Author's Note:

I wanted to make sure I wrote something today. So, here's my desperate cry for inspiration.

I do not own the characters of Twighlight or Harry Potter. The sandwich halves, however, are free game.

"Ouch!" Oh my goodness, I've cut myself making a sandwich! I should be paying attention to what I'm doing instead of listening to the conversation Draco and Harry are having in the next room. Oh, but I'm no good with bandages.

"Draco! Draco, dear, I'm losing so much blood! Come save me!"

Draco comes storming into the kitchen with the usual sneer on his face.

"God dammit, Bella! You can't do shit, can you?"

I shrug and giggle, give my finger a wiggle, "I'm hopeless, darling. Kiss it for me, please?"

Draco shows me his back, then out of the blue I go down with a -

"SMACK!"

Swirling bubbles, swirling bubbles, I must be out cold. I have a feeling I'm in trouble! When I come to, boy, am I in for a scolding!

"Bella! Bella, wake up, Bella!"

"Mmm...where am I?"

I struggle to my feet, holding on to the jelly jar for support.

"Wait, jelly jar?" I glance about my surroundings. What happened? Oh my gosh, there's bread waving at me!

"Hello Isabella! Yoo-hoo!"

I stagger forward, man, what a killer headache.

"Oh!" Exclaims one piece of bread, it's purple with many blobs."I'm so sorry, you're hurt!"

And with the flash of a smile from the jelly bread, my headache passes and my cheek doesn't sting anymore!

"Gee, thanks! And hey, I'm not bleeding anymore!"

"Yes, yes!" Rushes the clean piece of bread, "Now if you could be so kind..."

"Oh! Yes! Would you please smear some peanut butter on my friend, here?"

Well, if I must! I skip over to a large jar of peanut butter, thinking, not making a sound. I look up at the tall brown container, "I'll need some help bringing it down."

The bread comes to my assistance, and "bang!" But now the jar is rolling away!

"Catch it, Bella! Catch it!" Shrieks the jelly bread. But I don't make it in time because I just don't. The peanut butter falls off the counter.

"THUNK!"

I let out a yelp, my eyes fly open and I realize I'm back to my normal size. Now I can finish making the sandwich! But my mind is taken off the sandwich when I hear a clicking sound behind me. I turn around and find Alice leaving through the back door.

"Alice!"

She turns around and whispers to me, "Use the grits!" And she quickly slips out the door. There's a crackling on the stove.

"Funny, I don't remember putting this on."

"Oh, I see you've finally come to, Potter!"

Potter? What? Draco only says that to me after...

"Bitch, hell no."

"Go get 'em Bella!" Cheers the jelly bread as I take the grits off the stove.

I march into the luxuriously large living room, determined not to be distracted by the priceless jewels strewn everywhere. I charge for the couch, jumping over it and freeze framing in mid air.

The look on Harry's face is so amusing, I pull a camera out of my ass and snap it!

Draco turns around in shock, "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"

"Who's the muggle's bitch now, Malfoy!"

With my battle cry, I unfreeze and-

"Breakfast is served!"

Draco and Harry scream in agony.

"My father...my father will hear about this!"

I stoop down on top of Draco's bare front. He's the one cowering in fear for a change. A dark chuckle slips from my upturned lips.

"My dear Draco," I whisper over dramatically, raising the empty pot, "I AM YOUR DADDY!"

I beat the shit out of him, then take a cat nap on the couch. The end.

Author's Note:

Thanks for reading, I regret nothing.