Hey there! I just found this on my computer and it made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it with you! Hope you enjoy.
Callidora Longbottom disapproved. Callidora disapproved of many, many things, but today she was particularly disapproving.
Her grandson Frank was marching around a small, thin young woman. Monica, they'd said her name was, Monica Wilkins.
Honestly, what a ridiculous name. Monica. Back in her day, people were called things like, well, 'Callidora' for a start.
No, she absolutely did not approve of this 'Monica' girl. Her hair was too light, her fingernails were too small and her eyes were too close together.
Standing upright against the garden wall, the old lady drew her eyes across the lawn to the drinks table. She grabbed at her walking stick, and headed over hoping that someone had brought a decent drink to this inane gathering.
After a good two minutes of hobbling (and avoiding spirited dancers) Callidora arrived at the table, next to her daughter-in-law Augusta who was making some very boring comments about how wonderful Frank was.
"Oh look, isn't he just splendid at dancing, Callidora? Perhaps I should have sent him to lessons as a child - do Hogwarts do a course in dancing? I simply must ask Albus." Augusta picked up a clear bottle of Gillywater and poured herself a glass, "Have I introduced you to this young lady? Callidora this is Alice, she's a friend of Monica, I think. Alice, this is Frank's grandmother."
Callidora ignored this Alice girl. Where were the real drinks on this table? She was a woman not a pansy. Gillywater? She brushed her teeth with Gillywater...
"Of course, we knew since he was a child that he was special. We knew he was a wizard by the time he was two. Two! He picked up his fathers wand and blasted the roof off our garden shed! What a boy he was..."
Callidora rolled her eyes as she read the labels of every bottle on the table. Who knows how many times she'd been put through this story, it's not even like she wasn't there! She'd pried a bottle out of a startled-looking Weasley's hand and was dismayed to find yet another bottle of Butterbeer.
"I suppose I could never really think that any girl was good enough for our Frank, but that Monica girl is certainly very charming. What delicate nails she has, and such beautiful blonde hair. You know, I never understood why you liked dark hair so much. I suppose it runs in your family. Oh look! The Potters are here! I must go and thank them for letting Frank visit over the holidays!"
Finally a happy silence descended on the drinks table, Alice stared into her glass as she swirled the brightly coloured liquid around. The old woman had searched nearly the whole table, and was slowly heading closer to her side.
"Mrs Longbottom," The old lady looked catiously at a cauldron marked 'Nettle Tea' and dipped her cup in. Alice tried again, "Mrs Longbottom?" She pulled a sour face and tipped the contents of her cup back into the cauldron. "You do know that's very unhygienic, don't you, Mrs Longbottom?"
Callidora gave in, and looked up with annoyance at the dark-haired girl,
"Hygiene is for pansies. I am a woman, not a pansy." She paused, then sniffed the top of an unmarked bottle, "Who are you, anyway? That Monica girl's friend?"
"Erm.. Not exactly, Mrs Longbottom. I actually came with Lily," she pointed in the direction of Augusta, where Callidora saw a young red haired girl entangled in the Potters' son.
Alice finished her drink, pulled out a bottle from under the table and refilled her glass.
"That! What is that, young lady?" Alice looked up, startled at the old woman's outburst.
"Well- I- I am allowed now, by law, Mrs Longbottom. Although- Well, I wouldn't want my mother-" She stuttered, feeling guilty.
"No, no, no. That's what I've been looking for all this time, while that batty old woman's been yattering about my useless grandson. Give me some of that good old fashioned Firewhisky." Callidora held out a glass expectantly.
"Oh! Oh, right, well, yes. Of course. Erm. Here," Alice poured a generous amount into the glass in front of her, and Callidora sat down next to her. "You- erm, Do you really think Frank's useless?"
"Well, when you stick the real him next to the one she's got in her head, you'll notice he doesn't shine quite as much." Callidora flashed a smile before downing her drink in one. Alice smiled back unconvincingly, then refilled the elderly lady's glass. Callidora noticed this, "Do you disagree?"
"Oh no," she replied, a little too hurriedly, "I'm sure he's positively dreadful." She paused, seeing that her drinking companion did not look convinced. "I asked him to go to Hogsmeade with me once in a note," She said, quietly, "Monica saw it and laughed so loudly that everyone in the whole room stopped and turned around. Her and her friends still laugh at me about it."
Callidora scoffed, and swished her drink in her glass.
"If you ask me it looks like that hair-swishing airhead over there ought to rub less orange paint onto her face and spend a little more time looking in the vague direction of books. In fact-" With one sweeping movement Callidora reached out, grabbed the sleeve of an unsuspecting passing waiter, and pulled him down to eye-level, "Kindly inform the young woman named Monica Wilkins that she is no longer welcome at this gathering and escort her outside."
The baffled waiter nodded and walked over to the dancefloor, as Callidora raised her glass smugly to her shocked and angry grandson, and Alice hid her face in her hands. It was difficult to tell whether talking to this woman had been a good idea or not..
Please, please REVIEW! It will make my life a place full of sunshine and happiness.