Disclaimer: Don't own iCarly, nor "Cosmic Love" by Florence + the machine.
Spring's Awakening
Sam laid in bed thinking. She had always protected her heart well, until now. She had built walls upon walls to protect herself from being emotionally hurt. Since the day of her dad's leaving, only two people had managed to sneak into her heart, and even then not very far. Carly, her bestest friend forever, and Spencer, Carly's brother and Sam's first crush. But now a third person threatens not only to sneak into her heart, but bring down the very walls that protect it.
Fredward Benson.
Even the thought of the name made her heart race, and her hands clammy. She had never felt this way before, not with Jonah nor with Pete. This was all virgin territory to her, and she felt lost. She really wanted to beat Freddie up for making her feel like this, but she knew that really wasn't an option. It might make her feel better briefly, but it would still resolve nothing in the long run. And she couldn't believe that she was actually thinking about things in the long run. Freddie's influence was more insidious than she had thought.
She desperately needed to talk to someone. She looked over at her night stand. 2:17 AM the clock read. Carly was asleep already, and probably had been for some number of hours. Sam knew that Freddie was still awake, but didn't think that talking to the person who was causing the problems in the first place was a good idea. She really didn't want to talk to Melanie about Freddie, after all, the last time she visited all she could talk about was how handsome Freddie was becoming. It made her want to vomit. But secretly, in her heart of hearts, she agreed with her sister.
Sam sighed deeply. She got up and walked to the kitchen. Pouring herself a glass of milk, she sat at the kitchen table and pondered her situation. A slight cough and a rustling of limbs woke her from reverie. "Hey turd, what's up," asked Pam softly.
Sam stared at her mother. Shaking her head, she replied, "nothing mother, nothing..."
"Look kiddo, you can lie to yourself all you want, but don't lie to me. After all, I DID just watch you stare into your glass of milk for the past fifteen minutes. Are you pregnant? Did that Eddie kid knock you up?"
Sam stared sidelong at her mom. What the hell, she thought, maybe she might be able to give me some good advice for once. She shook her head, "No mom, nothing like that. And it's Freddie. I know you don't have the best track record, but I really need some help here. Ummm, how do you know if you're really in love with someone?" She watched her mom walk over to the table, the stale stench of alcohol and cigarettes preceding her.
"Well, it really depends on the size of his"
"Mom!" Sam interjected.
"What? Okay, okay." Pam sat next to her daughter and gently patted her hand. She looked into her daughter's face and knew she had to be serious. For Sam. And for Anthony. She sighed softly at the thought of Anthony, her own first love. "First love is always the roughest. Do you get nervous when you're next to him? When you think about him? Does he make you smile?"
Nodding, Sam said, "it feels like my stomach is doing back flips. I almost can't eat when he's around. And yes, he does make me smile. He's my best friend, and I feel like I can share almost everything with him, except this."
"I felt the same way about Anthony, your dad. He had a smile that could light up the sky it seemed, and his laugh. God, his laugh. It was contagious. And so happy. And the way he touched me..."
"Ewww, Mom, too much info...," said a horrified Sam.
"Well, it's true. But anyway, I knew it when we touched. I loved it when we held hands. It seemed like we just... melded together..." Pam's eyes lost focus, and she seemed lost in a distant dream. "Your dad was special, and there's no one that can compare to him. Not sure why I keep trying." She murmered the last bit.
Sam stared at her mom thoughtfully. Their relationship had gotten somewhat better since the incident at the Pschneider Psychology Center, but this was actually their first real talk since. She softly said, "Hope mom. That's why you keep trying. Hope." She told her mom all about Freddie, about their Christmas Truce, their meeting with Christian Leblanc, how she and Freddie attended Mr Leblanc's funeral, and how Freddie asked her to Winter Formal.
"He sounds like a good guy. So what's the prob Sam?" Pam looked over at her daughter fidgeting in her seat.
Sam looked at her mom. "I'm afraid," she said quietly. "I'm afraid he won't like me, as much as I like him. I'm afraid of getting hurt." Her mom let out a low, sharp laugh. Sam, a look of hurt and anger on her face, stood up from the table and turned to go to her room.
"Sam, stay. I didn't mean it the way you're taking that laugh. Please." The 'please' was what did it for Sam. She sat back warily in her chair, eyeing her mom suspiciously. "I'm sorry Sam, I didn't mean to laugh. It was when you said you were afraid, I just couldn't believe it. Samantha Puckett, afraid of something. I've seen you take down bullies twice your size, police officers too, and yet you're afraid of Freddie. I still can't believe it. Makes me want to call all the relatives and let them know."
"Mother," growled Sam.
"Don't worry, I won't. This will remain just between us, a secret between us girls." She looked over at her daughter again, and seemingly for the first time noticed how vulnerable Sam seemed. This Freddie kid really got to Sam. Looks like me and him are gonna have to talk. "There's only one way Sam. To really know. No running away. You're going to have to ask him."
Sam sighed. She placed her glass into the sink and walked towards her room. Getting to the door of the kitchen, she turned and looked at her mom, sitting there looking at her hands. "Mom," she softly said. "Thank you."
Pam Puckett looked at her daughter, a surprised look on her face. "You're welcome." She watched silently as her daughter walked away. "Hey you." Pam smiled softly at her daughter as she turned back around. "I love you, ya turd," she said simply.
"I love you too, mom," Sam replied, standing at her doorway.
Pam heard the door to Sam's room close. She walked over to her liquor cabinet, and pulled a bottle and a glass down. Taking a seat again at the kitchen table, she poured herself a liberal amount. Looking down at her left hand, she noticed the glaring absence of her wedding ring. Pam pushed the glass away, before burying her head in her hands. "Oh Anthony," was the last coherent thing she said before she broke out into sobs and tears.
Sam stood uncomfortably in the doorway. She watched for a long moment, before padding silently back to her room, leaving her mom to quietly weep for a husband long gone.
Sam dreamed.
Once again, she dreamed of a riot of colours. Reds clashed with yellows clashed with purples. Her frenetic movements in the dream caused the colours to playfully ripple outward. She laughed and danced and sang among the jungle of colours, while a starry night looked down upon her. A movement in the sky caught her eye, and she turned to watch a shooting star falling downward. The star fell closer and closer to her, and she felt fear. Turning she ran, but no matter how far, the star was always there. And then, the riot of colours ceased. Turning, there was nothing to see. Darkness had consumed everything. And then the fear consumed her. Screaming her frustration, she ran and ran. Time ceased to have meaning. Minutes turned into days, while weeks turned into seconds.
Sam fell to the ground, exhausted. She stayed still and allowed the darkness to consume her. And there was a warmth in the darkness that she had missed. It covered her gently like a blanket in the midst of winter. And as her eyes adjusted, the stars and moon still shone, maybe even brighter for the contrast. The frantic beating of her heart stilled enough for her to hear something else. Focusing, she heard heartbeats. Strong and steady heartbeats. She listened for a while and then she knew who the heartbeats belonged to. She had listened to those heartbeats enough.
Freddie's.
She woke, the sound of Freddie's heartbeats in her head. She stared up at her ceiling and thought about her dream. And then she knew. He was probably feeling the same way. He was lost, just like she was. Somehow that thought made her feel better. And she finally realized what she had to do.
Beneath the snows, the rose bush awoke from beneath the wintry blanket, sending yearning buds upwards into the spring air.
Author's note:
This has been part of the Cabal's St. Valentine's Day Massacre.
Arrossisce… aussiemma… axel100… BaalRules… BoxOfTrinkets… boxofpiglets… Commander Lagasse… Coyote Laughs… ItalianBabexo8… iCabal… iCarlyangst… iLuvNathanKrEsS… JamesTheGreater… KingxLeon21… Myjumpingsocks… ober22… pairababes… Pieequals36… pigwiz… Tech-Man… The Earl of Sandwich… xXACCEBXx