Ivan felt that nervous little bubble float up from his stomach to his chest again as he worried over how he was supposed to explain everything to his love.
The Russian knew that he was flawed, but still how could he explain his own flaws to the one that he loved more than life, itself?
He sighed as he stared at the young seeming Italian curled up against him with his beautiful head laying across the Russian's lap.
The Italian was known for his lighthearted nature full of laughter, joy, and curiosity.
Ivan had been nearly intoxicated by all of that since he'd met the bubbly Italian; Feliciano didn't see all of Ivan's flaws.
Feliciano saw someone with childlike innocence and joy to match his own; he saw someone that would fight for and protect him.
While all of that was true, Ivan was more; Ivan was broken in a way that Feliciano probably didn't realize.
Ivan carried his own scars upon his heart, and they hurt and harmed people and Ivan far more than anyone would ever know.
The Russian sighed as he stared at his sleeping Italian and hated himself for even having that; he curled his fingers through auburn hair that seemed as bright as the sun with the carefree nature that his Italian had.
He sighed again and reached down to gently nudge his lover awake.
Feliciano's eyes darted open, and they finally glanced up to lock eyes with the taller lover of the two.
"Feli, I, well, do you know of my past?" Ivan struggled with finding the right words to say and the way to say the words.
"What about your past?" Feliciano was all ears, and it still astounded Ivan how good of a listener Feliciano was despite everything about the Italian that would make it seem not so.
"I was, I was bullied severely as a child." All of those times when he was nearly killed had hurt so much; the pain of it all seemed so unbearable even now, but he continued to speak up, "I haven't reacted right towards it. I snapped, and I put the poor kid in the hospital. He nearly died. I am awful. I hurt people, and I feel like I can't stop."
Ivan loved his Italian so much; Feliciano was one to forgive others easily enough, and he didn't seem to judge anyone really for their faults as he seemed to see the good in everyone.
"Well, everyone can overreact. It must have been awful for you back then. The guilt and the pain had to have been unbearable. You should apologize though if you haven't even if he never does." Feliciano attempted a smile as he answered in a way that somehow made the answer seem simple, and yet it was still heartfelt.
"It doesn't erase what I've done." Ivan insisted; the years after weren't much better either despite the fact that the bullying had stopped.
"Nothing will. You can't erase the past. You can move on though. You won't forget, and he won't. You can live to be better though, and he can. You both can live your lives changed in the ways that matter." Somehow, Feliciano could smile as he filled Ivan's heart up with a hope that the Russian was scared to take.
"I avoid my sister. I am scared of her." He knew that he should spend more time with her as that was his sister; he should show that he loved her like he did as a big brother.
"Talk to her. Let her know how you feel and work out a solution with her." Feliciano's smile brightened then with earnest truth.
"That will work?" Ivan was surprised; he figured that his sister will never listen to him or really have a civilized conversation with him,
"Yes, my brother and I didn't get along for a while." Feliciano admitted.
"You didn't?" Ivan was startled as the two siblings seemed nearly inseparable nowadays.
"Si. We fought quite a bit and didn't like each other at all." Feliciano's eyes filled with so much sadness that Ivan wasn't even sure when he moved to hug the Italian that was practically on his lap.
Feliciano curled up there in Ivan's arm as the world seemed to fade away with just them there to watch it go.
Hopefully, Ivan will be able to handle the situations well that he's been dealt with by his own actions and others' actions as well; hopefully, Feliciano's hopeful advice will work.
Nothing seemed certain in this world yet they knew while everyone's mind changed and hearts may rearrange at least they have each other now and hopefully forever to bring out sides of each other that may have otherwise hid and to be the other's much needed half to help solve each other's problems.
For now, with the world hidden from their minds, they relaxed with just each other and may be a warm kiss or two to lit up the rest of their twenty four hours and may be one day, there will be more time for more kisses.
Love never was simple nor did it necessarily follow the guidelines set in place by human beings to define everything within it's motion.