This is where you shoot me for writing Yuffentine for Valentine's day. Vincent is probably tired of the cracks on his name and I know I wanted Yuffie to shut up the entire time I was writing this. She's ridiculous. YesAnimeCharactersCanBeSexy read this over for me!
You know those days that everything goes wrong and there's no end in sight because everyone is being a complete douche no matter what you do? Well, I'm not a big fan of those days and let me tell you, today is one of them.
First off, when someone wakes up and rolls over only to fall out of bed, you know it's all going to be downhill. When that person lands in a pile of dirty clothes that smell none to pleasant and probably should have been washed ages ago, you know it's going to be the apocalypse for them.
I, being the wonderful woman I am, managed to not even notice the warning signs but I know better now! After all, ninjas like me learn from their mistakes! It'd be kind of sucky if we didn't because lets face it, flipping out of a tree and then falling through a wooden box only needs to be done once.
Continuing on my merry way after a refreshing shower, and by refreshing I mean the hot water shut off five minutes in because Chocobo used it all up, I arrived in Tifa's kitchen. Leviathan only knows how she makes pancakes that could cause orgasms but she does. Not that I've ever, you know, orgasmed from eating one.
When I sat down at the table, Tifa in all her boobey glory turned around and frowned at me. Frowned! Like I did something wrong which I know I didn't because I was most definitely asleep. I'm innocent woman, innocent I say!
"Yuffie, there's not enough for you," she says to me like I'm a child that's going to throw a fit. Well she better bet her boobs I am! No pancakes on a Sunday morning is like no Vincent angsting during the entire week!
Before I could even begin the tirade against the evils that are nonexistent pancakes and the fatties that ate all the ones that did exist, Vincent mother fucking Valentine walked in. Without his cape on. This isn't something that should happen, even if he looks hot no matter what he's in. He could be in his birthday suit and he'd be-- bad Yuffie!
"Vinnie can you believe that there aren't any pancakes because honestly I think I'm going to smack a chocobo! It's Sunday and there are always pancakes!" One track mind, I have one. Godo always used to say so because lets face it, if you can only focus on getting the shiny thing at the top of the Christmas tree despite there being candy all over it, something is wrong with you. Not that candy is ever going to be better than materia. That'd be silly.
Vincent ignored me, which isn't surprising, and exited the room. Stage right. I think I heard the sound of my door slamming shut because it's got this particular screech to it that the others don't have. Tifa's door makes a weird 'eek' sound and Vincent's doesn't make any sounds. I think he oils it.
The fact that the slamming of my screechy door after Vinners went up there, without his cape, didn't alert me that something was most definitely wrong, is what led to a day of sheer torture.
For the first few hours after my spectacular entrance to the waking world, Cloud would glare at me from out of the corner of his eyes and I'd flip him off because Grumpy didn't have a reason to look at me like that. When Marlene and Denzel refused to watch cartoons with me I didn't think too much about it because, hey, I could watch them either way. I really wanted to know whether the wolf would catch the chocobo today with one of his crazy plans.
By noon the wolf's plight had bored me and I was ready to greet Tifa's grilled cheese sandwiches with my mouth. I found her washing dishes with the lingering smell of cheese and toast in the air. How the hell could I miss two meals in a row! I may not pay attention sometimes but this was ridiculous! I'm a growing girl and one day my breasts will be Tifa size! Or at least Aerith sized. Hers weren't that bad.
Wandering upstairs, I found my door ajar which it shouldn't have been because no way would I ever leave it open for Marlene and Denzel to wander in and get into sharp objects and materia. Of course I remembered Vinnie had went in earlier but that's okay because he wouldn't leave my door open. He was an ex-Turk after all and I heard they used to be badass, not like the Turkies of today. They couldn't catch a cold even if they tried!
"Vin? Vincers? Vinnie V? Oy, Vincent!" I slammed my hand against his door in a completely lady-like manner. By lady like, I mean I probably could have broken down his door if he hadn't opened it right that second because you know what? I'm Yuffie Kisaragi and I will break down your door if you don't let a bitch in. Now. He could have given a little warning though because I almost punched him in the chest because let's face it, I can't reach his face. He's tall, dark, and scary and I'm short, beautiful, and kickass.
"Hey, Vincent, why was my door open? I know you totally didn't do it because you're not a jackass like that--"
He shut the door in my face.
Gaping in shock at the door (what else was I supposed to do in this situation?!) I attempted to process the fact that Vincent hadn't even bothered to answer my question. Normally it was 'I-don't-care-Yuffie-get-the-fuck-out-before-I-introduce-you-to-your-interal-organs.' But no, this time he was like '…' and slammed it shut. In my face.
"Vincent Valentine I'm gonna kick your scrawny ass from here to Wutai in ten seconds if--" The door slammed open and I was met with the barrel of Vincent's gun. It's a very nice barrel, shiny and- wait! Bad Yuffie, Vincent's pointing a gun at you and you haven't gotten any of the Sunday food that is worthy of gods and Wutai princesses and everyone is mad at me.
"What do you want Yuffie?" Even with the barrel of his Leviathan damed gun Vincent was still hot. Hey, even his gun was hot from this point of view. Something must be wrong with me if a hunk of metal looks hot, but whatever.
"Food. I want food. Oh, and what did I do this time because whatever it was I swear it wasn't me! Unless there is a horrible stench coming from my room because there is a pile of clothes in there that must be harboring some kind of mutant fungus or something. I should know, I fell in them this morning." Vincent took a few moments to process this, probably a good thing for me because he was looking really sexy right about now. All poised and ready for the kill, though I shouldn't be the kill. That's just not cool.
"Just fix my cape, Yuffie." His cape? I was gaping in shock again, mouth opening and closing as I tried to wordlessly work my way around the fact that he though I had done something to his cape! While I'm normally the culprit, I was totally asleep this time and they knew it. I hadn't suddenly become the sleep cape-destroyer or anything. Besides, no one ever gets this mad when I mess his cape.
"Dear Vincent, I think you've got a brain tumor. I haven't touched your stinky smelly one-thousand-year-old cape today!" I flailed a little, which is Yuffie talk for what're-you-talkin'-'bout-Valentine? Of course Mr. Emo-stick-man doesn't speak Yuffie as well as he should. Or maybe he does if the pink cape he was now dangling in my face said anything. Actually, if his cape could talk it would probably be begging to be washed and un-pinkified. At least it wasn't hot pink though!
"Dude, Vincent, that's really gross, you know that right? Pink is like the colour of virgins and sweets and Aerith. Unless you've suddenly sprouted boobs and lost your get-the-fuck-away-from-me aura then you shouldn't be trying to wear it. It's really not your colour." Really, it wasn't. His colours were dark and dull, like black and red. Maybe white if I was lucky and he wanted to dress in a really fancy shirt and have it all unbuttoned. That would be sexy.
"Just fix it, Yuffie," he tossed the cape at me and shut his door. Again. What a jackass! It's not like I hate the sight of him without his cape on, I rather like it. Maybe if I fix his cape and steal a kiss he'll get the idea. Vincent minus ratty cape equals sex. Copious amounts of it.
This train of thought lead me straight to my problem. How does one fix this kind of thing? I don't even know how it got pink! With this idea in mind, I set off to acquire a red dye. It shouldn't be hard because I happen to know that Reeve has a supply left over from when he still worked with Scarlet. I never ever want to know why, Scarlet was scary. She probably had some kind of disease that made her a bitch personified. Bad Yuffie! Get the dye!
--------
"Success!" It sort of was too. I wasn't just lying to myself like Cloud did for a while because he's got mental issues coming out of his ass. I bet, tomorrow morning, when we wake up he'll suddenly think he's Aerith and then try and get laid only to break down when he finds out he doesn't have the necessary parts to be Aerith. Unless his mind makes Aerith a guy.
Turning the cloak around and around, I sighed in satisfaction. It might not be the attractive deep crimson it used to be, but hey it was red. Reno red, but red! It'd taken me forever but it was definitely worth it. Now, to hunt down the vampire himself and greet him with his shiny new bright red cloak!
"Tifa have you seen Vincent?" I poked my head in the kitchen, attempting to ignore the mouth-watering smell of fried chicken. It's really difficult to do that and Vincent would feel bad when he found out the effort I went through to fix the cape I didn't even ruin.
"Try Cloud," Tifa smiled and waved me off, in a better mood than earlier. Suspicion settled in when King Choco-head sent me along with his normal go-there-to-find-your-lost-loved-one look. Did the magical red cape make everyone happy? Is that why no one ever kicked Vincent out for be broody? Why, I do believe I just figured out his secret. His cape is so happy that it makes up for his chronically depressing attitude.
Following Cloud's directions, I made my way into the little attic that no one ever used. I always had my sneaking suspicions Vincent slept in it when I wasn't about. After banging on the door loudly to tell Vincent that if he was brooding he needed to stop now, I barged in. Needless to say, my jaw dropped. I know it's in his name and all but Leviathan does he know how to set up some romantic stuff! There were candles and a picnic blanket (thankfully not pink because I hate that colour right now) and the whole works.
He was already wearing a cape. In fact, the same cape he'd given me, sans pink. Looking down at the thing I was holding, I discovered that this was not the same ratty cape I was familiar with. Well, putting aside the bright red, nothing seemed the same now that I paid attention to it. I was duped by the worst group of actors ever! Damn, Kisaragi, you're really bad at this.
"Happy Valentine's day, Yuffie," Vincent gestured to the food set out. Tifa's fried chicken, grilled cheese, pancakes, and even potatoes sat on it. All the food I had missed today had decided to crawl out of nowhere and pile themselves before me in a very appealing manner.
"You know how to please a lady!" I started piling food onto my plate, greedy from hunger. He could have a kiss or twenty later if he took his cape off again. The kids were out of the house so we wouldn't get disapproving stares if we decided to have a little fun. Vincent's bed had the right amount of fluff to it. Food now, bouncy bed game later.
Vincent sighed, shook his head, and took a little food for himself as well.