Election Season
"So where to, boys?" asked the Joker, as he, the Penguin, and Two-Face left the Iceberg Lounge and headed out into the streets of Gotham.
"Don't ask me – personally, I don't see what was wrong with doing our planning in my establishment," sniffed Penguin.
"It's boring, Pengers," said Two-Face. "We always hang out in the Iceberg Lounge when we make our plans to kill Batman. I just want a change of scenery for once, to see what other dives are out there. This is a big city, you know – I'm sure we can find a better, regular hangout."
"Well, you won't get my discounts," retorted Penguin.
"When I used to go out partying with Bruce Wayne, we went to several different bars a night," continued Two-Face. "It was fun, taking in all the atmosphere."
"All right, no need to name-drop, Harv," said Joker. "Anyway, you probably went to bars to pick up women, which frankly has no chance of happening with you two freaks around. We got the short, fat, deformed one, and the scarred, gross, disfigured one. The ladies won't know who to run away from first."
"Really? You're gonna play the disfigured card?" demanded Two-Face. "You're not exactly smolderingly handsome, you know, J."
"Tell that to Harley!" chuckled Joker. "Anyway, I don't need to pick up chicks – I got a stable, psychotic girlfriend at home who will do anything to me I want anytime I want it. Unfortunately for her, that's not that often."
"Nobody is picking up chicks!" snapped Penguin. "That's not why we're meeting! We're meeting to formulate a plan to kill the Batman, and that's all!"
"Hey, you can't tell me what I can and can't do," snapped Two-Face. "If I see a woman at a bar and wanna chat her up, you aren't gonna stop me!"
"We don't need distractions – this is serious business!" snapped Penguin.
"Aw, c'mon, Pengers – no point in doing serious business if you can't have a little fun with it, that's my motto," chuckled Joker. "No chatting up dames for me, though – I'm committed for life, y'know."
"Your loyalty to your incredibly unhealthy and abusive relationship is an inspiration to us all," said Two-Face, sarcastically.
"It obviously is, otherwise why would you keep going back to the Plant Lady's garden?" chuckled Joker.
"Because it's sometimes difficult for people with half a face to get dates!" snapped Two-Face. "And you might have the libido of a sloth, but not all of us do!"
"How do you know what kinda libido a sloth has?" asked Joker.
"It's a slow animal – I assume it has a slow libido to match," retorted Two-Face.
"Y'know, it's not a very good joke if first, you gotta explain it, and second, you ain't sure it's accurate," said Joker. "You might be giving people the wrong impression about sloths. And what's a sloth ever done to you that you wanna spread lies about 'em?"
Two-Face ignored him, heading off into a side-street. "Speaking of libidos, how's the dating scene for you, Pengers?" asked Joker.
"It's fine," snapped Penguin.
"Really? It's just I've never really seen you with a dame – I kinda always assumed you were basically asexual," said Joker.
"Well, I'm not," retorted Penguin. "I have a sexual drive like most people."
"Yeah? For what? Women? Men? Penguins?" asked Joker.
"None of your business, Joker," snapped Penguin.
"Hey, there's nothing to be embarrassed about - I don't care whatever way you swing. I'm just making conversation," said Joker, shrugging. "Only there are these rumors about you and Riddler, and if they're true, I will make fun of you. Not because you're gay, but because of the whole choosing to date Riddler thing…"
"Harvey, wait for me!" called Penguin, ignoring Joker as he hurried after Two-Face, who was pushing open the door into a bar called The Two of Hearts.
"I'm just trying to do guy talk, Pengers!" exclaimed Joker, as he followed them inside. "Talking about chicks and sports is what guys do! And if you're not into chicks, I'm just trying to cater the conversation to whatever floats your boat!"
"I'll get us both doubles," sighed Two-Face to Penguin, as he headed over to the crowded bar. "We'll need it with J."
"Joker, this is a business meeting," said Penguin. "I would prefer if we kept the topics of conversation relating to that business."
"Understood," said Joker, nodding. "So is Batman the guy you really want, and you're just using Riddler as a placeholder?"
"Harvey, get me a pitcher!" shouted Penguin.
"I don't think they do pitchers of scotch," said Two-Face, looking at the menu. "But maybe they'll make an exception when they see who we're drinking with."
"You gentlemen have arrived just in time – the ladies are on in ten minutes," said the bartender, nodding at Two-Face.
"Ladies?" repeated Two-Face. "I thought this was just a bar, not a strip club."
"We have several exotic dancers, sir, of various styles," replied the bartender. "But I'll try and postpone them until after you've finished your drinks if they're not your thing."
"Oh, they're my thing," replied Two-Face. "Can't speak for anyone else accompanying me, but they're definitely my thing."
He brought the drinks over to the table, where Penguin had withdrawn several sheets of paper. "Now if we could please focus on our plan to kill the Batman with no further distractions," he squawked. "Particularly not anything of a sexual nature."
Two-Face said nothing, sipping his drink slowly. They were exchanging ideas for their Batman killing plan ten minutes later when the lights dimmed, the music blared out, and the women strode in from the back, climbing up on the bar and tables to dance.
"Really, madam, we're trying to work here!" shouted Penguin over the pounding beat to the woman on top of their table. "Why don't we put the dynamite trap over by the seal pit?"
"What?" shouted Joker.
"I said, why don't we put the dynamite trap over by the seal pit?" repeated Penguin, louder.
"I dunno if they're her real tits, ask her!" shouted back Joker.
"They look real to me!" exclaimed Two-Face.
"For God's sake, I'm not talking about her!" shouted Penguin.
"Sorry, I thought you were overcompensating to quash the gay rumors!" shouted back Joker.
"I'm talking about the plan!" roared Penguin.
"I can't even see the goddamn plan!" shouted Joker. "Here, sweetheart, get off the table!" he shouted, shoving the dancer violently forward off the table and onto her face on the floor. Needless to say, they were very quickly asked to leave by the management, and ended up seated in another, quieter bar around the corner which only had a small television on, playing the news.
"I'm just not sure two tons of dynamite will be enough, Harvey," Penguin was saying to Two-Face. "He has been known to escape death traps like that before."
"I asked the coin, and it said two was fine," said Two-Face. "I can flip again if you want."
Joker was bored of the plan already – he had contributed his idea of a death trap ride filled with smiling, animatronic, homicidal dolls, and he was more a man of broad vision rather than little details. He usually left those to other people, like Harley or the henchmen, to implement, since his mind had a tendency to wander and remain unfocused on one thing at a time. Currently, his mind and eyes wandered over to the TV, which was playing one of Lex Luthor's presidential re-election campaign commercials.
"In the past four years, President Lex Luthor has cut taxes, created jobs, and protected America's borders from her enemies. But there's so much more he has left to do to keep our country prosperous and safe from illegal aliens from across the border, and from super-powered aliens from outer space. Re-elect him to protect truth, justice, and the American way."
Joker laughed hysterically. "Old Lexy's stolen Supey's slogan! I love it!"
"Luthor's got a good campaign team, I'll say that for him," agreed Two-Face, looking up at the TV. "They can make even the most unlikable candidate seem better than the alternative. It's not like Luthor actually has anything appealing about him that would make anyone want to vote for him. He's an ethically bankrupt sociopath whose only attraction is his money. When I was running for DA, I only had my looks and charm and drive, and I won in a landslide. Luthor could never pull off a victory like that on his own merits."
"Well, yeah, he's bald," agreed Joker, nodding. "There goes his sex appeal right there. Not that I'm a good judge of that with men – back me up here, Pengers."
"Harvey's right – the campaign team is very important," agreed Penguin, ignoring Joker. "The only reason I became mayor is because I had a great team backing me, who made people overlook my hideous appearance and dubious morality by making the other guy out to be Satan incarnate. In my experience, elections are less about your policies or what you say about yourself, and more about how bad you can make the other person look."
Penguin's phone rang at that moment. "Is that Riddler?" chuckled Joker. "I bet he doesn't think you got a hideous appearance!"
Penguin glared at him as he picked up the phone. "I'm in a meeting – I'll call you back!" he snapped. "That was Francois, my tailor," he said, hanging up.
"You're dating him too?" asked Joker. "You devil, Pengers!"
"We didn't need any mud-slinging in my DA campaign," said Two-Face, changing the subject in order to avoid Penguin bottling Joker in the face. "That was all clean and above board. I won because I was the best guy for the job – justice prevailed."
"And so instead of mud-slinging, you got acid slinging in your face, and now you're a bipolar supervillain," said Joker, nodding. "So that's how fair elections end."
"Sadly, yes," agreed Two-Face, sighing. "Anyway, Luthor's got this election in the bag. Usually the new guy has a slight edge against the incumbent president, since people always crave a change, but Luthor's just too powerful to cross. He silences opposition by any means necessary, and he never gets caught doing it. He appears squeaky clean, but that's only because he's bought and paid for everyone and everything, including the presidency. I don't even know why he's bothering to run campaign ads. By fair means or foul, he's going to win the election. Anyone who tried to challenge him would have to be crazy."
Joker's eyes lit up. "Crazy, eh?" he repeated, glancing at the TV where the news was running a report of Luthor's incredible lead in the polls. "Well, I hate politics as much as anyone, but it might be a good gag."
"What might be a good gag?" asked Penguin.
Joker slammed his fist down suddenly. "I'll do it!" he exclaimed, standing up. "I'm gonna challenge Lexy! I'm gonna run for President of the United States!"
"You?" repeated Two-Face. "Joker, that's insane. Everyone knows you as a homicidal maniac – no electorate is stupid enough to vote you into power, let alone the highest office in the land."
"Yes, and anyway, you've missed the primaries," said Penguin. "They were several months ago. You can't just throw your hat into the ring at the last second. That's not how elections work in this country."
"It is now!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "I'll just kill the guy running against Lexy, make it look like an accident, and take over his campaign! If anyone has a problem with that, they'll suffer accidents too! Lexy may think he's already won this election, but he didn't count on a Joker in the deck! I'll return this country to the values on which it was founded – life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness! Well, maybe not the first two, but definitely that last one!"
Underneath the TV was a standee of the Statue of Liberty with the day's specials written on her gown. Joker seized this, and kissed the picture of the statue on its mouth. "Hold on, Lady Liberty, Joker's coming to save you! I'm gonna make America laugh again!"
He raced out the door of the bar, with Two-Face and Penguin staring after him. "You know, none of this would have happened if we'd just stayed in the Iceberg Lounge," commented Penguin at last. "I don't have televisions there."