I stare at the stark walls, bright white. They are trying to invade my soul, make me into a person who knows who she is supposed to be. I know who I am. My name is Ava. I know what I want. I've known it since the moment I saw his sad hazel eyes looking down at me. "Rebecca?" The young nurse, who I have come to know as Sarah, is here to give me my medication. I flash a weak smile and take the tiny paper cup. The pills rest on my tongue, waiting for her to hand me a cup of water to wash them down. "Okay, now open up and let me take a look." I do as she asks, letting her check to make sure I really did swallow them. "There, that's better. You really had us worried today."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to worry about me." She smiles, tells me she knows and mentions that I must have had a very exciting day. She was right. It was exciting. I saw him.
"So where did you go?" I wanted to tell her, she was the closest thing I had to a friend in this place. I wanted to tell her, but I couldn't. I lied and told her, nowhere special. Just for a walk. "Well the next time you want to go for a walk, tell someone. The garden outside is nice and spacious, plenty of room to stretch your legs."
"It sounds nice." I've never been out to explore the grounds, until today. Except when I got outside, I just kept walking. "I promise next time I'll stay in the garden."
"Okay." She pats my hand, smiling at me as if we have resolved something. "I'll be back to check on you later." I smile back until she leaves the room. I curl up on the bed and take a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut as I try to picture his face. He has a nice face, strong jaw line and intense eyes.
When I stood outside of his house today, I felt like I was home. He would take care of me. I would explain that they could not help me at that hospital; I only needed him to get better. I was about to step up onto the porch and knock on the door when I heard voices coming from inside. They were getting louder and I'm not sure why, but I hid in the bushes. That's when I saw him, fling open the front door and step onto the porch. The muscles in his jaw were tight; his eyes glossed over with tears. I began to step out of the shrubbery; my first instinct was to comfort him. Something was wrong.
"Alex." Her shaky voice stopped me. "Alex, we have to talk about this." She looked worried, like that day in the hospital. The day she brought Doctor Shapiro in against Alex's wishes. I heard the doctor speaking to me, yet all I could concentrate on was her face as she and Alex talked.
He scrubbed his right hand down over his face; he didn't turn to look at her. "I know alright, I know."
"Alex." She sounded upset, hurt by something. I wonder if they are still fighting.
"Izzie, I know!" He whipped around, startling her. "I just need some freakin space, why can't you understand that?"
Silence falls over them for a short moment, her eyes dropped to the splintered wood of the porch, where she seemed to be concentrating on the brown chips of paint that had peeled off. She wrapped her arms around her chest, lifting one hand to wipe the tear that started to spill down over her pale cheeks. "I never meant for this to happen." She started to sob.
Jealousy tugged at my heart when he took a step forward, raised his hand to cup her cheek. "Look it's gonna be okay, it's just a lot to deal with right now." She nodded; I wondered what it was that she never meant to happen. I had heard rumors; she had an affair with a married man. It's amazing how much information you can obtain while standing near the nurse's station.
She moved away and leaned up against the railing. "What am I going to do Alex? What about the clinic?"
"What about the clinic?" He shrugged.
"I can't raise a baby and be a surgeon and run the clinic. Bailey couldn't do it, how can I?" It explained so much, she was pregnant. What about the married man, did he know?
"We'll work it out, I promise. I'm not letting you do this alone." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted, it was just…" Sucking in a deep breath, I had to calm myself. Alex was going to help her work things out. Why was he getting involved, did he want to use her baby to replace ours? How would the married man feel about it?
"I know, it was only supposed to be one night." One night with the married man? So much for the rumor of a long lasting affair. "One night." She repeated, miserably. "Can I be honest with you?"
"You can." He nodded.
"I wanted more." That simple statement seemed to take him by surprise. Before he could respond, she continued to spill her confession. "I wanted it so badly."
"Iz." Her name died on his lips as she stepped forward and kissed him, cupping his face in her hands. Suddenly, I couldn't breath. My cheeks burned and I could feel my heart racing. She was kissing him and he was definitely kissing her back. It was clear in that moment, that my baby wasn't the only thing he wanted to replace. "Izzie?" He pulled away first. "We can't keep doing this, I need to know…"
"I love you." She blurted, stunning herself. "I'm in love with you. It wasn't just sex; I'm in love with you." I felt as if I had been slugged in the stomach, a good hit that knocked the wind out of you. Izzie was in love with Alex, and they had sex. My stomach churned, leaving it twisted in knots. The bile rose in my throat, threatening to spill all over the slippers I wore.
"I'm in love with you too Iz." My mind screamed out, willing my feet to move. I couldn't hear anymore, I didn't want to. "I've never said that to anyone before." My feet weren't listening; they remained planted firmly in their place. "Never been in love before, it scared the shit out of me when I realized I felt that way about you. That's why I did what I did, with Olivia. I was scared."
"We both made mistakes Alex."
"Yeah, but if I hadn't made that one mistake with Olivia then it would have saved us from making all of those mistakes." I was forced to listen while he told her how all the women he had been with since her, were mistakes. He talked about having sex with Doctor Montgomery; she was as surprised as I was. I hadn't known it ever went that far. Then he mentioned how some girl named Lexie was meant to ease the pain of her being with George, who I think is Doctor O'Malley.
Suddenly I remembered the conversation I had with the girl in the gallery, the other girl Alex was screwing, as he put it. I think I heard someone call her Lexie. "What about Rebecca? I know you cared about her and if things were different, if she had been pregnant?"
"Yes, I cared about Rebecca and who knows what would have happened if she had been pregnant with my kid." Despairingly, I waited for the rest. "I would have stayed with her Iz, I would have stayed with a woman I wasn't in love with…but that doesn't mean I would have ever gotten over you." As she leaned forward and tasted his sweet kiss, I tasted salty tears as they ran down my face.
"So I guess we're gonna have a baby." She giggled as he nestled his head in the crook of her neck. Her arms wrapped tightly around him. I backed away slowly, trying not to rustle the leaves of the bush that was providing me cover from the two lovers. I couldn't let him see me, not now. Not after learning the truth. There was no Ava, there never had been. For him, there was only Izzie and I was just Jane Doe.