AN: This is a one piece story, just my view of how things should happen after 12x24. I hope everyone enjoys.
"I find myself at your door,Just like all those times before,
I'm not sure how I got there,
All roads—they lead me here.
I imagine you are home,
In your room, all alone,
And you open your eyes into mine,
And everything feels better"
Bring her back home.
Arizona couldn't stop repeating those words in her mind as she stared at the dark wooden door she had been standing in front of for the last five minutes. Her hands were sweating, and she was trying to keep track of her respiratory rate in order to calm down, but all she could feel was absolute fear and undeniable anxiety. She knew that flying all the way to New York without any previous notice was a terrible idea – a careless mistake based on a decision made under the heavy influence of a bottle of wine and unbreakable nostalgia – and there was nothing that she wanted more than to turn around and run away, as fast as she could and as far as possible, without ever looking back. However, it felt like some sort of magnetic power was pulling her closer and closer, making her heart beat faster and forcing her to make a fool out of herself in front of the woman behind the closed doors.
Callie's apartment in New York was nothing familiar to Arizona and, even though she had been there twice after she had given her ex wife her full blessing to move, it just felt completely strange to walk those halls – it was like something simply wasn't right, like nothing about that place made her feel welcome and, most definitely, nothing about the urbane-looking apartment gave her a sense of belonging. Standing there in that moment didn't make her feel any different, because that wasn't her home.
Ever since Callie's dad appeared in the hospital, two days previously, Arizona couldn't help thinking about her ex-wife, about their family, about the sense of home she had built for herself and Carlos Torres seemed to be more than willing to make her feel that way.
"Do you miss her?" he had asked her over dinner, as the waiter served her second glass of wine.
Arizona had frowned at the time, her expression turning into a confused grimace as she tried to understand what her former father-in-law was expecting as an answer to the unforeseen question.
"You mean Sofia?" she had offered, smiling at the sound of her daughter's name coming out of her own mouth. She missed her daughter, she missed her more than anything and, as a matter of fact, anyone could easily notice how much that had been affecting her not only on a personal level, but also professionally.
"My daughter." He had responded, exhibiting a serious and concerned expression Arizona had only ever seen him express when it came to his Calliope and her happiness. "Do you miss my daughter."
She had remained silent at the time, her lip pursing and her eyebrows showing an expression of explicit bafflement as she tried to come up with the most obvious answer she could think of.
Arizona had wanted to say no. She had wanted to laugh – give Mr. Torres one of those amused laughter sounds that only she was capable of performing – and say no. She couldn't miss Callie, she couldn't even think about missing her – she had told her to move, after all, she had given her ex-wife her full blessing, and she didn't regret it because she knew it was the correct thing to do at the time –, but the tightness that she had felt on her chest when she had tried to let the words of denial come out of her mouth told her a completely different story.
She had stayed silent for a minute, her eyes fixed on the glass of wine in front of her as she fought an inner battle against her own self – her brain was sure of its answer and was trying, without success, to beat the whirlwind of feelings getting to her.
"I do" she had answered, her eyes widening as she heard the words coming out of her mouth.
She missed Callie. She couldn't miss her, she shouldn't miss her and she had lied to herself for so long that she actually had started to believe that she didn't miss Calliope, but the realization that it was all just an enormous fallacy she had repeated in her own mind like a mantra made perfect sense.
Arizona had let Callie go, she had told her to be free, to go chase her dreams, but staying hadn't been easy and, as much as tried to act like everything was normal, she felt like she couldn't do anything anymore.
Arizona's hand felt heavy as she closed it in a fist, moving it unhurriedly towards the door with the unsure intention of knocking, as if her brain was defensively trying to stop her from finishing that action that her heart so wished for her to perform. Everything felt surreal, and the sound of her knocking seemed to be as distant as her mind, as she tried to figure out precisely what she was about to do, what she was about to say.
Nothing about that situation felt normal or certain, and even though Callie's father had told her to bring her home, Arizona knew that all she could possibly do was to tell the woman how she felt. She couldn't bring her home and she was sure of the fact that her ex-wife didn't love her or miss her, but she needed to look at Callie and say out loud the words that had been haunting her for the last days.
A few seconds passed before the opening door exhibited the familiar face behind it, making Arizona's heart feel tight in her chest and her throat feel as if it was closing. Calliope was beautiful – stunningly beautiful, the fetal surgeon would have stated – and her eyes narrowed as she expressed the evident confusion that her brain was transparently trying to decipher. Arizona was supposed to come visit Sofia only two days later, and Callie's expression suggested concern that something might have been terribly wrong.
"Your dad came to see me at the hospital," Arizona stated, the words coming out of her mouth more quickly than she could possibly think about saying them.
Callie's face grew darker and even more confused at the words she heard, her head tilting in a worried when the word hospital was pronounced.
"He's fine," the blonde woman reassured her ex-wife, seeing the explicit concern that had just been installed in Callie's eyes. "He's alright, he's not sick. He came to see me. He wanted to see me."
Callie's expression cleared for a second, her shoulders releasing the tension as she processed the information that her father was well. Arizona noticed how her ex-wife sighed briefly, in an evident sign of relief, and how her beautifully dark eyes got lost before they fixed their gaze on her again, looking even more confused than they were before. She motioned that she was about to speak, about to say some welcoming words to the woman standing in front of her looking as pale and terrified as she had ever seen her, but Arizona stopped her from uttering any words by shaking her head and opening her own mouth - only to sigh heavily and purse her lips again, letting her eyes stare at the ceiling for a moment as she tried to gain composure.
"Arizona" Calliope said, making the fetal surgeon's remaining leg tremble and her eyes tear up. "Why don't you come in and we talk about whatever is bothering you. I could -"
"No!" Arizona screamed, her voice quivering and her breath becoming as unsteady as it was all the way over there as she closed her eyes to keep herself from crying in front of Callie. "I can't come in, not until you hear everything I have to say. Possibly not ever again. I just need to talk. So please, do not invite me in."
"Okay" Callie replied, her voice sounding calming and reassuring as she tried to put the woman in front of her at ease. "Then, let's talk. Tell me, it's okay."
Arizona took a deep breath, nodding and wiping away the tears before they fell. She was good in tense moments, that's what she was raised to be and she had always been good at it – she was a good man in the storm –, but nothing about the scene happening around her inspired her calmness or tranquility. She wanted to run, she wanted to go home and be alone and cry herself to sleep like she had been doing for a significant amount of time now.
"Your father," she tried to speak, trying to keep her breath and her voice steady. "He asked me out for dinner. And you can imagine my surprise when I find out he's not there to talk about our Sofia, but to talk about you."
Callie frowned, the statement that her father had driven all the way to Seattle to talk to her former wife about her didn't make any sense and, judging by the look on Arizona's face, it seemed like that unexpected meeting had done something terrible to the woman.
"And when he asked me if I missed you, because he did ask," Arizona proceeded, shaking her head as if she couldn't even believe she was actually telling Callie about that. "I wanted to say that I didn't. I wanted to deviate and I wanted to explain that we were divorced and that we have been divorced for a long time but, all I could think about was how saying that I didn't miss you felt wrong. Because it's a big fat lie. I miss you. I miss you, Calliope."
Arizona watched as Callie opened her mouth and arched her eyebrows in complete astonishment and, feeling the relief that came with the sound of those words finally coming out of her mouth, smiled briefly.
She missed Callie. She missed Callie so much more than she ever thought she would, and ever since her ex-father-in-law had made her admit that to herself, there was nothing else she could think about and it felt unbelievably good to have said it, even though it probably meant nothing to the woman she loved.
"I miss you. I love you, and I miss you. And, ever since the day you walked away from me, from us, I've been telling myself that I can't miss you, that I'm not allowed to because I had you and I screwed it up and I had no right to feel anything. I've been lying to myself for so long about how I feel about you, that I even started to believe my own lies, Callie. But I miss you," Arizona managed to say between tears she couldn't help from falling anymore. "I miss you and I can't sleep, and I can't eat and I can't work because there is this hole in my life, in my soul, that's been there ever since you left and I've been desperately telling myself that it's not the gap where you were supposed to be. But it is."
Arizona gasped for air as she tried to control the apparently inevitable sobs, giving herself an ironic and nervous laughter.
"I thought Seattle was my home, I thought the Grey Sloan Memorial was my home, but you have always been there. Even after you left me, you were still there, and that's what it took for me to feel like everything was gonna be okay, even if it wasn't. I just had to walk down to the ER and I'd see you working on patients and smiling" she stressed the last word, giving Callie the best super magic smile she could come up with in the middle of the mess of tears she was. "And I would know that everything would be okay. And now you're gone, and I know I told you to come and I don't regret it. But now nothing is okay, and nothing will ever be okay, and I feel so lonely to the point I cry myself to sleep every night wondering what the hell is wrong with me. And now I know that what's wrong with me is that you're not there, and I was so happy with you that I couldn't even remember how to live with that hole in my life where someone is supposed to be. Where you are supposed to be. It was there before you, and after you there is nothing that can cover it up."
Arizona stopped for a moment, taking a few seconds to analyze Calliope's expression. The brunette also had tears falling from her dazzling eyes, and the fetal surgeon could see that she was trying to repress sobs by covering her mouth with a hand and leaning on the half open door for support.
"And I know you've found love again, I know you've found the person you'd follow across the earth," she proceeded, sighing heavily and shaking her head to stop herself from crying anymore than she already had. "I know that you don't love me anymore, I know you want to love yourself and I know you told you wanted me to love myself and that you wanted me to be free. But I can't. I'm stuck, Callie, I can't move and I can't breathe. I miss you, I miss loving you, I miss seeing your smile every day, I miss watching you work with such passion that only you can express, I miss hugging you, and kissing you, and feeling like everything is gonna be okay."
Callie tilted her head, taking a very deep breath and looking straight into the pair of blue eyes. She took a step towards Arizona, carefully stretching a hand and offering a respectful and caring look.
"Arizona,"
"No, let me finish. I need to finish." she replied, and Callie nodded. "I love you, Calliope, and I know that I'll never love again, not truly. And that's okay. That's not what hurts. And, even though it seems like it, I'm not here to make you feel bad about me, I'm not here to bring you home like your father asked me to do, and I'm not here to try and get you back. I know that's not up to me, I know it's out of reach and it was never what I meant by coming here. I'm here because I needed to get this off my chest, I needed to say the truth I've been denying out loud in front of you, I needed to say it and I thought you should know. And I need one thing from you. I need you to tell me there's nothing left. I need you to tell me you're happy, and that you have everything you need and everything you want, so I can go pick our daughter up at school and spend three beautiful days with her and go back home and restart my life. So, can you tell me that? Can you do that for me, please?"
Callie stared at Arizona for a full minute, her eyes fixed on the beautiful woman who was trying so desperately to fight the tears as she felt her heart beat faster and tears fall from her own eyes. She loved her, she loved Arizona with every inch of her body and she was trying so hard to deny that feeling that had been tossed aside for so long. Calliope knew something was wrong from the minute she landed in New York with her daughter, she couldn't tell what and she couldn't understand why she felt that way, and that feeling that something was missing wasn't going away even if she tried as hard as she could.
"I can't" she responded, her eyes closing as she tried to make sense of what she had just said. She should have said what Arizona wanted her to, she should have assured her ex-wife that there was nothing left between them, that she didn't love her that way anymore, but she couldn't lie, not after the speech Arizona had just given.
The blonde woman sobbed, her body falling to one side when she couldn't keep her balance and leaning on the wall to keep standing. Arizona couldn't believe the woman she loved and who had once loved her was denying her what she had just asked, she couldn't believe Callie would ever deny her closure, that she would ever be this mean, even after everything the woman had put her through to come to New York with Sofia.
"I can't do that, Arizona," Callie continued, walking towards her ex-wife, touching her hair gently and wiping her tears away. "I can't tell you that I don't love you and I can't tell you that I don't miss you. Because it's just not the truth. And I can't lie to you."
Arizona stopped breathing for a moment, turning her eyes to look at Callie with an inquiring expression showing on the red crying face. She didn't understand what was happening, she didn't understand anything about what she had just heard and she couldn't think straight anymore, not after everything she had just said.
"What?" she managed to ask.
Callie's face was close to her own, she could feel her breath on her cheeks and her scent - the smell she was impregnated in her mind and would never forget.
"I miss you too." The orthopedic surgeon stated, bringing her hands to Arizona´s face and cupping her cheeks with them, lifting the woman's chin so that she could look right into her ocean blue eyes.
"Calliope..." she said, the name sounding like a song, like a prayer, full of devotion and adoration and surprise.
Arizona didn't have time to take another breath. Before she knew - before she could understand what was happening, before she could think - Callie's lips were pressing hers and they were kissing passionately, in a way they hadn't done for so long that they could swear it was like the first time all over again. Arizona had missed those lips, they were sweet, like caramel and cotton candy, and eager like she needed to consume every bit of her essence in one kiss. It felt like coming home, like being where you are supposed to be and finding your place in the world, the place you belong to, the place you feel safe to feel weak, and small, and needy, because absolutely nothing can get you there. It felt like everything was going to be okay, even if it wasn't.