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THE OFFICE
SEASON THREE - EPISODE 15.5
SERVICE CALL
BY KEVIN GREENE
TEASER
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREAIt's morning at Dunder-Mifflin. Everyone is basically getting geared up for the day.
Pam has just pretty much gotten herself settled at reception.
PAM
Hey, Jim, did you hear that story about the
72 year old tourist in Mexico? He killed a
guy that was going to rob him. Crazy, huh?
JIM
(turns around in his chair to face Pam)
Yeah, yeah. With his bare hands, too. Hardcore.
DWIGHT
I could do that.
JIM
What, get killed by a 72 year old tourist?
DWIGHT
Hardly. His snapping, arthritic joints
would be no match for my cat-like
reflexes. I meant that I could kill
a man with my bare hands. I've honed
my body and mind to be prepared for any
instance such as that. I am a weapon at
the ready. (Digs out his wallet and pulls
out a business card)And I always carry this
with me to remind myself of the
warrior way.
On the card is written WWJBD? In large
block letters. Pam leans in to read it.
PAM
What would Jesus' (pause) brother do? Jesus didn't
have a brother.
JIM
Maybe he was adopted.
PAM
Hm. Yeah, I guess. But how do we know what his
brother would do? I didn't even know he had one.
DWIGHT (annoyed)
No, no, not Jesus' brother, Jack Bauer.
JACK… BAUER.
JIM
What would Jack Bauer's brother do? Ok, I'm
pretty sure you don't have enough letters
there.
PAM
Wait. Jesus and Jack Bauer
BOTH have brothers??
DWIGHT
No, not…GRRRRRR…IDIOTS!
(gets up and storms off. Pam and Jim
suppress laughs and point at each other)
PAM TALKING HEADPAM
Yeah, that was pretty good…Jim and I have a
thing where we try to annoy Dwight first thing
in the morning, so much that he gets up
and storms off. Our personal record is
17 consecutive work days…
(gets wistful and kind of stares
off past the camera)
Good times…good times.
END TEASER
ACT ONE
MICHAEL TALKING HEADMICHAEL
So today is a special day…ah…we will be graced by
the presence of Ricardo Xiques. Nice young Cuban boy,
ah, I mean man… I've been told not to say Cuban
boy any more… ah, Ricardo is from Hewlett Packard
and services all the fax machines and copiers
that we have… and he has finally agreed, after
3 years, to be on camera. Off the record, I think
he had some… ah…immigration issues or something…
BUT, he will be on camera today. I'm looking forward
to it…
JIM TALKING HEADJIM
Michael is… fascinated by Ricardo. Completely
fascinated. Ricardo is very popular with the
ladies so I think Michael kinda lives vicar-
iously through him… he tags around behind him
like he's trying to pick up pointers or
something. It's a little creepy…… and sad.
(smiles goofily) It's creepysad!
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREARicardo, a handsome, in shape, young man, enters the office. Michael practically leaps on him.
MICHAEL
Ricardo! Ricky Ricardo! Baabalooo!
RICARDO (embarrassed)
Uh…hello, Michael…
MICHAEL
Come in, come in, let me get your coat… I was just
saying the other day…I hate when Ricardo is
not around…because the office is (in Ricky Ricardo voice) "just so Ricky-less!"
(laughs, but everyone just stares at him or looks
elsewhere, embarrassed. Michael looks at the camera,
half-smiling, then shakes his head in frustration)
MICHAEL (CONTINUED)
uh…You know Pam…
RICARDO
Hello, Pam.(he obviously finds Pam attractive)
PAM (smiling)
Hi, Ricardo…
MICHAEL
Oh yeah, Pam is going solo now, Ricky…
she's free to be with you or me…
Pam glares at him.
MICHAEL(CONTINUED)
Well, not me but, you know…
RICARDO
Really. That's VERY interesting…
Jim kind of looks over his shoulder at Pam,
who is shyly playing with her hair.
MICHAEL
So, my man Ricky. How's it going with the
ladies, eh? Any hot, sizzling dates to tell
us about?
RICARDO
Uh… no. Been kind of quiet lately, actually.
Been trying to do some stuff for me… haven't
found that one woman I'd like to spend my time
with. (Looks at Pam, smiles)
MICHAEL(disappointed)
Oh… well… do you have any old stories to tell
us?
PAM
Oh, Michael… you have a call on hold.
MICHAEL(confused)
I… do? Who, uh… is it?
PAM
They wouldn't say.
MICHAEL
Oh. Well… I'll… just go get it then. (He hesitates
to leave, clearly wanting to stay near Ricardo)
Um… be back.
Michael heads into his office. Ricardo looks at Pam.
PAM
He doesn't have a call. It'll take him a few
minutes to figure that out.
RICARDO(laughing)
Thank you.
Dwight walks over to Ricardo who is
getting his equipment together.
DWIGHT
Hello, Ricardo.
RICARDO
Dwight.
DWIGHT
I see you are still using that inferior
brand of tools.
RICARDO(sighing)
Dwight, I just use what they give me.
DWIGHT
But the mid-range line by Snap-On is
clearly a better set and FAR more
durable than that Play-Skool garbage
you have there. I had to hit the
Snap-On wrench 8 times with a
sledgehammer to render it
completely useless. Pretty much
ruined my kitchen floor.
RICARDO
Dwight…
DWIGHT
I sent a very detailed e-mail
to Hewlett-Packard with all of my
findings. I recommended that they
switch to..
RICARDO
Oh, that was you?
DWIGHT
Yes! You know about that?
RICARDO
Oh yeah. Management liked your
research. They purchased a dozen
of the kits and are field testing
them right now. I wasn't one of
the lucky ones but pretty soon, all
of us will be using them. We got
a memo about 3 months ago detailing
the testing phase… They called it
the… "Schrute Initiative"… Oh wait!
That's your name, right? Dwight
Schrute! Yeah, man! They're
running with that!
DWIGHT (bursting with pride):
Yes!(Does fist pump) See, I DO
have ideas that corporate America
would find beneficial! MICHAEL!
I told you!
Dwight runs off to Michael's office.
Jim and Pam silently clap and mouth phrases to Ricardo like "Well done" and "Excellent". Ricardo winks at Pam and
she visibly blushes. Jim notices and looks back and forth at the two.
JIM TALKING HEADJIM
Would I be cool with Pam dating
Ricardo? (Shrugs)… I mean… he's
a good guy and all so that would
be… um… you know… (long pause) nice.
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREARicardo is rolling up his sleeves and
looks up to see Meredith staring
intently at him, her mouth slightly open.
MEREDITH
Do you make service calls to private homes?
Ricardo looks at the camera.
KELLY
Hey, Ricky! It's so good to see you!
(She touches Ricardo's chest and gets close to him)
Oooh, someone has been working out!
(She looks over at Ryan, who shakes his head
and rolls his eyes)
KELLY TALKING HEADKELLY
Ohmigod, Ricardo is SO hot! I would TOTALLY have a
threesome with Ricardo and Ryan if it weren't
so slutty. (Long pause) That would be slutty,
right?
Ricardo walks over to the fax machine closest to Reception
and Jim stands up and gives a Ricardo a warm handshake.
The two get along well, apparently.
JIM
What's up, man? So… decided to do the on camera
thing this time around huh?
RICARDO
Well, they always ask me, they're constantly
badgering me about it. I'm not comfortable
with it but I figured I'll just get it over with,
maybe they won't ask me anymore, y'know?
JIM
Yeah, I hear ya…
RICARDO
Hey, uh, Jim…
(He looks over his shoulder at Pam
who is on the phone and lowers his voice)
RICARDO(continued)
What's this about Pam being single? What
happened to that guy she was engaged to?
JIM
Uhhhhh… not sure.(laughs)
RICARDO
Thought you guys were close.
JIM
We were..are…but we haven't..really,
um… talked that much lately. You know…
um… been busy..
RICARDO
Ok
JIM
But we're good, you know, she and I…
Just kinda…um….(shakes head, LONG pause)
RICARDO
Ok, well, that's… thanks.
(He turns to work on the fax while Jim
stands there, kind of lost in thought. Ricardo
smiles at Pam, who blushes again.)
PAM TALKING HEADPAM
Oh yes, Ricardo is very, very handsome and nice.
ALL the girls just flock around him… I can't
see why he would possibly be interested in me… Why?
Did you um… hear something about him, um… being
interested in me?
Karen comes over to Jim's desk and sits on the edge.
Jim leans back in his chair.
KAREN
Wanna do lunch? My treat.
JIM
Mmmmmm, sounds… free. Definitely.
Karen laughs and Ricardo looks back at her.
KAREN
Hello.
RICARDO
Hi.
JIM
Oh hey. Ricardo, this is Karen. Kinda
sorta new to this branch.
KAREN
Nice to finally meet the famous Ricardo.
(Leans towards him and whispers)
Meredith and Kelly have mentioned you a
number of times.
Ricardo groans.
JIM (smiling)
And uh…what EXACTLY did those two have to say
about Ricardo?
KAREN
Well, I only remember snippets of conversation…
hushed breathless phrases… But the words
"Hot cuppable ass" remain burned into my
memory.
Both laugh and Karen puts her hand on Jim's knee.
We see Ricardo take note of this. Karen gets up to
leave.
KAREN
So lunch later, Halpert.
JIM
With you paying for it, absolutely.
Karen walks back to her desk. Ricardo smiles at
Jim.
RICARDO
She's VERY attractive. Why does everyone
say that I'm good with women? You get all
the best girls. Jim Halpert is obviously
the man.
JIM
(Laughs) All what girls??
RICARDO
And modest, too! Michael should follow
YOU around, dude.
JIM(laughs)
Yeah, ok.(Turns to get back to work)
Ricardo goes over to Pam.
RICARDO
So, where are the famous Pam jellybeans?
Pam brings the jar of jellybeans up from her little
hiding place on her desk.
PAM
Contrary to popular belief, I did not
make these jelly beans.
RICARDO
Oh no, these are definitely Pam Jellybeans.
They are sweet… (takes a jellybean) they smell
lovely… (Smells it) and they really make me
smile. (Pops it into his mouth)
PAM
Ohhh…(Pam does that cute shoulder thing she does
and laughs.)
At his desk, Jim fights to not turn around. His face shows
what he's feeling.
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. THE OFFICE- OSCAR, KEVIN AND ANGELA'S AREAWe join the three in the middle of a conversation. They
are speaking in hushed tones.
KEVIN
Dude… all I'm saying is that you should
totally find out for sure.
OSCAR
Kevin… I am… 100 certain that he is straight.
110.
KEVIN
But dude… what if he isn't?
(Kevin nods and smiles nastily)
ANGELA
Don't be disgusting, Kevin. Ricardo
is not gay.
KEVIN
How do you know?
ANGELA
Because… I know. I…
Just then Ricardo pops his head around the corner
from the fax machine by reception.
RICARDO
Hey guys!
ANGELA
Oh, hello Ricardo!
(Angela stands up. She is extra exuberant,
which gets Kevin and Oscar's attention)
ANGELA(continued)
So… how is… oooh, how do you say
her name? It is SO cute!
RICARDO
Oh, my little Ninita.
ANGELA(softly)
Ninita…
RICARDO
Baby Girl. She is fine. This
morning I woke up to her
batting my nose like this…
(He leans towards Angela and
gently taps her nose)
ANGELA(blushes and touches
her chest)
Oooh… that is sooooooo cute!
RICARDO
But she can be a bad little kitty,
sometimes. If I have a lady friend
over… she'll try to get in between
us… and she might even hiss a bit…
ANGELA
Oh my goodness.
RICARDO
Oh yes… she can be a jealous
little pussy.
ANGELA
(just a little, little bit sultry)
Oh, I KNOW she is.
Angela then notices that Dwight is standing
by his desk, staring at her. Angela laughs
nervously and then sits.
ANGELA(whispering)
Well, you MUST bring in a picture
Of her next time.
She peeks back at Dwight, who is still staring,
and then buries her head in work.
ANGELA TALKING HEADANGELA
Oh, Ricardo is SO nice. And I LOVE
that he's a cat owner. The way he
talks about her is so, so se…
(pause) sweet.(smiles)
INT. OFFICE-JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESKS
DWIGHT(sits down)
Jim…
(leans forward, speaks
a little quieter)
DWIGHT(continued)
What is it about Ricardo
that… attracts women so?
JIM
Well… um… (he looks back at Pam who's
eyebrows shoot up in anticipation
of the answer)
JIM(continued)
He's good-looking, a nice guy…
(gets an idea)
but um… I think it might have to do
with that pheromone experiment
he was trying.
DWIGHT
What pheromone experiment?
JIM
Well… (he looks at Ryan who
completely buries himself
into a Dunder-Mifflin
catalog, wanting no parts
of this)
JIM(continued)
The last time he was here
he mentioned that he was
conducting some kind of, like,
test. Something related to
smells and female sexual arousal.
DWIGHT
More.
JIM
He found that by um… ingesting
incredibly large amounts of
chocolate, preferably milk
chocolate… Snickers, M&M's…
things of that nature… um…
he found that he could
affect a pheromonal
change in himself.(shrugs)
You know how women love
chocolate.
DWIGHT
That is completely ludicrous.
JIM
That's what I said but you
can't argue with the results.
(Turns to Pam)
JIM(continued)
Pam… when you are near Ricardo…
what are you feeling? What's going
through your head?
PAM(eyes wide)
Oh my God… all I can think about
is a Mr. Goodbar.
Jim, still facing Pam, almost bursts out laughing
but somehow keeps his composure. Ryan coughs loudly,
gets up and heads toward the kitchen. Pam still has
the shocked look but allows a tiny smile just for Jim.
Jims turns back to Dwight, who is stunned by Pam's
comment.
JIM
Wow. That's… that's proof positive,
right there, Dwight.
Dwight gets up and grabs his car keys from a drawer.
DWIGHT
I'll be back in a few minutes, I
need to um… go to Walgreens.
Dwight exits and Jim and Pam laugh.
JIM
Oh my God. "Mr. Goodbar."
Genius, Beesly, pure genius.
PAM
Oh that was a softball toss,
Halpert. So easy. You are
DEFINITELY losing your edge.
The two laugh and talk as Karen watches from her desk. She tries not to look but she does.
INT. THE OFFICE- OSCAR, KEVIN AND ANGELA'S AREARicardo and Oscar are having a conversation while Kevin watches,
smiling playfully at Oscar.
OSCAR
So, ah…
(shoots Kevin a "cut it out!" look)
…the new place sounds nice… when will
you close on it?
RICARDO
It's supposed to be next week, but
y'know, I'm always waiting for the
other shoe to drop. Oh wait… I took
some pics and printed them out.
Completely forgot… hold on…
Ricardo bends over and looks thru his bag which is sitting
on a small filing cabinet. Kevin gets Oscar's attention and
tries to get him to look at Ricardo's ass. Oscar stares Kevin down and shakes his head violently. Then, no longer able to fight it, he tries to sneak a look. Ricardo's ass in practically inches from his face. Oscar stares for a few seconds and then realizes that the cameras have caught every second of this.
OSCAR(leaps up, embarrassed)
You know what, Ricardo, I'll… uh…
I'll look at those in a bit… I have
to… uh… I… uh… I'll be back.
RICARDO
Oh, ok.
Oscar leaves, shooting Kevin the dirtiest look possible. Ricardo slips the pics back in his bag while Kevin has
a silent jowly laugh for the camera.
RICARDO
So what's going on, Kevin?
KEVIN
Nothing much… dude! I KNOW you
got killed in Fantasy Football
this year. I sure did.
RICARDO
Oh man, I took a pounding.
Just awful.
KEVIN
This is like, the third straight
bad season I've had.
Just then Michael walks up.
RICARDO
Oh boy, I've had so many I can't even keep
count. Just one right after the other.
MICHAEL
Oh wow! Mr Braggy Britches over here!
(laughs then tries to mock Ricardo's voice
but it comes out sounding like Ricky Ricardo)
MICHAEL(continued)
I've had thousands and thousands of women.
Hispanic, White, Black… um… other.
(Pauses and then goes back to real voice)
MICHAEL(continued)
You sound like Walt Chamberlain.
KEVIN
Wilt.
MICHAEL
What?
(Shakes head)
Shut it, Kevin. So… um…
How many women… um… would that
be… do you think? Round it off.
RICARDO
Um… Michael. We weren't talking
about women...
MICHAEL
Oh right!(laughs) Come on… you can tell me.
I know the ladies love Ricardo! (looks at camera)
Ladies love Ricardo… LL Cool (pause) uh… R.
Grandma said knock you down! HOOOO!!!
(Laughs)So what he got shot
nine times… LL is nowhere near
the ho magnet that you are!
KEVIN
That was 50 cent that got shot 9 times.
MICHAEL
Well…uh… LL got shot too. And he
was on the stretcher and he flipped
the bird to the cameras…
KEVIN
Uh, no, that was Tupac…
MICHAEL(annoyed)
You know what Kevin, why don't
you go and get shot…
(shakes head and walks away)
MICHAEL TALKING HEADMICHAEL
Besides Kevin, this has been a fun
day with Ricardo. You know, us bonding,
comparing notes about women… he has the
great stories, I have the, um… good…
listening skills. Um… he definitely has
the Latin machismo thing going. Women
love that… They always went for those
guys like Fernando Lamas, Ricardo
Montalban… KHAN!!! The plane! (laughs)
um… who else? Um… oh, Paul Rodriguez!
Well… maybe not so much Paul Rodriguez.
Very funny man, though.
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREAJim, Pam and Ricardo are talking, Jim and Ricardo
leaning over the reception counter.
RICARDO
No, he couldn't have believed you.
JIM
He totally did.
PAM
Totally.
RICARDO
Come on…
JIM
Ricardo… Pam and I are pros
at this. We have honed this
skill over the years until
we are almost incapable of
failure.
PAM
Incapable. (laughs) Hey…
(laughs again) Remember the
time with the ball bearings?
JIM
Oh my God, Pam. I was JUST
thinking about that!
PAM(To Ricardo)
Jim made me laugh SO hard with
this one. We…
Just then Karen walks over.
KAREN(To Jim)
Ready?
JIM(looking at watch)
Oh. Um… ok. Yeah, let's go.
Catch you guys later.
PAM
Yeah.
Jim and Karen collect their coats and head out. Pam
watches them leave and on her face the tiniest look
of sadness registers. Everyone else might as well be on
Jupiter right now. Ricardo registers all of it.
RICARDO
Well… let me get back to this
machine…
PAM
What? Oh… ok.
(She goes back her screen)
Ricardo goes over to the fax and starts to finish up. Ryan gets up from his
desk and, looking around, heads over to Ricardo. Ryan shoves his hands
in his pockets and looks all morose and stands behind him.
RYAN(SADLY)
Hey Ricardo.
Ricardo turns.
RICARDO
What's up, Ryan?
(notices his sadness)
What's wrong?
RYAN
Ah, it's me and Kelly. We're
not… doing too well.
RICARDO
Oh… I'm sorry to hear that,
guy.
RYAN
Yeah… she's… she's really hung
up on you. She really, REALLY
digs you.
RICARDO
Hey… look, Ryan… I never said or
did anything to Kelly to…
RYAN
Oh no, I know that. It's me. I
don't do it for her. And I… I
have to accept that. So I have
to do the right thing. For her.
RICARDO
Ok.
Ryan takes a deep breath and looks at the ceiling.
Closes his eyes and shakes his head.
RYAN
I have to step aside. Be a man
and realize that it's you she
wants. This is hard but… I want
you to take her out, man. I just…
I just want her to be happy.
(Puts head down)
RICARDO
Wow. That's… that's really noble
of you, Ryan.
RYAN(still looking down)
Yeah.
RICARDO
Letting another man take your girl
out to make her happy.
RYAN
Yeah.
RICARDO
So I can take her off your
hands.
RYAN
Yeah.
(His head snaps up.)
RYAN (continued)
No, no, no, no… you got me all
wrong. I…
RICARDO
Get the hell out of here, Ryan.
Ricardo turns back to the fax machine. Ryan starts to say
something, changes his mind, looks at the camera and goes
slowly back to his seat.
INT. RESTAURANT TABLE NEXT TO WINDOWKaren and Jim are eating their sandwiches,
shooting the breeze.
KAREN
Boy, that Ricardo has caused quite a stir,
huh?
JIM
Yeah, the woman really dig him. They always
lose their minds when he shows up.
KAREN(coyly)
And if I lost my mind?
JIM(dramatically)
Then go! Go be with him! Who am I to
stand in the way of passion like this?
KAREN(laughs and then gets
kind of serious)
So, um… is it me or does he have a real
thing for Pam?
JIM
Oh, um… yeah, I guess.(He sorta buries
himself into his sandwich)
KAREN
Did he talk to you about her? I saw you
two talking a bit.
JIM
Uh, yeah…he um… kinda asked me about her
situation. You know, like… what her…
deal was.
KAREN(looking down as
she eats, she cannot even look at Jim)
So, um… what did you say?
JIM
Well… I um… said, you know, she's… (long
pause) single. I mean, I don't know for
sure if Pam would even be interested…
KAREN
Trust me, she is.
Jim looks up sharply, then down again just as quickly.
JIM(back to eating)
What makes you say that?
KAREN
Come on, Jim. You've seen her look at him.
She's definitely feeling him. You know that
look. (Jim looks up at Karen again with a
mixture of annoyance and tiredness)
KAREN(hands up)
I mean, in general, knowing that look. Not
like, you personally. That's all I meant.
They are quiet for a few seconds.
KAREN(getting up the nerve to
go down this road)
Maybe… maybe you should um… kinda… talk to Pam.
They would make a nice couple. She should
go out on a date with him… Just, you know…
see what it's like.
JIM(staring)
And I'm supposed to convince her?
KAREN
Jim. Look… I know you care about her
enough that you want to see her happy.
She's NOT happy, Jim. Maybe going out
with Ricardo would be good for her…
You guys are FRIENDS, Jim… you out of anybody
could totally sell her on it. It could be…
just what she needs.
Jim nods and continues to eat. Karen does as well,
sneaking peeks at Jim's face. They sit in silence.
KAREN TALKING HEADKAREN
Yeah… that was… not one of my more
subtle moments. (She looks down. She
seems almost embarrassed and ashamed.
Then she looks up and makes a Jim face
at the camera, unintentionally. She sighs
and points at herself)
KAREN
Great. Now I'm doing it…
END ACT TWO
ACT THREE
INT. THE OFFICE-PHYLLIS AND STANLEY'S AREARicardo walks over to Phyllis and Stanley. They all exchange greetings.
RICARDO
So! I understand that Bob Vance…
(looks at Stanley)
of Vance Refrigeration…
STANLEY(nodding, doesn't
even look up from his crossword
puzzle)
Precisely…
RICARDO
…is adding a beautiful, new
model to his line. I hear it's
hot, sleek and looks GREAT in
white.
PHYLLIS(disappointed)
Oh… Bob usually tells me when
there's a new unit in…
STANLEY(Still looking down)
Phyliss… I believe he's referring to
you.
PHYLLIS(after it sinks in)
Oh! Oh, Ricardo… (laughs) you are so sweet!
RICARDO
Congratulations!
They hug.
STANLEY TALKING HEADSTANLEY
Yes, I do like that young man
Ricardo. He's smart, respectful…
(leans closer to camera)
But I wouldn't let him anywhere
NEAR my daughter. That boy is
slicker than a soapmaker's ass.
INT.-THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREAJim and Karen enter the office and hang up
their coats. They seem a little chilly to
each other. Pam notices but keeps her silence.
Jim eases over to the counter while Karen
returns to her seat.
JIM
Hey.
PAM
Hey. Is… everything ok?
JIM
Yeah, um… everything is cool.
Uh… hey, uh, can I talk to you
about something?
Pam's eyes bulge at the familiar question.
She becomes sort of nervous.
PAM
Um… yeah, sure… um… the kitchen?
JIM
Ok.
They both head towards the kitchen area, passing
Dwight, who is eating a Mr. Goodbar. They both
shake their heads slightly.
INT.-THE OFFICE-KITCHEN AREAJim and Pam walk in and stand a few feet apart.
We see them though the window of the door. Pam is
still nervous, her hands in constant motion.
JIM
Um… Ok… I don't want to
get into your business…
This unexpected statement calms Pam a little.
PAM
You always can. You know
that, Jim.
JIM(smiling)
Ok… that's… that's good.
There's a moment of warmth between them. It's obvious
that they care for one another tremendously.
JIM
I um… I wanted to ask you
about Ricardo.
PAM
Ricardo?
JIM
Yeah, um… he comes across
like a really good guy…
and he really likes
you a lot, apparently… and…
maybe you… like him a bit,
too…
PAM
Are you… trying to get me
to go out with him?
JIM
Well, um… it's just that…
he really likes you. I
thought… I don't know, I
just… I just wanna see you
smile more often.
PAM
I smile… You… make me smile…
JIM
But I mean…(smiles) Thanks.
I mean a… you know… a
um… kind of relationship
smile…
(puts head down)
Maybe Ricardo can make
you smile that way.
PAM
You…
Pam looks through the door window and sees
Karen watching intently. Karen sees Pam and
turns away abrubtly.
PAM
Is that what you want?
JIM
It's not what I want…
that matters, Pam.
This is all about you.
PAM (sighs)
Jim… I don't think I can.
I mean… he's RICARDO! …and
I'm… I'm just Pam.
JIM(actually shocked to
hear this)
"Just Pam"?
(He moves closer to her)
JIM(continued)
There… there is no such
thing as "Just Pam". You
are… so far greater than
you know, Pam. You're…
Jim draws back and looks down, avoiding
eye contact but Pam looks at him, touched.
JIM
Um… I… I just want you to be
happy, Pam. That's all that
matters to me…
Jim leaves before Pam can answer. She stands alone
in the kitchen, emotions playing across her face.
INT. THE OFFICE-PHYLLIS AND STANLEY'S AREARicardo is just about to walk towards the
kitchen when he sees Creed waving at him.
CREED
Rico! Over here!
Ricardo walks over to Creed's desk. Meredith
is on the phone at her desk but stares openly
at him.
MEREDITH
Can't talk now.
(Hangs up and goes back to staring.)
CREED(removing his glasses)
Rico, how ya doin', good? Fine, me too, ok…
I want the same deal as before. Six crates
of hand-rolled Habanos. I got a guy in East
Stroudsburg, could be a steady contact. Only
difference on my end is that the 420 is
from Hawaii and not Amsterdam. Good?
RICARDO
I… have no idea what you're talking about,
Creed.
CREED(looking closer at Ricardo)
You're not Rico from the diner.
RICARDO
No.
CREED
And… you're not wearing a wire, right?
RICARDO
Uh… no.
CREED
Have a good day.
(Turns back to his desk and puts
his glasses back on.)
Ricardo looks at the camera and walks
away but is intercepted by Meredith.
MEREDITH
Don't pay him any mind,
he's crazy.
RICARDO
Uh… yeah.
MEREDITH
Completely gone.
(pulls out a small
bottle of alcohol)
MEREDITH(whispering)
Wanna share this in the
stairwell?
RICARDO
Um… Um… I gotta um… go turn
the um… thing back on in the
um… back there… sorry…
He squeezes past Meredith and practically
runs towards the kitchen.
INT.-THE OFFICE-JIM AND DWIGHT'S AREA
Jim sits at his desk, obviously distracted by
his conversation with Pam. Dwight is still
eating his Mr. Goodbar, his desk littered
with wrappers.
DWIGHT(still eating)
Jim… exactly how much chocolate…
is to be consumed for this to
happen?
JIM
How much have you eaten?
DWIGHT
This is my fifth one…
JIM
Oh, that's not nearly
enough. I think Ricardo
said that he ate about
twenty candy bars a day.
DWIGHT
Twent… Oh this is
ridiculous. I'm not
going to…
Just then Pam walks by heading back to reception.
PAM
Hi, Dwight… (she stops)
Hey… there's something…
different about you.
Have you been working
out?
Dwight stares at her.
PAM(smiling)
Well, whatever it is…
Keep up the good work.
Pam leaves and winks at Jim as she passes. Jim gives
Dwight a "Hey, see?" look. Dwight starts eating the
candy bar again.
DWIGHT TALKING HEADDWIGHT(chewing candy bar)
I view this office as a pride of lions.
And I am the second in command lion to
Michael. So when other… lions… come to
sniff our women, I must use every means
at my disposal to maintain the female…
(pause) lion alignment… But I am not
overly concerned by this. Women have
long been fascinated by the Schrute
male. My grandfather had three wives.
(pause) Not all at the… same time
but… there were three of them.
INT.-THE OFFICE-TOBY'S DESKToby sits facing Ricardo as he works on a copier between
Toby's area and Kelly's area.
TOBY
Wow, really?
RICARDO
Yeah, I go on my vacation…
get a little room at a motel
near the beach, nothing too
fancy… and just enjoy myself.
TOBY
And where do you go? Like… Costa
Rica?
RICARDO(laughing)
No, no. Southern California. Usually
around San Diego. Killer waves, dude.
TOBY
Wow. I… really want to do that.
RICARDO
You should. I've only been surfing
for a few years now but it's the greatest,
man. It's indescribable.
Kelly rolls over from her desk and
pulls her seat next to Ricardo.
KELLY
Wow, that is so cool, Ricky. You in a
Speedo… um… surfing. You know…
I've… never been surfing before.
RICARDO
Oh yeah? Maybe your boyfriend Ryan
can take you.
KELLY
Oh… well… well maybe he can.
RICARDO
Maybe.
KELLY(a little angry)
Definitely.
RICARDO(shrugs)
Ok.
KELLY(turning towards the
other end of the office.
RYAN!
She leaves and Ricardo and Toby snicker.
TOBY
I have to learn how you did that.
Sometimes I can't even… the chatter,
Ricardo, the chatter.
RICARDO
Boy, I can imagine… I…
Just then Michael walks over.
MICHAEL
No, no, no, no, do NOT talk to
this man, Ricardo! He will jinx you,
he will… he will… kill your chick
mojo!
(Michael points at Toby's desk.)
MICHAEL(continued)
Get back over there, Toby. Go do
your evil HR crap back in your…
evil HR stinkhole. Get out of here.
Toby rolls his chair back to his desk quietly.
TOBY TALKING HEADTOBY
Having a nice conversation with
Ricardo and then being interrupted
by Kelly and Michael is like…
riding your bike on a great spring
day… and then getting hit by a car.
And then having your wallet stolen.
(Pause) And not necessarily in that
order.
INT.-THE OFFICE-TOBY AND KELLY'S AREAMichael is blathering away while Ricardo is
toiling away at the copy machine, trying his
best to ignore him.
MICHAEL
So, yeah… I don't know if you've
ah, ever noticed this but chicks
love a good sense of humor, you
know? You ever pick up on that?
RICARDO(not really listening)
Uh huh.
MICHAEL
If I'm in a bar and there's a
babe… babe alert! (laughs) I'll
um… I'll loosen her up with some
jokes… Oh! Oh! I have a killer
knock knock joke. Guaranteed.
Ok… um… Knock Knock!
RICARDO
What?
MICHAEL(confused)
No… not "what?" It's… ok, maybe
it's different in Cuba. In the U.S. we
go "Who's there?"…
RICARDO(getting annoyed)
Michael…
MICHAEL
No, wait… this is a good one!
Knock Knock!
RICARDO(more annoyed)
Michael!
MICHAEL
I know, the pacing isn't what
you're used to. But just say
"Who's there?" and…
RICARDO(completely aggravated)
MICHAEL!! Can't I… please, please
PLEASE, please God, please just
finish servicing these machines
and then get the hell out of here?!?
MICHAEL
What… what's wrong?
RICARDO
You're… you're driving me CRAZY with
the… the following and the questions…
I TOLD you! I haven't had a date in
weeks! I'm TIRED of it all!
I'm… I'm just looking for that…
special one. You understand??
MICHAEL
Um… well… yes?
Ricardo sighs and shakes his head.
RICARDO
Aren't you… seeing someone?
I heard that you were. Don't
you… don't you like her?
MICHAEL
Um… yes. Yes, I do like her.
She's ah… she's very special
to me.
RICARDO
So, then that's all you need! I
can't TELL you how hard that is
to find! (pause) I… I actually
ENVY you, Michael.
(He stares at Michael,
shakes his head and then
looks at Toby)
RICARDO(continued)
This… this place is like the
freakin' Twilight Zone, man.
Ricardo walks off.
TOBY
But… I like the Twilight Zone.
INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREAPam is playing solitaire when Ricardo walks over. He looks
frazzled.
PAM
Are you ok?
RICARDO
I don't know how you work here… this place
is insane.
PAM
Yeah… (sighs) I don't know how I work here,
either.
RICARDO
Listen… can I talk to you about something?
Pam laughs.
RICARDO
What?
PAM
Nothing… it's been a strange day. Let's go
into the kitchen.
Pam and Ricardo head towards the kitchen. Jim, chewing on a
pen, watches them go. He almost looks as though he will bolt from his chair and go after them.
INT.-THE OFFICE-KITCHEN AREAThey both enter and stand in the exact same place that Pam and Jim stood in earlier.
RICARDO
Ok… um… look. I was um… noticing that maybe
there was a mutual um… attraction between
us and um… I was wondering… Oh my God, I
can't believe how nervous I am!
They both laugh.
RICARDO
I was wondering if you would like to go
out one night. We can do anything you
want. You name it.
PAM
Ohhhhhhh… I'm gonna kick myself for this
but… Ricardo, you are… wow. I'm not even
sure why you are asking ME out but…
my head is just… it's just all over the
place right now. I can't even think
straight. It really wouldn't be fair to
you at all. You deserve so much better
than that. I'm sorry.
RICARDO(smiling)
It's Jim, isn't it?
PAM(shocked)
What?
RICARDO(shaking his head)
You guys have a hell of a time linking
up. First you have somebody and he
doesn't then he has somebody and you
don't. It's…
PAM
This… this has nothing to do with Jim.
(looks at camera) Nothing at all.
RICARDO
(looks at camera as well,
realizing)
Oh… Oh… I'm sorry. I… wow… I leaped
to the wrong conclusion. That was
rude of me, I apologize. I don't
know where I got that from. I'm sorry…
PAM
That's alright… I… that's ok.
RICARDO
Listen… this offer doesn't expire.
(laughs then gets serious) I really
like you, Pam. I think you are…
special. And I think… others feel
that way, too. So…(takes out a
business card)
RICARDO (continued)
please take this. All of my numbers
are here. If you ever change your mind
or… just want to talk… give me a call.
Ricardo kisses Pam's cheek. She smiles and blushes.
RICARDO(starting to leave)
I'll see you around, Miss Beesly.
PAM
How long do I have on that offer?
Ricardo turns around. You can completely see why women
are just head over heels over the guy.
RICARDO
As long as you need.
He leaves. Pam throws her head into her hands and lets
out a low moan. Then she walks over to the door and watches
Jim pretend to work. She sighs and smiles lightly.
PAM TALKING HEADPAM
So… I am not going out on a date
with Ricardo. I'm sure the office
girls will kill me… (laughs) But
I'm still getting used to it just
being me… and I kind of like it.
You learn all kinds of things
about yourself. What you want…
So maybe one day, Ricardo...
(she holds up his card)
PAM
Maybe one day…
MICHAEL TALKING HEADMICHAEL
You know… every time Ricardo comes here
I always look at him and ask myself…
"Is he happy?" Sure, he's a good-looking
young man, smart, funny… but is he happy?
Fulfilled? And sadly, the answer is no.
Ricardo, as it turns out, wants something
that Michael Scott already has. The love of
a good woman. Or… the strong like… or at
least the, ah… tolerance of a good woman…
but the point is… I pity Ricardo.
INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREAWe see a series of shots. Ricardo packing up.
Ricardo saying bye to Jim, Dwight(still eating
candy bars) and then a cute little wave to Pam.
Pam waves back and, after Ricardo leaves, she
looks at Jim, who, typically, has his back to
her. She looks regretful, almost sad. Then a
small smile appears and then leaves and she
looks down. Just then Jim turns around in
his chair, careful not to be noticed by his
co-workers. He looks at Pam for a moment, then
turns back, staring at his monitor but not
seeing anything.
MICHAEL VOICE-OVER
I pity him because what he wants can be so
hard to find. So elusive. That one person…
that person that makes you whole and brightens
your life… and shows you what love truly is…
that person can be on the other side of the
earth… or right in front of you. And poor
Ricardo hasn't found her yet. How many people
do?
MICHAEL TALKING HEADMICHAEL
So poor Ricky Ricardo. Keep searching Baabaloo,
keep searching. Your Lucy is out there somewhere.
Waiting for you.
(Pauses, then smiles)
MICHAEL(continued)
Hey… Let's call Jan again! (reaches for phone)
But no matter how many times she asks… you are
not here.
END ACT THREE
EPILOGUE
DWIGHT TALKING HEADDwight is still eating a candy bar. He is sweating
and does not look well.
DWIGHT
I haven't noticed any change in An…
uh, the other women besides Pam…
even though I have doubled up on
the dosage. Well, not quite… this
is… this is… number 37.
(pauses, looks absolutely ill)
DWIGHT(continued)
I am… twice the man Ricardo is…
So I should be able to…
(REALLY looks sick now)
DWIGHT(continued)
Um… Excuse me…
(gets up and runs off)
END EPILOGUE