grip on himself, his breath starting to come out in short gasps.
Dean jumped up and did as he was told, soaking a rag in cold water and rolling it up, pressing it to Cas' forehead gently. "You're burning up." He frowned, knowing he sounded like a clingy girlfriend and not caring. "Cas, how long have you been sick? Why didn't you come to me? Jesus, Cas… I was so scared." Am. He should say am, not was, because the fear is still clogging his throat but he tries to swallow it down and focus on Cas, because the angel needs him right now, so he'll give whatever he can.
"I did not wish to worry you," Cas answered slowly, sighing as the rag was pressed to his forehead. He put his hand over Dean's on the rag and opened his eyes, stopping his movements, "Dean, calm down. I'm fine," he said in a weak attempt to convince him. Cas was not fine, that was for sure, but causing Dean so much fear was breaking his heart. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the pillows, taking deep, shuddering breaths to try and calm himself.
"Well guess what, I'm fucking worried." Dean growled, regretting it immediately. "I'm sorry, Cas, but I just wish you'd come to me earlier, when I could have worried less and gotten you better quickly. And you're obviously not fucking fine so don't even try." He huffed, pressing the rag back to Cas' forehead. "I'll call Sam and Garth and Kevin and Charlie and everyone and we'll figure out what's wrong and get you fixed up, 'kay?"
Cas didn't respond, just turned over and dragged the sheets over him, curling up to try and get warm. He shook his head, "I've already tried that; there's nothing I can do about it," he claimed quietly. There wasn't anything to do for it because he didn't know what it was. He grabbed Dean's other hand, lacing his fingers through it and squeezing gently as the pain in his muscles became more pronounced, "Please, just…stay with me. It will pass eventually," he begged, holding onto Dean's hand as if he would drown without the leverage.
"Fine, but once you feel better I'm calling everyone and we're doing all the research possible." Dean said stubbornly, crawling onto the bed beside Cas and curling against him, wrapping one arm around the angel and pulling him close. He wasn't going to not do anything, hell no. They lay there for a few minutes in silence before Dean had a flash of an idea that made him feel breathless with physical pain. He didn't want to voice it, didn't want to even think it, but he had to say something anyway. "Cas… you aren't, you aren't falling are you?"
When Dean lay down next to him and took Cas into his arms, Cas flipped over so they were facing each other, burying his face in the crook of his neck and wrapping his arms around him. Dean's body temperature felt nice against Cas' skin, the contact helping him relax. He always felt safe in Dean's arms. He took a couple moments to respond, almost regretful that Dean had asked. It was a possibility he had been considering for a while, and each passing day it seemed more likely, "I don't know," he mumbled truthfully, "It…wasn't this painful last time."
Dean swallowed hard, fighting a losing battle with rising panic. "Cas… is it—could it be me? And don't you dare lie to me." He took Cas' chin in his hand and tipped it up so he could see those expressive blue eyes. He remembered, vaguely, lore of some kind or another that said angel-human relationships were forbidden. Consequences were unclear, but if it was his relationship with Cas that was causing the angel pain he didn't think he could live with himself.
Cas shook his head, an action that caused another painful throb to pound against his skull, "No. No, Dean, it's not…it can't…" he swallowed. It was a very real possibility. But he lifted a hand and put it to Dean's cheek, holding his gaze earnestly, "It does not matter, Dean. I will always love you, no matter if my brothers approve of it or not," he said, pressing his lips lightly to Dean's. The pain was becoming more pronounced and he leaned his forehead against Dean's, biting his lip as it shot through his body.
"No. I'm not letting you suffer because of me." Dean shook his head just as vehemently, feeling like the very thought was choking him. "I can't, Cas, don't make me do that to you." He begged, already pulling away from the angel as he saw Cas struggling against the pain. "I'm just making it worse, I'm hurting you." His voice trembled slightly and he took a deep, shuddering breath to calm himself. "I'm going to call the others, and they can take care of you, and I can get very, very far away and hope you get better." The words felt like throwing up broken glass, ripping up his stomach and throat and heart in the process of saying them, but even if it killed him he wouldn't let Cas die for him. He just couldn't.
"No…" he begged, gripping tighter to Dean as he moved away. He curled up closer to him and closed his eyes, suppressing tears. Dean's words tore at his heart, and he clung to him like a scared child to their mother, "Please don't leave me," he whispered, a brand new and far more excruciating pain jolting through him. "I cannot live without you, Dean. Please, don't make me go through this alone," he let a few tears escape, looking up at the hunter desperately.
Dean collapsed like a house of cards, pressing against Cas greedily and holding him tightly, unable to say no to the angel when he sounded like that, when he looked like that. "I can't live with myself if I hurt you." He mumbled. He couldn't live without Cas, either, but though he was selfish he wasn't selfish enough to cause someone he loved pain because he wanted them to stay. "If it is me, I'm not going to stay and watch you get worse because I'm there. I can't do that to either of us. I'd never leave you if I could help it, but it looks like there might be no other choice." He swallowed hard, but it wasn't enough to catch the single tear which had already escaped and was making its slow path down his cheek. "I love you, Cas, I can't let myself hurt you." He said softly, holding Cas tighter as he thought of how there might be a limited number of embraces left. Very limited.
Cas nodded, wiping the fallen tear and keeping his hand on his cheek, "I know you can't," he murmured, "I would do the same," Cas said honestly. The words still caused fear to chill Cas' spine, and he pressed his lips to his lover's once more. They were running short in supply. When Cas pulled away, he felt a sharp pain on his forearm wrapped around Dean's waist and he looked down, noticing the light starting to course through his veins. He didn't betray any emotion, closing his eyes and sighing. It was Dean. Well, he wasn't going out without a fight. His eyes flew open and he looked to Dean, determined to put up a fight. He pressed his lips to the hunter's fiercely, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him closer. Another sharp pain, further up his veins the light went. Now it was starting on his other arm. Cas passed his tongue over Dean's lips, silently asking for entrance and pressing his whole body against Dean's.
Dean made a small noise of surprise at the urgent kiss, not having noticed the glow. Assuming Cas was just scared he would leave, which he was scared of too now, he threw himself into the kiss. Every touch could be the last, and it made them bitterly intoxicating. He parted his lips, letting Cas in easily as his arms tightened, pulling the angel closer so their bodies were one, uninterrupted line of pressure.
Cas bit back a groan as the sharp stab of pain rolled through him when Dean responded, just as urgent as Cas. Dean's love seemed to make the light grow faster. Cas put everything he had into that kiss and his whole arms were illuminated, along with the bottom half of his torso. Still, Dean didn't notice, and when Cas ran his hands down his lover's back, sliding them up under his shirt and tracing every line of his back, he moaned. He managed to turn the pained moan into one that could be translated as one of pleasure as the light creeped its way up his back and to the base of his neck. It was like fire, burning through him right down to the bone, but he just gripped tighter to the only thing that mattered to him, the only thing worth dying for. The man who lay in front of him, who was matching Cas' passion easily. He removed his lips from Dean's and latched onto his neck, biting gently as the light made another painful lurch up to his jawline, running through a few of the veins on his face. Cas knew Dean would notice, but it was too late. Dean would be furious, upset, pained, but it wouldn't be nearly as bad as if Cas had allowed him to leave. He wasn't done for yet, and Cas wracked his brains for a movement that would end it at last.
Dean met each touch and brush and press from Cas with one of his own, needy and greedy and wanting. He tipped his head back as the angel moved to his neck, moaning softly as one hand tangled in Cas' hair. But something was off. The light through his eyelids had changed somehow, and he opened them again. "Cas!" It was a choked, strangled sound of horror. His mind went white with panic as he saw his love immersed in that light. It was him. He had done this. He had been weak, he had stayed, and here were the consequences of his selfishness. He struggled to pull away from Cas, and his scrambling, skittish movements would have caused them both to fall of the bed if Cas was a normal human. But even like this, the angel was so much stronger than him. "Cas, please, let me go, I'm hurting you!" His words were garbled by the emotions clogging his throat, too many to count as he fought Cas' grip, terrified as his chest exploded with pain for what he'd done.
Cas managed a smile, sadly looking at Dean as he fought. He didn't feel rejected; he felt relieved. Dean struggling, realizing he had been the one to hurt Cas and trying to do everything he could to stop it, only showed how much he loved Cas. Something he had been wondering about for a long time. He felt all his love for Dean, every feeling that he had been suppressing all these months lest Dean break it off pouring out into him, "I love you, Dean Winchester," he murmured, feeling every word. He pressed his lips to Dean's for a split second before the light finally overtook him, shining bright out of his eyes, mouth, nose, ears, everything. It lasted for a few seconds, and Cas had never felt more bliss in his life. The room filled with blinding light, every lightbulb in the room and out on the street shattering. Then, suddenly, nothing. Cas was limp in Dean's arms, the room bathed in darkness. Dean was alone, with only Cas' body laying next to him.
"CAS!" Dean shook the man, but his heart knew Cas was gone before his head would acknowledge it. "Cas." His voice broke then, turning into nothing but horrid, gut-wrenching sobs that left him so unable to breathe he became lightheaded. He didn't care. His body felt numb, all the pain it was possible for a human to feel and more was concentrated on the hole Cas had just ripped in his chest. He gasped out Cas' name over and over, holding his body so tight his knuckles went white, turning both their shirts dark with his tears. He told the other he loved him again and again, begged him to come back, babbled at him until his throat was so raw he made no sounds. Cried until no tears came even as his chest kept heaving. After a very, very long time, Dean's body exhausted itself, dragging him into sleep. His last coherent thoughts were: 1. Maybe he would wake and Cas would be there and it would all be the worst dream he had ever had and 2. If Cas was still dead when he woke up then he would be too before the day was out. Guaranteed.
The next morning, Castiel was very definitely still dead. Dean, however, seemed unable to feel anything new. He sat up and walked over to his bag like a sleepwalker. He was aware of little, and his thoughts were almost nonexistent. Nothing coherent, just a low, pulsing ache and the instinct guiding him to grip the handle of his gun tightly. He went back to the bed and sat beside Cas-who-was-no-longer-Cas. He didn't look at the body. Instead, he closed his eyes and prayed for the last time. "I love you, I'll see you soon, I promise." He didn't write to Sam. He didn't have to. His brother would understand, and keep Baby safe for him. The gun was cold and stretched his jaw wide, but his body was too numb to feel any discomfort. He positioned it carefully so it'd blow right through his brain, severing the circuits in an instant. "Soon." He promised silently, and pulled the trigger.
Cas looked up, the empty field that was his Heaven suddenly feeling crowded. And also, suddenly feeling brighter, more pleasant. Complete. Cas furrowed his brow and looked around, his breath catching when he saw the figure. The ever-familiar shape of Dean Winchester, standing with his back to him. Cas sat paralyzed, his eyes looking his lover up and down, only one thought entering his mind. How? His lips were parted in shock, and it took a few seconds before he unfroze and got up, walking as quickly as possible over to Dean. He didn't care if it was an illusion, didn't care if Dean wasn't really here. All he knew was that for the last 5 months (as it had been in Heaven, for time was different there) he had been picturing his face, wondering what had become of him. Whether he moved on, forgotten about Cas. Every day his face had entered Cas' mind, and it was the only thing he could think about. He was behind Dean in an instant, wanting to pull him into his arms, but he didn't. He was suddenly skeptical. "Dean?" he asked quietly, his heart pounding in his chest.
Dean stumbled as he landed, looking around. He was in a wide garden, empty but bright and cheerful. Then a voice spoke, a voice he had missed desperately even though he'd last heard it only a day ago. "Cas!" He released a strangled cry, spinning and grabbing at the angel, holding him so tight neither could breathe but who cared? They were dead. They were dead, but they were together, and that was what mattered. "I'm sorry, I had to, I couldn't live without you." He babbled, squeezing Cas tighter and hoping he wouldn't be mad that Dean had killed himself. Or worse, guilty. "I love you, Cas, I love you so much." He told the man's shoulder. And now they had eternity together. Forever and ever and ever, as long as they wanted. he pulled away just enough to look at Cas, drink in how healthy he looked, how bright.
Cas should've been angry, should've chastised Dean for killing himself. But he didn't. He was overcome with joy, despite how selfish it was. He hugged Dean back, matching the strength with which he squeezed easily. He smiled and felt his eyes prick with relieved tears at Dean's words, overcome with emotion at not only having the man in his own Heaven, but knowing that neither of their feelings had changed. He examined Dean's face when he pulled away, almost as if trying to memorize it. A smile played on his lips as his blue eyes met Dean's green, "I love you too, Dean," he said, taking his face in his hands and pulling his love in for a crushing kiss. Only this time, it wasn't for a split second. He had enough time to throw himself into it, show Dean exactly how true those words were. And he could do it for eternity, could finally be with the love of his life without a care in the world. Could finally give Dean the love he deserved.
It was true; something was wrong with Cas. He hadn't been with his soul mate, his other half. And for the first time in his life, Cas was completely and totally healed.