Hoss Cartwright walked into the Bucket of Blood Saloon and went straight to the bar. Sam the bartender asked him, "Beer or whiskey?" Hoss grunted, "Whiskey." Sam served him and moved on to his other customers. Hoss let the drink stand on the bar and frowned at it. A tall man in black who had been sitting at a table stood up and joined him. "Going to drink it or watch it?" Without turning Hoss growled, "Get away from me, Adam." Adam took a deep breath and sighed. "I'm sorry," he said. "I never meant to hurt you."
Hoss grabbed his drink and swallowed it in one gulp. He slammed the empty glass back down on the bar so hard it shattered. His hand was bleeding, but he didn't notice. "You knew I loved her. You knew I wanted to marry her, but it didn't stop you. You're the meanest, lowest thing I've ever seen, Adam, and for the first time, I'm sorry you're my brother." His voice was pitched low, but Adam could hear agony in it. Sam handed him a dish towel, and he tried to take Hoss's big hand and wrap it up.
"Hoss, Regan left Virginia City - she's gone back to San Francisco. She wasn't right for you. Come back home, Pa and Joe and I miss you," said Adam.
Hoss pulled his hand away. "No," he said. "Things can't ever be the way they were between us, Adam. You're my older brother, and I've always respected you and loved you and looked up to you, but no more." He stared at Adam. "I'm leaving Nevada for good."
"Where will you go?" asked Adam.
"I'm following Regan to San Francisco," said Hoss. "I've got to make her change her mind about us." He turned to leave, but Adam caught his arm. Hoss didn't hesitate. He turned back and hit Adam on the jaw with a punch that knocked the other man off his feet. Hoss stood and looked down at his brother. It was pretty clear he wasn't going to get up any time soon. "Goodbye," he said and walked out of the saloon.
...
Hoss rode towards the Miller home, thinking all the way of the sight of Regan in Adam's arms, of her words to him at what should have been their engagement party, of the time he'd spent in the mountains sorting things out. The house was dark when he arrived, and he dismounted and knocked on the door. "Miss Amelia, Miss Amelia," he called. "It's me, Hoss Cartwright." A lamp was lit in an upstairs bedroom, and he heard a window open. "Who's down there? I've got a gun!" He stepped back away from the door and called up to the window. "It's me, Miss Amelia, Hoss Cartwright!"
"Are you drunk, Hoss?" Amelia Miller demanded angrily. "Go home!"
"Miss Amelia, I'm dead sober, I promise you. Please come down - I need to know where Regan is."
The window slammed shut, and Amelia Miller came downstairs. She opened her front door. "Come in, Hoss. I'll make some coffee."
The big man shook his head. "No, thank you, ma'am. I just need to know where Regan is."
"Hoss, Regan isn't the woman for you - for any decent man." Amelia felt such pity for the man before her that she didn't know what to do.
"You're her sister! How can you say such a thing about her?" Hoss demanded angrily.
"Hoss, come in, and I'll tell you about Regan. Maybe you'll understand better." Hoss hesitated, but Amelia stood back with the door open. He sighed and went inside, and followed Amelia Miller to her kitchen. She built up a fire in the stove, and put a pot of coffee on to brew. Hoss sat down at the kitchen table, and she cut him a piece of pound cake.
"Miss Amelia, I'm not hungry, and I don't want coffee - I just need to know where Regan is." Hoss stood up, impatient to leave.
"Sit down, Hoss." Amelia's blue-gray eyes bored into his, and he sat back down. She poured each of them a cup of coffee and sat down across from him.
"Hoss, did you ever know my father?" Amelia asked.
"The judge? Yes, ma'am, he was a fine man. I remember when he died in that hunting accident. Pa spoke at his funeral, and every business in Virginia City closed out of respect."
"Yes, Hoss, my father was a man that everyone admired and respected and loved," said Amelia, "but my sister and I knew a different side of him. Didn't you ever wonder why my father never remarried after my mother died?"
"Well, no, ma'am. I just thought that he never - well," Hoss came to a stop.
"Regan was an extraordinarily beautiful child," said Amelia, "and Father indulged her in everything. I was older and I was jealous - oh, so jealous. Father bought her anything she wanted. When he traveled, he would bring her beautiful presents - dolls, dresses, jewelry. He would bring me a book or something. It was as if I were just an afterthought. Oh, Regan was generous and shared her things with me, but I was always aware of the difference between us." She paused and took a sip of coffee.
"The summer Regan was thirteen, Father took her on a trip to New York. I had to stay with my Aunt Susan, Father's sister. At first Regan wrote me often about the wonderful time she was having with Father, but then the letters stopped. I got one or two more from Father before they came home. Regan was different after that trip - she was quiet around the house and she didn't seem to want to have anything to do with Father. When we went to church - when we went anywhere - I noticed that she would flirt with men, boys - it didn't matter. Father told her to stop, but she wouldn't. Then I realized that their relationship had changed, that she no longer obeyed him. I confronted her about it, told her she was hurting him, and she laughed." Amelia's voice broke, and she stopped talking and drank her coffee. She drained the cup, and got up to pour another cup for herself and Hoss.
"One night I couldn't sleep, and I got up to make myself some warm milk. I heard a noise coming from Regan's room, and I opened the door to look in on her. I saw them there - in her bed." Amelia stopped talking. Tears began to roll down her cheeks. Hoss reached out and took her hands in his.
"Stop, Miss Amelia, you don't have to finish this."
"Yes, I do." Amelia took a deep breath. "They were naked - Father and Regan. He was forcing her to -" In spite of her determination, Amelia couldn't finish, but she didn't have to. Hoss understood what she couldn't say. Amelia buried her head in her arms and wept. Hoss sat still and stroked her hair. When she was calm, she raised her head.
"I went back to my room and locked the door. The next day I went to my aunt and told her what I'd seen. Aunt Susan was so angry. She told me to stay behind, but I followed her. She confronted Father in his study, and told him she knew what he'd done to Regan, that he'd never have a chance to hurt her again. Father told Aunt Susan that he hadn't meant to hurt her, that she looked so much like our mother he couldn't help himself. That just seemed to make Aunt Susan even angrier. She told Father that if he ever tried to come near Regan or me, she'd kill him. When she came out of the study, she saw me standing there, and she told me to come with her. We went upstairs. Regan was still in bed - she was crying. Aunt Susan told me to pack a few things for both of us. While I did that, she got Regan up and dressed. We moved in with her, and we never saw Father again. The next day he went hunting, and - died."
"Aunt Susan did what she could for Regan, but the damage was too great, I guess. She sent Regan to see doctors in San Francisco, Boston, even New York, but Regan had changed. Father had shown her how powerful her beauty was, and, through his seduction of her, he'd taught her to despise men, to destroy them - and that's what she does, Hoss. That's what she'll try to do to you if you go after her." Amelia put her head down again and wept. Hoss sat at the table and continued to stroke her hair. When she finally looked up at him, she saw tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Do you still want to know where she is, Hoss?" asked Amelia. "I can tell you - she sailed for Europe with a Russian Grand Duke. She'll stay with him for awhile, and then she'll move on to someone else. It's what she does. I'm so sorry, Hoss."
"Thank you for telling me, Miss Amelia. I understand her better, I guess." He stood up, and she followed him to the door. "Go home, Hoss. Your family needs you - and you need them."
...
Hoss left the Miller home and rode out to Marie's grave. He knelt beside it, and prayed for Regan, for Amelia, and for all damaged children everywhere. He wept for the child Regan had been, for the innocence stolen from her. Finally, he had no more tears, and he unsaddled Chubb and let him graze. Hoss spread out his bedroll, but he didn't go to sleep right away. He lay there, thinking of his family. He'd never feared his father or dreaded his touch. Adam had always protected him from the time he was a baby. As he remembered their early days on the trail and the Ponderosa, he began to dream. He was in a garden, and a woman was standing near him. From a distance it looked like Regan, but as he came closer, he saw it was Marie. "Mama, is it really you?"
"Of course, my son. I will always be here when you need me." She held her hand out to him, and he took it. She led him to a seat and they sat together. "Have you been very unhappy, my dear?" she asked. Hoss poured out the story of his love for Regan, how Adam had betrayed him, how he'd fought Adam and brutally beaten him, and, finally, how Regan had rejected him.
"I went to see Miss Amelia tonight to find out where Regan had gone, and she told me..." his voice died away. He had slipped from the garden seat to the ground, and his head was on Marie's knee.
She stroked his hair. "My poor Eric, you must forgive Regan. Now that you know her story, it is easier for you to understand her. You must forgive your brother. Adam has always protected you, and he can't break the habit of a lifetime. And, finally, you must do that most difficult of all things, you must forgive yourself."
Hoss shook his head. "I don't think I can, Mama."
"You must," Marie whispered. "Your family will help you." She began to hum an old lullaby as she stroked his hair, and Hoss sat with his head against her knee, as he had when he was small.
...
When he awoke the next morning, his mind seemed clearer than it had in days. He rode Chubb into Virginia City, and left him at the livery. "Could you have someone return him to the Ponderosa?" he asked Mark, son of the livery's owner. Mark was older than Hoss, but his mind was as simple as a young child's. Hoss and Adam had often helped him when others picked on him or tried to take advantage of him.
"Sure thing, Hoss," said Mark. "Uh, Hoss, I was in the Bucket of Blood last night when you hit Adam."
Hoss looked down at the small man. "What were you doing there?
"Pa and me went over for a beer after work. Anyway, Sam sent me to get Doc Martin for Adam, and then I helped Pa and another man carry him over to the Doc's office. We left him there." Mark smiled up at his friend.
"That's good, Mark. You did good to help Adam." Hoss headed for Dr. Martin's office. Paul Martin looked up when he came in. "Adam's in the back, Hoss. He came around early this morning - he'll be all right, but he needs to take it easy for the next few days. You can take him home."
Hoss walked into the examination room, and found his brother sitting up on the cot. He was holding his head in his hands.
"How do you feel?" Hoss asked.
Adam looked up at him. "How's your hand?"
"Do you feel like riding, or should I rent a buggy?" Hoss asked.
"I can ride," said Adam. He stood up slowly and carefully, staggering a little. He was dizzy, Hoss could tell, and he reached out to grab Adam's arm. He steadied him, and let go when Adam seemed able to stand on his own. "I'll go rent a buggy," said Hoss.
He went back to the livery, rented the buggy, and tied Chubb to the back of it. He went back to Dr. Martin's office where he found Adam trying to mount Sport. Hoss pulled his brother away from the horse, and boosted him into the buggy. He tied Sport off next to Chubb, and climbed up next to Adam. He slapped the reins across the horse's back, and they began the long drive out to the Ponderosa.
Adam closed his eyes. His head was aching, and, after a night on the cot in Dr. Martin's office, his back was hurting, too. He opened his eyes and looked at Hoss, riding silently beside him. "How's your hand?" he asked.
Hoss didn't look at him. "It's fine."
Adam reached over to take Hoss' hand gently in his own. He turned it over and looked at the cut across the palm. "It's deep," he said. "You should have said something to Paul - he'd have sewn it up for you." Hoss pulled his hand away. He looked over at Adam as if he were going to speak, but the words wouldn't come, no matter what Marie had said in his dream.
When they reached home, he went around to help Adam down from the buggy. The door opened and Ben and Joe came out. "Well, it's about time you two got home," said Ben.
Hoss didn't answer his father. He helped Adam down, and, sliding his arm under his brother's shoulder, walked him into the house. Ben and Joe followed them inside, and Joe went to get Hop Sing. Hoss helped Adam upstairs and into his room. When Adam was sitting on his bed, Hoss slipped his boots off. He took a nightshirt from the chest, and helped Adam undress and put it on. Ben and Hop Sing came into the room then, and Hoss went to his own room. He pulled his carpetbag out from under his bed, and began to pack.
"Son?" Hoss turned to see Ben standing in his door. "Are you going somewhere?"
"I'm leaving, Pa. I'd have left early this morning, except that Adam needed help getting home. I hit him last night when he tried to talk to me. Paul said he didn't come around until early this morning, and he should take it easy for the next few days." Hoss took shirts from the chest and put them in the bag.
"Adam's asking for you, Hoss," Joe came into the room. He saw the open bag on the bed. "What are you doing?"
Hoss sighed, and continued to pack. Joe began to pull his clothes out of the bag.
"Stop it, Joe!" Hoss shouted.
"No, you stop it, Hoss!" Joe shouted back as he continued to empty the bag. "You and Adam! Both of you fighting and then you gone for a week!" Joe was choking up. His voice was breaking, and tears were in his eyes. He picked up the bag, turned it over, and dumped the rest of the contents on the floor. Hoss watched as the young man sank down on the floor, his head in his hands and his shoulders shaking.
Hoss and Ben knelt on either side of him, and Hoss reached out to him. "Joe, you don't understand - I have to leave."
Joe looked up at him with tears streaming down his face. "Why? Why do you have to go, Hoss?"
"Yes, why do you have to leave, Hoss?" The men on the floor looked up to see Adam standing in the door. Hoss stared at him and looked away. Adam took a few shaky steps into the room, and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Why do you have to leave?" he asked again. "Are you going after Regan?"
"No, I saw Miss Amelia last night, and she told me Regan -" Hoss couldn't finish. He swallowed. "It's over."
"Is it because I hurt you so much you can't forgive me?" asked Adam. "Is that it?"
"No," the big man whispered.
"Then why?" asked Adam.
"Because I hurt you so much I can't forgive myself," said Hoss.
Ben, Joe, and Adam stared at Hoss in shocked silence, and he took it for condemnation. Hoss picked up the carpetbag and put it on the bed next to Adam. He began to pack again. Ben was the first to move, and he stood up.
"Hoss - son, this isn't the way. I know you don't want to go. You may think you're punishing yourself, but you're punishing Joe and Adam and me as well." Ben's voice shook, and Hoss turned to see tears in his father's eyes. He looked down at Adam, still seated on the bed. Slowly, carefully, Adam stood up. He put his hand on Hoss's shoulder to steady himself.
"Stay, Hoss. We need you and you need us." Adam staggered, and Hoss grabbed him. He helped Adam back to his room and eased him into bed. As Hoss pulled the covers over Adam, Adam caught at his hand. Hoss pulled a chair close to the bed, leaving his hand in Adam's. He was there when Adam went to sleep, and he would be there when Adam woke up in the morning.