Enemies of the Cullens, BEWARE! Chapter 1: Revenge? HELL YEAH!, a twilight fanfic

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything.

LOCATION: Cullen HQ

LOCAL TIME: 12:30

PERSPECTIVE: BELLA.

'Alice,' I said patiently. 'What the hell is this?'

I waved the booklet that she had distributed to all of us when we had filed into the Cullen living room. If I acknowledged the twisting feeling in my gut, this wasn't going to be pretty. Then again, when were any of Alice's schemes pretty, or even faintly pleasant? Faintly horrifying should be the correct descriptive term.

Alice flashed a grin at me, revealing her venom-coated teeth.

'Read it.'

I shuddered, and obeyed. Then my eyes widened in disbelief.

OPERATION: ENEMIES OF THE CULLENS, BEWARE.

OPERATION DATA: Targeting anyone and I mean ANYONE, who has messed with us. In any way or form. Unintentionally or intentionally. I'm serious.

TARGETS: Mike Newton, Jessica Stanley, Lauren Mallory, Tyler Crowley, Eric Yorkie, Mr. Banner, Coach Clapp, Mr. Varner. Mr. Mason, Dr. Gerandy, Mrs. Cope, the Janitor of Forks High, Mike Newton again, Lauren Mallory again.

I understood why some of the people were on the list, but why the others?Almost all of the people I knew, or socialized with were on it.

HIT TEAM: CULLENISMS007

TEAM MEMBERS: RADIO NAMES:

ALICE CULLEN COLONEL SHOPPING GODDESS

JASPER HALE MAJOR EMO PANTS

EMMETT CULLEN CAPTAIN TEDDY BEAR

ROSALIE HALE LIEUTENANT FLOWER POWER

BELLA CULLEN CAPTAIN TOMATO SOUP

EDWARD CULLEN PRIVATE PRUDE

PLAN 1: MIKE NEWTON MUST DIE.

PLAN 2: WATCH OUT JESS.

PLAN 3: THE EXECUTION OF LAUREN.

PLAN 4: THE DISAPPEARANCE OF TYLER CROWLEY.

PLAN 5: CHECKMATE, ERIC.

PLAN 6: BLOODTYPE MR. BANNER.

PLAN 7: 50 PUSHUPS COACH CLAPP.

PLAN 8: TRIGger ANYTHING? MR VARNER

PLAN 9: BOOK-A-MANIA. MR MASEN

PLAN 10: WHAT'S UP DOC? DR GERANDY

PLAN 11: HOW'S THE KIDS MRS COPE?

PLAN 12: MESS UP THE CLOSET.

PLAN 13: ROUND 2, MIKE.

PLAN 14: ROOM FOR ONE MORE, LAUREN?

I looked up to the grinning faces of five amused vampires. I grumbled internally. Stupid vampire speed.

'You guys are actually serious about this, aren't you?'

They nodded. A smile made its way across my face.

'Okay. What do I have to do?'

LOCATION: Cullen HQ

LOCAL TIME: 13:05

DATE: THE FIRST DAY AFTER GRADUATION.

PERSPECTIVE: ALICE.

Yes, yes, yes.

The plans were going perfectly, just like I knew they would. Of course, Rose and I had already pre-purchased the clothes. Everything needs a suitable outfit. Even revenge schemes.

'TEAM CULLENISM 007, TO THE CULLEN DEN!'

I yelled, running off to the eastern wing of the Cullen Headquarters. The rest of my team was close behind me, grumbling negative things such as:

'Which part of superhuman hearing do you not understand? The super or the human?'

'My ears are bleeding…'

'That was louder than Edward in his stereo-blasting phase.'

'Excuse me; I did not have a stereo-blasting phase!'

Put a coven of vampires together for a couple of decades, and this is what you get. Shrugging, I tip-toed and took the handle off the phone that was in the middle of the wall. Then I dialed 007. Conspicuous? I guess. At least it's better than a handle, or god forbid, a painting. I motioned Jasper forward to the speaker and scanner that had appeared, after a section of the wall had slid inside itself.

'Jasper Whitlock Hale.'

He enunciated his name clearly into the speaker, and lifted his top eyelid up so that the scanners could scan his retina. After a few seconds, the robotic voice spoke.

'Welcome, Cullens.'

I heard Bella giggle behind me, and I turned around and raised an eyebrow.

'What? I mean, it's perfectly normal for seven vampires to have a secret room in their modern American home.'

Emmett snickered.

'Jasper, or Major Emo Pants was fixated with James Bond.'

'He still is.'

I muttered, as I entered the den.

Perspective: Bella.

'Edward. Is this a kunai?'

I reached up to touch it, but Edward quickly held my wrist. Knowing the danger-magnet I was, I'd probably cut my finger and bleed to death. He nodded, and quickly snagged a paintball gun with ease. Or at least, what I hoped was a paintball gun.

'What the hell is this place?'

'Cullen weapon den.'

I rolled my eyes. Of course. The weapons surrounding me did not tell me it was some sort of holding place for weapons. What intrigued me was why the Cullen needed weapons. Weren't their teeth and speed good enough?

'I know, but why do you need weapons? I mean, I bet you're faster than any kind of gun here.'

Alice threw me a swift smile as she bent over a cart full of paintball ammunition.

'To torture innocent humans, of course.'

Oh, right. I could never have guessed.

'Even vampires can have a dark side. God knows, we've seen Carlisle's every now and then.'

Carlisle? I could never have guessed. Then I thought about Emmett and Jasper fighting over a chocolate kitty biscuit when neither of them could even eat. Ah.

'Come on, we still need to go to Wal-Mart to take over the world.'

What?

'Eh, I meant to gather more materials for our plans.' Alice said, a little sheepishly. 'I mean, Esme doesn't usually buy a warehouse full of toilet paper.'

Huh. And I had thought that this 'den' held the answer to all life's questions. My future family certainly treated it that way.

LOCATION: WAL MART.

TARGET: TOILETERIES SECTION.

LOCAL TIME: 12:55

PERSPECTIVE: JASPER

Emmett would get a kick out of this. I knew he would. My dear wife was standing in front of a mountain-like toilet paper display, deciding which design of paper would look the 'prettiest and most fashionable' hanging from Mike Newton's house. I adore Alice, but sometimes she tended to take things a little too far. Wait, who am I kidding? She blows things completely out of proportion. And I love her for it. Besides, I can feel her signature exuberance five feet away.

'Jasper, look at this!' she cooed, tugging me to some other toilet paper display. I looked at it. Little puppies with wings and shooting stars. Fabulous. I started nodding my head and walking backwards.

'Very tasteful, dear.'

She beamed at me happily. If you were here, you'd see what I mean. Who alive or dead could resist Alice?

'Man, you are so totally whipped.'

I glared at my brother.

'As if you aren't. Who begged at a certain girl's door for a week because the girl in question was angry with the guy in question?'

'Shut up, Major Emo Pants.'

Ugh. The code names and the combined amusement of both Alice and Emmett at my name made me want to pounce at something. Anything. So when Edward and Bella walked towards us, hand in hand, I tackled Edward.

'Jasper? What the-?'

I grinned at him sheepishly, while feeling like slamming my head against the paper display.

'Emotions overpowered me.'

He shot me an understanding smile, and helped Bella up, as she had tripped over a roll of toilet paper. Hmm . While pondering the outcome of my decision (Yes, Alice had rubbed off on me),I picked it up, and hurled it at Emmett's massive form. That'd teach him to mess with me. Emmett froze as the toilet roll hit his head; half of it dissolving into tiny specks from the impact. Then he slowly turned around, a wild look crossing his features.

'Dear brother of mine… You. Are. So. Dead.'

Yes, Emmett. State the obvious thing.

'I'm glad you've noticed, after all these years. You do know that you are too, right?'

Emmett grabbed a handful of rolls from the gigantic toilet roll display, and started throwing them at me with deadly accuracy. Emmett, being Emmett, had thoughtfully took away the base of the toilet rolls, therefore collapsing the entire display.

'THIS MEANS WAR, MAJOR.'

Distantly, I could hear Bella mutter something as Edward ran away with her.

'Oh boy.'

Oh boy indeed.

LOCATION: CULLEN HQ

LOCAL TIME: 1:25

PERSPECTIVE: ALICE.

'Children, I am very disappointed in you. I was called from the hospital just to bail you out of jail, for the 19th time this year. I think,' Carlisle continued, 'that I'm going to have to stop your revenge scheme.'

I gasped.

'Carlisleyoucan'tdothistousssss!' I screamed, poking his chest rapidly at vampire speed. 'Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting to get back at these humans who made our existences… and life almost unbearable!'

Carlisle blinked.

'Alice, calm down. And stop poking my chest. Well, I do have some idea…' Carlisle said thoughtfully, 'I will allow you to continue, on some conditions.'

I could have cried in relief, if that was possible.

'You have to get back at some nurses for your mother and I.'

Wait. Carlisle did not just ask us to add more people to our revenge list. I was expecting him to tell us it was extremely juvenile and therefore unnecessary, and that the humans may have experienced a natural desire for us, but that was nothing punishable for. I guess we all do have a dark side.

'Okay!'

Carlisle proceeded to rattle off a list of names, addresses and telephone numbers. Probably from the birthday cards they gave him. I whipped out my list and began writing them down.

NEW: MRS. LILLIAN NEWTON, MISS ARMETELLA THOMPSON, MS. MARY ARNOLDS, MRS JILL BROWN.

Bella peered at the list, and her mouth fell open in a perfect 'O'.

'Wow, Carlisle. Are these just some of your rabid followers?'

Carlisle grimaced.

'Well Bella, they would say that they were my first and foremost.'

I looked at the assembled group evilly, already plotting the demise of everyone one of our 'targets'. Emmett grinned, waving a stray toilet roll that he had taken as a 'memoir' from Wal-Mart. He had taken to calling it Benny.

'This is going to be so awesome!'

We ran out of the house, and I could faintly hear Carlisle yelling something about 'staying out of jail'. I shrugged- a little deafness wouldn't hurt, would it?