"The Gamble"
by darthelwig
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I do not own Saiyuki. This story is rated T. SLASH Warning!
If you're afraid to take the risk, you'll never win the prize. Gojyo/Hakkai.
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Hakkai was tired of waiting.
Yet, it seemed like that was all he did. Every night was spent holding his breath; waiting for Gojyo to return from whichever bed he'd ended up in that night. They had been living together for months now, with Hakkai slowly building a new life for himself, and he had yet to see Gojyo return home before the early morning hours.
He knew it had taken some compromising on Gojyo's part to have him there in the first place. He no longer brought home any of his lovers. The place was too small for them to have separate rooms and make that feasible. Hakkai had asked Gojyo if this was a problem, but the half-breed had shrugged it off with a wink and a smile.
They had settled into an easy routine after that. Hakkai would prepare dinner and they would eat together, then Gojyo would go out to play his card games and seduce his women. And he would always return home before dawn touched the sky. Hakkai would sleep fitfully until Gojyo returned, if he slept at all.
This was one of his sleepless nights.
When Gojyo finally returned, Hakkai feigned sleep. He listened as his friend moved as quietly as he could through the room that they shared to settle himself into bed. Even from this distance, Hakkai could smell the booze and cigarettes… and something else… a cheap perfume mixed in with the smells he usually associated with Gojyo. Hakkai recognized the scent. Gojyo had been with this woman before.
Pain filled his heart as he thought of all the women Gojyo had been intimate with. He had thought once that he might have a shot with Gojyo as well, but that sudden, magnetic physical awareness that had suffused his being when he'd first opened his eyes and seen the crimson-haired beauty standing above him did not seem to be reciprocated. Perhaps he'd been mistaken when he thought he'd seen an answering awareness reflected in Gojyo's eyes all those months ago. The man certainly hadn't acted upon any 'hidden desires' yet, if he felt them at all.
It was terribly frustrating to Hakkai to be so close to what he wanted and yet unable to simply reach out and claim it for his own. He was sure that, in his position, Gojyo would act first and consider the consequences later… but he couldn't quite bring himself to open his heart to the possibility of Gojyo's rejection. He didn't know if his still-mending heart could withstand the pain of it.
No, far better to wait for Gojyo to make the first move… if he wanted to. He would rather wait forever than lose all hope completely.
Gojyo tried his best to be quiet when he got home. He didn't want to wake Hakkai. The guy needed his rest. He seemed tired a lot of the time these days.
And Gojyo didn't really want Hakkai to see him like this anyway. It was… embarrassing. Not that he was doing anything wrong. This was how he had always made his way through life. Why should that change now?
Except, the very thought of Hakkai catching him slinking back from one of his numerous sexual rendezvous filled him with a hot, bitter shame. This was not what he wanted for himself, but it was what he allowed himself to have… ad in the past it had always been enough. But not now, because he had a secret… one he could never share with Hakkai.
He was in love.
For the first time in his life, casual sexual encounters were no longer enough to get him through the night. No, now they left him wanting more. He wanted to have sex with the one person he could never allow himself to touch. He wanted Hakkai.
But his friend was off limits. Hakkai was mush too precious and too beautiful to soil with his lust. Sex had always ever been empty, meaningless…. He didn't want that hollowness within his soul to go anywhere near the part of him that belonged to Hakkai.
He wasn't a fool. He was aware that love and sex weren't mutually exclusive for most people- but they had always seemed so to him. And he was unwilling to risk these feelings he had on the chance that he could finally reconcile the two in his own heart. He didn't want to risk sullying his feelings for Hakkai. They were too important to him. If he gambled on this and lost, he would regret it forever. Love was too hard to find to risk cheapening.
Not that this resolve made it any easier to be around Hakkai and not touch him. Every gentle smile begged to be kissed. Each time Hakkai became lost in his tortured memories, Gojyo ached to wrap him in his arms and force those thoughts away. Hakkai's soft voice sent tingles racing across his skin. It was difficult not to ravish the man who now shared his home. Their close proximity was slowly driving him crazy.
So he went out at night and sated his lust on whatever woman would have him. It was the only way he could control his growing desire. It was a temporary solution at best, always leaving him yearning for Hakkai's sweet touch, but so far it had been enough. He had managed not to loose his lust on Hakkai yet. His control was shaky at times, but he was determined to see this through. He wanted to be a good man for once. He wanted his love to remain pure. Hakkai had enough darkness in his life. He didn't need Gojyo adding to it.
So Gojyo tried to sleep, tried to relax, tried to ignore the tightening in his groin. He listened to Hakkai's soft breathing, letting it lull him into sleep. He'd discovered early on that he couldn't rest away from Hakkai anymore. No matter where he went or whom he ended up with, he had to return home. Simply being near Hakkai soothed him. Being apart from him guaranteed he wouldn't find sleep. The steady rhythm of Hakkai's breaths was the sweetest lullaby he could ask for.
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They were together, the night was quiet, and Hakkai closed his eyes. Peace settled over him as his heart filled with the joy of Gojyo's very presence.
Nestled in their beds, they lay dreaming of each other, their hearts meeting and beating in time together. Souls intertwined, they could find rest now.
Perhaps another day would finally bring them together, but whatever fate had in store for them would have to wait. They were not quite ready for the gamble.
And when they finally were, it would be the greatest payoff ever.