Disclaimer: Goren, Eames, and company belong to Dick
Wolf and Company

Major angst.

Alex curled back into Bobby's arms. As wonderful, as glorious, as satisfying as their lovemaking was, she thought, this might be the best thing about it. This moment when she turned on her side, her back to Bobby, and spooned against him. He always wrapped his body around hers, his arm curling around her, usually so his hand could gently cup a breast. His soft warm
breath brushed her hair, and she heard his soft murmurs of love in her ear. Alex had never felt so safe, so protected, so loved. It was happening now, and she purred as Bobby's arm slipped around her and his soft large hand caressed her left breast. Then, suddenly, as if he'd been shocked, Bobby stiffened.

"She's so beautiful," Bobby thought as he curled behind Alex. He was drowsy and drifting; their lovemaking always left him drained but contented. "The sex," he thought, "is wonderful, the best..." But these few moments after their coupling and just before sleep took them had come to be the greatest joys in Bobby's life. The aftermath of the pleasure they gave each other, the sense they were the only two people in the world, sent Bobby into ecstasy. Alex's trust in him and her demonstration of it by resting in his arms warmed and thrilled him. He let his arm slip over her body and rested his hand around her breast. And then he felt it, just beneath his fingertip.

"Bobby?" Alex's wondered.

Bobby's mind leaped into overdrive. "It could be nothing," he thought, "maybe it's always been there...should I tell her...it would only scare her...what..."

Bobby touched Alex's breast again to confirm what he feared. Then, tentatively, cautiously, her took her hand and guided it to the spot. Alex started, and sat up suddenly. Bobby raised himself, and warned her, "Light," and turned on the bedside lamp.

Alex was touching her breast, pressing the traitorous spot, staring at it as if she could wish it away. She was white, her eyes wide. Bobby could hear his heart pounding. "I can't do anything about this," he thought. "I can't..." He swallowed. "Get hold of yourself, Goren...this is definitely not about you..."

"Alex," he said quietly as he reached out to touch her shoulder.

She looked at him with frightened eyes.

"Don't panic," Bobby said, and he realized he was saying the words to himself as much as her. "Isit...it's not always been there?"

Fury rose in Alex. "How dare he think..." she thought, "No, wait...he's trying to keep us both calm..."

"It wasn't there three weeks ago when I did my monthly self exam," she answered, trying to keep her voice steady. "And my doctor didn't notice anything six months ago when I had my physical."

"Ok," Bobby said. He was trying to keep his mind from racing, away from images of Alex in surgery, of chemotherapy and its ravages, of a cancer marching through her body, of statistics and dark numbers. "Well, it's probably nothing at all...it's usually something ...that's nothing..."

Alex kept touching the lump as if she could will it away.

Bobby took her by her shoulders. "Look, tomorrow you call your doctor, make an appointment. She examines you, finds out it's nothing, and I buy you a lot of margaritas in celebration, right?" He took her chin in his hand and lifted her head to look at him. Alex shivered and fell into his arms.

"What if..." her voice was muffled by his shoulder, "what if...it is something?"

"We'll deal with it." Bobby hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. "Most of these things--I can get you numbers if you want--turn out to be benign..."

"But what if..." Alex hated herself for torturing Bobby.

Bobby held her tighter. "Look, it's got to be really early...it wasn't there a few weeks ago...even if...it's..." Bobby couldn't say the word.

"Cancer," Alex said, and suddenly felt she could at least see the enemy.

"Cancer," Bobby whispered. "We'll deal with it. Look, there's no history of it in your family, right?"

Alex nodded.

"Good..." Bobby took both of her hands in his. "It's a scare...that's all..." He stared into her eyes. "Alex," he said urgently, "know this...know that I am here and I love you...and I will do everything I can to help you...and nothing will change that...know that."

Alex's weakened defenses collapsed. She fell into his arms and began to sob.

End Chapter 1

And I hope that I'm not trivializing any one's experience with cancer by using it in this story. Not my intention at all.