HABEN SIE GEHÖRT DAS DEUTSCHE JEDI?

by Vicki Vance

Anakin meets a 'foreign' Jedi and learns a lesson. Funny if you know a little German. Confusing/amusing if you don't.

Rated PG for German insults.

Author's Notes: I sincerely apologize to all German and German-speaking people for the butchering of the language. If you are in the dark as to what the characters are saying, or what I was trying to convey, just ask and I will tell. PLEASE DO NOT REVIEW THIS IN GERMAN! IN ENGLISH ONLY!

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or German, although it would be fun if I owned German. I'm not sure how that would work... I am making no profit from this.

(Anakin and Obi-Wan are sitting in the Temple library. The Padawan is reading from a text pad entitled 'Lernen Sie Deutsch, Bitte!' He is reading agonizingly slowly and incorrectly, much to the annoyance of his Master.)

Anakin: V- v... Waaannn k-komme-

Obi-Wan: Kommst.

Anakin: Kommst du shoe

Obi-Wan: Zu.

Anakin: Tu.

Obi-Wan: Zu.

Anakin: Tu.

Obi-Wan: No, Anakin. Zu. Start with a 't' sound and melt it into a 'z'. Zu.

Anakin: Tu.

Obi-Wan: No. That's not right. Make the 't' sound and just hold onto it.

Anakin: T- (Obi-Wan glares threateningly at him) Shoe?

Obi-Wan: No, no, no! Wann kommst du zu Essen? How hard is that?

Anakin: It'd be easier if I knew what I was saying!

Obi-Wan: 'When are you coming to dinner?'! And I'll tell you, you won't get any nourishment until you get this right.

Anakin: Okay, when will I use this? Huh? Will I ever in my meager, meaningless, simple life need to know Dutch?

Obi-Wan: Deutsch.

Anakin: Whatever.

Obi-Wan: It is a very structured language, more so than Basic and easier to learn.

Anakin: phft.

Obi-Wan: (ignoring him) Also, Jedi prefer to give codes in this language. Innuendo is often delivered in this language. (Anakin doesn't look convinced) I have a friend who grew up speaking Deutsch. Would you like to meet him?

Anakin: Sure. It's better than doing this.

(They pick up their texts and Obi-Wan leads his Padawan to the Communications section of the Temple. They meet a man a head shorter than Obi-Wan and chunky about the midsection)

Obi-Wan: Guten Tag, Herr Nüchternheit.

Nüchternheit: Guten Tag, Herr Kenobi. And this is Anakin, no? Guten Tag, Anakin. Was ist los? Wie gehts?

Anakin: uhhh...

Nüchternheit: Wie geht es dir? Was ist los? (to Obi-Wan) I thought you were teaching him the language of the sneaky simpleton.

Obi-Wan: I am, well, trying to. He doesn't see the worth of learning it.

Nüchternheit: Doesn't see the worth? Silly child! Don't you want to be smart?

Anakin: Yes...

Nüchternheit: And don't you want to excel in all your skill developments?

Anakin: Yes...

Nüchternheit: And don't you want to insult your friends without their knowing?

Obi-Wan: er...

Anakin: You bet I do!

Nüchternheit: (mood suddenly changes) Well, you can't if you don't know Deutsch! Herr, Kenobi, los uns einen Streich auf ihm spielen!

Obi-Wan: Das ist eine gute Idee.

Anakin: (trying to understand what is being passed between his Master and the linguist) That is a good... something. And I heard something about playing from you, Master Nüchternheit.

Nüchternheit: Er weiß ein bißchen Deutsch.

Obi-Wan: Ein bißchen nur.

Anakin: What are you guys saying?

Nüchternheit: You should know, but since you don't - Du bist ein Dummkopf. (taps his temple his a finger)

Obi-Wan: Nein, er ist ein Scheißekopf.

Nüchternheit: Master Kenobi! How rude to speak of your student in such a way! Schnöde!

Anakin: (angrily) What did he say? What did he call me?

Obi-Wan: (shrugging a little defensively) Er schnarcht.

Nüchternheit: Aha! Ich verstehe deine Belastung! Du hast meinen Mitlied.

Obi-Wan: Danke.

Anakin: (excitedly) That was thanks! That was thanks!

Nüchternheit: Seh? Er ist daß dummer nicht.

Obi-Wan: (laughing) Jedermann wissen, was 'danke' bedeutet!

Nüchternheit: Ja, aber...

Obi-Wan: Kein 'aberen'! Er muß eine Lektion unterrichte werden.

Nüchternheit: Los uns ihn falschen Wörtern necken.

Obi-Wan: Okay. Ummm... (clears his throat. Anakin watches with suspicion, waiting for something strange to happen) Jetzt komme ich immer mit dem Moped zur Schule.

Anakin: What?

Nüchternheit: (laughing) That was good! I wasn't expecting that. How about... Ich erhielt keinen Körper und niemand Obacht.

Anakin: What did you say?

Obi-Wan: Ich finde deine Gesicht sehr teuer.

Anakin: What did you say?!

Nüchternheit: Das Gras ist immer auf der sonnigen Seite der Gopher-Bohrung grüner.

Anakin: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING?!!!

(moment of silence)

Nüchternheit: Actually, it'd be 'was die Hölle Sagen Sie?'

Anakin: I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS IN DUTCH!

Obi-Wan: Deutsch.

Anakin: WHATEVER!! I CAN'T STAND NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU GUYS ARE SAYING ABOUT ME! AND I KNOW YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME! YOU'RE MEAN LIKE THAT! BOTH OF YOU!

Obi-Wan: But, Anakin, we're not talking about you.

Nüchternheit: We're not talking about anything.

Anakin: (calming down) Really?

Obi-Wan: Yes. He said something like, 'the grass is always greener on the sunny side of the gopher hole'.

Nüchternheit: And he told me he thought my face was expensive.

Anakin: What? Really?

Obi-Wan: Yes, Anakin. I'm just trying to show you all the fun you can have with knowledge. The more you know, the more you can prey on little boys with short tempers.

Anakin: -grumble- Fine! I'll learn Deutsch.

Nüchternheit: Ahh! Music to my ears! Auf Wiedersehen, Schnikel Fritz!

(the Master and Padawan begin to walk back to their room)

Obi-Wan: (after a moment) Do you think I'm mean?

Anakin: Yes. You were teasing me.

Obi-Wan: I had good reason too.

Anakin: No you didn't! Mom told me that teasing was bad and I never did it. My own Jedi Master is telling me my mom is wrong, and she isn't!

Obi-Wan: I never said that.

Anakin: Yeah, well, that's what it means to me.

Obi-Wan: (stops, kneels beside Anakin) I never meant to insult your mother. Although I did not have the chance to meet her, Qui-Gon described her to me. I don't think a woman like her could ever be wrong about anything.

Anakin: (quietly) Thanks.

Obi-Wan: (smiling, standing, starting to walk) Besides, I was only playing a trick. You are always pulling pranks on me. Remember the glue in my boots?

Anakin: (snickers) That was funny.

Obi-Wan: (tightly) Until I developed an allergic reaction to the bonding agent and walked like a Gungan for four days after the healers took care of my cuticles.

Anakin: That was a bonus!

Obi-Wan: And then there was the time you put laxatives in my coffee and locked the bathroom door.

Anakin: (sniggling) The look on your face was just priceless.

Obi-Wan: And then, and I'll never forget this, you once told Yoda I was going crazy and was highly unstable and could crack at any moment...

(Anakin claps his hand over his mouth to stifle himself)

Obi-Wan: And about six Knights and Healers tackled me while I was lightsaber training with Kikel. They sedated me...

Anakin: mheheeheehehehemm.

Obi-Wan: Pumped me full of drugs...

Anakin: mhehm-snort-heeheemmm

Obi-Wan: And put me on suicide watch in a padded room with a fashionable yet unexpectedly confining shirt until they figured out they'd been fooled...

Anakin: (stops walking, bends over laughing, clutching his sides)

Obi-Wan: Two days later.

Anakin: (wiping away tears) That was great.

Obi-Wan: Oh, I was in hysterics, Padawan. Of course, that's what they all thought. And no one's looked at me the same since.

Anakin: Wizard, that was so funny. Two days of bliss.

Obi-Wan: Two days you could have spent learning, you little Scheißekopf.

Anakin: (stops laughing immediately) Uh...

Obi-Wan: Not so funny when you're on the receiving end, isn't it?

Anakin: No, Master.

Obi-Wan: I'm only just, Anakin. I'm not mean. I'm giving you exactly what you give me. Although I do not believe in this cruel form of punishment, you have responded to nothing else and since the asylum incident I feel like I've been forced into a corner with you.

Anakin: Sorry, Master.

Obi-Wan: It's all right. (ruffles his student's hair) You're worth it. Now, let's go learn insults in Deutsch. And maybe some in Huttese.

Anakin: But, I already know Huttese. I heard the worst of that language on Tatooine.

Obi-Wan: (raising his eyebrows) Ohh, did you now? Are you sure?

Anakin: Well, I think I did.

Obi-Wan: (sing-song) I don't know. I know some pretty nasty things.

Anakin: Oh yeah? Like what?

Obi-Wan: Let's make a deal. For every complete sentence you put together in Deutsch, I'll teach you a naughty word you don't know.

Anakin: Okay!

Obi-Wan: Now, how do you say 'when are you coming to dinner?'

Anakin: Wann kommst du zu Essen?

Obi-Wan: (blinks) Wow, that wa-

Anakin: Now teach me a dirty word!

Obi-Wan: Anakin, I hardly think it appropri-

Anakin: C'mon, Obi-Wan. You promised!

Obi-Wan: Well...

Anakin: You're always telling me to learn something new.

Obi-Wan: Okay. Repeat after me. Ich...

Anakin: Ich.

Obi-Wan: Bin...

Anakin: Bin.

Obi-Wan: Warm.

Anakin: Warm. Ich bin warm! ICH BIN WARM! What's it mean?

Obi-Wan: It means, er, means 'I am... happy.'

Anakin: But that's not dirty.

Obi-Wan: Happy, Anakin. What's another word for happy?

Anakin: Uhhh.

Obi-Wan: Think about it.

Anakin: (realization dawns on him) You... PEEDUNKEL!

Obi-Wan: Hey, I know what that means! I'm fluent in Huttese, too, you know!

Das Ende

Like it? Strange, I know. But I love the language. Love it to bits.