Do you ever just wake up one day and wonder what did I do to deserve this? Am I a bad person? Was I like Hitler or something in a past life and now karma is coming back to kick my ass? For me that answer is yes.
I don't even really remember how it started, but right now if just feels like it's ingrained in me.
Control, powerlessness, rape, love punishment, passion all of these things I've felt at one time or another but now? Now I feel empty I've lost the one thing in my life that meant anything HOPE, in other words I lost him...
"Oh god, Oh god don't stop please don't stop" words to live and die by and in my situation truer words never spoken although I'm not sure if he would actually kill me but sometimes it felt that way, the gorgeous specimen of a man on top of me just kept pumping away hard and fast hitting that spot each and every time bringing me to the edge of bliss before he would slow it down and the pleasant torture of soft slow thrusts would ignite my body in a whole different way, he knew exactly what he was doing the ways to delight/torture and ignite a passion in me that I both loved and loathed him for.
After our time together I don't really know how to categorize it, definitely not 'love-making' 'sexcapades' (as Lexi would call it). It was something completely itself, yet cliché, naïve small town girl in the big city who falls under the spell of a bad man although in the movies that girl always ends up with prince charming living happily ever after with the whole white picket fence 2.4 children and a golden retriever named sunny, right now I don't ever see that happening I did once y'know imagine all of that, me and the man of my dreams (literally) NOT HIM the man who already is leaving me – he never spends the night unless his wife is out of town and he's not spending time with his kids as used and every other horrible emotion you can think of that I felt I always felt worse when he left afterwards, like somehow if he spent the night that I wasn't so powerless and a complete slut at the same time.
The first time it happened I was so beyond shocked that I couldn't react, then in his words "no-one would believe you, I'm the boss and no-one knows how to play the game better than me princess" I would come to loathe that nickname it would spill out of his mouth when he would punish me one simple word that could put the fear of god into me and yet sometimes when he said it in a softer way it would tingle my entire body and turn me into mush.
***************Flashback*************
You know that feeling from a new job excitement, nervousness, jitters, enthusiasm and all those other ones that would make your belly somersault? Well I definitely felt them all and more and the moment I met him which would forever change my life (and not always in a good way) he had this charm and swag about about him confident in his ways and mannerisms that would draw you in it certainly did me he introduced himself with a firm handshake that lingered a little longer than normal his eyes giving me the once-over he told me how it was "a pleasure to meet me" that I would love it there and that if I needed anything at all to not hesitate in contacting him and he handed me a card with his business numbers and his personal cell number also, maybe that should have been my first clue at how brazen this man could be especially as only a few feet away his wife was stood talking to another co-worker of mine, nothing happened that night and my first day actually went pretty well I made friends with a few of the girls, my first interview went really well, well if you can call anything that the Lunatic Fringe Dean Ambrose says/does good.
For my first though I was excited/nervous but he put me at ease weirdly considering you know LUNATIC FRINGE and all. It wasn't until my first week anniversary that HE showed his true colours a few of my co-workers wanted to celebrate my first week and go for drinks and who am I to turn down free tequilla? Pretty sure it's in the bible somewhere, right next to something about devils in sheep clothing, Don't trust anyone oh and one tequilla two tequilla three tequilla FLOOR.
It was actually a good night I drank a few of the guys under the table (not my finest moment) when boss man showed up and bought a round, I was already slightly (ok way more than lightly) tipsy and thought it would be a good idea to hug him as a thank you to which he proclaimed that I was drunk and that I should probably go to bed I may have said something inappropriate about him joining me (maybe that's how this started and as I've so often felt – this is MY fault) he was a gentleman he held me up carried my clutch purse opened my door didn't cuss out my behaviour or anything (again maybe this is why he decided on me) he took my shoes off the death trap heels finally off my feet felt so good and I might have moaned a little, this must have set him off a little as his hands were roaming my legs and it felt GOOD, his hands making their way higher until they were caressing my thighs and higher until his finger was rubbing at my core it was at this point I thought his wife was a lucky woman and that's when it hit me I was being fingered by a married man, and that's when I started to sober a little the cloudyness leaving me I asked him to stop and he did for all of a few seconds he started telling me how wet I was for him, that I wanted him and that's the moment I became 'his' he kept rubbing me, started kissing me, in my inebriated state I found it hard to fight him off, and in the end it was futile he took what he wanted from me and I was powerless to stop him, I woke the next morning naked with the remnants of last night stuck to the inside of my thighs feeling hungover/slutty/used and I couldn't scrub at my skin hard enough to feel clean again a million thoughts running through my hea mile a minute had I lead him on? Had I asked for what he did? Would anyone believe me? He was the boss and I was the newbie.
Back at work that night for the Raw taping, I felt everything and nothing if that's even possible? I saw him right after I'd interviewed his wife for a segment, he was so blasé about it leaning in to kiss her and talk a job well done, after she left though is when he asked me "how my night was" I was speechless sort of I stammered and stuttered trying to tell him what he did to me was wrong but instead all I did was well up, tears starting to fall down my face he reached to wipe a tear from my cheek slipping that finger in his mouth tasting the saltiness of my tears he leaned in to me much like a few minutes before he had done with his wife and told me last night was a pleasure – mostly his but that he couldn't help himself I was beautiful and he wanted me and he always gets what he wants, he told me he would see me later and that statement alone was enough to send me to the ladies room throwing up.
He did in fact show up to my hotel room later, I didn't let him in, he somehow had a key-card, and much like the previous night he controlled the situation he pushed me against a wall, grinding his obvious excitement into me, quite literally ripping the clothes from my body and thrusting himself into me as soon as we were both as naked as the day we were born, he slipped in and out of me with ease, I was wet, why was I wet? I didn't want this, right? RIGHT?