When the man comes around
Prologue: Hospital days
You would be surprised about the difference twelve months could make.
Roper certainly thought so.
He didn't want to go on too much about the way he was one year ago, but he wasn't nearly as confidant and alright with himself as he was now, things changed and life went on, it was weird to Roper, he didn't believe that it was possible to recover. In his mind the day of his accident was the day worst day of his life, it was the day he became permanently crippled.
He watched his friends move on, while he stood on the side-lines, refusing to even consider moving away from them.
But as Roper found out, life just goes on, He went on.
Roper let out a short laugh "you really do" he said quietly to himself while looking at his left arm.
The key source of recovery for Roper was his experiences within the last twelve months, at first these were expensive, early on he knew that.
Anti-depressants.
Roper wasn't against anti-depressants, he knew that some people were strongly against them, because they thought it was dishonest, they believed you needed a genuine recovery.
Though Roper thought that this was a bit short sighted, a bit Rambo.
Then there were people who were ridiculous about anti-depressants, the people that believed after taking them they were now absolutely fine. No, you're not Roper thought, your life is still a total mess.
Roper believed that his use of them was like a band aid, and that was it. They got him ashore, from there it was all his responsibility, the fact he used anti-depressants didn't bother him, the only important thing to roper was that he got better. Sure, he was still a bit damaged but that's not the end of the world, he was wiser and he was still here, he was okay, he wasn't lost anymore.
Roper now understood that he was more important than he felt twelve months ago, the setbacks were horrible early on when he was learning Japanese, his struggles to learn set him back a good two months in the first stages of learning. It really was a setback, but later he became more resilient, and got stronger at dealing with them. Roper could now say to himself, right that was bad, but let's move on.
The one thing Roper could no longer forgive himself for was wasting time, because as he looked back he completely lost his early adulthood up to this point because of his fear of admitting he was lost, he would always wonder if he could have recovered quicker, realistically he probably couldn't have, but he didn't stop entertaining the idea.
Though, he was glad that this depressed stupor didn't last five years, or even ten years.
One thing that was important to Roper was that he could look back at the last twelve months of recovery and think he was better off than he was last year, and this was a good thing for roper because it gave him a sense of direction and a sense of shape to his life, he had a sense that he was no longer in the middle of the ocean, he felt that he was now going somewhere and becoming something.
And that was so important.
when you are a young guy with no skills, it's hard to ignore it, roper tried to find an intellectual way to overlook and forgive his flaws that were real, Roper either had to find a way to live with them, admit them, and live with them or he had to find a way to overcome them, and fix them.
Waiting around for the day when roper just wasn't bothered about them anymore just didn't seem to happen for him, at least in his experience.
If there was one piece of advice that Roper would want to give for young men now it would be just that, don't hope for the best. That was ropers mistake, time and time again he did that, he knew exactly why he did it, it was intimidating to face the reality.
He was the only one that could solve himself, and hoping that someone else would fix it, just wasn't going to happen, it really was on him to save himself, this was his life now and he had to take care of it, he had to take care of the guy in his body living his life because he deserves better than to be a miserably loser for the rest of it.
It was a bummer, wasn't it? It would have been great if a girlfriend, a boss or the doctors could have done it, but no.
Ropers parents had done their job, regardless of what Roper thought of them, he knew that they had done their job, he knew that he could rely on them to keep him fed, clothed, and to preserve him, but that is what parents do, they can't help themselves to do that, Roper knew this and to some extent thought that it was right that they can't, but they could not help Roper become a man.
Their job was done now.
As for a girlfriend, Roper could not make that the centre of his life anymore, he had to be someone, he had to know who he now was before he could become worthy of a woman, and be able to withstand the possible dangers of a relationship.
Roper refused himself to go back to thinking that his happiness would rely on getting something else, he needed to be alright with himself, Roper thought that he didn't need to be jumping for joy, but he had to be content with himself, and not be terrified of surviving on his own anymore, otherwise, Roper believed that if his happiness was contingent on something else, he would be setting himself up for failure.
This was frightening to Roper, time and time again he had told himself for the last two years that he was no longer good enough for himself, Roper now understood that he simply had to be. His life may have gone down a path he would have never wanted, he lost his dream job and hobbies and friends, it was difficult to live with decline, and Roper wanted more than to marinade in it. Roper was his own priority now, he had to come first, he didn't want to believe he was destined for misery, he deserved a life, he had to do this, no one else could do it for him.
It was Feodor del rumple who said that "only by losing oneself does one find oneself" and it was true, it sounded a bit new age to Roper, maybe a bit biennial, but it was true. He began to stop worrying about who he was, what he was, and just do it, slowly. Roper needed to pace himself and recover.
Yamaku was a new beginning.
One week later.
If the William Roper of twelve months ago was stood where Roper was standing now, the front gate to yamaku school. He probably wouldn't have been able to march two feet through that gate, he probably wouldn't have even got off the plane.
The gate itself was astonishing, it set quite an introduction to visitors.
It demanded respect.
it was also very jarring for Roper to see such familiar architecture again, it felt like a slice of London or Bath had been lifted from England and placed right in front of him, this sense of the familiar was welcome.
All the buildings that he had seen on his way here were completely alien to Roper, he knew that this design existed, but he had never been up close to them, never seen them with his bear eyes, they were impressive in their own way, especially the buildings found in the less modern towns that they passed through on his way here, there was history to them.
Ropers train of thought was interrupted by his father walking over from the car park with His luggage, Roper would carry his own bags but his dad demanded that he did it for him. No matter what the situation a dad can't help but be a dad.
"were slightly late but that shouldn't be a problem" he called out as he made his way over to roper who was staring at the gate.
Roper looked over his shoulder towards his father.
"Five hours counts as slightly late in japan?"
Ropers father shrugged and reached Ropers side.
"I guess you'll have to ask them"
"That would be a good first impression" Roper said nonchalantly
Several moments of silence pass between the two before Ropers father breaks the silence.
"you ready?" his father asked, changing the subject.
"I have to be, this is a new start and I have to make it work" Roper continued "like you said, this place will get me on my own two feet in life, I can't afford to screw up again" Roper stated
"pretty sure you can't afford it either" he added
"you damage my ego William"
Roper was about to walk forward towards the gate but was stopped when he felt a hand go on his shoulder, Roper turned around, confused.
"William" his father paused and a smile appeared on his face.
"I appreciate that you are taking this opportunity seriously but don't forget to have fun as well, okay?"
Roper scanned his father's face for a few moments, he could see that his father was worried about him, and he could tell by the mere fact that he just said him that to him
"that's going to be hard to be honest, do you have any idea how many jokes I have about one handed people"
His father deadpanned.
"don't even get me started on nervous fathers"
His father wasn't amused with him
Roper spoke up before his father could get a word in.
"but yes, I understand, I should enjoy my youth like anyone else would"
His father, clearly relaxed by Ropers answer dropped the hand from his shoulder and looked back toward the gate.
"so, would you like to do the honours" his father said as he motioned towards the gate with his hand.
Roper nodded, walked forward but stopped for a moment and looked up at the top of the impressive gate, towards the now orange evening sky.
There was no going back, this place would be his home for the next year of his life, and like it or not he didn't have any other choice now other than to do the best for himself and make his father proud.
He wanted to show his father that he respected his father's resources, Times were changing, Roper was growing up, he was becoming a man.
"yeah, let's go" Roper called out to his father as he walked through the gates.