She's left with pieces.
Pieces of who she used to be, memories, really, nothing more.
Severus Snape was a lightning bolt in her life, and within an instant, he was gone.
"Alright there Evans?"
The cigarette in her hand shakes, and she grits her teeth. Potter. The reason Sev was jealous, the reason Sev left her, because the stupid prick one door down had the nerve to talk to her.
"Fuck off Potter."
She's not looking at him, but she can almost feel the way he stops, how his body stiffens and he nearly drops his laundry basket.
The door doesn't close. Lily crushes her cigarette on the ground and gets up, itching for some scotch and some ice cream, and a world without stupid boys and stupid jealousy and stupid James Potter.
His trainers slap the concrete as he walks back out, and Lily squeezes her eyes shut.
"Postman messed up today. He gave me this." He pushes his hand forward, and she's forced to open her eyes so she can grab it.
"Have a good night then Lily." The door closes this time, softer than usual. She glances at the letter, and her heart constricts. It's Sev's handwriting, her name delicate and straight, his letters almost cut short. She knew him well enough to know he was angry when he wrote it.
Music shakes her back to life, the loud, crazy rock music that Potter and Black listen to on Saturdays. She can see Black dancing around the room through the curtain, and she rushes back to her room, her fingers tapping keys as she texts the girls. She really needs some scotch, and she definitely needs ice cream.
xXx
I have given myself two weeks to end it, and if I haven't, take this letter as official word. I cannot do it anymore Lily. I deserve better than someone who whores around her time with other boys.
"He did not say that!" Mary drops the letter her face screwed up in anger. "Oh I swear if I ever get my hands on that piece of s- "
"Shup up!" Marlene knocks Mary over as she reaches for the paper, nearly spilling her drink. "Whoring around! Lily Evans whoring around! With who?"
"The stupid bloke next door. He would say hi to me, and every now and then I would stop to chat, and Sev got jealous, because I talked to him. He called me a slut when he broke it off."
The girls gasp, and Alice rushes forward, pushing the bottle of scotch into Lily's hands. "Don't listen to him. That's such bull shit. You're better without him, any guy who says you can't talk to other blokes is scary."
Lily still wants break something, specifically James Potter's face, but instead, she gets shit faced drunk and sings karaoke love songs with her friends and passes out on her couch, with Mary's legs as a pillow.
xXx
There's two sets of flowers on her porch the next morning. One is all done up, a vase, a ribbon, a typed card. The other, is just a handful of flowers, stuck in a water bottle.
One of Severus. The other is from Potter.
Sev's is the fancy one, the one with the heartfelt, computer typed apology, saying he was wrong and sorry and that he over reacted. She tosses them in the garbage.
Potter's is simple. She knows the flowers are from Sirius's little garden out the back window. The note says a sorry, with a terribly drawn happy face, and his name. On the back, it says she owes him a drink.
She contemplates throwing them out, but instead she places them in the kitchen, and walks outside, bringing the remnants of the night before to the curb.
"Alright there Evans?"
She turns, not nearly drunk or sober enough to deal with James, only to be met by her neighbor spotting a black eye.
"Jesus, who hit you?" Without thinking she walks toward him and gently touches the area around his eye to make sure it's not broken. It's habit she developed from med school. He breaks into a smile and barely flinches as her fingers ghost over his skin.
"You must have been more wasted than I thought if you can't remember."
"What are you on about?"
James pries her hands away from his cheek, and takes a step back.
"I popped out last night to see what the racket was, and you punched me in the face. Completely out of nowhere, saying something about how I ruined your life. Marls explained Snape broke up with you because of me." He shrugs and starts moving back to his apartment. "Sorry if I was."
The door shuts before she can apologize or thank him or anything.
xXx
She leaves the beer on his doorstep.
Lily knows when he gets from the sound Sirius makes.
And so it starts. Homemade cupcakes show up outside her window. She had Mary set the extra lasagna they make on the mat on her way to work.
Lily should be upset about Snape, she feels, but she can't be. He calls her five times day. Her garbage is filled to the brim with flowers (she leaves some for James and Sirius.) But Lily doesn't want to answer his calls. She doesn't want to talk to him, because she realizes, she hadn't loved him in a while.
He was degrading. He made her feel small and dependent on him. She hated his politics, his stance on multiple important issues, the way he didn't like her talking to other guys.
Snape shows up 3 weeks after the letter.
She's alone. Mary is at work, and Marlene is in Spain for the week, and Severus Snape stands in front of her with another bloody bouquet of flowers, and her she deflates.
Lily didn't have to look at his face for three weeks but now, looking at him, eyes all dark and sad, she feels like she was the one who broke his heart instead of the other way around.
"What?" She wants to sound angry, but she knows she just sounds resigned.
"You haven't answered any of my calls." He takes a step forward, as if to move into the house, but Lily instead pushes herself outside, onto the terrace, where she won't be alone with him.
"Because I don't want to."
"Why not?"
She wants to rip her hair out, she wants to run away, she wants to be anywhere else than outside with Sev, but she can't.
"Because Sev, you wrote a letter saying you needed to break up with me because I dared looked at other guys. You are threatened because I say hi to someone who isn't you, you called me a whore. So no, I don't want to talk to you, or work this out. You broke up with me."
His face tightens, and for a brief second, she gets scared. She knows about the groups he had joined online. She had seen the things some of the people who he called friends had done to their girlfriends, to people who disagreed with them.
"You were flirting with that prick- "
Lily hears the blinds behind her shift, and an overwhelming sense of relief fills her.
"And his stupid friend made comments about- "
There's a tap on the glass, and she turns, to Sirius smiling at her, but a question in his eyes. She waves at him, and he disappears.
"See. Why do they always have to interrupt when I'm talking to you. Why do you always have to give your attention somewhere else. Lily, did I ever even matter to you?" Severus says. He's moved closer to her, and he's gripping the flowers in his hands, and she wants to run, but she straightens herself up, and pushes him back.
"We're done here. I want you to leave. And I don't want you to come back."
Sev's eyes flash, and he takes a step back. "You'll regret this, Lily. One day- "
James's door swings open and he comes out whistling, a milk crate of beer cans in his hands.
"Alright there Evans?"
Severus sneers and pushes past James, crashing their shoulders against each other on purpose.
"Enjoy him. I'm sure he'll enjoy having a slut in his bed." He turns the corner and disappears down the stairs.
She doesn't realize she's crumbling, until James's arm encircle her and pull her to him. She sobs into his chest, the sound of his heart the only thing keeping her in place, keeping her there.
"I don't know what I did." She says. She tries to compose herself, but James just lets her cry, petting her hair softly, whispering quiet, soothing words to her.
Lily stops crying, and pulls him into her apartment. She needs someone. She needs to not be alone.
He sits at the counter as she rushes around the kitchen, pulling various tea mugs and teas from different cabinets.
"Thank you." She says. He smiles, a genuine smile at her, before plucking one of the teas from her and reading the ingredients.
"Next time he comes around, just knock on the window. Or the wall. Sirius and I have a good reputation for beating up pricks."
"I can fight my own battles."
James looks up at her over his glasses, and she's struck with how pretty he is. Lily knows it's not the time or place, but his eyes catch the light just right, and his lips are so, so pink, and his hair is basically begging to be touched, and wow, Lily realizes James Potter is pretty.
"I know you can. But someone needs to punch that ass in the face. Hard."
Instead of answering she pours him some tea.
They sit in silence, sipping at tea. Lily doesn't know what to do with the new information she acquired, so she doesn't do anything.
"Lily."
She glances up at him, and he sighs, before placing his cup on the table, and moving toward her a step. Her heart stutters, and he cups her face, fingertips brushing along her cheeks, his hand warm against her cold skin.
"I don't think you're a slut." He says. James swallows, and her eyes flutter. "Can I kiss you?"
The question is so simple, so beautiful in the moment, that she almost cries. She nods, and he leans in, and-
"I HAVE A BAT!" Sirius Black bursts through the door, a baseball whirling in his hands. James jumps away from Lily, the moment broken.
"Where is he? I'm going to bash his head in and teach him a lesson."
"Black." James glares at his friend and Lily watches as he walks toward the door.
"You never came back. I thought I had to defend your honor." Sirius's shoulders slump. He turns to Lily and shrugged. "Both of yours."
She can hear James sigh from the door. "Let's go Padfoot." He pushes Sirius out the door and turns back to Lily. "If you need anything, the doors always open. Goodnight Lily."
Lily wants to beat Sirius Black over the head with his own baseball bat, but instead she pours herself more tea and waits for Mary too come home so she won't be alone.
xXx
After that, they basically live in each other's apartment. He gives he a key, so she returns the favor. Sirius makes dinner. Lily meets Remus, the third head of their friendship, and Marlene and Sirius start to sleep in each other's rooms. And it works.
But James still hasn't kissed her and she wants to scream.
They sit next to each other during movie nights. When the lights go out and they decide to have a candle party, he slings his arm around her shoulder, and she leans into his chest, and it feels right but he still doesn't kiss her.
She doesn't kiss him either. Because she's afraid it was only in the moment, and that he didn't actually want to kiss her, and maybe that she should stop, because, just because a beautiful boy would give her his sweaters, didn't mean that he wanted to date her.
So she starts to steal Remus's sweaters, and Sirius's leather jackets when she's cold, to try and move on or anything. It doesn't help.
"Maybe you should just kiss him." Mary offers, as they get ready to go out.
"No! I can't do that!"
"Why not?" Marlene walks into the room, fiddling with an earring. "I mean, that's how I got Sirius to sleep with me. I think the same principle goes for dating."
"I just- "Lily's cut off by a knock at the door.
She rolls her eyes at her friends as she pushes her way out of her room. James Potter stands in front of her, looking just fantastic in a button down and jeans. He even attempted to fix his hair. He's leaning against the door frame, glancing at his watch, a handful of the flowers in his hands.
"It's Remus's birthday. I'm not supposed to be the one getting presents." Lily says. James looks up, and he almost drops his flowers.
"Jesus." He drags his hand down his face, and Lily wants to melt into the carpet. "You look lovely."
Her heart leaps, but she squashes it down. "Thanks Potter. So do you."
He holds up the flowers and smiles. "I thought your kitchen was looking a little dull without some flowers. You guys almost good to go?" He follows Lily into the kitchen.
She stops to grab a vase, and he collides into her. His hand comes up to her waist to steady himself, and then next moment, Lily is twisting around and crashing her lips into his.
He drops the flowers into the table, and cups her face, kissing her back.
Lily never wants to stop kissing James Potter ever. He's gentle with her, but she can feel the heat from his body pressing against hers.
He pulls back first. "Jesus."
"Nope, it's just me."
He laughs and kisses her again. "God Lily, I've wanted to kiss you for ages."
"Me too."
His drags his hand along her arm, and she shudders. She doesn't want to go out tonight. She wants to kiss James Potter forever. She wants to know which tea is his favorite, and why his hair is never quiet, and if his freckles run down his chest.
His hand brushes against the bottom of her dress, and she hears him swallow hard. She grabs his hair and drags him back down to her lips.
"Ladies! If we don't leave soon we are going to be late for our reservation, and then we'll have to rush through the presents! Moony has an itinerary! Oh." Sirius walks into the kitchen.
James doesn't jump away from her this time.
"Fucking finally." Is all Sirius says, before he starts to clap, causing Mary and Marlene and Remus to walk in and join him.
But Lily doesn't care. James Potter likes her back. She feels safe with him.
She's no longer in pieces.
James flips them off, and presses his lips back onto hers.
Lily is so happy.