It was nearing sunset when Merlin finally stumbled clumsily into Arthurs chambers with his dinner. He quickly set down his tray on the table, and poured his wine. Arthur looked as though he was going to burst, but Merlin didn't notice. In return Arthur didn't notice Merlins pale face and the dark circles underneath his eyes.
He could feel his eyes drooping and ready to close, he held onto the back of Arthurs chair for support so he didn't fall down. He tried his best to stay awake; he didn't want to have his sleeping problems revealed here. It really wasn't Merlins fault though.
For the past few weeks, Merlin had been suffering from nightmares. The deaths of William, Freya and Balinor had affected him greatly, each death coming so close to each other, and it began to be much to handle, so to stop the pain, anguish, the suffering these nightmares brang, he hardly slept anymore. This night he had only slept an hour no more, and the whole day he was running around doing all of Arthur's chores, helping him with his training practices (him being the 'dummy' yet again) and then having to get rare herbs for Gaius. It just didn't end for him, and he was sick of it. The only person who knew of these nightmares and how Merlin was feeling was Lancelot.
Merlin was taken out of his thoughts when Arthur started yelling. "Merlin! Why do I even have you as my manservant, you can't do anything right!" Merlin cringed at this. After hearing it so many times from Arthur he started to believe it himself. 'He's right' Merlin thought. 'I am useless!'
Arthur continued "I have a kingdom to run, do you know what that means? I can't just sit here all day and actually wait for my dinner, it should arrive on time, I'm sick of this happening. You know what, just for that you can muck out the stables for me, and re-polish my armour, along with sharpening my sword tonight. Oh and there is some laundry for you to do aswell" Arthur smirked at this. He didn't realise how much more he was tiring the poor innocent raven haired boy out.
Merlin was shocked, and even though he wanted to give Arthur a surly retort and joke around, he held his tongue and kept it all in. He didn't even have the strength to do that. He wasn't about to break down his walls here, and appear weak. Merlin was tired and exhausted to say the least, yet he just replied with a "Yes Sire" grabbed the dirty laundry and went to walk out of the room with tears threatening to spill. 'I guess no proper sleep again for me again tonight' Merlin thought. He sighed. He wasn't sure how much of this his body could take.
He walked down a few hallways on his normal route to where he did Arthurs laundry before he was just too tired to go on and slid down the wall and cried. Nothing was ever fair for Merlin. 'Do this merlin, do that merlin, you're an idiot merlin, you can't do anything right merlin' He could hear Arthurs voice in his head. Freya suddenly appeared before his eyes, he wasn't even sure if he was hallucinating or not, but she was there is front of him, pointing a finger at Merlin.
"It's your entire fault I died Merlin, you didn't save me at all! I thought you loved me" Merlin sobbed even more "I-I do Freya, I do, please don't hate me I ca-"Merlin was cut off when Freya was quickly replaced by Balinor. "Son you will never do me proud, look at you, still a manservant to the King, I regret taking that sword for you, I regret helping you. You are not my son" If it was even possible merlins face was paler than before. He took in every word to heart, and they kept replaying in his head.
He wasn't sure what was happening around him anymore, he just sat down in the crouched position he was, staring off into the opposite wall. He wasn't awake, but he wasn't asleep either. He was trapped in his own thoughts. He started thinking about what his father said and realised he too was right. He was still just Arthur's manservant, still not being accepted for who he was. He came to a realisation. Everyone around him was changing, moving on to bigger and better things, except for him… Lancelot was now Sir Lancelot and a knight, and so were Gwaine, Percival and Elyan too. Gwen was set to be Queen and marry Arthur. And yet all he still did was work, work, and work and still save Arthurs sorry behind from within the shadows. No recognition at all, no thanks either.
He was just tired of everything, tired of living, tired of breathing. He couldn't handle the stress anymore. All these deaths were his fault. Everything was his fault. Merlin was a fault. He had blood on his hands. So much blood… He felt himself fall down from his position and onto the cold, hard floor. He succumbed to the darkness and fell unconscious.
So first chapter, obviously in Merlins POV, with Arthur being a prat and unobservant as usual. Lancelot will be introduced soon and there will be different POVS soon. So this is actually the first fanfic ive written ever, so please review, fav, like, whatever it is you do, and I dont know if I should even continue this. Should I?