Now this wasn't supposed to be something I posted to tell you the truth. It was just me writing how I feel. But I need to share it with someone that doesn't know me, and has never met me.
I own all of this. It's my thoughts and my life.
So there's something I've been meaning to tell you. the fact that you are okay one time and rude as hell the other time is not something that I appreciate. god knows how hard I'm trying to get over what happened but it's not like you're making it any easier on me. you say you're going to change but it takes less than a few minutes to make you back into the person that you used to be. God knows what she's turned you into. It's like we can take two steps forward and fifty steps back. I saw you try the first couple days and then you went to normal and then you changed again and kept trying but now you're rude for no apparent reason. Coping an attitude is not worth it to be honest. and yes I see that you're back to following her on Instagram again, wow thought I wouldn't check? It's so funny how you say you'll have slowly end things with her yet there is such an attachment that instead of working on us you're working on ending things so slowly with her. Yet you don't see the pain that's in my eyes and heart. What I feel everyday obviously means very little to you seeing as you're going for that but not talking to who's been by your side through half the shit that you've done. You know, a part of me wants to lash out at you, and make you tell me everything that happened, but a big part of me knows that that's not going to happen, because you're, like always going to blame me, and make it seem like it's all my fault. Whichto be honest in a little way it is but it's yours as well, for going out of us and looking for comfort somewhere else. And she has such a strong hold on you that she messages you reply, hell god knows how many times you've lied to me and been with her. Yet you told me once that she hates me. She shouldn't have a reason to hate me, because you're not hers and you were never hers to begin with, in a sense she borrowed you and tried to fix you. And with everything that happened she thought that you'd leave me and go to her? What gave her that hope? Obviously the boundaries between friends were tarnished, so you gave her false hope and you made me ride along with you on that. I was right when I said at times you only want me with you so you can buy stuff, because she was giving you everything else. I was the pawn, that you manipulated. That's how I feel manipulated. Used. You name it and I've felt it. No this is not me being dramatic this is about me telling you the truth. about how I feel, because ever since you told me that I've not been able to cry or figure out how I feel about all of this. you can't put this on me. you don't see how it hurts me that you're ending things so slowly with her. If our relationship actually matters to you and you love me just a little bit anymore, then you will finish it. cut her off. why keep someone in your life when you have a history with them, right? All I know is that when I asked you to pick her or me, you looked at me like I was joking. If I had made the same mistake you had made, then you and I wouldn't still be together. You would've dropped me the moment I told you. Like how is it possible for you to get so personal with someone else. Other than the person you promised to love forever? It's ironic how life works. You think you know somebody so well, and then they turn around and do the one thing that you told yourself that they wouldn't do. The fact that I wasn't even angry with you is unsurprising, the fact that you haven't cut her off is surprising. Because you said I mean everything to you, but yet you two are still talking. You lied for her, you told me you were working and you were out having fun with her instead. And when you were with me? You took out your guilt as frustration and put me down verbally. Every single day. This is why when you tell me to trust you, I can't it's so hard because you've broken it so many times. Like I said earning the trust back is something you have to do yourself, and like I also said our relationship won't go anywhere until you permanently let her go. Up until then, I will always doubt you when you talk to her, when your phone rings, when you get a text message. Because now I'm suspicious of everyone and everything around me. It's like you're happy one day and then the next day the world comes crashing down on you, and you're at a loss for how blind you were in the past. Yeah you are a flirt by personality, but honestly? I've accepted that. What I don't get is how you forgot your limits and slept with her? That's what hurts me. You and I were having problems, so instead of coming to me and talking to me – yes I said you, because you never talk to anyone about anything that bothers you, letting it stir and build inside so that in the end you think you're right and everyone around you is wrong – I've always been here for you to talk to. But you've never taken advantage of that. It's always about the mistakes I make when I talk, the way I act, the way I do things. Which isn't fair to me because you're not the most perfect person out there. See I said it. You are not the most perfect person out there. You're far from perfect, however, I'm willing to put the past in the past and start afresh. Which you don't seem to want to see, because you're so wrapped up in your own world, and you refuse to see those around you that are willing to help you out. That have your back, staying closed off to the world isn't good, in the end when you do something you only have yourself to blame. The way you act with me, like I've always told you had it been anyone else, they would've left you so long ago. But God knows what's keeping me here with you, I guess I'm still and will always be crazily in love with you. But, if you want us to work out then you need to fix yourself. You can't ask me to change, but not change yourself. Or tell me that when I start to change that's when you will. It's a two-way street. And if we're going to do this together, then you need to start making changes right now. Otherwise, there will be hell to pay. The fact that I didn't fully react yet, is because it hasn't been fully processed in my head, I'm still doubtful, waiting for you to tell me it was a joke. But no I know it's not but I don't want to acknowledge it just yet. The truth is, the fact that she's still in your life as a friend is hard for me to comprehend, because you did something physical with her, and no it's not purely physical, you have to have felt something for that to happen. It's weird how every guy has something for that one secret affair. Jeez, I thought we would be each other's first and last, but nope, you've definitely changed that thought. And the fact that you said you're not stopping me from going to sleep with someone else? Ok. That's so thoughtful of you. I know people that all I have to do is give the ok, and boom we're in bed together, but I know how to be faithful. And I also know not to lie. If you're in a relationship with someone then you have to be honest with them, communicate with them. Don't try to cut them out of your life, when you fought to be together in the first place. I was here for you, I know you better than I know who I am, but you haven't seen me yet, you take me for granted. There's days where I want to disappear without telling anyone where I'm going and just go somewhere and then see how you react with me dropping everything and leaving, without a word. Other days, – knock on wood – I wish something would happen to me so you could appreciate me in your life. I hope it never comes to the fact that I have to be on my deathbed for you to appreciate how much I mean to you. But maybe, that's the difference between you and me. I can appreciate those in front of me, and you simply cannot, because you choose to not look. And then the worse thought of all, some nights I can't even stand the pain of what you did, I wish there was an easy way to end my life, I've thought of suicide, God can only know how many times. But it's never the answer, because I could never do that to my parents and family, or you. But in a way I feel like it wouldn't even make a difference to you if I lived or not, because you treat me like hot and cold every day. One minute you show how much you love me and the next minute it's as if I mean nothing to you. Like right now, you're sitting right beside me but have barely said 10 words to me other than leave me alone. To be honest with you, until you give me your all, I don't know how to fix this, and I kind of don't want to fix this. I want you to fix this. I want you to fix us. Because I can't stand to be the one that didn't make the mistake but have to rectify it. It was your fault; you should be the one to fix it. You should be the one to put us back together, because I cannot keep taking responsibility for your mistakes. Yes, I will be here to help you through it, but no you will make all the choices, and you will be the one to change first, because without you attempting anything I won't do anything. And we're going to be stuck in the same place for a very long time. Without any indication of what you want from us, where am I supposed to go? You make it seem like I'm the bad person, but the funny thing is I can't get the picture of you and her out of my head. You don't understand how hard it really is to forget someone that you trusted, and believed in, could hurt you in the worst way possible. I don't remember cheating on you, but for some reason you said I did. Jokes on you, you were the one cheating, for a whole two years. You can't give me this shit that you mostly just went to her place to eat, and yet you know her parents, you know her in a way that I thought only you knew me. She saw you in a way that I thought was for my eyes only. But you don't believe it when I say how hard it really is to get over. Because you want to move on and so do I, but she's still hitting you up, and when she does, you seem to get mad at me. Like what have I done? Other than try to talk to you, which doesn't work because you're not someone that talks, you act and don't think about the consequences of what your actions will eventually cost you. Isn't it sad that all the promises you made me, you're the one to break them? You promise me the world, but yet you can't seem to change yourself to someone better, you just want to stay the same person, and this is why you're not going anywhere. You're not appreciating what's right in front of you, you have a family that loves you and you have me and my family that thinks you're amazing, but yet you try to run away as soon as you start to feel something, or as soon as you feel like something or someone's going to tell you you're wrong, you lash out like you're always right. You're not. Life isn't about always being right, you need to learn to figure out what and who is worth it. I understand guys don't do the talking thing, but honestly, it doesn't make you any less of a person to talk about your feelings, it makes you feel better. It shows you that there's someone else out there that wants to share your hurt, happiness and anger with you. But you don't. You think you're invincible to feelings and everything like that, no you're not. Life is life, you need to learn to move on, and forget about the mistakes, but the only way to forget about the mistakes and move on is only if you would try to erase what brought the separation between us. That's all I have to say.
I didn't really write this with the intention of posting it. I guess I needed an outlet to vent about what's going on in my life right now. I don't expect anyone to reply or review, but if you have thoughts, then I'd love to hear them. It's just me putting my thoughts out here because I needed to let this out because it's been eating me alive.