It was a cold day to go to the beach. The sky looked cold. The water looked cold. And Ellie was so closed up, so unreachable. She was done with the charade that we were dating. I guess that meant I had to be done with it, too.
It was hard to let it go. It was like this security blanket, this protection that I had against being different, being gay, being ostracized. I'd wasted so much time wishing I could just be like them, my friends. They liked girls and life was so easy for them. It wasn't quite fair.
Ellie. I liked Ellie. She was so cool, she was different, too. She wasn't afraid of things, she wasn't afraid to stand up to people like Paige and Hazel. You know. I liked her. But not like that.
There were so many barriers against me, so many things that wouldn't let me be me. My parents. My friends. Everyone in the world, it seemed like. The world was against me. But when I saw Paige's brother Dylan, when we got in the car and he said, "Hey , Marco," I mean oh my god. My heart almost stopped. He was perfect. His hair. His muscles under his clothes, the scent of his cologne. What would I risk to have him? I wasn't sure, not yet.
Ellie was strumming on the guitar and I put my arm around her, still living my lie. But she took my arm off of her and said, "we broke up, remember?" and everyone was looking at me critically and I was shamed. Yeah. We broke up. We'd never been together.
I mean, what could I do? I hugged myself in the cool air and walked away. I could feel her eyes on me. I could feel all their eyes on me. It was coming to an end. I'd have to fess up sooner or later. I wasn't what they thought I was, who they thought I was. And if they couldn't accept it it was their problem, not mine. But I just didn't want to tell any of them, I didn't feel ready for that.
The sand was all cold and sticking everywhere, and we played with the soaker guns in the sand. Ellie was giving me that dirty conscience look but I had to turn away. I couldn't face up to things yet. Not yet.
Off alone by the cliffs that faced the lake, watching the water go by all choppy and cold, listening to it crash against the rocks. I hugged myself and rocked and felt so…almost beyond alone. Ellie was right. I couldn't go around pretending anymore. Couldn't go around trying to be someone I wasn't anymore. It simply wasn't working. And then, who comes around the corner of the cliffs? Dylan.
He comes and sits next to me and I'm overwhelmed just by his presence. I feel his arms next to my arms, his legs next to my legs. I feel it. I inhale the cologne, some sharp designer scent I'd never smelled before. I think about Ellie and her broken little looks, what she said in Ashley's bedroom, "do you like girls…at all?" Her words echoing back to me. Dylan's quiet presence is comforting in a way, but it's also nerve wracking. I want to impress him, I want him to like me, but I know I'm a mess. I'm a liar. I'm a, I don't know, I'm just not where I want to be.
But for a second it's okay. Ellie will get over it. My friends, if they're truly my friends, will accept me. My parents, well, in time it'll work itself out. And it's nice sitting here by the cliffs and the water with Dylan, who is so gorgeous I think of that old line from "My So-Called Life" when Angela says, "you're so beautiful it hurts to look at you," Yeah. That line nails it. Our hands our next to each other's hands and our fingers intertwine. I can feel the electric sparks going from my fingers to my hand to my brain. I can feel all the overloaded activity that was missing with Ellie. I thought of that episode of "The Brady Bunch" when Bobby kisses the girl and sees fireworks.
Yeah, for just a second it's right. All that complicated stuff is still waiting for me, and I guess I'll untangle it one day. But for right now, the cold gray sky spread over the cold blue and white water, the jagged cliffs rising around us, Dylan's hand in mine. Right now it's lovely.
I leaned my head on his shoulder. It just felt right. I don't know. I didn't know what I was doing. I was lost in some ways, off the path I thought I would travel. But maybe I'd taken the first step to finding myself.