Lots of LaMontagnes

My name is JJ, and I have a lot of kids. A shit ton, if you will. No, I had a shit ton when I began this blog six years ago. Since then, my husband Will and I have gone from eight children to twelve.

Yeah. You read that correctly.

Twelve kids. Twelve.

Here's a quick tally of our dozen: Henry is 16. He's our rock, but he's also a junior in high school, so shit can be rough. Michael is 15. He's the class (family?) clown, always ready with a joke. Kaitlyn is 13. Now that she's in the eighth grade, we're entering the world of teen girl-dom. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated. Benjamin is 11. As long as he has a soccer ball to kick around, he's happy. We have nine year old twin girls! Eva is probably the closest thing I have to a mini-me. She loves to make big plans and boss all of her siblings around. (I never said that being my mini me was a good thing…) Violet is our quiet, shy girl. She also happens to have autism spectrum disorder. Sophia is 7 and oh my god what a firecracker! Expect to see her on a television screen near you in fifteen years. Johnathon is six. He's our whiz kid, our scientist. He's also the reason why at any given time I'm on the phone with a plumber or electrician. Max is four. He's a tiny charmer, which he absolutely gets from Will. Then we have twin tornados Oliver and Ethan. Somedays I want to sell them on Etsy, but at the end of the day I really do love them. And finally, we have 6 month old Hazel. Oh my sweet Hazel. She's a wonderful baby, which is lucky because she spends a lot of time strapped to my chest.

This blog is a chronicle of the chaos and calamity, as well as a shout through the darkness to the other moms and dads who might feel like they're losing their minds.

"It's time to get up." I groaned. "It's almost five thirty." I let out another groan. "I brought you a cup of coffee." I cracked an eye open to look at Will. He gave me a grin. "There she is." I sluggishly raised up onto my elbow and thrust my hand out. He pressed the mug into it and kissed the side of my head. "Good morning."

I took a sip. "Good morning."

"What are the big plans for today?"

I yawned, slowly sitting up fully. I grabbed my phone and opened the calendar. "The usual. School for the bigs. My mom's taking Oliver and Ethan so I can get some work done. Oh, and Hazel has her pediatrician checkup at two. And then… yeah. Henry has basketball after school. Kaitlyn has cheerleading."

"Alright. I'll be off about two, but I better head that way."

I gave him an extra pitiful look. "Don't leave me."

He chuckled and gave me a kiss. "I'll see you this afternoon."

I glanced up at the clock. "The bus will be here in twenty minutes! If you miss it, you will be walking, I'm not driving anyone!" I pulled the brush through Eva's hair. "Do you want a ponytail or pigtails?"

"Ponytail!"

"Mom did you sign my slip?" Benjamin asked from across the table.

"What slip? You didn't give me anything to sign."

"I have to have a physical for soccer. I also need twenty five dollars in cash."

"Shit," I whispered under my breath. "Why didn't you tell me last night?" He shrugged, slurping milk out of his spoon.

"Will a check work?"

"I don't know."

Henry came in to the dining room, his backpack slung over his shoulder. "Hen, do you have any cash?"

He pulled out his wallet. "I have… twenty bucks."

I finished pulling Eva's ponytail into place. "Can I borrow it and pay you back after school?" He nodded and handed it over. I grabbed my purse from off the kitchen counter and began rooting through it. "Okay… one, two… oh here's a five- OUCH!" Hazel, who was strapped to my chest in her carrier, had wound her sicky little hand into my hair and yanked down hard. I thrust the twenty five at Ben, trying to unwind my hair from Hazel's grasp at the same time.

"You still need to do Vi's hair!" Eva declared.

"I know, honey."

"You can't forget her!"

I took a deep breath. One of the symptoms of Violet being on the autism spectrum was a reliance on others to speak up for her, and her twin sister was more than happy to take on that role. However, we had been trying to encourage Vi to speak up a bit more, without stomping down Eva's protective streak. "I'm not going to forget Violet." I tugged my hair out of Hazels' fist and piled it on top of my head, out of her reach.

I tapped Vi on the shoulder and showed her the brush to let her know I was about to start. She nodded and returned her attention back to her book. I began combing out her long brown hair. "Do you want a ponytail or pigtails?"

"They shouldn't be called ponytails, horses have their hair down," she told me.

"That's a good point." I waited but she didn't say anything else. "Do you want your hair in one," I tapped her gently on the crown, "Or two?" I tapped her on each side.

"Give her two!"

"Eva, let Vi talk. Violet?"

"Two." She repeated my taps.

"Alright." I glanced at the clock again. "Ten minutes!"

I finished pulling Vi's hair into her pigtails and glanced around, counting off in my head. I began to yell upstairs. "Sophia! If you want your hair done-"

"It's already done." I glanced down at Kait.

"She did her hair?"

"No, I did. I braided it."

"Oh thank you!" She rolled her eyes at me and I bit my tongue, not wanting to have a fight with her right before she left for school. "Alright Ben, hand over the slip." I sloppily signed my name on the line then grabbed a washcloth, wiping off Oliver's face where he was strapped into his booster seat.

"Potty!" Ethan suddenly screeched from next to him. I hurriedly unstrapped him and began the dash towards the nearest bathroom.

"I need nine bodies by the front door, dressed with shoes on and backpacks zipped!" I made it to the bathroom and sat him down next to the potty chair. "Alright little man. Let's potty."

Ten minutes after the oldest nine had loaded onto the school bus, my mom swung by to pick up the twins. She helped me out by taking them three days a week so that I could work from home doing public relations work for several different companies. I managed to get quite a bit done before loading Hazel into the car and setting off for the doctor.

Mallory was our family's GP, and had been with us since we had moved to Alexandria nearly fifteen years ago. That seemed like a thousand years ago, when we'd only had Henry with Michael on the way.

"Knock knock!" She stepped into the exam room with a smile. "How are you?"

"We're doing okay!" I gave her a hug.

"This is Miss Hazel's six month check up?"

"It is... Can you believe she's already this big?"

"It seems like just yesterday you were having the twins!"

"Which set?" I asked with a laugh.

She carried on with business, making sure the youngest member of our clan was in good health. When she'd been given the all clear, she gave me another smile.

"Be honest, how are you feeling?"

"I'm tired," I admitted. "But I've been tired for like…twelve years now."

"But you're feeling more run down than normal?"

I shrugged. "About the same?"

She gently took my hand and took my pulse. "Heart rate's a little fast."

"It is?" She pulled out the thermometer and slipped it under my tongue. "I really think I'm fine, Mallory," I mumbled around it.

"Just humor me." After several moments it beeped and she took it out. "You have a slight fever."

I groaned. "Oh god. If I have a virus you're going to have to take me out back and shoot me. I can't take the chance of passing it on to the kids."

She laughed. "I don't think that will be necessary. Have you had your period?"

"No, but it always takes a bit for it to come back. Plus I've been working so hard to lose some of the baby weight." I pulled at the bottom of my top. While I had taken off a good fifteen pounds, I still had another fifteen that I wanted to get rid of.

"JJ…" I glanced up at her and laughed.

"Mallory. Don't you look at me like that." She took Hazel from me and handed me a small jar.

"You know the drill. Down the hall. Fill it up to the line and bring it back so we can run the test."

"You can't be serious."

She caressed Hazel's cheek. "We'll be right here."

I was in a state of shock when I got home. Will was already there, along with Ethan and Oliver who he had picked up along the way. He was surrounded by piles of laundry that he had begun to fold but had abandoned to roll around with the twins.

"Mommy!" They both ran and hugged around my legs.

"Hey, cher. How was the doctor?"

"Mallory said that Hazel's doing great. Completely healthy."

"That's great!" He gave me a kiss and took Hazel from my arms. "Hear that gorgeous? You're absolutely perfect!" He blew a raspberry on her tummy, then began to walk back to the laundry. "And how's Mallory doing?"

"Well, she's probably going to be able buy another new car."

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"Because she's going to have another patient. Or two."

He stopped in his tracks, before slowly turning back to look at me. "…what are you talking about?"

I dropped my purse and Hazel's diaper bag on the couch and gave a tired sigh. "Yup. She confirmed it at the appointment."

He stepped closer. "You're… you're pregnant?"

Tears rushed my eyes and I nodded, letting out a shaky breath. "Congrats. We've done it again."

"For sure?"

I nodded. He set Hazel down in her play pen and pulled me into his arms. "Are you okay?"

I nodded, sniffing back the tears. "I'll be fine, it's just… thirteen? That's… so many!"

"I think a lot of people would argue twelve is also so many."

"I really thought we were done. I was… I was going to look at maybe going back to work."

"Do… do you want to have thirteen? I mean, if you don't we could always…"

I pulled back slightly to look at him. "I don't know. I mean, I know we can love another one."

"Of course we can. But an eleventh pregnancy at your age-"

"Hey!" I playfully hit him in the arm. "Are you calling me old?"

He grinned. "You have the face of an eighteen year old."

"And apparently the uterus of one as well."

He sighed. "Wow. Thirteen. Thirteen kids. How did that happen?"

I rolled my eyes. "You just can't keep your hands off of me."

He smiled and gave me another kiss. "And who could possibly blame me for that?"