Notes: I originally posted this fic under an old account on March 31, 2012.
Disclaimer: This was originally written in Chinese by Lily 蓝百合. You can read it here: tieba dot baidu dot com slash f?kz=819360604 (replace dots and slashes accordingly). I have permission to translate it into English and post it here.
Please Give Me a Balloon
Originally by: Lily 蓝百合
Translated by: aritzen
Look –
A giant Ferris wheel, a merry-go-round, and a flamboyant clown carrying helium balloons. Brilliant colors, so dazzling, too dazzling. Hold out a hand, I want one too. A balloon.
"Oh dear – "
A balloon drifted away from the clown's large and clumsy hands. A helium balloon, a pink balloon. The clown was still smiling, and smiling. Reach out to grab it. But it flew up and up until it was smaller than a bird in the blue sky, floating through the clouds. Released. Free.
Stare at the balloon flying away, crestfallen and helpless.
-x-
The color was bright and blinding, in contrast to the dark sky. The first time he saw him, his hair caught his eye, because of that grey, grey sky.
Takasugi Shinsuke narrowed his eyes. The color was calling out to him.
A hidden memory? A hidden desire? A hidden emotion? Or a hidden soul?
-x-
Kamui. Gang leader at Yato Industrial High. Kagura's brother. Violent. Manipulative. Sadist. Always smiling. Wears a black coat that says "I am king of the world." Full of himself.
These, he knew. Some, he knew from before. Some, he heard about it later on.
"...Then I asked if I could fight him, because Shinsuke-sama doesn't care about weaklings. But guess what he said. 'I don't hit girls.' With a smile! So I swung my fist at him, and look!" Kijima Matako held out her wrist, the red finger marks still visible. She was angry and upset, like an over-watered plant. "I hate men like him! Shinsuke-sama, it's best to stay away from him!"
Takasugi Shinsuke only smiled and glanced at the marks on Matako's wrist, wondering how little strength the other man used.
-x-
Matako was just another person he sent to observe Kamui. Every Friday, Kamui would stop by their school to visit Kagura and occasionally spar with her sorta boyfriend Okita Sougo. What he noticed was that Kamui never stood under the sun for long.
"I'll check it out myself tomorrow."
Matako stared at him in disbelief. He chuckled, a strange tilt to his pale lips.
-x-
He didn't know why he was interested in this man. Maybe it was the hair color. Maybe it was the smile. Or maybe it was the similarity. Oddly enough, he could feel a mild thrill whenever he saw Kamui, as if the beast in him had found its own kind. As if... he wanted to take possession.
He had to take possession.
The sky was grey again, covered in thick clouds, blocking the sun millions of miles away. Takasugi skipped the last class, leaning against the gate with a lit cigarette, and waited, like a predator waiting for its prey.
His heartbeat was steady. One, two, three.
The dark green eyes caught a pile of pink. He looked up and watched as Kamui approached with a smile, the braid bouncing.
"Mind if you put that out? I hate the smell of smoke," Kamui said, his tone cheerful. He was closer to the gate now, and he slowly opened his eyes. Blue, as if his eyes had stolen the color from the sky.
"And if I don't?" Takasugi smirked, a dark expression fleeting across his face.
"Tch, how rude." Kamui also smirked, revealing his teeth.
"Look who's talking." He blew smoke out of his mouth and into Kamui's face.
"Don't try my patience." Kamui's eyes weren't smiling.
Takasugi tugged on Kamui's braid and brought it to his lips.
"You wanna fight?" Kamui's eyes were wide open, glistening and dangerous.
"My pleasure." Takasugi stepped closer.
-x-
That day, they could've fought, could've destroyed the gate of Gintama High, could've set the record for the most destructive fight in the entire school history. But they didn't. Because after Takasugi put out his cigarette, about to start, Kamui covered his mouth first. There was no cigarette butt in his mouth, only Kamui's tongue and a strawberry candy.
Kamui's reasoning was: He had to refresh Takasugi's breath before they fought, otherwise he would pass out from the smell, putting him at a disadvantage.
They could've fought regardless. But they didn't. Because instead of pushing him away, Takasugi pushed him to the wall, and they ended up in a heated kiss, his hands on the redhead's waist and head. Entangled, and enthralled.
Takasugi's reasoning was: Since Kamui wanted to pick a fight that way, he wasn't gonna lose.
Besides, his lips were softer than he expected.
In the end, the entire school witnessed the event after the bell rang, and the atmosphere suddenly became extremely hot and damp. It took two teachers to pull them apart, and legend has it that after they separated, they continued to gaze at each other longingly.
But legend was wrong. There was no "longingly." There was only the gaze of two predators who found their prey. The same kind of predator.
-x-
Takasugi Shinsuke liked Kamui. It was something that even pigs knew.
Well, a lie (?) that even pigs knew.
-x-
"Stop spreading false information." Takasugi furrowed his brows as he looked at Kamui, who was seated on the couch across from him, hair down and shirt unbuttoned.
"What. I only told my right-hand man. He's the one telling the world as part of his revenge." Kamui said as he sucked on a piece of candy, looking like an innocent child.
"You still told him I like you," Takasugi said in an impatient tone.
"Oh, was I lying?" Kamui tipped his head. "You were the one who sent all those people to spy on me, and you intentionally waited for me so you could pick a fight."
"That doesn't mean I like you," Takasugi stated flatly. "You were the one who kissed me first."
"Ha, I wanted to see how you'd react." Kamui smiled. "You were the one who returned the kiss. But well, if it's not 'like,' then chalk it up to my imagination."
Takasugi fixed his gaze on the man, on the loosened hair.
Pink.
Against blue.
Smiling eyes.
Just like the balloon so many years ago, bright and blinding.
-x-
Kamui had been stopping by the school more and more often lately. Every time, he'd have his arms wrapped around another person's shoulders, either Okita Sougo or Gintoki, always smiling, as bright as the sun that wasn't by his side.
Was he pushing his buttons on purpose?
Takasugi walked past him, brushing shoulders, a delicate distance. Calm, firm, a shallow arc.
Can you see?
Through the crowd, he walked, his shoulder still sensing Kamui's temperature. The same ice-cold.
-x-
The sun was shining, as if it were sprinkling gold dust on everything, glittering.
Takasugi was amidst the crowd, the people coming and going at a hurried pace. Every heart has its wounds, and every pair of dry eyes has something painful to wet it.
Whereas his heart was already rotten.
Heh.
There were always people in the amusement park. Couples, or parents with children, or grandpas and grandmas, here to have fun. Happy. Loving. He could feel the warmth. He liked places filled with festivities.
He was wearing a purple shirt, flowery red and purple, an elegant golden butterfly over his chest. He attracted attention wherever he went, his unreadable yet captivating smile catching people's eyes.
As if the more wretched someone was inside, the more they could show something beautiful outside.
That man, he knew, was the same.
The beast within was clawing.
But why was that person's smile so clean? Making him reach for it?
The discomfort he experienced whenever he saw him with another person scared him. As if he didn't want that person's lips against someone else's. As if he wanted to lock him in his arms.
He'd never felt that way before. It was so foreign, so... dangerous.
Did he fall for him?
-x-
Because they were alike. Too alike, so attraction was inevitable.
"Mom! Look! I want a balloon too!"
He lost track of his thoughts and turned his gaze. A child was clutching onto his mother's sleeve, shouting, pointing at the balloons in the clown's hand. Different colors, bright colors. A smiling clown, and children surrounding him.
And then he was lost in time, going back to when he was also a child among them but without a mother's sleeve to tug.
Just standing there. Watching as the balloons were taken away, one by one.
A dull gaze.
-x-
"Hello, anybody home?"
Pink fell into his view, and a smile.
Kamui was holding an umbrella, Chinese style and purple, and a lollipop in his mouth.
"What're you looking at?" Kamui turned his head, and Takasugi followed, looking at the laughing children.
"Do you want a balloon or something?" Kamui looked at him, but he didn't respond.
When Kamui patted his head, he said quietly, "I'm not a kid anymore. He's not going to give me a balloon."
"If he doesn't give it to you, just fight for it. It's not like you're weak."
And then, and then, Kamui grabbed his hand and pushed their way through the crowd. He couldn't see his back because of the umbrella, but he could see the tip of his braid dancing from side to side.
His hand was warmer than he thought.
There was one more balloon left. Blue, like the sky.
"Takasugi, you gave up before you even tried. Y'know, just say – "
Just say –
"Please give me a balloon."
The clown nodded with a smile, saw Kamui pointing at Takasugi, and handed the balloon to him.
See, so simple.
Just say... Please give me a balloon. That's it.
That's all there is to it.
-x-
They sat on the bench in the park, under the shade. Kamui was eating strawberry ice cream, and Takasugi was holding onto the helium balloon. Sky blue.
"Couldn't tell you liked balloons." Kamui licked his ice cream like a rabbit as he watched the balloon, the strand of string between Takasugi's fingers.
"...It's not that I like them," Takasugi said after a pause. Balloons were always bright, beautiful, and at the same time, blinding.
Like the person sitting next to him.
"I was supposed to hang out with Kagura today, but she and that damn Okita ran off to the Ferris wheel." He was almost pouting. "I hate that guy. How can a sister abandon her brother."
"Other people think you get along really well with him." For some reason, he felt sour when he said that. Every single time, Kamui would put his arms around Okita Sougo's shoulders.
"We're just joking around. I won't stoop so low to steal my sister's man." Kamui smiled.
"And Gintoki?"
"He and Sougo are people I rather admire," Kamui said, buoyant. "Sougo and I are kind of alike. Though... maybe the person most like me is you."
Takasugi's dark green eyes watched him, a bit dazed. Kamui was still smiling, a soft tilt to his mouth and eyes.
"Who knows."
Takasugi's unreadable and captivating smile, slightly attractive voice. Perplexing.
The balloon escaped from his fingers.
"Ah – "
Kamui had been focused on his ice cream, so he couldn't catch it either, but he still jumped up on tiptoes, waving his arm. Takasugi sat there, feeling the lingering warmth of the string rubbing against his skin.
It flew higher and higher, until the balloon blended into the sky, returning the blue.
-x-
A place that the hand couldn't reach.
He watched the sky in silence. To gain is to lose.
So he wanted nothing. So he wouldn't hurt when he lost it.
"Ahh, that's too bad." Kamui sighed, slightly disappointed. "It was a very nice balloon, too. Right, Takasugi?"
Takasugi didn't respond.
Kamui fixed his gaze on him and spotted, beneath the cold mask, a childish grievance.
"Takasugi," Kamui said.
Takasugi looked up at him.
"You're such a masochist."
"What." Takasugi's tone was as calm as still water.
"You only know how to watch and long for what you want from afar. After you get your hands on something you like so much, you don't hold on to it tightly. You just let it go. Who's the one to hurt the most? Yourself."
Kamui didn't move. In the lively park, they were in a quiet corner.
Takasugi's gaze remained on the sky, and he squinted, trying to find the balloon that drifted away.
If I can have you... If I can really have you.
Will you leave? If I hold on very, very tightly, will you still leave?
"Kamui..."
The boy looked at him, absentminded, and clueless.
"I..."
Looking at him. And looking at him.
Blue eyes like the sky. Calm but free.
Maybe it's possible. Maybe it's not. If not, what then? If you leave, what then?
What should I do then?
"What?"
" – Nothing."
Kamui saw the small smile on his face, nodded, opened the umbrella, and walked away.
-x-
The biggest coward is yourself.
-x-
Now he would stop by the school every day, bringing along his delinquent friends. The difference was that he'd wave to Takasugi, but a simple action like that caused a flurry of discussion among people.
It was just a friendly wave. Only a friendly wave. Nothing more.
Matako's face was filled with annoyance every time she saw Kamui. Ever since the kissing incident, she'd throw dirty looks at Kamui. Takasugi never said anything.
Who's the one to hurt the most? Yourself.
Heh. Was it really 'like dissolves like'?
-x-
Under the spring sunshine, sakura was blooming, living a short but beautiful life, always blooming at this time. Life is short, so it blooms even more.
They were everywhere in his sight, like someone's hair. The sweet flower scent filled the air, and breathing became easier.
Are you at a place where I can reach?
Who could answer that question?
He lay under the sakura tree, watching the petals drift like snow that didn't belong to this season. Pink like a girl's rosy cheeks. One of them landed on his lips, soft and sweet, like the lips that he'd kissed once.
Unknowingly, he brought his fingers to his lips, not realizing that his face was warm in the cool breeze.
He extended his arm. The drifting pink mixed in with the blue.
Flying.
Balloons. Helium balloons.
He sat up and stared at the petals in his palm.
If you hold it tightly, it won't fall out.
I want to see you, I really want to see you.
And with that, his legs started to move on their own. He held the petals in his hand, so tight that they were becoming damp.
Kamui, Kamui –
"Kamui."
I call you, and you're here.
Kamui was standing under the sun, between the trees. The golden sunlight shone, dying his pale white skin warm yellow, as if he were glowing. The sakura petals floated in the wind, against his hair, so beautiful.
Kamui wasn't smiling, and when Takasugi stepped closer, he could see that the small stature looked as if it was about to vanish under the light.
Takasugi held onto him, finding Kamui to be surprisingly cold under the sun. They walked to the shades and sat down, against the tree.
"Idiot." Takasugi tightened his arms around Kamui's body, noting the thin waist that seemed like it could break anytime. "What were you doing under the sun?"
"Looking at flowers," he said, his voice low, almost inaudible, but his tone still so proud.
Takasugi looked at his face, taking in the blue-purple tinge on the pale skin. Dangerous. About to disappear.
"Are you crazy?" Cold. He was so cold.
"That's you." A smile of some sort.
He himself was cold, and yet he still wanted to warm him up, so he held on even tighter, burying his nose in his hair soft like silk, kissing it.
"Heh, I'm also pretty crazy, aren't I?" Kamui said, his gaze lifeless. Things that you want are often things that you can't have.
But at least he tried, whereas you...
Try.
Ask.
He's in your arms. Don't let him run away.
Say... Say what?
Just say, please give me a balloon.
That simple.
"Kamui."
"Yeah?"
"Please stay with me."
-x-
Please stay with me.
See, so simple.
-x-
Kamui's bangs were hiding his eyes, but Takasugi could see the slightly parted lips, and then the arch.
"You're really slow, Takasugi."
His dark green eyes could see the softness in the blue eyes glimmering like water.
"Okay. I'll stay with you."
His smile was brighter than the sun.
And you could feel the joy.
Takasugi kissed him. Testing, at first, carefully, lightly. And then there was no more control, like desire burning, like fire burning, like the light that couldn't reach them.
-x-
Are you at a place where I can reach?
Yes, always and forever.
-x-
"When I was young, I went to the amusement park once. I'd lost my parents by then. It was a beloved teacher who brought me there. He had long hair, like you." He combed his hair with his fingers. "The same park. The same Ferris wheel. The same tree. The same store. There was a clown, holding a lot of colorful balloons in his hand. The last one was pink, the exact same shade as your hair." He held him closer. The small stature, he never realized, could disappear so easily. "I wanted that balloon, but I didn't ask. I just looked at it. And then, the clown let it go, and the balloon flew away. He was always smiling. I just remember that pink balloon, floating in the sky, so free, so – blinding. I never got a balloon," he said.
He was only saying, telling, and Kamui was only listening, listening in his arms, eyelashes dancing, shining like pink light.
-x-
And then the teacher died. He said he'd bring me to the park, to get a balloon, but he died protecting me while crossing the road.
He died.
His blood was over my body. His blood was warm. That was the last warmth he left me.
I almost laughed.
And then the sky was filled with balloons.
Pink balloons.
-x-
Can you hear me? My cries?
I'm afraid. Afraid of losing, afraid of gaining, afraid of the same result.
Never tried. Ever.
But you'd always heard me, right?
That's why you kissed me.
That's why you're still here.
Please, don't leave.
-x-
He held onto Kamui.
Kamui stroked his hair. Kinder than anyone else.
-x-
Takasugi Shinsuke and Kamui were together. It was a fact that even pigs knew.
-x-
Sunday, August 10.
He held in his hand a piece of paper with Kamui's messy handwriting. His lover's words, ink smudges, and hidden in there, a warmest smile.
The cloud cover was low and thick, but there was still light in the world.
His eighteenth birthday.
He followed the arrows that Kamui drew on the walls, some of them awkwardly drawn in pink chalk with a rabbit on top.
Walk, turn, arrive.
It was the amusement park again.
Still the same crowd, the same Ferris wheel, the same tree, the same store.
He walked, and walked. In the cool weather, he looked for Kamui, and in the grey weather, his hair was bubblegum pink jumping out, and, and...
He was holding onto a lot of balloons.
Different colors, bright colors, but soft. The one with the longest string was a pink balloon.
Kamui was standing there, smiling in the crowd. Why would such an ordinary scene become so memorable with him there?
Takasugi pushed past the crowd, pushed past the clown. He was smiling, dark green eyes glistening, the corners of his mouth tilted upward.
"Hey, Shinsuke," Kamui's clear voice sounded. "What should you say?" He tipped his head, smiling, like an innocent child, holding onto floating balloons.
"Just say," he said, smiling, standing so close to his lover.
It's that easy, that simple.
"Please give me a balloon."
.
.
Fin.