By: S. Wilhelmina Feenster
Scene A
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY – DAY/5
Marge, Sean, Flight Attendant
Marjorie Bailey sits alone in her seat looking out the window at Seattle. A young gentleman sits beside her, as more people board the plane.
Marge: FAINTLY TO HERSELF Oh, God, what am I doing?
Sean: First time flying?
Marge: Oh, heavens, no – I fly to New York City frequently. SIGHS I'm just not sure I did the right thing, that's all.
Sean: Ah, regrets.
Marge: What do you mean by regrets? I don't have any regrets.
Sean: Denial, very nice.
Marge: Who are you, a shrink or something? SILENCE I should have known. You, with your blue suit, clean cut hair, well manicured nails, pompous attitude…
Sean: Whoa, hold on there. I think you're describing someone else. Do you want to talk about it?
Marge: What's to talk about? My sister, Audrey, is marrying an Englishman. I skipped my weekly visits to the Big Apple and wasted frequent flyer miles so that I could meet the bum.
Sean: Tell me about it – or as Dr. Frasier Crane would say…
Flight Attendant: Nuts?
Marge rolls her eyes; leans her head back.
CUT TO:
Scene B
Frasier, Martin, Simon Moon (British), Daphne, Niles
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS, "TOO MUCH BAGGAGE"
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – DAY – DAY/1
FRASIER WALKS ALL OVER THE ROOM PACING HIS STEPS MADLY. MARTIN SITS IN HIS BARCALOUNGER WATCHING A SONICS GAME.
Frasier: Dad, how could you do this to me?
Martin: Oh, geez, what now? Can't you wait until a commercial? PAUSE Oh, and Frasier, while you're up, could you fetch me a beer?
Frasier: Oh, he'll be here any minute!
SFX: Doorbell
Frasier: CONT'D – HYSTERICAL Oh, dear, God, he's here! LOOKS AT MARTIN I'll get you for this, dad.
FRASIER CROSSES THE ROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL SIMON, CARRYING A LARGE DUFFLE BAG ON HIS SHOULDER.
Simon: DROPS HIS BAG Frasier! HUGS HIM It's so kind of you to let me stay here with you. SEES MARTIN Well, if it isn't Marty Crane. Hey – is that a beer in your hand or are you just happy to see me?
MARTIN BUSTS OUT LAUGHING. FRASIER IS NOT AMUSED.
Martin: Did you hear that, Fras?
Frasier: I was standing three feet away. BEAT Where's your fiancée? Am I to assume that she'll be staying with Niles and Daphne?
Simon: I figured she could shack up here with me for a couple of days, that is.
Frasier: No!
Martin: SMILING She can stay in Daphne's old room.
Frasier: IRRITATED No she will not!
Simon: Oh, c'mon, Frasier. All she needs is a bit of rug or something.
SFX: Doorbell
Frasier: CROSSING THE ROOM She's not staying here, Simon, and that's final.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL DAPHNE WITH LUGGAGE IN HER HAND.
Simon: CROSSES THE ROOM Are you moving back in here, sis? Did Niles and you get into a fight or something?
Daphne: No, Simon. PUTS DOWN LUGGAGE This belongs to your fiancée. LOOKS AT FRASIER And there's more where that came from.
Frasier: What do you mean, "More?"
NILES ENTERS WITH A RACK FULL OF LUGGAGE.
Frasier: FRANTIC OH, DEAR, GOD!
CUT TO:
Scene C
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS, "FRASIER'S SANITY."
INT. FRASIER'S HALLWAY/LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN – DAY – DAY/1
Daphne, Niles, Audrey, Simon, Martin, Frasier
SIMON'S FIANC
SIMON'S FIANCEE, AUDREY BAILEY, COMES OUT OF THE ELEVATOR AND RINGS THE DOORBELL. THE DOOR OPENS TO SHOW DAPHNE BEATING ON SIMON.
Daphne: YELLING How could you be so stupid? You know how mum gets!
Simon: All she said was that she was at the airport. No specification what-so-ever about picking her up.
Niles: I'll go to the airport.
Daphne: Niles, I couldn't put you through that.
Niles: Daphne, I insist.
Daphne: Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Niles and Daphne kiss.
Frasier: Well, look who's finally here.
Simon: Uh, Aubrey, love!
Audrey: It's Audrey.
SIMON APPROACHES HER, STAGGERING ABOUT THE ROOM WITH A LIT CIGGERETTE IN HIS HAND.
Simon: You got a kiss for me?
AUDREY LEANS OVER AND KISSES SIMON, WHO GUIDES HER TO THE COUCH.
Simon: CONT'D If everyone would be so kind as to leave us to our prenuptial business.
Daphne: HITTING SIMON IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH HER HAND That will be enough of that!
Simon: C'mon, sis. I haven't seen her for a month, now.
Daphne: It's been only two weeks. Besides, Audrey will be staying with Niles and me.
Niles: What?
DAPHNE JABS NILES' ARM WITH HER ELBOW.
Simon: Are you sure that's wise?
Daphne: What do you mean?
Simon: Won't you and Niles be bouncing the sheets all night?
DAPHNE HITS SIMON AGAIN.
Frasier: Daphne, I suggest you take Audrey to your apartment and get her settled. Niles, you take her things back to your car, then drive them home…
Daphne: Or Niles could take your car.
FRASIER FLARES HIS NOSTRILS.
Niles: Dear, I don't think that's such a good idea. We'd better go.
DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT AS AUDREY FOLLOWS.
Simon: You don't suppose I could invite a few friends over and have a bachelor party, do you?
BEFORE FRASIER COULD ANSWER WITH A PROTEST, MARTIN GETS UP OUT OF HIS CHAIR.
Martin: That sounds like fun!
Frasier: FUMING Dad, could I have a word with you in the kitchen?
FRASIER GOES INTO THE KITCHEN, MARTIN FOLLOWS.
Frasier: We are not hosting a bachelor party, here.
Martin: C'mon, Frasier, it will be fun.
Frasier: Fun? You think a living room full of Simon Moon's friends is fun? I tell you, I'd rather stick my hand in that garbage disposal and press the "on" switch, because that would be less of a mess to clean up after!
Martin: Sometimes I wonder if you were switched with that other Crane next to your mother at the hospital.
MARTIN WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
Frasier: But, dad! You told me I was the only Crane born that night!
FADE OUT:
Scene D
FADE IN:
INT. NILES AND DAPHNE'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT- NIGHT/1
Niles, Daphne, Mrs. Moon, Audrey
NILES AND DAPHNE ARE CRASHED ON THE COUCH. DAPHNE'S HEAD IS RESTING GENTLE ON NILES SHOULDER.
Niles: SIGHS They're finally asleep.
Daphne: It's nice having Audrey here.
Niles: Oh?
Daphne: She's a foot massage therapist, you know?
Niles: That explains the excessive bags of foot cream.
Daphne: She spent forty-five minutes rubbing mum's corns and blisters.
Niles: God bless her.
Daphne: She has an overbearing older sister who tried to convince her that marrying Simon would ruin her chances of becoming Miss Foot Healer at the annual Foot Convention.
Niles: That's amazing.
Daphne: That she attends Foot Conventions?
Niles: No. It's amazing that you've known this woman for less than twelve hours and yet you talk about her like you've known her for years.
Daphne: We had a lovely chat while you were picking mum up from the airport. Audrey and I…
Niles: Audrey and me.
Daphne: Niles Crane, are you telling the story or am I?
Niles: Sorry, darling.
Daphne: As I was saying, we have a lot in common. We're both massaging therapists, we come from dreadfully large families – I have eight brothers and she has four sister and two brothers. I come from Manchester, England and she's from Evansville, Indiana…
Niles: How is that the same?
Daphne: Both our birthplaces have the same amount of letters.
Niles: Oh.
GERTRUDE MOON ENTERS, HOBBLING ACROSS THE ROOM.
Mrs. Moon: Daphne, if you would be so kind as to rub my toes. I think one of my blisters popped.
Niles: GETTING UP I think it's time for bed.
DAPHNE GIVES NILES A LOOK. HE LEAVES THE ROOM.
MRS. MOON SITS DOWN AND PUTS HER RIGHT FOOT ON THE TABLE.
Mrs. Moon: It's the discolored place right there. It won't stop throbbing.
Daphne: Can't you soak it or something?
Mrs. Moon: C'mon, it really hurts.
Daphne: I'm really tired now and Dr. Crane hates it when I'm not there, at his apartment, before sun up.
NILES ENTERS WITH A HALF ASLEEP AUDREY.
Niles: Oh, look who I found wandering the halls.
Daphne: Goodnight, mum.
DAPHNE GRABS NILES ARM AND HURRIES HIM UPSTAIRS.
Daphne: WRAPPING HER ARMS AROUND HIM I'll be sure to thank you properly.
NILES AND DAPHNE KISS AND HEAD FOR THEIR BEDROOM.
CUT TO:
Scene E
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS, "FOUR DAYS AND ONE PAINFUL BLISTER LATER"
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – DAY – DAY/4
Audrey, Simon, Martin
AUDREY AND SIMON ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TELEVISION. MARTIN EXITS THE KITCHEN WITH A HANDFUL OF BEERS.
Martin: Would you like a beer, Audrey?
Audrey: No, thank you. I don't drink.
Simon: STUNNED You don't drink?
Audrey: No, I never felt the need to.
Simon: Well, love, allow me to introduce you to my friend, here. OPENS CAN Here, have a taste.
Audrey: No, really, I shouldn't.
Simon: It won't kill you. C'mon, Aud.
Audrey: What did you just call me?
Simon: I don't remember.
Audrey: It sounded like it was "Aud."
Simon: Might have been.
Audrey: I hated that nickname in school.
Martin: You should have heard some of the nicknames Frasier and Niles had in school.
Audrey: PAUSE Oh, gosh! What's today?
Martin: Besides the day before your wedding?
Audrey: I was afraid of that.
Simon: TURNS TO HER, SLOSHING HIS BEER ALL OVER What's that supposed to mean?
Audrey: Oh, nothing – it's just that my sister is flying in today.
Simon: From where?
Audrey: Evansville, Indiana.
Simon: I thought all your sisters were coming to the wedding, too.
Audrey: They are, but this one doesn't like you.
Simon: That's alright, love. I still got you.
Audrey: You are the sweetest man.
AUDREY AND SIMON KISS.
CUT TO:
Scene F
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS, "THE OVERBEARING ONE"
INT. NILES AND DAPHNE'S LIVING ROOM – EVENING – NIGHT/4
Niles, Daphne, Marge
NILES AND DAPHNE ARE MAKING OUT ON THE COUCH FACING THE FIREPLACE.
SFX: Doorbell
Niles: So much for your mother being gone tonight.
Daphne: Maybe it's your brother.
Niles: We could not answer it.
Daphne: Or we could.
Niles: I was afraid you'd say that.
DAPHNE STANDS UP, CROSSES THE ROOM, OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL MARGE BAILEY, AUDREY'S OVERBEARING OLDER SISTER.
Marge: Hi…
Daphne: Don't say anything. I'm getting one of my visions. You're a marine, are you?
Marge: Well, my brother Danny is.
Daphne: Ah, it comes and goes.
Marge: You remind me of my Aunt Bernice.
Daphne: Oh, was she psychic?
Marge: No, committed. She's living in a sanitarium.
NILES STANDS BEHIND DAPHNE AND CLEARS HIS THROAT.
Daphne: Oh, Niles. BRINGS HIM CLOSER TO HER This is…
Marge: Marjorie Bailey.
NILES AND DAPHNE, GASP.
Daphne: You're not the overbearing older sister, are you?
Marge: I see you've been talking to Audrey.
Daphne: Please, come in. Audrey isn't here yet.
Niles: She's at Frasier's. You might want to try there.
Marge: Who's Frasier?
Niles: My older brother. He lives at the Elliot Bay Towers, condo number 1901.
Marge: Right. Sorry for ruining your evening.
Niles: No harm done.
MARGE LEAVES.
Niles: Where were we?
Daphne: I got a strange psychic vibe from her when she brushed by me a minute ago.
Niles: JOKINGLY Maybe that was me. GRINS We'll think about that later.
NILES KISSES HER.
FADE OUT:
End of Act One
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
Scene G
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT – NIGHT/4
FRASIER IS SITTING AT THE PIANO PLAYING A CLASSICAL PIECE OF MUSIC. MARTIN IS OUT WALKING EDDIE, SIMON AND AUDREY HAVE GONE TO A MOVIE.
SFX: Doorbell
FRASIER GETS UP, CROSSES THE ROOM TO THE DOOR. HE OPENS IT TO REVEAL MARGE STANDING THERE WITH A DULL EXPRESSION ON HER FACE.
Frasier: Dear, God, please tell me that you're not one of Lilith's friends.
Marge: My name is Marge Bailey. I'm Audrey's sister.
Frasier: Well, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Audrey is out with Simon at the moment – somewhat of a last date before the nuptials tomorrow.
Marge: Right.
Frasier: Won't you come in?
Marge: No, I don't think that will be necessary. My family should be arriving shortly. Nice meeting you, Dr. Crane.
MARGE LEAVES AND FRASIER RETURNS TO THE PIANO.
CUT TO:
Scene H
A BLACK SCREEN. IN WHITE LETTERS APPEARS "THE WEDDING DAY"
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM/DAPHNE'S ROOM – DAY – DAY/5
FRASIER IS RUSHING AROUND TRYING TO GET EVERYTHING PERFECT FOR THE WEDDING CEREMONY, HAPPENING IN THE NEXT HOUR.
Frasier: Dad, hurry up, we'll be late!
MARTIN ENTERED THE ROOM WEARING A DARK GREEN SUIT WITH BROWN SHOES.
Frasier: TURNS TO HIM Oh, dear God! Dad, this is a wedding. Could you at least have worn something nice, like a blue suit?
Martin: This is nice. It's genuine snake skin -feel.
Frasier: I don't want to feel!
SFX: Doorbell
FRASIER CROSSES THE ROOM, OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL ROZ.
Roz: Sorry I'm late, Frasier, but Alice threw up in the car on the way over here. SEES MARTIN Hey -Martin. Nice suit.
Martin: Thanks, Roz.
Roz: SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH I hope you don't mind. TAKES OFF HER SHOES My feet are killing me. You don't know what it's like cleaning out the backseat of a car in six inch heels.
SFX: Doorbell
Frasier: Nor would I care to.
FRASIER CROSSES THE ROOM, OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL NILES AND DAPHNE.
Frasier: Niles, I'm so glad you're here. I think I'm going to go out of my mind. Dad insists on wearing that travesty he calls a suit and last night I met this woman that made Lilith look like June Cleaver.
Niles: Ah, that was Audrey's overbearing older sister, Marge.
Frasier: Yes, but how did you know?
Niles: Daphne told me all about her. Apparently, Marge picked up these faulty mannerisms from her childhood friend, Marilyn Weasalman.
Frasier: Perhaps I could help Marge with this bad habit.
SFX: Doorbell
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL AUDREY STANDING THERE IN TEARS.
Frasier: Audrey, what's the matter?
Audrey: Simon's gone and it's entirely my sister's fault.
Frasier: Daphne!
Daphne: Yes, Dr. Crane? CROSSES OVER TO FRASIER
Frasier: Simon is gone. The wedding is off.
AUDREY CRIES HARDER.
Daphne: That's just like my brother. When is he ever going to accept responsibility?
Audrey: I'm pregnant.
Daphne: Oh, dear. Come to my room.
DAPHNE LEADS HER TO THE BACK.
CUT TO:
INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM – DAY – DAY/5
DAPHNE AND AUDREY SIT ON THE BED. SHE HANDS AUDREY A FEW TISSUES.
Daphne: What happened?
Audrey: Last night Simon and I were having a romantic evening watching Star Wars in the Winnebago. The doctor told me the day I moved in with you guys that I was going to have a baby. I was planning on telling Simon at the end of the movie, but we were interrupted. My sister backed her Olds Mobile into the Winnebago. Well Simon got out and argued with her. Once I realized who it was I got out and defended him. Marge asked me to get Dr. Crane. By the time I came back, he was gone.
Daphne: Why didn't Dr. Crane say anything about it?
Audrey: Marge lied to him, I suppose. PAUSE Oh, why didn't we elope like we originally planned? CRIES
DAPHNE LENDS HER SHOULDER FOR AUDREY TO CRY ON.
FADE OUT:
Scene I
FADE IN:
INT. AIRPLANE – DAY – DAY/5
MARGE IS STARING OUT THE WINDOW.
Flight Attendant: Fasten your seatbelts. We're ready for lift off.
Marge: I can't do this. GETS UP
Flight Attendant: Miss, please, sit down. We're about to clear the gate.
Marge: I need off this plane now!
Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you can't do that.
Marge: You don't understand. I'm late for a wedding.
Flight Attendant: Oh, really. Who's?
Marge: Mine.
CUT TO:
Scene J
INT. NILES AND DAPHNE'S LIVING ROOM – DAY – DAY/5
MRS. MOON IS LYING ON THE COUCH.
Mrs. Moon: C'mon, Simon. Rub my feet.
Simon: EXITING THE KITCHEN I already told you – I'm through rubbing your feet. Two hours was enough.
Mrs. Moon: Aren't you getting married today?
Simon: The wedding is off. Audrey is in love with Frasier.
Mrs. Moon: I still can't believe that.
Simon: And to think I used to take food and beverages from his refrigerator.
SFX: Doorbell
Mrs. Moon: Get the door, will you, Simon?
SIMON CROSSES THE ROOM, OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL MARGE.
Simon: What do you want?
Marge: Simon, I have something to tell you.
CUT TO:
Scene K
EXT. ELLIOT TOWERS ROOF – DAY – DAY/5
EVERYONE IS SEATED AWAITING THE BIG MOMENT. IT'S VERY WINDY.
Scene L
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY/ELEVATOR – DAY – DAY/5
DAPHNE AND AUDREY STAND NEXT TO THE DOOR.
Daphne: Well, I guess we better go tell them. Are you ready?
Audrey: DRIES HER EYES I have no choice.
THEY EXIT INTO THE HALL AND WAIT FOR THE ELEVATOR. WHEN THE DOORS OPEN, SIMON IS THERE.
Simon: Hello, sis. Could you give me and Audrey some privacy?
Daphne: TO AUDREY You'll be ok?
Audrey: Sure.
DAPHNE GETS INTO THE ELEVATOR.
Simon: Audrey, I've been a fool.
Audrey: It's not your fault.
Simon: Yes it is. What was I thinking believing that you and Frasier were getting it off behind my back?
Audrey: Excuse me?
Simon: Your sister told me that you and Frasier were hot for each other.
Audrey: She did, did she?
Simon: She came by the apartment today and told me it was all lies. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I love you very much.
Audrey: SMILING Oh, Simon, I love you, too!
THEY KISS.
Simon: How's about you and me get married?
Audrey: I'd love to.
SIMON AND AUDREY HOLD HANDS AS THEY WALK TO THE ELEVATOR.
Audrey: CONT'D There's another thing I've been wanting to tell you.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN, THEY STEP INSIDE. AUDREY MOVES CLOSE TO SAY SOMETHING. AS THE DOORS CLOSE WE HEAR:
Simon: You're knocked up!
End of Act Two
The End