A.N.: the e-mail time stamps are all in NY/Columbus time-zone. In Paris, it's + 6 hours
I may do some illustrations for this – If I do them they can be found tagged as "fic: Is it weird?" on my tumblr, a-simple-rainbow.
Enjoy
-x-
Monday, 13th November, 2014 – 11:12
From: Blaine Anderson (b. d. anderson nyu. edu)
To: khummel gmail. com
Subject: Topics in Contemporary Music – essay delivery
Attachments: TICM_essay_
Dear Professor Humel,
My mid-term essay for your class Topics in Contemporary Music is in attachment to this e-mail, as previously agreed. Please, do let me know if you have any trouble viewing or opening it.
I would also like to apologize again for not being able to hand this in person, or attend the latest lecture. I hope to be back in your classroom in another couple of weeks, but if it does not happen I've already made sure to have all further reading material ready and would be very grateful if we could have a similar arrangement for the final exam/essay.
I'm truly sorry for missing so many of your lectures, as I found them both extremely interesting as well as elucidative on a surprising number of topics and levels.
Thank you again for your comprehension and flexibility. I understand the importance of the exception you've made.
Best Regards,
Blaine Anderson
2nd Year Student – Undergrad Music Major, NYU
-x-
Monday, 13th November, 2014 – 11:45
From: Kurt Hummel (khummel gmail . com)
To: Blaine Anderson (b. d. anderson nyu. edu)
Subject: RE: Topics in contemporary music – essay delivery
Dear Blaine Anderson,
Thank you for such a lovely e-mail, with such a lovely essay on such lovely topics. A thought, I'm sure, will be strongly shared by whoever is your Professor in Topics in Contemporary Music – which I am not.
I'm afraid you must have typed the wrong e-mail (might I guess that you typed in an extra m on the e-mail address, writing hummel instead of humel?), for I am neither an NYU professor or student, and I'm certainly not qualified to be the recipient of such essays, no matter how lovely they are. As it is, I'm just a Fashion Design student.
On that note, if you'd like to send me essays about the ethics of cultural appropriation in fashion I would be eternally grateful.
Finally, I feel that I would bomb the place if that essay did not receive an A (or 100 points, or 20, or top marks in whatever grading system you guys have at NYU), if I were you.
But you should probably send it to the right person, for now.
Have a fantastic one,
Kurt HumMel
-x-
Monday, 13th November, 2014 – 17:57
From: Blaine Anderson
To: Kurt Hummel
Subject: Sincerest apologies
Dear Mr. Hummel,
I am so sorry to have disturbed you. Your guess is very much correct. My Professor is K. Humel and it seems that an extra m makes all the difference. It also helps that, for some reason, said professor refuses to use her institutional e-mail.
Thank you very much for your kind words on my essay, although I'm not sure if you read it or if you were just making a joke. Either way, I smiled, so thanks.
I'm afraid I'm not very well-versed in those topics, but it seems to me that while taking inspiration in a culture and using some of that in one's design is one thing, another completely different would be to outright copy it and use it regardless of context or appropriateness – which seems to be, as far as I can tell, the difference between appreciating and appropriating. I might have some literature on the equivalent subject for music, if you think it might help you?
Bombing would be extreme, but thank you for the idea and vote of confidence.
Again, my sincerest apologies for this misunderstanding, and thank you for being so gracious about it.
Best Regards,
Blaine Anderson
2nd Year Student – Undergrad Music Major, NYU
-x-
Monday, 13th November, 2014 – 19:27
From: Kurt Hummel
To: Blaine Anderso
Subject: I actually read it
Dear Mr. Anderson,
Please don't call me Mr. Hummel. My FATHER isn't Mr. Hummel. I might be fancy, but I'm not into being treated as a fifty year old man when I'm twenty.
You are so polite! It makes me giggle, how polite you are, even towards someone who clearly shouldn't be allowed to correspond with strangers via e-mail (I'm referring to myself, obviously).
Don't you hate it when Professors do that? And then you just have like three different e-mails of theirs and you never know which one you're supposed to use. Ugh.
Anyway, I actually did read your essay, Mr. Anderson. I don't just go around complimenting people's essays without knowing what I'm talking about. And by the way, I hope you haven't already sent it in again, because I just realized I forgot to warn you about the couple of typos you have on the last page. I always have typos on the last page, too (something about being so close to the end and yet not close enough… the despair always seems to catch up to me). Also, the e-mail, although very lovely, was bordering on sucking up to the teacher – so maybe you should revise that, and that flexibility thing…? How about another word, because that's too easy to misinterpret. Last but not least, why are you not in class, you slacker?! I'm concerned!
Oh my god. You did not just offer to help me with my essay! That's so nice of you! Are you super nice? Did you take a vow to be nice even to strangers on the Internet? Because that can be very dangerous, Blaine Anderson. I feel like I would be obligated to call your parents if that was the case. Anyway, don't worry about it. I'm halfway done with my very own mid-term essay on cultural appropriation ethics – and you're right, I think. At least that's what I wrote in it, but with more words and examples… I hope the professor thinks we're right, too.
Better Regards,
NOT Mr. Hummel
-x-
Monday, 13th November, 2014 – 19:58
From: Blaine Anderson
To: Kurt Hummel
Subject: RE: I actually read it
Dear Kurt (?),
I'm sorry. I'm never too sure how I should address strangers on the Internet, regardless of how "approachable" they might seem. That being said, no, you do not need to warn my parents about my manners. After all, they were the ones who taught me the importance of being nice and polite, and besides, I have 99% of my books on .pdf or .mobi format, so if you wanted them the only thing I'd have to do is attach them to this e-mail – it's not like I'd be giving you my actual address. But thank you, for the concern.
I sincerely hope your Professor thinks we're right, too. I may not have read your essay, but I'm sure it was very articulate, to the point, interesting, and given the couple e-mails I've read, quirky in that way that's equal parts hilarious, smart and just a little weird.
Also, I cannot believe you actually read my essay. It was too long for its own good, what do you mean you read it? I mean, thank you so much! Now that I know you did read it, your compliments mean so much more, but still!
AND TYPOS? What do mean typos? Ugh. I hate typos. And yes, I had already sent it. But I did tone down the e-mail, thankfully. Flexible on the misinterpreted sense of the word is most definitely something I think she's not, you know.
I'm not a slacker, thank you very much. I physically cannot be there, seen as I'm in dear old home, with my mom fussing over me as if I was on my death bed. She's exaggerating, just so you know.
I don't get it. Are you saying my regards weren't good enough?,
Blaine Anderson,
2nd Year Student – Undergrad Music Major, NYU
-x-
Monday, 13th November, 2014 – 22:27
From: Kurt Hummel
To: Blaine Anderson
Subject: I would have preferred if you were a slacker!
Dear Blaine (yes),
Now I'm worried! Are you on your deathbed?! Please tell me you have a broken toe or something like that. I'm so worried.
Actually. Just excuse me. It's 04:30 am. I'm not well.
Where is home?
You have a kindle? Ugh. I hate you people with your fancy little devices, poking it to pass the page, acting like you're better than us stupid folk with our heavy, dusty, smelly books, actually having to flip the page and getting scoliosis by the time we're twenty-five.
You called me approachable, which I think is a funny word. It kind of makes it sound like I'm some kind of prostitute you "approach", you know? Ahaha. I'm not a prostitute, though. But I know what you meant – I'm glad you think I'm funny and stuff. I think so, too. About me. I don't know you enough to know if you're funny or approachable like a prostitute. Even though you seem very helpful.
Anywaysssss.
Everything is a competition,
Kurt!
-x-
Monday, 13th November, 2014 – 22:30
From: Blaine Anderson
To: Kurt Hummel
Subject: GO TO SLEEP!
Kurt,
If I'd known it was that late for you I would've advised you to go to sleep so long ago!
Please tell me you're not still writing an essay at this time of the night? If you are, do yourself a favor and send it to me before you send it in. I'll proofread it for you.
Now, go to sleep! And read the rest of this e-mail after you wake up.
The rest:
Home is Ohio. Hooray.
Where are you? Did my e-mail reach Europe? Hummel is a German name, right? Are you a German who speaks fluent English (in which case I can't actually proofread German essays because I don't speak German)?
I am NOT on my deathbed. I had surgery the day before yesterday, but I'm doing fine, and I'll be back as new in a couple days. I'll be discharged from the Hospital tomorrow – with any luck. Even though, from what my dad tells me, it sounds like my mom's been trying to convince the doctor to keep me in ICU for the rest of the year! And to keep the record straight: I was never in ICU to begin with, nor do I need to be. It's very nice of you to be worried, but hopefully once you've had some sleep you'll see that there's no reason for it.
I do have a kindle. It's very useful to read on the subway and alike, but I still keep my dusty, smelly books on the shelf to sniff them once in a while and give into the marveling ways of nostalgia. I love old stuff, even if I appreciate the pragmatic and ecological value of new things. Besides, I don't look down on anyone.
Oh my god! There are no words to respond to that last paragraph, so I won't. I'll just say that yes, that was exactly what I meant and we should leave it at that.
If you say so,
Blaine Anderson,
2nd Year Student – Undergrad Music Major, NYU
-x-
Monday, 13th November, 2014 – 22:43
From: Kurt Hummel
To: Blaine Anderson
Subject: I CAN'T
I HAVE TO FINISH THIS ESSAY TONIGHT BECAUSE I REFUSE TO SPEND ANOTHER DAY ON IT.
I AM IN PARIS. I AM AMERICAN. I'M ON A FOREIGN EXCHANGE PROGRAM.
I AM ON THE LAST PAGE, AND I WILL SEND YOU THE ESSAY BECAUSE IT'S SO LATE THAT I HAVE LOST ALL SENSE OF PRIDE OR DIGNITY.
AND I GUESS IT MAKES SOME SENSE BECAUSE I READ YOURS. ARE WE PLAYING I'LL SHOW YOU MINE IF YOU SHOW ME YOURS?
WHAT KIND OF SURGERY? RED VEGETABLES HELP WITH SCARRING. I'M STILL WORRIED.
I WANT A KINDLE. I'M JEALOUS. I ONLY LIKE OLD STUFF IF THEY'RE CLASSY. IN THAT CASE THEY'RE VINTAGE, NOT OLD.
ARE YOU A PROSTITUE, BLAINE?
GOODBYE,
KURT
-x-
Monday, 13th November, 2014 – 22:57
From: Kurt Hummel
To: Blaine Anderson
Subject: my dignity and my pride
Attachments:
Here. You can have both of them.
There are no words to express my gratitude if you actually proofread it. If not, I understand.
I'm sure I'll be mortified tomorrow and wake up to read the last few e-mails, but right now I just need to sleep for the first time in 48 hours.
Now excuse me while I crawl into my bed.
Greetings,
Kurt Hummel
-x-
Monday, 13th November, 2014 – 23:25
From: Blaine Anderson
To: Kurt Hummel
Subject: I hope you're already asleep.
Attachments: Ethics-KurtHummel_ ; Ethics-KurtHummel_
Dear Kurt,
Hopefully you will only read this in the morning, or early afternoon.
You'll find in attachment two corrected versions of your essay.
Personally, it was very interesting, but I hope you didn't have a minimum requirement of pages, because I ended up trimming it up to seven instead of nine. It was surprisingly fascinating and insightful, but at times it was also a little redundant; to be honest, it felt like you were just repeating yourself for the sake of repeating and it doesn't feel like your style, you know. However, taking into account that maybe you did have to reach a certain number of words/pages, I have also kept a version with your original text, and only the typos and some minor grammar mistakes fixed. College students unite!
I hope it wasn't presumptuous of me, or anything. I promise I didn't mean anything by it, I was really just hoping to help as much as possible.
And I'm horribly bored as well, can you tell?
I'm seriously impressed, especially keeping in mind that you were up well into the night writing it. If I tried doing that I think my essays would turn out to be complete gibberish. So, really, you can keep both your pride and your dignity. Kudos!
I would also advise you against going back to read the last couple of e-mails you sent. Let's just say I thought I was supposed to be the one high on painkillers. I know curiosity is a tempting mistress, but nothing good can come out of that. If you do fall into temptation, you should know mostly I just laughed with you, not at you.
The very BEST regards,
Blaine Anderson
2nd Year Student – Undergrad Music Major, NYU
-x-
Tuesday, 14th November, 2014 – 14:37
From: Kurt Hummel
To: Blaine Anderson
Subject: Eternal gratitude
Dear Blaine,
I feel like this e-mail should be infinite if I were to accurately express both my gratitude and my embarrassment over yesterday's night.
The truth is that even the first e-mails weren't written with an entirely sound mind. I'd had already spent the previous night up writing another essay (that didn't profit from your or even my proofreading, so you can imagine the disaster), and I was stressing over the ethics one. I was alternating between actually writing it, panicking over it, and just doing anything and everything that wasn't it (which would be why I really did read your essay). I may be quirky, as you so kindly put it, but I would never have, with a sound mind, talked to you the way I did yesterday. I'm cringing, because you were just so polite and formal (as one should be when addressing strangers on the internet), and I was just talking to you like we were old friends, to say the least.
Having said that, I'm so happy you don't seem to scare easy, because your proofreading just about saved my essay. With that amount of typos and badly written sentences I would've gotten a C, tops. Now, I'll be dammed if that's not an A (that ought to teach me a lesson about pulling two all-nighters in a row – never again).
The minimum was 3000 words. With your corrections I'm 200 words shy of it, so I'm just going to hope the insufferable man won't notice (maybe he won't even be able to read it, though, his English is terrible! Why is he teaching his course in English?!). The truth is, you're right; it's really not my style to be redundant or beat around the bush. But because I go so straight to the point a lot of times I end up with not enough words/pages to reach the requirements.
Thank you again; you're a lifesaver.
I'm usual super anal about proofreading and doing my schoolwork well in advance, but when I came to Paris I promised myself (and my dad) to give myself a chance to relax, have fun and seize the moment (meaning, sightseeing, of course). However, I don't think it works out all that much when European Professors are absolutely crazy about the amount of work they assign us!
I see from the time stamp that you finished it at 23:30, Ohio time. Having had surgery I hope you know that it's absolutely crucial that you sleep at least eight hours a night (preferably around ten), so that your body can recover as quickly and well as possible (also, red vegetables and fruits, such as tomato, red pepper and watermelons really do help with the scarring process). I may not be panicking over your deathbed, but I can't help feeling concern about this sort of thing. You'll see that I can probably be worse than your mother, just ask my dad – he lives in Ohio, too.
I'm from Lima, Ohio (small world). I bolted out of there asap (as I'm sure you'll understand), to New York. I go to Parsons. I'm in Paris for this semester, though.
I'd understand if you were to never talk to me again, especially after I asked you if you were a prostitute. For the record, it was supposed to be just a joke because you're also so approachable, I think (I hope).
With the appropriate greetings,
Kurt Hummel
-x-
Tuesday, 14th November, 2014 – 16:21
From: Blaine Anderson
To: Kurt Hummel
Subject: Anything to keep me from dying of boredom
Kurt,
I was more than happy to help you out. It was absolutely my pleasure proofreading your essay – truly, it was interesting, and it felt a little bit like I was reading a really big Vogue article. If they ever covered the ethics of fashion, that is.
Perhaps you did not understand my current living situation. I'm forced to stay in bed the whole day, because apparently my mom thinks I'm made of really old fabric that will rip open if I move a single muscle. She will call the nurse if I so much as look like I might need a cup of water. It's a miracle she allows me to go to the bathroom on my own, you know.
I am DYING to get out of the hospital, pun intended.
On that note, I'm not sure I should tell her about the red vegetables. Next thing I know she'll be shoving tomatoes down my throat. And besides, scars are supposed to be super attractive, right? They give you that mysterious and rugged look…?
Don't you worry about my sleeping habits – at this point I even take naps, if that means I get to pass time without it being unbearably slow. It's gotten to the point where I'm tired from sleeping, you know. Is that even a real thing?
I can't believe you're from Lima! I'm from Westerville – just a couple of hours away, right? But at the moment I'm stuck in the pearl white halls of Columbus' best Hospital, or so they tell me. What if I was actually abducted and experimented on and they're just tricking me and impersonating my family? What then? Is this even a real person I'm e-mailing? What if it's aliens?! Are you an alien, too, Kurt?
Anyway, I have too traded the boredom of Ohio for the endless energy of the city that never sleeps. Maybe when you come back from Paris, if you're real/not an alien, we could meet and bask in the glory of NYC together – or just have a cup of coffee, you know, whatever.
Which reminds me to tell you, you shouldn't be embarrassed about yesterday's e-mail. If you had been as formal as expected, we wouldn't have struck up this weird pen-pal-ish thing going on right now. I'm enjoying it; it's keeping my days interesting! That's worth a lot for me, right now! I might tear up, just thinking about how happy it's making me.
I'm not a prostitute. In case you were still wondering. Nothing against them, I'm sure they're very nice, giving and approachable people – such as ourselves, so it seems – but I'm just not into that line of work. I have my sex for free.
I might be a little high on painkillers right now.
If you were truly grateful you'd come break me out of the Hospital,
Blaine Anderson
2nd Year Student – Undergrad Music Major, NYU
-x-
Tuesday, 14th November, 2014 – 18:15
From: Kurt Hummel
To: Blaine Anderson
Subject: I'm laughing so hard right now
Dear Blaine,
That e-mail started so nice and normal, with a little side of quirky, and then it just went downhill from there. I'm so glad that I now know you have sex for free. I'm sure whoever's benefitting from that appreciates the gesture.
Also, I am a real human terrestrial person (although I can't prove it to you, sneaky huh?), and I highly doubt you've been abducted by aliens (isn't that what they want you to think, though?). But if you had, I would not rest until I uncovered all of our government secrets and saved you from the evil clutches of the green people.
As far as attractive scars go, personally, it's never been a big thing. I may understand the appeal, but I just find it… bleh. That's not to say I find them unattractive. I find them… mostly irrelevant. However, of course it depends on the amount of scar and where it's located (did you like my sneaky way of asking what surgery you had? I'm still worried).
You taking painkillers means you were in pain at some point today. I hope you're better now. Please, listen to your mother.
So far, I guess I'd love to have coffee with you… three months from now. We'll see. Will you be high on painkillers, then? In the meantime I guess pen pals is a good thing to be. I've never had one, and I always say one should try everything at least once (actually, I don't, I think that's stupid – some things just aren't meant to be tried EVER).
I would break you out of the Hospital but I don't agree that you should leave,
Kurt
P.S.: I don't have one of those fancy post-signature thingies. Should I have one?
-x-
Wednesday, 15th November, 2014 – 12:01
From: Blaine Anderson
To: Kurt Hummel
Subject: There were some issues with the stitches
Kurt,
I figured I'd make a fool of myself so you didn't feel so bad about your slight moments of insanity, due to sleep deprivation.
Obviously, that's a lie. I asked my brother to read over it and tell me if it was stupid. He fixed a couple of typos and changed a comma.
Why must my family torture me like this?
The scar is on my lower back. Let's just say I could always pretend I had been a victim of an organ trafficking quartel, but miraculously survived to tell the story. That would get me "dark and mysterious" points, no? Can you guess what surgery I had?
What happened yesterday was minor, but the nurses seem to think I'm built like a horse and they were a little too generous with the painkillers. If I'd known I would have just told them to skip it altogether. Really, it was fine. Some stitching wasn't holding up properly so they redid it. The doctor said I still get to go home today, so you can rest assured.
Oh my god, I've always thought that saying was so stupid, too! I've found a kindred spirit, I can't believe it! There are so many things people should never try!
"The defendant stands accused of grand theft auto."
"I was just trying it the one time, your honor!"
"Oh, well, in that case you're still going to jail. You get to try that the one time too!"
Stupid.
Next time I'm high on painkillers I'm going to write a song about it!
I had a pen pal when I was thirteen, Marja. She was from Croatia. She was cool, I think. We wrote each other every month – it was a school thing, everyone in my English class had one. Mostly it was just saying things about our lifestyle and whatnot. I'm afraid to admit I've pretty much forgotten all about her life in Croatia, but pen pals is still a cool thing to be.
Did you see how I glossed over the free sex thing and kind of pretended it never happened,
Blaine Anderson
2nd Year Student – Undergrad Music Major, NYU
P.S.: It's an automatic signature; I have it because this one time I forgot to sign my e-mail to a Professor and it just said "Dear Professor Something-something, Would it be possible to stay after your lecture next week to discuss my essay, seen as I can't make your office hours due to my work-schedule?" and he replied "Dear Mr. Anderson, Yes." And then attached a document with e-mail etiquette guidelines. I think the only thing worse than being schooled about etiquette in college, is being schooled about etiquette you already knew, but just forgot. Anyway, this is my school/work e-mail. I don't have an automatic signature in my personal one. You do what feels right to you, I guess.
-x-
Wednesday, 15th November, 2014 – 18:15
From: Kurt Hummel
To: Blaine Anderson
Subject: Kidney?
Blaine,
Tell me you do not have kidney issues, because those are a PAIN to treat, and so dangerous!
If you're having trouble with the stitches you should definitely let your mother shove tomatoes down your throat.
I think, from what little I've heard of them, I connect to your family on a spiritual level. Thank your brother for me…! Those were some good laughs I got there.
If you write that song be sure to dedicate it to me! I've never had anyone dedicate a song to me, and I think that's one of those things people should experience at least once in their lives. And I cannot believe I've spent this much time without asking you which instrument you play! I play a little, tiny bit of piano, and I used to sing for my school's glee club (and now I mostly keep it to the shower and the odd karaoke night). Although, seen as you're studying music, you probably play like 100 different instruments AND sing. Annoying.
Did Marja ever get to read a letter from you high on painkillers? She would've enjoyed it immensely, I believe.
I didn't until you pointed it out,
Kurt Hummel
Fashion Extraordinaire and Future Ruler of All Things Fabulous
Currently Parsons Student
P.S.: How's that?
P.P.S.: Professor Something-Something sounds like a pretentious dick.
-x-
Wednesday, 15th November, 2014 – 19:28
From: Kurt Hummel
To: Blaine Anderson
Subject: I'M GOING HOME
Kurt,
I'm so happy I could just fly away! I'm going home and my boyfriend showed up to surprise me and he's going to be staying over helping my mom out with taking care of me and stuff and everything is just so perfect! I'll be in my own bed! I'll be in my own room! And if I play my cards right, I might actually get to spend a couple of hours a day on the couch or on the porch couch!
Quick summary, cuz I have to leave in like ten, when the doctor comes back with the papers for me to sign.
I don't have kidney trouble, my brother, hopefully, had – past tense. I gave him my extra – they say you can live with just one, so it's cool, don't worry ;P
Everything so far has gone smoothly and the doctors seem super optimistic, about both of us.
I play the piano, the guitar, the violin, the harmonica, and a little bit of cello and double bass. I also sing – I used to lead the a capella show choir in old my school. I'm sorry if that annoys you, but I just really, really like music. And I promise to dedicate the song to you, of course!
I'm sure Marja would've enjoyed it, but at the time laptops among 13-year-olds were still a rare commodity, so I never really had the chance to write to her, whilst in the Hospital, high on painkillers. By the time I got to the school computer we used for pen palling, I was sober again. However, my brother assures me I was just as hilarious then, as I am now.
The doctor has arrived with the papers!
Eeeck,
Blaine Anderson
2nd Year Student – Undergrad Music Major, NYU
P.S.: Intimidating, but charismatic. A keeper, I'd say.
P.P.S.: He SO was.
-x-
Wednesday, 15th November, 2014 – 20:14
From: Kurt Hummel
To: Blaine Anderson
Subject: No climbing up or down stairs and take it EASY
Blaine,
I'm so glad to hear you're going home and so excited and happy about it! I'm sorry about your brother's troubles, but I guess good thing you were ready to give him your extra one, then! It's not always easy finding a match for that sort of thing, so you're both very lucky. I hope you two have a speedy and easy recovery, and I especially hope the transplant pulls through for him.
Of course you'd play the whole orchestra. Of course. Oh well, at least I'll have someone experienced writing the very first song dedicated to me – I wouldn't want it to be one of those lame, really simple arrangements on the guitar or something. It should be explosive and dramatic, such as myself (no pressure).
Westerville and a capella equals The Warblers. What year were you lead for them? We may have competed against each other! I was in the New Directions, and we went up against you guys in my junior and senior year (I'm not gonna lie, we crossed paths with two very distinct soloists and only one of them was a dignified competitor – I hope you're the right one, or none at all)!
My dad swears he's never laughed harder than when he took me to the dentist when I was six and they doped me up real nice. We seem to have yet another thing in common: hilarity as high children (also, my worry heightens, exactly how often were you high on painkillers when you were a kid?!).
Have a safe trip home,
Kurt Hummel
Fashion Extraordinaire and Future Ruler of All Things Fabulous
Currently Parsons Student