The Hardest Thing
By: iferleigh
Rating: T (just in case)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone. Though I sure wish I did...
Note: I hit a bit of a block on my other fic so I took a break with this one. I hope you all like it even if this is a sad Grillows fic. I'm not sure if this is a one shot or not. Review and let me know!
Summary: He knew what they were doing was wrong. She didn't deserve this, He couldn't keep doing this. It was time to choose.
Chapter One: Goodbye
She lay next to him, breathing softly, evenly as the sheets pooled around her body, twisted and rumpled. She had a small soft smile playing on her lips and she sighed softly as she dreamt. He strawberry blonde hair lay fanned out around her, making her look angelic and peaceful, beautiful.
He on the other had sat up, his back against the headboard of her bed, looking at her and observing how beautiful she looked as she slept. He saw how peaceful she looked, relieved that she was sleeping alright after the case they just dealt with. She looked beautiful yes and he was so sorry he had to ruin everything while she slept, knowing not what lay ahead of her.
He wanted to hold her, pull her close to him and tell her over and over that he loved her and he loved her with all his heart. He wanted to make things perfect, to just be with her and her only…but it wasn't fair, it wasn't right. He had Sara and she needed him.
Yes, it was true. Sara needed him and for some reason that no one would ever know how to explain why, he liked to be needed. Sara was like a lost child, which in a sense she was, and he loved how she always turned to him for comfort, for love. He was lost, he knew that, but she was even more lost than him and she turned to him because he was the only one she felt safe enough with.
Sara let him break through her walls, she let him see her cry and she allowed him to hold her. She needed him, plain and simple, and he needed someone to need him.
He turned to the woman whose bed he had lain many times now. She was still asleep, still unaware, still smiling softly coocooned in the arms of her dreams. He ran his hands over her hair in a ghostly touch, his hands light as a feather as he touched the golden locks he loved. He always admired her, admired everything about her, and she needed him.
Needed. Past tense type of needed.
In the past she did.
In the past she needed him when she was still dancing, selling herself to live and get by, she needed him when she was falling in and out of love with her future husband then later ex-husband, she needed him when she was in too deep with her addiction to cocaine, she needed him when she was pregnant with a husband who was too high to care, she needed him when her husband was hurting her, she needed him when she was trying to leave her husband, she needed him when she caught her husband with another woman, she needed him when she was trying to carry on after the divorce. She needed him.
Now she was her own person, living and fighting for herself and her daughter. She didn't need him anymore, but she wanted him in her bed even if it meant being the other woman like the one she caught her dead-ex-husband with. She wanted him.
But what good did that do to him? For years he loved her, for years he watched her be with guy-after-guy, bum-after-bum, never seeing how he always cared for her and tried to be everything for her. She didn't see him as anything but a geeky friend, never someone she could love and be with, spend the rest of her life with.
She was always out, looking for love, looking for someone, wanting someone else. And it was never him. She wanted someone and it wasn't him.
He loved her, he did, but she didn't love him, not the way he wanted her to.
Sara did. She loved and needed him and only him.
And he made a promise and after breaking them, while she lay at their house with their dog, Hank, he was determined not to break his promises again. This time he was ready to make a real commitment, to make her trust in him true.
Even if it meant leaving the woman he let himself fall pathetically in love with.
Even if it hurt.
She had hurt him before by marrying someone else, by being doing drugs, by having a child with someone else, by looking for someone else, by sleeping in another man's bed, even by flirting with someone else.
Another one wouldn't hurt and this time it would be just a little different because he would cause himself the hurting and not her. Another hurt wouldn't hurt.
He felt her shift underneath his soft touch, smiling as she leaned into his touch, feeling him as she slept. He almost abandoned his plan.
But then Sara's face came to his mind. Big brown eyes, filled with tears, brown hair in her face, tears running down her flushed cheeks, hands balled into fists, body shaking…
He leaned down and placed a soft kiss onto her forehead, brushing away the golden locks that strayed on her pretty face. He wished, before he decided to go, to see her blue eyes, beautiful blue eyes that sometimes, when his mind would decide to play tricks on him, would mirror love when she would look at him and smile at him.
He sighed softly as he eased off the bed, reading the time and seeing that it was one in the afternoon and in a few hours Lindsey would be home. He decided that it was time to go. He picked up his clothes, getting dressed quietly as not to disturb her.
He thought about how this would change everything, wondering how he could be like a coward and just leave while she slept and dreamt. But he couldn't face her then leave her, didn't want to see the look of rage on her face after he'd been forced to tell her the truth. He knew he wanted to leave this way, with her sleeping and content, smiling softly in bliss. He didn't want to see her look at him with hate. For she would hate him for this, for what he was doing. For what he was doing to her. He wasn't ready for that.
He would tell her that night, before shift would start, he would tell her his decision and beg her to understand. It would be difficult at first for him, her and everyone, but later they would work it all out as they always have. In time, after they all heal and get over it all, they will be okay.
He wished.
He hoped.
He prayed.
He slid on his socks then his shoes and sat on the bed, his shoulders slumped. He looked back at her and wished things had been easier. She was still breathing deep, the smile still on her lips and she sighed once more, softly, blissfully.
He almost didn't want to go.
Then Sara came to his mind again and he decided.
Sara was the one for him and this game they were both playing behind her back had to end now before Sara found out and she got hurt. He had to end it before thing would inevitably spin out of control until no one would be left to save or heal.
He looked at her sadly then leaned to kiss her once more on the forehead, inhaling the scent that was her and committed it to memory while mustering up the courage to finally get up and leave her bed, her life and her. He knew it was the last time he would be able to smell her sweet scent.
Stood up and began to walk towards her door, never looking back.
Then it came. "Gil?"
He froze in his steps, hating how wishes came true. Why did this one have to come true? He didn't mean it. He didn't.
Wishes weren't meant to come true. He always thought they were just stupid childish crap fairytales fed to children. He, as a child, didn't believe them then. What about now?
"Gil?" she said again and he felt and heard her get up.
He took a silent deep breath and turned to her, seeing how she propped herself up with her elbows, her hair around her in a sexy-just-got-out-of-bed way. She was sexy without meaning it, even when she just woke up. That was just the way she was.
She looked at him inquisitively. "Why are you so dressed? Isn't it a bit too early?" she asked after glancing at the alarm clock next to her bed. She held the sheets to her chest.
He swallowed an unfamiliar lump in his throat. "I have to go, Cath."
She nodded. "Did you get called in? God, don't people know you actually need sleep and…"
"No, Cath," he said softly. "No, I didn't get called in. I have to go." This was harder than he thought.
She raised an eyebrow. "Oh. Something happen?"
He shook his head. "I don't know how to say this…"
"Then don't."
He looked at her, wondering if he was actually seeing fear and pain on her pretty face. "Catherine…"
She sat up fully, pushing her body up and holding the sheets pressed to her body. "What, Gil?"
"I have to go," he said softly.
"You already said that." She wasn't making this easy for him just as he had suspected.
He shook his head. "No, Cath, I have to go. I can't do this anymore."
Her brow knitted. "What do you mean 'this'?"
He motioned between them. "Us, Catherine, I can't do this anymore. It's not fair to you, to me and especially not to Sara…"
Her face fell and she knew what he was saying, what he was trying to say. "Oh."
He nodded. "I have to go, Catherine…"
"I'll see you tonight?" she asked, albeit hopefully as she looked at him with such vulnerability he almost had to force himself not to run back to her bed and hold her and forget everything.
But he couldn't do that. He was already hurt now, he wouldn't be able to take much more when things would inevitably fall apart between them should they pursue a relationship. If he allowed that to happen, she would be truly gone and he didn't know how he would be able to take that.
It simply wasn't meant to be.
"Uhm, no," he said softly. "I'm sorry, Catherine, I can't do this anymore."
"Gil…" she said softly.
He thought he could see hurt written on her pretty face. "I have to go now."
"You weren't planning to say goodbye," she said softly, looking down at her lap.
"I-I didn't know what to say…"
"Stay," she said softly, but didn't look at him. "You kissed me like you meant it, you… you held me tight and you loved me…you showed me you loved me…"
He shook his head, wondering whether she was really broken up that he was leaving or that someone was leaving her once more. He steeled himself to say the words he thought he never could say. "I can't stay, Catherine. I'm sorry." He pretended not to hear the rest of what she said.
"Why not?" she asked softly as she lifted her head to look at him, hurt visibly written on her face.
"Sara," he said simply. "I care a lot about her, she trusts me and I promised so much. I never thought I could betray her like this, I can't do this anymore. I can't hurt her like this. She doesn't deserve it…she deserves so much better than this."
She took a deep, shuddering breath. "What about me?"
His eyes fell to the floor and his feet. "She loves me, Catherine."
She nodded. "Then who am I to stand in the way then, right?" she asked with a small, sad smile on her face. "If you love her…"
He closed his eyes. "I do." He tried to pretend he wasn't talking about Sara, knowing that was the only way he could keep his own secret and not get hurt.
She nodded. "Yes, she does love you. Very much."
"I don't know what I would do if she found out," he said softly. "She doesn't deserve to be hurt like this, Catherine. She deserves better than this..."
"I understand," she said softly. "You love her."
He nodded. "I'm sorry if I hurt you like this, Catherine."
She shook her head. "No, it's…my fault. I shouldn't have let this happen. After Eddie…I should know better how this would hurt her. Like it hurt me…"
He nodded. "You loved him."
"Once upon a time," she said with a sad smile, nodding slowly. "I'm sorry…for letting this happen."
He shook his head. "It's both our faults…we'll just…"
"Forget it," she said softly.
He nodded. "Yes, forget." He knew he would never forget. He would treasure the memories.
She smiled. "Then you should go…"
He nodded. "Yes, I should."
"She's waiting."
"She is." He looked at her. "I'm sorry, Catherine…I hope this doesn't ruin…"
"Nothing's changed," she said, forcing out a smile. "Well other than this," she motioned to her sheet clad body. "But we'll work it out…we always do."
"Thank you," he said sincerely.
"Just go."
He took one last look at her and she looked away, preferring to look at the floor. He wondered if she was actually starting to cry. He wondered if she was actually trying to hide her tears. He wondered if he was just imagining things to make himself feel better. He wondered…
He shook his head and decided for the final time what he had to do. He turned to leave. It was time to go. "Goodbye, Catherine…"
"I'll be seeing you tonight," she said quietly.
He nodded though she could not see him. He turned to the door and walked out without a sound, his feet light and soundless against her bedroom floor.
Then he was gone. The silent shut of her door letting her know he was gone for good.
She waited until she heard the familiar sound of an engine starting and the SUV pulling out.
It was then when Catherine Willows allowed herself to break down and cry.