Disclaimer: Neither Dean, Sam nor Bobby are mine. They all belong to the CW and Mr Kripke who do great things with them.
Summary: Bobby's thoughts on Dean and Sam post Season 2 All Hell Breaks Loose (so spoilers for part 2 of that)
I watch them, he hasn't changed but his brother has. Considering he can count the days until he dies, he seems remarkably unconcerned. Sam, however, is different, markedly.
Sam is the one counting the days, the one watching like a hawk, the one worrying like a first-time mother with a new-born babe. Dean laughed at him the other day when presented with yet another healthy meal, saying 'What's the point? If in a year I die of high cholesterol or obesity at least I've enjoyed my food. There are worse things I could die from in the meantime on a gig. Ya know that'd be a real kick in the teeth for that demon if I went early wouldn't it! Wonder which way I'd go if I go early.'
He acts like it's a joke, big grin and a laugh, but while Sam cringes what he doesn't see is that Dean's eyes are no longer laughing. They are no longer lit by life.
I asked Dean back before Sam knew what he'd done, why did he think his life was worth so little, whether his self-esteem was really that low. I saw it in his eyes then… Dean died years ago, sacrificed on the altar of family love, oh he still walked, talked and did the job but his life was stolen by the demon the night it killed his mother. He's lived on a borrowed time ever since. Thrust from childhood to adulthood when he was four, by the time he was actually old enough to be hunting he was an old man, seen too much and world-weary. He raised his brother like another would raise a son; saw him mature and leave home. He's seen more than a lifetime's weight of blood, guts, death and sorrow and in between he's smiled and made nice and pretended he doesn't feel like he knew his end was coming.
His father spoke and he acted, order and execution, but where in that is the love, the life? Don't get me wrong, John Winchester loved Dean, as he loved Sam, but he needed Dean more than he was able to love him and he gave his heart to his boys, he just forgot to show them how important they were and for Dean it meant he's never known… until now.
I've seen Dean watching Sam, there is pride and love in the way he looks at his brother and something else. Sam's incessant search for an answer, a solution, a way out is finally hammering the message home that Dean too is loved and wanted, that his brother cannot face the thought of him dying. I don't know how but somehow Sam has managed to convince him that it is not just guilt driving the search, it is love, it is something that he would have done regardless of why Dean's days are numbered.
While Dean's megawatt grin no longer reaches his eyes, his love and pride do. He is filled with an admiration for the man his brother has become and an unfailing belief that he did what he had to do, he did the right thing and that if Sam doesn't find an answer, it doesn't matter, because even if he dies, Sam will be alive and for that alone in Dean's eyes it's worth it… I hope he's right.
Author's Note: Just a little something that occured to me as I saw each person's reaction to what Dean had done and Dean's smile at the end when he said they had work to do.