A/N: This is technically a song fic, but not much of one. It's got more substance than your usual song fic. I promise. I just happen to be in love with this song right now, and it really reminds me of Bella during New Moon. So there you go. This is set during New Moon. The months we didn't see, and the months we did. One-shot. Bella/Edward.
Disclaimer: I'm not SMeyer. Sorry. I'm also not Maria Mena, so I don't own the lyrics.
I've run out of complicated theories
So now I'm taking back my words
and I'm preparing for the breakdown
Edward left. Just like that, he was gone. She remembered the moment it crashed down on her so suddenly.
"You…don't…want me?" she had asked.
And he had replied with a resounding, "No."
She fell. She fell into herself, into the darkness. She did not resurface.
After that moment, things were different. Minutes later, he was gone. And things changed. She was back to her terrifyingly ordinary existence as the ordinary Bella Swan. Though now, of course, she didn't appear as ordinary. No, she stuck out in school as usual, with her baggy sweatshirts and down-cast eyes. However, she had never felt more ordinary in her life.
Her life changed from manual to auto-pilot. She didn't have control after that night in the woods. Not really.
For a while, she decided to pretend it never happened. That she had never known him. She thought maybe it would be easier. He had told her that humans forgot these things eventually, but it didn't take long for her to realize she'd never forget. And pretending was just too painful.
Your t-shirt's lost its smell of you
And the bathroom's still a mess
Remind me why we decided this was for the best
In October, she tripped over one of her floorboards and cracked it open. There she found an old, white, button-up shirt of his that she'd made him leave in her room one night. Bella had loved the feeling of wearing his clothing when he couldn't be there – when he was off hunting. It made her feel like he was still there with her, a little bit.
She picked it, put it on, and sighed. Bella thought that perhaps her other missing things were under floorboards, as well, but as she wrapped her arms around herself and buttoned the middle buttons, she was suddenly too tired to care. So she got into to bed, and she slept. She slept for a very, very long time, and suddenly she couldn't remember the last time she had actually been awake.
Because I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you
Love…
In November, leaves fell from the trees. Warm shades of gold, reminding her almost sickeningly of his eyes. Of all of their eyes. She survived, as was expected of her, but she didn't really live. She took comfort in night's dark embrace. The darkness that kept her from seeing things everywhere that reminded her of him.
She kept her grades up, just like before. Really, they improved. Academics served as a wonderful distraction from the life she was tired of living. It wasn't long before she was in the top ten of her class. She did well in every subject. Except English, sometimes. She avoided all the readings in the Shakespeare unit.
I know the distance is a factor
But I stretch as often as I can
My goal's to reach your hands any day now
Please don't blame me for trying
To fix this one last time
I have a hard time as it is
In December, the desperation kicked in. The numbness had been lost in simpler times, and she would wake up screaming from nightmares of loss. She would wander around the woods aimlessly, sometimes running, hoping to find their meadow. But was it ever really theirs? She sometimes pondered the thought. It had always been his, and she'd thought it was hers, as well. But with the way he left, Edward – she cringed at the name – wouldn't really think of it as hers at all, would he?
She wondered often where he was. The cover story was hot and sunny Los Angeles. That was as likely as Bella ever accepting a date with Mike Newton. She thought that maybe they'd moved up to Alaska. Hadn't he mentioned other vegetarians – she almost laughed at the term – up there?
Because I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
Snow fell in January. She was reminded painfully of the first snow she had witnessed with him. He seemed very amused that she hated it so much, with everyone around her boisterous with excitement. She smiled fleetingly at the memory, to her own great surprise.
For just a moment, she thought that maybe she was getting better. That maybe she was healing. Moments later, a boy walked passed her with hair the shade of copper. He looked up at her, and she did not find his face. Her throat closed up, and she dug her fingernails into her palms to keep her composure.
She knew nothing had changed.
Don't act like you don't know me
It's still me I never changed
I'll be here when you come back
February came, and she visited Jacob. The hole inside her felt just a little bit better – the band-aid wasn't healing anything, but it made the wound look better, at least.
She rode motorcycles and heard voices. Well, one voice in particular.
She did everything she could to keep the voice with her.
She became reckless. He could break his promises, so she could, too. She would do anything to hear his smooth, velvet tones. Even if they were an illusion. She would do absolutely anything to hear his voice.
Even jump off a cliff.
And I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you
love...
Alice came back after that. A chain of events were sent into motion with the jump, and it wasn't long until she was back into Edward's arms. It didn't hurt to think his name, then.
After Italy, they were back in Forks. Everything had settled down, for the moment at least. It was the first hour they were back, and Bella promptly fell asleep on the leather couch in Edward's room. He held her while she slept, and she found comfort in the coolness of his arms that were finally wrapped around her again.
She woke up from empty dreams and found him staring at her, his hand tangled in her long, brown tresses.
"Hi," he murmured, a gentle smile playing on his lips.
"Hi," she smiled back at him, grabbing his hand.
And she resurfaced.
Hope you enjoyed. I've been feeling pretty uninspired writing-wise the past few weeks. So I would REALLY appreciate any response you will give me. Do you like it? Not like it? What did you like and what did you not like? Please and thank you. :)
-Laura