'It's over. There's nothing left for us to save.' Those words were hard to say and being the one to say those words was very painful. He didn't understand. But to me, everything was so clear. I had loved him all those years but I never wanted to admit it. But now I had finally realized how miserable my life was without him.
When I was five, my parents divorced and my mother took my sisters and I to France. I adapted myself rather quickly and I learnt to speak french. At school, it was a different story. Sure, I was popular, but I didn't have real friends. All those losers were hanging out with me so they could try to be popular. The thing is that I never wanted to be popular. And yet, I was happy to be.
Then I met this girl and everything changed. She wasn't popular and she didn't want to be. She was new and since she was american too, we had a lot in common. Her name was Monica. We quickly became best friends. She had moved to Paris from New York because her parents wanted to move out of the Sates and they figured that Paris was a nice city. She had a brother and she introduced me to him.
Ross is two years older than Mon and I. When we were in high school, he was into dinosaurs. At first, I thought it was weird, but then I figured that it was his hobby. Ross is tall, has short black hair. He has the cutest eyes. When he looks at you, you can't say no. I call them his 'puppy eyes'. The moment Mon introduced us, we felt that there was connection.
When I started hanging out with Mon and Ross, I became less and less popular. At first it bothered me a little because I realized that I didn't have any real friends without my popularity. But when I was with Ross and Mon, friendship meant something. They helped me understand that meaning. And I was very happy with them by my side.
One day, I wanted to surprise Mon. It was her birthday and I wanted to do something special for her. So I went to her house but when I arrived and rang the doorbell, Ross answered the door.
'Hey Ross !' I said rather cheerly and quickly.
'Hey there Rach. What brings you here on a Sunday morning ?' He said with a smile. He was all sweaty. He must had been playing basketball in the backyard. My God ! Was he cute when he was sweaty !
'Well, it's Monica's birthday today. I wanted to surprise her. Is she here ?' I kept smiling for no reason. And he kept looking at me with his puppy eyes and I couldn't help but blush. It's stupid, but I was only fifteen !
'No, she's out. She's out for the day with my parents.' He said with a soft voice. I felt that he was feeling sorry for me.
'Oh ! I can come back tomorrow since we don't have class.' I was really disappointed but I tried to hide it.
'We can hang out until she comes back.' He was so sweet. He was trying to make me feel better. And it worked !
'You don't mind hanging out with a fifteen year-old ?' I said in a teasing tone.
'Well, normally I would mind…but you're too hot for me to let you down girl !' We were always teasing each other. But sometimes, true feelings were hidden behind those silly comments.
'Just go get a shower ! You smell from here !' I said laughing. He had a huge goofy smile on his face and he started chasing me around the living room. I fell on the couch and he fell over me. That's when it happened. Something I'll never forget. At first, we were laughing, but then we got serious and stared into each other's eyes. I was uncomfortable and he could feel it. He then he leaned in and kissed me. When he kissed me, I felt butterflies in my stomac. We stayed like that for a long time, just making out, until we realized what we were doing. We didn't say anything, I got up and left, without saying anything.
For a month we avoided each other. Things were really weird between us. Everytime we were in a room together, everybody could feel the tension. It was so awkward. But not talking to him for a month was really hard because he was my best friend and after that kiss, I think I was falling for him. Everytime I saw him, I was smiling and feeling all weird. That's why I decided that I needed to talk to Ross.
He was having lunch alone in the cafeteria. I sat across him, looked up then down again and finally he looked at me with a cute smile on his face. When he laid his eyes on me I couldn't speak. Seeing that I was unable to speak, he spoke first.
'Hey Rach' he said in a really sweet way. I couldn't look him in the eyes. I kept looking down so he lifted my face and smiled brighly.
'I love you.' I don't know where that came from. I just blurted it out. At first, I was confused, because my true feelings had finally come out, then shocked and finally relieved. Then I was scared. Scared of his reaction. What if he didn't feel the same ? What if that kiss was just a mistake ?
'So that kiss really had an impact on you ?' He asked with a huge grin on his face. I didn't know what it meant. For all I know he could have been making fun of me. But all my fears were gone when he took my hand.
'The thing is that I think I've been in love with you since the moment we met. And that kiss, it was unbelievable. It only made me see that I wanna be with you.'
When he said those words, I was really happy but I didn't know if I was supposed to jump on him, or just nod. After what seemed like an eternity, he got up and sat close to me. And we just kissed. It seemed like we had been dating for a long time. Whenever we were around each other we felt confortable.And we were happy. Mon was shocked at first, but then she got used to the idea of her brother and her best friend together, so it wasn't a problem anymore. We dated for two years. Those were the most wonderful years of my entire life. For two years, we were inseparable. I can't say that we everything was perfect because we faught, but we had a special bond. Our relationship was close to perfection.
Until one day my mother decided to go back to New York. I didn't want to leave Ross and Mon but I had no choice. Our good-byes were very emotional and we couldn't stop crying. Ross wasn't crying, but I knew what he was thinking. Before I went home to meet my mother and go, we promised each other that we would keep in touch and try to visit one another everytime we would get the chance.We kept in touch for a long time. We never got the chance to visit each other, and it was a little hard not to see them again. I lived in New York and they still lived in Paris. There was an ocean between us and none of us crossed it.
Three years later, I went in Los Angeles for an exchange and I met a guy. I was twenty at that time. Ross was still on my mind but I was trying to forget him. Ross and I had lost contact. The only news I had were from Mon and she always told me few things about Ross. Maybe he was trying to forget me, just like I was trying to do. Anyway, his name is Paul. He looks a little bit like Ross, but is smaller and doesn't have the same eyes. He also has a different way to think and he doesn't treat me like Ross used to. But I still saw a special thing in him. Un je ne sais quoi like french people would say. He moved to New York for me and we started dating. Paul was a great boyfriend and a year after our first date, we were engaged. It all happened so fast that I didn't have time to realize that I didn't love him as much as I thought I did. Memories of Ross kept coming back.
A year later, we were married. We were happy but Ross was constantly on my mind. And when I told Paul about my past, he became jealous. He understood right away that Ross would always have a special place in my heart. We would fight over anything and he always wanted to have the last word, to be 'the man'like he would say.
But one day everything changed. I received a letter from Ross. He was moving to New York. He had got a job there. I was very excited to hear fom him again. Was he married ? Did he have children ? Did he know I was married ? All those questions could not be answered until I talked to him. In the letter, he had given me the address of his new apartment and his phone number.
I don't know if I should have called him or not. But I did and it felt great. We talked for hours on the phone. Catching up with one another's life. When I told him that I was married, there was a short silence and he just said that he was happy for me. Then he told me that he was still into dinosaurs and that he was a paleontologist. I laughed when he told me that because I thought he was joking, but he wasn't and I didn't know what to say. So we changed the subject and he finally told me that he wasn't seeing anyone. When he told me that, I was relieved and now I know why. I still loved him, even after all those years apart.
I agreed to meet him at his place for dinner. He owned a little apartment downtown Manhattan. When I arrived there, I was a little frightened by what might happen. Troughout dinner, we talked and he told me things about Monica. I was really happy to hear that she had found herself a decent guy and that they were engaged. And then, the moment I had feared the most came up.
'Do you still think about us Rach ?' He asked that with a soft voice. He was so sweet and gentle. How could I resist ?
'Sometimes' I said smiling weakly. I was still trying to convince myself that I wasn't in love with him anymore. For a moment we just stared into each other's eyes.
'Sometimes is good. It's not never.' He said smiling. He always knew how to break the tension.
'And do you still think about us ?' The moment I asked the question, I regretted it. I wasn't supposed to care if he was still in love with me. I was supposed to care about Paul, my husband, who was waiting for me at home.
'I do. All the time.' He said this with such confidence and such a soft voice that I couldn't move. I wanted to tell him how much I had missed him these past years, but I couldn't. One thing led to another, we kissed. We ended up doing much more. I knew I was doing something wrong, but it felt so right. It felt like I had been wandering for many and that night I finally found my way home.
When I reached my apartment, Paul was waiting for me. It was one in the morning, so he was pretty upset. And I didn't expect less from him.
'Where were you tonight ?' He was really angry. But I didn't care anymore.
'I was at Ross'. Why ? Is that a problem ?' I didn't want to hurt Paul but it's like he wanted me to hurt him.
'Yes it is. You're my wife and I don't want you to spend the night at your male friend's house.' He knew that something had happened. But he didn't want to let it go. To let me go. He wanted to get hurt. For him, I was nothing more than a possession.
'I might be your wife, but not once did you treat me like I was your wife. I was never more than an object for you. For three years I didn't say anything because I thought that I was in love with you. But I'm not and I think I never was. And Ross, well, he was sweet, and gentle and caring. Something you never are !' I was angry. All the things I had kept inside for three years got out that night. He was angry but all of a sudden, his tone changed and he became sweet.
'C'mon Rach. Let him go. Don't hold on on your past. Let him go. He's your past, I'm your present and your future. Don't throw away our marriage for some guy you dated in high school.' It was hard to believe but Paul was actually going to cry.
'He's not just some guy. I love him Paul. I'm sorry.' I was crying too.
'No. We can save our marriage, I know it. Please.' He wanted to make me cry even more.
'It's over. There's nothing left for us to save.' And with that, I went to the bedroom and started packing. While I was packing, I heard that he slammed the front door. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I had to. For my sake, for his sake. Even if I had chosen Paul over Ross, we would have been miserable. I know that Paul wasn't happy, but he had hidden his sadness for three years. We were more friends than anything else. It was time to let go.
And now, ten years later, I'm thirty-three and I already have three children. They all look like their father. Ross works for the Discovery channel and last year he got a promotion and we moved to Los Angeles. Monica lives there with her husband and children. We are best friends again. Ross and I have been married for eight years. Our relationship is still exciting and we're still learning things about each other. And the last time I talked to Paul, his wife was giving birth to their first child. It was a week ago and now they're on their way over here to show us their newborn. I gotta go pick them up from the airport. It was nice talking to you. You've been a great listener.