A look at the problems of being 'the bad one'. Galactik Football centric but applies pretty widely.

Apology: I refuse to add that extra A onto the name Arch. Sorry.

How Many Horakchuk Beasts Does it Take to Change A Light Bulb?

Dame Simbai found Arch practicing in his office. "On every planet in the galaxy…On every planet in the galaxy…on every planet in the galaxy…Oh, hello Dame Simbai."

"Arch, I just thought you might like to see the one-on-one interviews Callie Mystie recorded with the players."

Arch looked horrified. "What? What interviews? I didn't authorise any interviews. She can't just come in and start interviewing my players!"

"She said you'd say that and she also said to tell you that that footage of you, Artegor, Norata and Erica, the Discipline Mistress of planet Erotica celebrating after you beat the Lightnings sixteen years ago doesn't have to stay buried forever."

"I don't see I have anything to be ashamed of." he said defensively. "Footballers are supposed to lead decadent lifestyles. It's practically part of the…"

"She says that the details of Erica's operation don't have to stay buried either."

"So we'll let the interviews slide." he sighed. "All the same I had better watch them, just to see how much damage control we have to do."

She placed the pile of data disks on his desk and he picked up the one labelled 'Micro-Ice'. The picture came up on the cortex.

"So, Micro-Ice," Callie's smiling face came up on screen. "What's your relationship like with your coach?"

The camera slid sideways to show the boy. He wore a hunted expression. His thumbs were twiddling and his eyes slid left and right before he asked, "This is a trick, isn't it?"

"No Micro-Ice. But I'm sure our viewers would like to know."

"Did he put you up to this? He did, didn't he? I knew it. Well all I can say is the Arch-is-a-wonderful-coach-and-anyone-who-says-I-say-otherwise-is-lying-Sir."

"Micro-Ice, this really is just an interview."

"That's exactly what he'd get you to say if this was a trick. But I said it and I'm sticking to it and you can't get me to admit anything."

With a sigh Arch shut the screen off. "I think I'm going to need to be a whole lot less sober before I watch these."

"Now Arch, don't over-react."

He turned his gaze on her. "Simbai, level with me. Does Mei, in the course of these interviews, cavort semi-naked around a pole?"

"Well 'cavort' is such a strong word."

"It's a yes or no question Simbai. Just answer one way or the other."

"Well, if it's a yes or no question, then yes. Yes she does."

"Right. And the others. Let me guess. Micro-Ice makes me look like some sort of fascist dictator. D'Jok makes is an open invitation to any royal families who have mislaid their crown princes to come forward and claim him. Rocket did well until he was asked, 'what do you think about besides football?' and that stumped him. Tia sat there blinking at the camera for fifteen minutes, Thrann dismantled the camera and they couldn't find Ahito because he's asleep behind the couch."

"Actually Ahito's is a very interesting treatise on the unstable political situation in the Axis System."

"Has D'Jok received any adoption offers yet?"

"Just the one, but I think he's holding out for better terms."

"Of course. Alright. Thank you Simbai. I'll…wait a minute there are eight tapes here."

"Yes. The last one is the interview Callie did with Sinedd. It hasn't been broadcast yet, but she gave it to me because she thought it might cheer you up."

"Cheer me up?"

"Yes."

"She thought it would cheer me up to see the interview with the player who betrayed and abandoned me? The player who was enticed to the dark side by my nemesis Artegor Nexus and who is, as we speak, spiralling down a path that leads to darkness, pain and despair. A path almost identical to the one I walked fifteen years ago, when I too was lured by my own blind ambition and foolish pride to sink to lows I never thought myself capable of going. She thinks that's going to cheer me up?"

"That's what she said."

"Well who am I to doubt Ace-Reporter Callie Mystie. Put it on."

She slid the disk in and a second later Callie's smiling face had appeared onscreen.

"Hi, I'm Callie Mystie and I'm coming to you live from the Shadow Archipelago for a one of a kind tour of the Shadow Team's headquarters and an interview with their up and coming star player Sinedd."

The camera panned over to reveal Sinedd who looked, even more so than usual, as if someone had just killed his favourite puppy. Since they were on the Shadow planet someone quite possibly just had.

"So Sinedd, usually the Shadows don't allow external media inside their facility. Why the change of heart?"

"Well, uh. I think that the team and the council of elders were interested in attracting more tourism to the area, for this festival that's coming up, the Blustadl'tssch. But I think –"

"Well I'm sure we don't mind what the reason is, so long as we get a good look around your wonderful facilities." Callie steamrolled over him. "Why don't you show us around?"

"Yeah, sure. I guess we'll start with the training facilities. This way."

He led her down a long, blood-coloured corridor and through a doorway. "This is the gym."

The camera panned around to show a room Arch remembered all too well. The best adjective used to describe the gym was 'spiky'.

"Oh," said Callie, in her most professional voice. "It's lovely. So this is where it begins? This is where the magic happens and the Shadow team trains?"

"Well, not so much the whole team as just me." said Sinedd. "The Shadows don't have any muscles so they don't need to stretch them, but if they did this is where it would happen. And Artegor makes sure I get a lot of practice on all of the implements." He began to point to things at random.

"There's the weights, and the rowing machine, and the flagellator, and the iron maiden."

"Perhaps our viewers would like to see the great stadium itself." said Callie, hurriedly.

"Yeah sure." He led her out of the gym. They stepped onto a moving platform and were carried along the dank corridor.

"So Sinedd," Callie asked. "How are you feeling about qualifying for the final sixteen?"

"Oh, you know terrific, because soon the Snow Kids will know the meaning of true humiliation." he replied in a monotone.

"That's…nice." said Callie. "So you don't regret leaving Akillian at all?"

"Why would I regret miss Akillian," he said with a little more spirit, "With its sub-zero temperatures and it's dwellings built for human occupation and it's population of people who can get through entire sentences without cackling. There are so many advantages to living here. For example, because I'm trapped in a land of eternal night they can't possibly give me a curfew."

"That's nice."

"And unlike with my old team the Shadows let me eat whatever I can catch…I mean whatever I want."

"Great!"

The lift rose and the camera got a sweeping shot of the giant dome of the stadium.

"Amazing," said Callie. "It's hard to believe this is all underground."

"Yes." said Sinedd, "This is where I first met the team. They're great guys. Much better than my old team. They all have such a great senses of humour. Like when I first joined they were continually hazing me. They'd say things like, 'Artegor since, you have brought this puny fleshbag mortal to us, you will be the one to feast on his liver if he cannot use the Smog by the end of our first game.' and 'weak sack of flesh and entrails if you betray us like Arch-The-Deceiver did you will join in his fate and feel the pain of a thousand deaths as we rip out your still beating heart.' They're always saying stuff like that."

"Clearly a team with a great sense of humour." said Callie. "So this is your home field. And of course the last match staged here was your match against your old team the Snow Kids where they managed to snatch victory from you in the last seconds of the match and qualify for the final sixteen. How do you feel about that?"

"Oh, you know. It sucks." he said with little enthusiasm.

"Hm," said Callie. "I don't hear much anger. Don't you want to defeat the Snow Kids? I thought the reason you joined the Shadows was because of your lust for victory and your hatred of your former team-mates. Isn't that true?"

"Oh it is. I mean if you put Mirco-Ice or D'Jok or someone here right now we'd be having a fist fight inside of thirty seconds. It's just that hating the Snow Kids was a lot easier before it became…you know, a job. Now it's kind of monotonous. And to tell you the truth I just can't keep up with Artegor. He's got the shrine and all those pre-prepared monologues. He burns Arch in effigy at least twice a week. Oh!" He started. "I just remembered. I'm supposed to coyly hint to you that we let them win so that their ultimate defeat in Genesis Stadium would be all the sweeter."

"What's this?" said Callie, eager to jump on any story. "An admission of game fixing from a Shadows player?"

"Would that get me suspended from the team?" he asked, a little too hopefully.

"No. I don't think so. It might get the team penalised and the Rykers would probably have something to say about it…"

"So what would get me suspended? I mean I've been trying but excessive fouling just won't seem to do it."

"Well on most teams," said Callie, "Excessive fouling would get you a ban, but since you're with team Shadow you'll be given a lot of extra leeway when it comes to heinous violence on the pitch."

"So basically to get a ban I'm going to have to kill someone."

"Well it would probably be a start."

"What would definitely do it? Hypothetically speaking."

"Oh I don't know. You'd probably have to do something like strike at the heart of Galactik Football itself. Maybe you could wipe out all the fluxes in the galaxy."

"I'll look into it. Take a tour of the pitch if you like, just don't touch the fence."

"Why not?"

"It's electrified to prevent the spectators rushing the field at the sight of first blood."

"Well, it's good to see they're putting the safety of the players first." said Callie brightly, letting the camera sweep around the pitch. She kept this up for a minute and a half by which time Sinedd had wandered off and was kicking the ball morosely around the other end of the pitch. She caught up to him. "So now that we've seen where you work why don't you show us what you do the rest of the time. What do you do for fun around here?" she asked him.

"Fun?" The idea seemed an alien concept.

"Yes. What do you do when you're not training? You must do something."

"Well the team spend a lot of time soaking up flux in the Smog Rooms."

She brightened. "Really. That sounds interesting. Maybe we could go – "

"But the coach says that too much time in there will kill me."

"Oh."

"And they spend time relaxing in the acid baths."

"Yes?"

"But if I spend any time at all in there it will kill me."

"Oh."

"I used to magnet board back on Akillian."

"A very popular pastime. I'm sure our viewers would love – "

"But there isn't any snow on this planet, or any air either, so I can't actually go outside."

"Too bad."

"And I used to play Galactik Football Cards too."

"But let me guess. The team likes to eat the cards."

"No, they just rip off the players' heads and stick thumbtacks in their sensitive bits."

"How charming. Well, where do you live, then? You have to live somewhere I assume. Or do the Shadows all sleep hanging from the roof of a cave." A touch of unprofessionalism was creeping into Callie's manner.

"Yes."

"Yes you live somewhere or yes they sleep upside – "

"Both. But I can show you my room if you like."

The camera cut away and when they returned Callie had regained her composure. "And here we are standing in Sinedd's cell…room."

In fact, thought Arch, it was pretty fancy by Shadow standards. There was a bed. There was a table. Most of the spikes were ornamental. Sinedd was sitting on the bed, chipping pieces out of the mattress. Callie spun around for something to seize on and her eyes fell on the side wall. "Ah, and I see you have some pictures on your shelf…But what's this. Your frames are all filled with pictures of a gruesome fiery war."

"Oh, yeah, that. The writers haven't provided me with much of a back story. This is all the evidence I've got that I was even conceived so I'm clinging to it."

"But that's terrible."

He shrugged. "I'm used to it. I mean, back when I was at the academy I never even got a bed. I used to have to stalk around the halls all night brooding."

"Really."

"I caught Arch eating ice-cream out of the fridge at three o'clock in the morning once."

"Really?"

"He was wearing purple boxers and singing 'Sexy Beast'." A particularly large chunk of mattress went flying and pinged off the opposite wall. "I think that's when I knew I wouldn't be staying with the Snow Kids."

"So what did happen to your parents?"

"Well as you know there's been peace in the galaxy for five hundred years, but both my parents managed to find the one half-block radius where a war was actually happening and get smushed into a bloody and extremely vague pulp."

"Well Sinedd, look on the bright side. You'd be amazed at just how many times parents you thought had say, died fifteen years ago in a space-ship crash turn out to be alive and leading a rebellion against Technoid. Maybe you'll turn out to be Artegor's son."

He laughed a hollow laugh. "I'm already Artegor's son. After all, I'm on his team and I wear his number and I have his hair, so I'm basically his son without the, you know, inconvenient extra trappings, like inheritance or love. Besides I think Artegor's a bit too obsessed with one particular person to ever have got around to having children. You should see the shrine he has, and I'm sure he sleeps on a pillow made from a number ten Shadows journey, and when he thinks no one is listening he likes to recite this love poem he wrote called, 'Ode to – "

"Arch!" Callie broke in desperately. "Maybe you're Arch's son. He looks like he has sewn a lot of wild oats in his flashback years. And you are nice and tall. And there's a lot of dramatic irony because the only other Akillian striker to run off and join the Shadows to unfortunate consequences was Arch."

"Well I hope not but I wouldn't put it past them. The writers on this show have a major cruel streak. I mean look what they did to Micro-Ice."

"What did they do to Micro-Ice?"

"Called him Micro-Ice. And it's hardly as if D'Jok and I faired much better. 'Hey, look everyone De Jock is fighting the one who Sinned. Ho, ho, ho.' I bet it keeps the writer's room rocking for hours, that one. Bastards. I hope they all die from their sedentary lifestyles."

Suddenly there was a crack of thunder and a horakchuk beast materialised for no reason explainable by plot in the room. As Callie and Sinedd jumped up on the mattress to avoid its tentacles Arch turned to Simbai. "He's not my son you know."

"Really. So his height, soccer skills and eventual destiny are all a coincidence then?"

"Simbai you know very well that on Akillian paternity has very little effect on what someone turns out like. I mean D'Jok's father was a biophysicist for chrissakes! Besides, you know I've never loved anyone but you."

"What about Erica, discipline mistress of planet Erotica?"

"Trust me, I don't think that's going to be a problem."

"Why not?"

"Lets just say that the A on the end of Erica's name was added after the operation and it wasn't the only thing added either."

"What about that feisty redhead?"

"Adiam? No it couldn't have been Adiam. After all Adiam still hasn't forgiven me for dumping her and running off precisely sixteen years ago, directly after the ill-fated Akillian-Shadows match…which come to think of it she didn't play in. Oh crap. You don't think I'll have to pay child support, do you?"

Meanwhile on screen, the Horakchuk beast had just underestimated the power of Callie's right hook with terminal consequences. It's probiscus went rolling across the floor. Callie dusted her hands off and turned the camera in the direction of the door. Pinned to it was a Snow Kids poster so riddled with darts that it would need major reconstruction just to distinguish who was who. "Ah ha, do I detect a little inter-team rivalry?"

Sinedd climbed down from the corner in which he had been cowering and went back to engraving 'Kill me' into his mattress. "No…well, I mean yeah. I want to see they're humiliated and that they're miserable for the rest of their natural lives and all that but the poster is for something else."

"Do tell us Sinedd."

"Well, it's a good idea to have a destructive hobby," he replied. "That way I have an excuse not to go when the captain invites me out with the team to eat babies."

Callie swallowed. "Oh. And do the Shadows eat a lot of babies?"

He poked his mattress and didn't meet her eye. "Well, it's not like they do it ritually or anything."

"Oh, good."

"Mostly it's just for fun."

"Oh."

"I've gotten so good with the darts now that I can spell out LOSER on D'Jok's chest."

"That must have taken a lot of practice."

"It did. But I have to use that excuse a lot."

"Well," Callie said, looking around at the slime covered surfaces and twitching body of the Horakchuk beast. "I think we've invaded your personal space long enough. Why don't you show us something else?"

He sighed. "Well there's the bucket room."

"Is that a training facility?"

"No. The Shadows don't need to excrete either and the vampirism supplies all the fluid they need, so they never invented indoor plumbing, but they did set me up with a bucket."

"I don't think our viewers would be really interested in seeing the bucket room." said Callie hurriedly, "I know, why don't you show us the thing that makes being a Shadow the most worthwhile? What makes it so much better than being on Akillian."

He looked a bit nonplussed for a second. "I showed you the pitch, didn't I? We don't have one of those on Akillian, it's frozen…was frozen."

"What else?"

"Have you seen the uniform? Because I look better in the black then I did in the white and blue."

"No, we've seen the Shadows' uniform. Anything else?"

"Well there's my team mates. It's wonderful how like D'Jok none of them are."

"Yes."

"And the pay's probably pretty good compared to the Snow Kids."

"You don't know?"

"Well there's nothing here to spend it on except blood, implements of torture, and virgins."

"Virgins? So you have…I mean at least you're…"

"They come freeze-dried. You can even get salted or unsalted flavour." He looked close to tears for a second.

Suddenly there was a violent hissing. Sinedd's head snapped around. "The team's awake."

"Ah-ha." Callie seized her microphone. "An interview with your team mates. They've surely got to be more upbeat than– "

Before she could finish her sentence Sinedd was shoving her along the corridor, He fished out a string of Garlic and hung it around her neck. "They haven't eaten breakfast yet." He shoved her and then her camera through the door and slammed it behind him.

A second later there came the sound of angry roaring and then Sinedd trying to sound casual. "Morning guys. Painful death to our enemies." There came some hissing in return. "What? you smell fresh meat? Oh, no. You're mistaken. I'm afraid that's just me. I am smelling pretty meaty today. Absolutely no other meat around here. Try the kitchen. Okay, see you on the field. Bye."

He stuck his head through the door. "Okay, all clear."

Callie cleared her throat. "And there you have it folks, our exclusive interview with the Shadows. And now…" The camera scanned the room they were in. It was the most Spartan room of all. Its walls were painted jet black and it contained nothing but a couple of metal benches on the back wall and some ominous rust-coloured stains on the floor. "We appear to be in some kind of storage room."

"Oh, no." said Sinedd, "This isn't a storage room. This is the team common room." He sighed. "You see how lucky it is that I came here. If I hadn't come then I'd probably be stuck in the Akillian common room, fighting with the Snow Kids over who got the couch and who had control of the remote." He gazed morosely around the empty room. "I don't have that problem here."

"No," said Callie, truthfully. "I can see that."

"The TV is in Artegor's room. He lets me watch the matches in there if I want. But usually he's cackling so loud that I can't hear the score. Anyway, like I said, is much better than back home on Akillian. If I was there right now I'd probably be stuck watching D'Jok and Rocket's favourite show 'When Families Reunite'."

"Indeed."

"Or Mei's favourite, 'The Art of Seduction and Manipulation'."

"Yes."

"Oh Micro-Ice's favourite, Rainbow Brite."

"Yes."

"I'm so much better off here with the Shadows."

"So you have mentioned."

"Yeah." He paused. "Will we go visit the acid pools then?"

They stepped out into the corridor and suddenly Sinedd froze. "Oh God. It's the one of the Shadow Council Elders."

The camera turned to see a Shadow approaching. In so far as a walking skeleton dressed entirely in black could look bulky, this one did. Mostly because of the giant coat, which if he hadn't known better, Arch would have assumed was made of calfskin. The creature leered at Callie.

"Ah! Greetings puny flesh bag. I speak good your language, yes?" He slid an arm around Sinedd's shoulders. "How you like our Sinedd? Is he not very good? Much, much better than puny, puny weakling Arch-The-Betrayer who run away. Some day I drink from his skull yes, and feed his Snow Children to the ravening Horakchuk beasts." He waved a dismissive claw at the camera. "But that not story for today. We talk of Sinedd. Sinedd who shows you round our wonderful planet, who many must bring their children to." He grabbed Sinedd's chin and yanked him towards the cameras. "Look, pretty virgin flesh-bags. Very handsome, yes? He will ensure great Blustadl'tssch. You come. Come meet him. Come to Blustadl'tssch where we will bathe in your blood and make shiny bonfire with your bones. Fun. Fun."

He turned back to Callie. "You pretty fleshbag. You stay for Blustadl'tssch? Or you already gukguk with irritating beige man who give inaccurate weather reports and insufficient celebrity gossip coverage?"

Callie blinked. "Nork? Me and Nork? You have got to be kidd…" She trailed off at the elder's look of interest. "Absolutely right. Yup. We gukguk like crazy, me and Nork. Have for a long time. Sorry about that."

"Ah well. Me have joke for you? How many Horakchuk beasts – "

Suddenly there came the sound of running footsteps and a second later a black and red blur rugby-tackled the elder, knocking him to the ground. There was some muffled hissing and then Artegor appeared from the bottom of the screen, straightening his glasses and slightly out of breath. He addressed the camera. "I would like to state for the record that all previous statements made by my esteemed colleague the Shadow Council Elder should be disregarded as his incomplete knowledge of our language could lead to misunderstandings between this wonderful planet and your viewers regarding our reasons for bringing tourists here. His poor language skills might also lead you to mistake the purpose of the great feast of Blustadl'tssh, which is purely a greeting card holiday and has absolutely nothing to do with ritual sacrifice whatsoever." A claw reached up and scratched at the camera. Artegor stamped down hard and it vanished. "Once again, anything his eldership said that in any way suggests that we are trying to collect virgins for the traditional twelve day blood orgy, was purely a matter of miscommunication and cultural differences. Thank you."

He grabbed the elder by his coat and started to drag him away, then he seemed to remember something and stopped. "Sinedd, wrap this up and get to the training room. I want to practice the new song I wrote that tells Arch just how much I hate him."

"Yes Sir."

"It's called 'When I Rip Your Body Into A Thousand Bloody Pieces You'll Know How My Heart Feels'. I think it's much catchier than 'Die, Die, My Big Fluffy Walrus'."

"Yes Sir."

"And sound more enthusiastic. We're wiping the good name of our enemy here."

"Yes Sir."

"And hurry up."

"Yes Sir." Sinedd turned back to Callie. "Well I guess that's it."

"Yes, well Sinedd, thank you for your time."

"No problem."

"I'm glad you're getting on okay here."

"Thank you. Yes, I'm getting on very…ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Do I seem okay to you? Do I? I'm trapped on a planet full of psychotic bloodsucking, flesh-eating monsters and the only person who can speak proper English is a raving megalomaniac who still hasn't dealt with his homoerotic obsession with Arch and wears sunglasses on a planet where there is no sun. Does that sound normal? Does it sound conducive to a healthy, happy adolescence?" He buried his head in her shirt and began to sob. "I want to go home. I wanna be on a planet where there's sunlight and pizza and an actual atmosphere. I want to live somewhere where I won't get turned into lunch the next time one of these psychopaths forgets I'm on the team and not on the menu. I want to fight with D'Jok and steal Micro-Ice's lunch money, and watch Mei put on her uniform in the co-ed changing rooms. I mean, haven't I been evil long enough? Haven't we established I've been bad? Can't I come home now and be like that remorseful, brooder guy? That's a popular angle. It worked in Digimon, it worked in twelve seasons of Power Rangers, it's inevitably going to work on Naruto. Why can't it work here? Besides my character design is all about the miserable expressions. I could totally pull it off." He turned to the camera. "Arch, if you're listening, I'm telling you, I will do anything, anything. I'll be a substitute, I'll wash Micro-Ice's smelly boots, I'll allow the team to kick me like a dog and I'll angst like nobody's business, I'll enter into a relationship with any character you like, up to and including a threesome with Clamp and his clone. I'll even play defence. Just please, please don't leave me here."

"Well," said Callie, detaching him. "That seems to be about it from me in the Shadow Archipelago. I've been Callie Mystie with this special report, back to you Nork."

"You know," said Arch, switching off the screen. "That did make me feel better."

"Poor Sinedd," said Dame Simbai. "You could let him come back you know."

Arch shook his head sagely. "That's not how these things work Simbai. We can't let him back until after the next Shadow match at the very least. We've got to drag the plotline out for almost another half-series."

"There are lots of other plotlines, you know. There's solving the riddle of the meta-flux and there's D'Jok being reunited with his father…"

"Yes, and you know what all those plotlines have in common?"

"Dislocation from reality?"

"No."

"Teen angst."

"No. Sonny Blackbones! And I'll be damned if I'm going to be upstaged by some scrawny ex-nerd with a weird beard."

"You know your beard is pretty weird – "

He slammed his fist on the table. "No. This show isn't called Sonny Blackbones, Pirate King, is it? No. What's it called?"

"Galactik Football."

"That's right it's called Ar…Galactik Footaball. And who's the most famous Galactik Football player in the galaxy?"

"Warren."

"That's…well yes okay, right now he is but when you look over the entire history of…I mean he may be Beckham but I'm Pele, George Best at the very least. Anyway I'm the person who gets the most shots in the credits and it's my show and my team and I say that Sinedd has to stay put in Evil Central at least until I've had time to come to terms with my dark past and narrate it in suitably impressive voiceover to my young teens."

"Okay, okay. I understand."

"Besides that flashback of me getting Smog sick is good for at least half a dozen more run-throughs." He stopped, something suddenly dawning on him, "You know we've been breaking the fourth wall now for quite a while."

"Yes," said Simbai, who was massaging his shoulders to remove excess tension.

"And we're all beginning to behave extremely out of character and kinda PG-thirteen."

"Right again." Her hands slid around his chest. "So you know what we should do?"

"What?" he said. He was a little distracted now because of the way she kept nuzzling his neck.

"Take full advantage." She sauntering over to his desk and reclining on top of it. "Feel like scoring, coach?"

Ten seconds later the Snow Kids received a message over the intercom. "Um..er…this is Arch

here. Everyone, we are experiencing a brief window of OOC fanfiction related hyper-reality in which the 'Suitable for Under-twelves" limit seems to have been lifted. So anything goes for the next seven – "

There came a blissful moan over the com that made even Ahito open his eyes and sit up. "Maybe eight." said Dame Simbai's voice.

"Eight para-"

"Or nine." said Simbai. "Or ten, or eleven."

"I don't – "

"I lived with the Wambas remember? So I'm very, very limber." She purred.

"Or maybe nine or ten paragraphs."

"Or maybe twenty-five."

"Simbai, I'm not as young as I used to be. Twenty five is pushing – " There came the sound of a zipper being undone, very loudly.

"Oh, screw it." said Arch's voice, over the com. "Work it out for yourselves. Nobody come into my office unless you're bringing whipped cream."

There was a moment of stunned silence and then Mei stood up, "Finally." She said. "D'Jok, Micro-Ice, my room, now." But D'Jok and Micro-Ice ignored her, they were too busy pulling shotguns out from behind the couch.

"You're supposed to act out of character Mei." said Micro-Ice a little wearily. "Besides, we've got bigger fish to fry." He slid the cartridges into place and snapped the gun closed.

"Like who?" She glared at Tia, who was already nibbling on Rocket's ear.

"We're going to find the writers who named us and teach them just how ow-so-funny we think their cleverness is." said D'Jok. They left.

"I've got some…important plays to go over in my room, alone with Tia." said Rocket, who had just realised there was a benefit to having his roommate go evil that was even greater than being able to store and analyse data on all the teams in the spare side of the room.

"Yes," said Tia, giggling as he picked her up in his arms, "I'm sure we can get more lift when using the breath." Without a backward glance Rocket carried her from the room. The door slid shut and Mei, Thrann and Ahito were left alone.

"What sort of chance do you think I have of reaching Sonny Blackbones before the fic runs out?" asked Mei.

"Well he is a Pirate Captain," said Thrann. "So the line's probably going to be pretty long. You'd probably be better off staying local." He looked at her hopefully.

She sighed. "You're right. Ahito it's your lucky night."

"Works for me." said Ahito with a yawn. He picked her up and slung her over his shoulder. "See you later bro."

The door slid shut. Thrann sighed. Even when everyone was acting completely without reference to his or her characters some things didn't change. He began to go through the list of potentials. "So Mei, Tia, Simbai…I guess that leaves…"

The door slid open and both Clamps appeared in the doorway. They were both out of breath. "Hello Thrann. What's up? Just stopping by for a chat. Is there anything you feel like doing," They glanced simultaneously at their watches, "Really quickly."

Thrann shot them a cold look and picked up the ball from where it lay on the couch. "I think I'll go score some goals." he said and walked out.

Meanwhile back in the Shadow Archipelago Sinedd was sitting alone in his room, reading, when there came a banging on the door. Quickly he stuffed the book under his pillow and tried to assume a maniacal expression as the Shadow captain stuck his head around the door.

"Greetings, puny Sinedd."

"Hi Captain, uh… how's the conquest of our enemies by the never ending night going?"

"Tomorrow. We worry about having the galaxy at our feet so the rivers run with the blood of our enemies tomorrow. Tonight man bringing new uniforms comes, also come unwary pirates who get lost in our system. We take them to the pit of the Horakchuk beasts, place bets on who get devoured first. Much fun. You come, yes?"

"Ooh, sorry." He tried to look disappointed. "I'd like to but I think I better stay here and work on my hatred of the Snow Kids some more. I just don't think I quite loath them with every atom of my being yet."

The Captain waved a hand at him. "So dedicated. All work, work, work. Won't even take time out to have fun time. Inspiration to us all."

"Uh thanks. Have a good time then. Enjoy the bloody carnage."

The door slammed behind him and he got up and went to pull some of the darts out of the poster on the wall. He would have to get a new one pretty soon as this, his third, was already in tatters.

He sat back on the bed and sighed. And though he was taking some consolation, that somewhere out in the multiverse D'Jok and Micro-Ice were even now dealing out some rough justice to Laurent Turner and his dastardly cohorts for the atrocity that was his name, somehow it didn't fill the gap. He aimed his first dart and began to see if he could spell 'insert brain here' on D'Jok's forehead. It was going to be a long wait until Genesis stadium.

How many Horakchuk beasts does it take to change a lightbulb.

Two. One to take the old bulb out. One to put the new bulb in.

(No one said that the Shadows were particularly funny.)